The Culmination of an Infatuation

One of my good friends came over for a visit the other night. We were shooting the breeze and watching tv like we normally did when I would go over his house for a visit. I can't quite explain what really happened but I can't forget what I felt as we talked. We talked about our past and the shit that we always wanted to say but never did because we were really young and really shy. This particular day we were no longer the two kids sitting next to each other in Mr. Porter's Science class playing Pokemon when we should've been paying attention to the presentation. I was no longer the tomboy that chased basketball dreams. He was no longer the 16 year old that was living too fast for his own good. I was no longer the 19 year old that was in love with him. He was no longer the 19 year old that was troubled. We were here. We were grown. We were experienced. The tension was in the air and we both knew what was going to go down. He had to make a trip to that 7-11 on the corner.

While he was gone I had time to actually think about what was about to take place. This was the one that I always thought about. I wondered what sex with him would be like way before I even had a sexual experience. He's the one that I thought I would give my virginity to. He's the same dude that I kissed under stairwells at Curtiss when I should've been in class. He's the one I experimented with in high school. We never hit that homerun and I didn't think we ever would. Our paths took us to different places. I've experienced different things and I'm sure he has as well. In my selectivness I've grown accustomed to certain levels of satisfaction. Doubt crept in. What if I was wack? What if he was disappointing? I had to shake this shit. I knew what I was doing. I knew I would regret not fulfilling this curiosity way more than if I did. My buzzer rang. It was time.

I had to ask what took him so long. He said he was conflicted for lack of a better word. I understood what he meant but he rung that doorbell for a reason and we both knew what time it was. He sat on my couch and I took control from there. We went at it HARD. All the anxiety I had while he ran that errand vanished. He let go of his inhibitions as well and it made for a really good time. His body was telling me things and I was listening. I was yearning for this because I was on a hiatus and he gave me what I asked for. I tried a few positions I had been wanting to try. I allowed him to teach me some new tricks. We talked shit. We fell silent. We took each other to the breaking point more than a few times. I have climaxed more during past escapades but never as hard. This was incomprable. We danced until we were spent. The next day when we woke from that deep sleep we had only one regret. "I should've got two packs."

Now that my curiosity has been filled I don't know what will come of this. I'm cool if our experience was like Hailey's commet, never to be seen again in this lifetime. Part of me wants it like that just in case it's never as good as the first time. I don't know if that perfect storm of passion, desire, and heat will pass through again. Then the other part of me wants to see if we could top it. All I know is that I'm still sore. History was written. A memory was etched. And me and my body won't forget it.

I'm Coming Back Soon...

I moved and I'm tryna find some cheap Internet. I have so much to say. Even if I have to keep posting from my phone for a while I'm gonna get it in. Until we meet again (aka I go to my grandmothers house for Internet).

Opinions, Suggestions, and Commentary

I'm not a big fan of unsolicited opinions, suggestions or commentary. As a matter of fact it is one of the many things that send me on edge. Nothing makes me turn into the biggest bitch you've ever seen than offering something I've never asked for in the first place. Today I was minding my own business when a classmate tells me, "I noticed you wear Nikes a lot, did you know they are mostly produced in sweat shops?" I am highly aware that Nikes are produced in sweat shops. What I am not aware of is why this dude just tried to impose his views on me indirectly. I don't know him. I don't speak to him. I couldn't pick him out of a line up yet he felt the need to offer up a fun fact about the shoes. I responded, "I noticed I was minding my own business and didn't ask you to research my shoes. I know how to use google. By the way, that is a nice hat you are wearing. Tiger Woods huh? A Nike hat. Probably made upstairs in the factory where these Air Forces came from. Good shit." He proceeded to his seat.

My grandmother is a good one for offering commentary. She always ask me if I can do something we both know I can do. She sometimes treats me as if I'm just learning how to use a toilet. Today I was washing my clothes. She says, "You washed them. Good job. Now let's see if you know how to put them in a dryer and hang them up?" WHAT THE FUCK? She might as well said, "Good job. You tinkled. Now can you wipe and flush?" I can't stand my intelligence being insulted. This is why clash. That's for another day, another post. She and I have to work through that issue before I can speak on that.

I am not a suggestion box. Do not place your thoughts in my brain space. I also don't need people asking me for my suggestion or opinion when they have their mind made up. If you know what you are going to do just do it. I'm not the friend you come to when you want your ego stroked or your opinion second. If I wouldn't do it then I'm going to tell you so and give your my justification. After that you can take it or leave it but please do not talk shit about it. After all you asked, I did not offer.

Febuary 8, 2010

Enough said.

Black Girl Lost

I'm sitting here frustrated like nobody's business. Why the fuck am I in school? I seriously don't know why I'm still here. I just took a final in my favorite class and got an 86 on it. I check my grade and all though I'm only missing 94 points I have a C because of the weights the teacher assigns to the assignments. This is probably going to be the best grade I get. I worked so damn hard this semester yet I'm still going to get average grades. It's not like I even go to a remotely reputable university either. I could be being overly dramatic right now but I have wasted 4 fuckin years of my life. I'm going to graduate and still probably be doing the same thing I do now. I could do this without a damn degree. I've always known that college isn't for me. I don't want to be a teacher, lawyer, or doctor. I never wanted to be anything really. I just wanted things. That is part of my problem. I have goals that don't have mapped out stepping stones. For example if I wanted to be a doctor then I would have a blueprint to follow. Go to school and get good grades. Go to medical school. Etc etc until I'm a doctor. There is no blueprint to do what I want to do. Exactly what is it that I want to do? Good fuckin question! I guess I'm basically saying "There is no blueprint for being confused about life and surviving at the same time." Until I figure it out I'm just a black girl lost.

The Crushed Crush

Is this something that you doin for the moment?
Are you happy?
Do you think that she's the truth, kid?
I ain't hatin...
Ok maybe a lil bit!
I think I'm better
But you won't let me prove it
I might just loose it.
But naw...
Can't fight for what was never mine
Like Badu said I guess I'll see you next lifetime


You ever been in a one sided crush? The only thing worse is when you find out it wasn't so one sided when it's too late. I guess the lesson learned is when you feeling something you should let it be known. Take it from me.

The Void

My room has been a revolving door
Of tricks that treat
After we climax on my sheets
Their numbers I delete
Only to find our actions provide no relief
I'm annoyed and need to find a way to fill the _ _ _ _

Untitled

I can't really explain how I'm feeling but I'm scared. I have a lot of great things happening for me. I'm super greatful but something is missing. I can't quite put my finger on it and it is bothering me. I don't want to dwell on it too much because I'm in too good of a place right now. I'm the type of person that likes to focus on what I do have rather than question why I'm missing something. But sometimes that missing element nags at me. It grates my nerves even more when I don't know what the hell is missing. Whatever it is will come to me one day. Hopefully. Maybe.

And My Vaginal Muscles Tightened....

I'm not super religious but when God is tryna tell me something I definately do listen. I've been on this celibacy thing for longer than a lil while. It is hard and I most definately get weak. I know that the only obstacles in between me and some pipe can be easily navigated. Everytime I get ready to settle and just go get it something makes me take that second thought. The other day a coworker provided me with that second thought.

I'm gonna call him Herp. Herp is not my cup of tea by any strech of the imagination. He's about my height which is strike number one. He has the hugest teeth and I can only assume they hurt. Strike two. Until recently I couldn't put my finger on strike three. I saw him at a club once and he looked like a dork. He was wearing a short sleeve white shirt with a tie, jeans, and suspenders. Hey he thought he was fly and if he liked it then that's all that matters. That wasn't enough to make me look at this dude like he was an annoyance tho. We casually talk here and there at work and keep it cordial.

So Herp comes up to me and says, "You're a girl, lemme ask you a question?" I half heartedly listened because I was focused on this nasty as blister on his lip. He asked, "Would you hit a dude that had previously fucked your friend?" I was like, "Hell naw! Anybody who's even kissed my friend is so off limits he might as well have AIDS." He was like, "even if they wasn't together? It was just a hit and quit." I was like, "Hell no. I don't hit my friends pieces under any circumstance ever. It's not cool. Not at all. Besides I don't want my friends sloppy seconds." He was like, "How many virgins have you had sex with?" "None.", I replied. "Then you have had sombody's sloppy seconds. You might as well have your friends, at least you know them." His logic was making my stomach turn. He kept it twisting when he said, "I don't give a fuck. I've hit the homies ho's." I was like, "so you don't care that you don't have standards?" "They look good." I was, "nevermind the fact all your homies ran through them. Yall sit and compare notes? Why wait, run a train and help the next friend get the most out it. Give some tips." He thought I was humorous. In all seriousness he said, "I do have my morals. I would never hit my homies baby mamas or wives." That's when a coworker came up and blasted him. "Them morals keep your ass in the clinic. You keep the penicillin distributers busy." Herp didnt even get mad to have his status blasted. He just said, "You win some you lose some. My dick aint fell off yet, 200 plus served." STRIKE FUCKIN THREE. Did this dude just say 200 plus served as if he was McDonald's of dick? Is that's what is good in the hood?

I was disgusted to say the least. I'm sure he isn't even in the minority with his sexual standards. After talkin with him I'm convinced that the blister he had isn't just a "cold sore" this nigga prolly had herpes. That should slow anyone down. I guess he doesn't care. He's not dead and people he fuckin with don't need a test to get it in. He's on that don't ask don't tell. Herpes and HIV is losing it's stigma. People just aren't as shook by it as the where in the 80's. Fuck death. The symptom for the next STD is you won't be able to orgasm. Imagine how scary that would be... It would be called NoCum or some shit.

Anywho. Talking to him crossed my legs up even tighter. And by fate this morning I woke up to a picture message of a dude who has supposedly given 70 plus men and women HIV on purpose. I don't know how true the message is but it definately has my celibacy stance on lock. Be safe. Get tested before and often. Wrap it up and then have fun. Oh yeah. Ladies pop those pills. Babies can be just as bad as STD's if you aren't ready for the responsibilty.

Get It Together

I need to refocus. Somehow school got put on the backburner and I'm doing everything instead of study. I have to refocus because I'm in the dog days of the semester and I really don't want all my hardwork to go down the drain. I would be devestated.

Like and Love...

Can you have one without the other?

I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. I just realized I have a lot of people in my life that I like and will never love. I have just as many that I love and may never like. Then I have few that I like and love equally. I guess I came to this realized this yesterday. Well I've known this for a while but yesterday cemented it. An old friend called and asked me a favor a couple days ago. Usually I would jump to help him but I didn't. The minute I told him I couldn't do it, I realized I don't really like him right now. The next day I hit him up to see if his friend was still pilfering mattresses so I could get a new one. He told me I could get that fresh king for 250 which had me dumb hyped. His next text message is how he chose to tell me his mother died. I have been through this and really there are no words to help someone in such a situation. I was doing some scavenger hunting for apartments but I put that on hold. One day I didn't like him enough to want to see him but the next day my love for him made me go to him just to see that he was ok. That's love.

Now I have love relationship for my sister but I can't say I like her. But this falls in the same category that I just described. I like people that I have met from everyday life. I can't say I will ever love them. To me such an emotion takes too much. At this very moment I'm so focused on getting to my goals that if I don't already love you then I prolly won't any time soon because I can't give the time that love deserves. I think everyone goes through this, some just are quicker than others to feel the like and love.

And then there is my inner circle. I love and like them 95% of the time. I may not like their ways or some of their decisions but I either grow to like it or get over it. My love is unflappable for them tho. The kind of shit that warms me and keeps me confident cuz I know no mistake is too great. They know ME. They may not know everything about what I do. No one will because I believe everybody needs a part of them that no one knows but they know all of me that I share. I need them. Scary but I wouldn't change it.

I gotta jump. I may fly. I may falter. Here goes.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm at a cross road. I want to move bottom line. I wish to just go cruise around my city in search for a vacancy. Paying my first and last and then seeing what will happen from there. Every week I get ready to do it. While I'm driving I just rationalize with myself. "Your close to saving your 10 g's. Wait til you get that promotion. Wait and see if the G band bill passes." Then the devil's advocate pops up in my head. "Just go for it. If you can make it now then if you come across extra money you will be cool. What if all the affordable spots get jumped on while you sit and come up with excuses not to make the move?" When I think about it, I have more reasons to leave than I have to stay.

For one, it was a personal goal to be independent by 22. Always has been. I had plans on being graduated from college and on my own. I figured I wouldn't have my dream job. Partly because of the economy, mostly because I don't have a dream job. I have a dream lifestyle. My vision is to be able to pay on bills and be done with school. That's it. Nothing more nothing less. I will be out of here by March but the graduation thing will have to wait unfortunately. I'm not tripping because my goals are ambitious and even if I don't reach them I'm still above average.

For two, I really think absence from my home will improve my relationship with my grandmother. It's wack right now. We say hello. Exchange a few sentences and then our doors close. I'm gonna take most of the responsibility for us being this way. It stems from my youth tho. She has always been good to me but our relationship has always been a certain way. I've always chilled in my sister's shadow. I'm sure at one point it bothered me. As I've matured I became content in that shadow. My sister left for college and to fill the void she tried to shine a little light on me. I'm used to the shadow so the light is too hot for me. I don't want it and that makes us both feel some kind of way.

For three, my sister is on her way back home. She's not happy about it. Which is understandable. I'm not happy about it and its pretty fucked up. I don't have a problem with sharing the space that I've come accustom to. My problem lies in the fact that I know I will be put in positions that will cause arguments. I know I will be asked to sacrifice things that I will not be willing to. Over the past 5 years I have grown. I don't know if my sister noticed during her visits or not but I no longer yearn for her love, approval, or affection. I used to jump through hoops for her only to be disappointed when I wasn't good enough. Those days are gone. I know at the first disagreement she will run to grandma and I will be cast in the familiar role of villain. I'm not even trying to ruin my relationship with my grandmother or hurt her feelings. But I can't be anybodies bitch up in here either.

These are my top three reasons to roll.

The only thing keeping here is comfort and the fact that I don't want to be like my sister. I can go without. I'm used to it. And only 2% of me thinks that I can be anything like my sister. I just don't think I could be that weak.

I guess it's decided. I gotta jump.

Bout Time, Right?

So I should be doing an essay draft. I can't bring myself to do it because I hate the idea of some student that's paying the same cash as me to learn correcting my shit. I know it's just an assignment but I take their corrections personally even though I don't revise the paper. I just turn it in like it is. Anywho, I decided to procrastinate by updating the music on this blog. I was tired of hearing the same songs and I'm sure my few followers was too. By the way I love yall! I try to comment on your blogs. Comments get me geeked so I'm sure other bloggers feel the same. And on to the new music.

Jesse Boykins III - Sunstar

I absolutely adore this song and most of his music. I'm made that his CD is only availible in digital format but that's neither here nor there. The video for this song is set in South Beach and it's fitting because this song just makes me think of summer nights. One in particular. I went to a movie with a boy I was crushing this summer and this song came on. He was like, "I aint wit all this R&B but dis a smoov ass nigga." I can't help but do my lil groove when certain songs come on. I do it while driving and it gives off the impression that I'm nice on the dance floor (which is a total lie). The crush was like, "Look at her! We got a groover." I taught him my dance and now when I see him around he does it.

Teena Marie - Oooh La La La

I'm not sure but I think I've already put this song in a mix but I really do love it. It's another song that makes me do my groove. First off Lady T is a LEGEND in my mind. I swear I be thanking Rick James for having the vision to take on Teena Marie. I can't imagine her coming out with anyone else. They were music magic soul mates. They were made for each other. Anywho, she absolutely KILLS this song. During the breakdown she holds a note throughout her whole coversation. Who the hell does that? I timed it and she holds it for 15 seconds! Thats nuts. And then you add her convo with the sax and I will play this song everytime. I really don't have to say no more about it though. Yall know this shit is great and if you don't agree then click that red x in the corner.

Chrisette Michele - What You Do

Everyone can tell this song was written and produced by Neyo. Hate or love it that boy has a formula and he sticks to it. You can't deny his talent or her voice. I love Chrisette's distinctive voice. I feel like it's going to carry her for a lot of years. I don't know why but I constantly have deja vu of me and some man celebrating our 25th anniversary on a cruise and she is a part of the entertainment. I imagine her singing "Mr. Radio" and I'm there two stepping my heart out. (This is why I people think I have a problem. I always take things really far and off topic.) Back to topic, this song speaks the truth though. I'm a believer in actions speaking louder than words. People who know me no that this is true because I don't believe what people say, I'd rather you just come on thru with the action. I'm even really careful with my words and commitments because I know I change and so do other people. Ummm yeah tho, the song is sick though.

Teedra Moses - Take My Love Away

I stan for her. Point. Blank. Perieod. I've been on this song for some years now and lately I don't skip it when it comes on in the car. Her voice is so damn smooth and the piano is flowing on the track. The story is one that I think that every woman has or will be able to relate to. Sometimes relationships get in a rut and things become mundane. You seem to argue over the same thing and people promise change and break them and what was once love turns to resentment. She is talking about letting the relationship simmer down before all feelings fade. In some instances is better to have some than all or none. I dig that.

Jesse Boykins III - I Care 4 U

This year some neo soul artist released a tribute album to Aaliyah to remeber her. Everyone put their own spin on some of my favorites. Some I could vibe with, and some I wish went untouched. I Care 4 U is one of my favorite tracks. I love what he did with the track. I'm mad that I couldn't get the full version of the song but the snippet is a good representaton of the full song.

Let's Put it Out There

I went to see "Good Hair" today and I loved it. It talked about the hair industry good and bad. One thing I appreciated is that even though he exposed some rather ludicrous aspects of black women and our hair, Chris Rock never once made the women feel less than about the choices they made with their hair. In my personal opinion he should have went hard on them women who was perming the babies head. That was kind of heart breaking but in the end that's not my daughter and if Lord ever saw fit for me to have a daughter it will never be. I don't care how nappy my daughters hair may be if ever she perms it will be under her own will as an adult. But this is not a critique of the film, community, or my veiws on hair and what it represents.

The realest quote from the movie came from Ice T of all people. "If a woman aint happy with herself she aint gone do nothing but bring pain to every fuckin body around her." Notice this comment isn't race specific, but it is gender inclusive, and it can be applied to everyone. It is human nature for people to find some company for their misery. With that said I'm going to go ahead and state my piece.

As women we subject ourselves to some off the wall shit for the sake of achieving something that we don't naturally have. The love-hate affair that women have with their hair has been disected, documented, criticized, debated, and flipped inside out. Everyone says that a woman who chooses to weave or straighten their hair is trying to assimilate to Eurocentric standards of beauty and so on and so forth. That's cool. You have some valid points, but this shoe fits another foot. It's time to flip the script. Come on down off your pedestal becuase you have your green eyed monster too.

What is it called when the white woman visit's her locoal nip/tuck specialist to gain fuller lips, fuller bottoms, and fuller breast? It is called body motification or "slef - enhancement". Give us our credit please. White women long for the exotic features that derive from Africa, yet when they gain them there is no mention of them trying to assimilate to Afrocentric standards of beauty. What is the difference between a butt enhancement and a sew in weave? Both parties are trying to recreate some asthetically pleasing trait of another culture and are in search of... I use ellipses because I have no clue what these women are trying to attain, and in some cases neither do they. I didn't draw this parallel to suggest one act as right and the other as wrong. I'm just saying no one has room to judge, critique, or codemn. Everybody has eyes their are green with envy. Everyone has a distored sense of self.

"Work in Progress"

He is applauded

he is condemned

THEY duck & dodge bullets

He volunteered in

he lookin for a way out

THEY both wont see 30

He will be burried with a flag

he will be burried with a rag

BOTH victims of environment

He's an American soldier

he's your ghetto hoodlum

It's Not That I Don't Have Any Words...

I have much to say but I've been scribbling shit down in notebooks. I'm a starter and thinker but when it comes to that finishing and getting shit out my mind that's a whole nother story. I'm workin tho. Soon I will post a work in progress. I'm writing a fable thats finna be laced with metaphors and dripped with symbolism. It's a personal challenge so I hope somebody reads and digs it. Prolly won't get out the notebook but as long as I finish I'm oh so cool with it.

The Grass Is High...

The grass is high and the snakes are slithering. I would say keep a look out, but that would mean traveling with my head down. I can't do that. I was raised to walk with my head up. I need to see whats in front of me. I feel your presence, I hear you hissing, I know what you want and thats cool. We all need goals right? Your goal is to trip me up, and I respect that. My goal is to get on across this field. I can't walk on water without getting wet so I'm sure I'm gonna be a lil dusty after this journey. But I will BE. Bottom line.

P.S. Congrats Chaunce Money! The grass is high my nig. As you say "Real recognize real."

The Focus

As of August 31 my focused mask is on and I won't remove it til my mission is accomplished. Some people say, "if all you do is go to school and work then you are a loser." In my mind I say, "Fuck you." In reality I just nod my head and keep it moving. Working full time is a chore in itself. This semester I'm going at this school thing like it's a full time job. If I want unprecedented personal college success then I'm gonna grinnd.

Motto of the Moment: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SHIT THAT AINT GONE GET ME PAID OR A GRADE.

To the Outsiders: It seems harsh and my distance may seem cruel but if I'm gonna do me I gotta get rid of you. Afterall nobody really cares for me like I care for them. Me not getting to close to yall allows me to roll bounce when I need to. And I need to.

To My Cirle: I love yall. You know this isn't a personal thing. I'm never too far from yall. Expect me to check in with yall to make sure everything is cool. If you need me at my desk is where I'll be posted.

To Society: I hope yall change while I take a break from yall. I want to come back to a world who's page had been refreshed.

The Learning Process

"I have learnt silence from the talkative, tolerant from the intorlerant , and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungreatful to these teachers" -Kahlil Gibran


I have yet to read words that jumped off the page in this fashion to me. I FEEL this quote. This is the only way I learn.

I Beg for Good News

I'm not a woe is me type of person but this shit is getting rediculous. Shit keeps happening to me or not happening for me. I try to shake it off and keep my nose to the grind but damn. What bad karma have I put in the air? What am I not doing to help myself? I'm trying hard not to be sensitive. I'm trying hard to be negative.


P.S I'm tired of having these emotionally draining post. I'm not returning until I pick myself up. I pray this is just some hormonal shit and I'm tripping real hard.

Overwhelmed

I'm reaching for the word or words that accurately describes how I feel at this very moment. Perhaps it hasn't been created because it's not in the thesaurus. All I can say is my levies are breaking. One more drop will expand my cracks. I look ahead there is another storm coming my way. I'm going to break, that part is inevitable because I don't see my life getting perfect anytime soon. It's just something that will happen but all messes can be cleaned up. All problems have solutions. And as long as I'm able bodied I'm not going to be defeated. I may fail but I refuse to be a failure.

Walk the Line

__________________________________________________


That red line above these words is the line of hypocrisy. I straddle this line daily. I know how I feel about a certain situation until it happens and its time to sink or swim, do or die, flutter or fly. Every so often I find myself giving out great advice that I don't practice. It is really easy to dissect the hell out of someone else but when it's time to turn the scalpel on yourself you are too shaky to make the first cut. Well, I am flawed. I sit and I think everyday. I make plans everyday. I say "tomorrow I will be better at....", yet everyday I fail to make the change. I'm not perfect. Never claimed to be. Not even striving for perfection, never have never will. I want better for others than I want for myself. I advise others to do things I can't do. I wish for my loved ones to perfect my flaws that they display in themselves so that maybe in turn I can learn from them. I also do things that I know I shouldn't. For these reasons, among others, I trip on that red line everyday. I am a hypocrite.

How Are You?

So today is your 47th Birthday. It's crazy that every year I mark your birthday and I realize just how young you were. I wish I could just talk with you over a slice of cake. I would even settle for sitting in silence and just basking in your presence. These years have been a crazy distorted reality to me but lately you've been coming to me in my dreams. I cherish these subconcious thoughts even though when I awake from them my mental is usually messed up because I know that's as close as I'll get to you until I die.

On this day I think about you and try to do something in your honor. I texted Jackie today. Imagine that, right. I sent your best friend a text on my cell phone. Crazy that when you were alive neither one of us had a cell phone, and when I think about it, I didn't know too many people with a cell phone. Now I'm texting your friend on a phone I purchased all by myself. Anyways, I thanked her for you. She was always really good to you and she kept your hair tight! Remember when she cut the shag and gave you a fly dye job and cut like hers? I remember because you were a whole new woman when I saw you. You was glowin that night. I always appreciated her because she treated you as an equal. She was a true friend. I hope that if something happens to me I have friends like Jackie.

I wonder about how you are doing. I'm pretty sure your ok because in life even when you were down you weren't out. I know this crazy but sometimes I wish that all of this was really a hoax. Like, maybe, you wanted a fresh start so you faked your death. That way I could have a chance to just run into you. I wouldn't even be mad. I would just be happy for the chance. When I see people with strokes, I see you. I hear about people with lupus and I send silent prayers for strength their way. Sometimes I see women that favor you and I stare, HARD. I hear people call your name and I break my neck just to see who answers. I don't what I am expecting. I know it isn't going to be you I see. I was there when you were lowered into the ground, and although I never had the strength to look in your casket I know you were in there. Just like your spirit is invincible, so is my hope. I hope you are happy... Happy Birthday Mommy.

Busy but Shit Aint Gettin Done, Why?

I've been really busy lately. My time is being streched in multiple directions. Some people like doing shit everyday and going out and shit but I don't. If I oly went out once a month I prolly wouldn't complain as long as I saw certain people every so often. With that being said I have to start just saying no because I don't like my current busy bee schedule because I'm not getting the shit done that needs to be done. I also need to take a week or two off from work. I'm waiting until I get the 80 bitch ass hours I need but by the time I get those who knows where I'll be. They say if you make a list of shit you want to do and look at it then it will be easier to do it. In my mind that list is done but the action part is really hard for me to do. So here it is written.

I HAVE to go shopping. I'm not eating meat this week yet I have not went to the store to get a damn thing which is horrible because I refuse to get lazy and go to Taco Bell and get some bean burritos.

I HAVE to go to class. My homegirl copied me the book and we have a test on Wednesday so I need to get it together. As usual I had a high goal of getting an A in this class but my actions have desired a C. In the end I COULD have done better and probably will look back and say I SHOULD have done better, but a credit is a fuckin credit no matter how you slice or dice that bitch.

I HAVE to pay for this damn summer session and parking ticket I recieved. Shame on it all for me letting it get this far but thats just money I don't want to spend on that.

I WANT to go to yoga. My friends want me to go with them but I have a certain routine I follow and the time they want to go doesn't match up with the time I want to go. They gonna think I'm a flaker but oh well. I been pleasing others all month it seems by doing shit I don't necessarily want or need to do so I gotta charge other people's feelings to the game sometimes.

I REALLY WANT to kick it with my muse. It's pretty impossible because I work days and he works nights. He told me he is open on Tuesday but I have plans with one of my best friends that I'm not going to break. Hopefully his night is open and we can do something then. This dude has me crushin on him. SMH at what his text messages do to me. I talk to him everyday and he has yet to say anything that makes me want to delete him out my phone.

I NEED to sit down and write this card for Auntie. We were supposed to go to the movies today but she couldn't make it. We rescheduled for next Monday and she wants to take my little cousins school shopping. I NEED to come up with money for that because I always help out with that every year.

I WANT to buy a little fridge for my room.

I NEED to get my fuckin car washed. It's too great to be so dirty but I need more hours in my night so I could get enough sleep for all this shit. I hate to say it but I may have to go a week with a bedtime and see how my body is effected. I can't fuckin wait til the shift bid. I'm running to the night shift. I was never this damn tired. Cross your fingers that I could get Friday Saturday off guys.

Time Affects Decisions

So I was in my economics class, zoned out like always. For some reason "Simple Life" by No Doubt was in my mind. The beat would play and the words, "If we met tomorrow for the very first time" kept looping thru my mind. Sometimes a line from a song will just fuck me up and get my wheels turning. So this got me going thru random situations that occur in everyday life and how this question could help me come thru decisions about life.

"If we met tomorrow for the very first time..."

Would this matter to me? Sometimes it's not so cut a dry. I realized at this point how powerful time is. I know I think about time a lot because it's pretty damn amazing to me. Example, when it comes to relationships, say your partner has sex with someone else yesterday. Thats a big ass deal and grounds for termination. If he or she had sex with someone yesterday and met you tomorrow it wouldn't even matter. Time makes the question null in void.

In a different situtaion the question can help you see how trivial your actual anger really is. Example, I don't have one at the moment. It's one of things that made sense at the time but on paper I can't get it out. Urgh I hate when that happens. But I'm sure there is a situation where you can ask, "If I met you tomorrow for the very first time, would I even care about this?" And the answer would be, "no" and you can move on and keep kickin it.

Just food for thought I guess.

OFF TOPIC: why won't people leave me the fuck alone? That's why I need to move. I need to be left to my own damn devices.

Isn't It Ironic? Good Dude, Bad Time...

The writing is on the wall,
Should I take a peak?
It's clear as day,
I'm tryna forget how to read.

This game here is crazy
My feelings are the causality
Some would say the heart looses
But it aint that deep.
Meet Mr. Perfect
Just not perfect for me....

My Music Muse Moment

So it has been too long. I wish I could come back on a post but lately I haven't had much time for leisure thinking. It's a damn shame too. Maybe after I eat some pie and do (watch) my yoga on tv I will have time to do all that. My mind has recently been occupied and pretty soon I'm going to sort thru all these things. A quick update is I passed my first summer session class with a B-. Had I not failed that test I coulda did better but I got my 3 credits and I'm 3 credits closer to that bitch ass degree. I passed my first test on my current summer class. I got a C but hopefully with the curve it moves up. Anywho this post is to introduce my new playlist. I was going for a songs that I love that came out before I was born. Enjoy!

Marvin Gaye - I Want You

This a classic by Mr. Gaye and it is one of my favorites by him. It was actually written by Diana Ross' brother. I remember that from some documentry I watched a while back. Anywho when Marvin takes that first breath I just turn it up and nod my head. If any dude wants to get at me just pop this song on and lip sing it to me. If he really wants my heart he will put an extra performance on "Don't play with something, you should cherish for life..." And then we will get up and two step. Lmao. That would be funny as hell and a classic moment in my life. Prolly won't happen but I can dream, right?

Ohio Players - Sweet Sticky Thing

These dudes is smooth as hell. I'll be the first to say that if I was even 16 or 17 when they were pumpin out albums my life would be different. My future plans wouldn't include college or staying in my small town and working in an office. Nope, I would dream BIG. I would move to wherever the hell they were and follow them around until they told me that I could grace one of their album covers! That would be my claim to fame and I would be the shit even in my 80's. Young girls would be talking shit on they myspace and I would just shit on their whole lifestyle by saying, "You aint shit! I was on an OHIO PLAYERS album cover. I have been the black man's playboy for generations!" But those classic covers contained classic albums that contained classic songs like "Sweet Sticky Thing". I like this song the most because of the saxophone. I LOVE saxophones. If you hear this and don't move, check your pulse cuz your dead.

Chaka Khan - Sweet Thing

This womans voice was off the damn chain. She could barely open her mouth and let out a rich ass beautiful noise. Watchin her old youtube videos I deduct two things. 1) She was bad and her shape was one to envy. 2) The keyboardist in the group with the big fro and light eyes could've hit. (Yeah I sometimes pick out men from different eras that I would bone, o well!) I could say "I would love you anyways" and anyone with any sense will finish with "even if you can not stay" and we will continue to sing the whole damn song. Which reminds me of a Christmans Party I went to with my grandma. The lil band kept playing this song and the lady thought she was Chaka. I was like, "Grandma if they sing this song one more time I'm going to choke the shit out of this woman." They played it about 15 times while I went outside and looked for a rock to throw. Leave the classics to the legends.

Teena Marie - Oooh La La La

I love Lady T. Her voice is one of a kind! Thank God for Rick James because without him we wouldn't have the Teena Marie we have. I don't think anyone else would know what to do with her. ( I listen to these tracks as I write these little discriptions and right now I'm just grooving). One thing Teena can do like no other is hold that note and draw the fuck out of a song. Her playing with the saxophone kills me. I gotta hear it everytime the song comes on. I need her to do a little set in L.A soon so I could go. Might even light one up with Lady T.

Sade - No Ordinary Love

I'm not really sure if this song came out before her Love Deluxe album so I have to do my research real quick to see if this should be on my "Before I was born list". After research this song was on the Love Deluxe Album which debuted in 1992, which means I was 4 when this song came out but oh well. I love Sade and she will probably be on many list of mine whether she fits the theme or not because I think she is that great. All of her material is timeless to me. I have a greatest hits, but I need to get her whole catalogue. I probably wont ever see her because she keeps a low profile overseas but if I ever met her I would loose my fuckin mind. I'm not star struck. I met Kanye and didn't even spaze and I think he can do no wrong, but for Sade I would step out of my cool. This doesn't need my 2 cents. You just feel and enjoy the sensations when you listen to Ms. Adu.

I'm Filling Up

This shit is crazy. I should stop and slow down but I can't. This is all so new to me but I think I'm ready. I'll see what happens. Ever get so full off of possibilities that you don't even know what to say? That's were I am.

"The world is full of shit. We use it as fertilizer and grow beautiful things."

Be Back Later (once I come down)

Benefit Vs. Cost

I was talking with my older cousin today and she told me a fable she heard on the radio and it was thought provoking.

"There was a cat who wanted to cross a set a train tracks before the train passed. He mistimed his run and lost a piece of his tail. He turned around to see the damage and was beheaded."

The moral of the story: Don't lose your head over a piece of tail.

You can apply this to life, not just sex.

Faded Memories

I can't quite put my finger on it. Lately I've been having dreams of my mother. I can't quite call it. One was about how life would have been had she not been sick. It was rather pleasant. I had a little brother and all of that great shit. The latest one was almost too much for me to handle tho. She was trying to tell me something but she lost her voice. Her mouth was moving but I just couldn't understand her. She was frustrated and I was sad because I was helpless. When I woke up it was about 2:42 this morning and I cried. I realized I have forgotten my mothers voice. I haven't heard it in so long. I remember things she said, how she would react in certain situations, amongst other things. Facial expressions are becoming vaguer and no matter how hard I try I can't quite grasp the tone of her voice. I can't imitate it. This shit is frustrating to me.

Times like this I realize that I take so much for granted. Everyday I constantly chase the unknown. I'm always on the move. I'm always doing something even when I don't always know the cause or purpose. As I get older I realize that my mother's death has affected me more than I give it credit for. I'm sure as I grow and one day become a mother myself this void will become even more evident. Even though I've had adequate mother like figures and been adopted into some great environments it all falls short.

I love watching the mother daughter dynamic. It's such an uniquely beautiful bond. Where I work I'm afforded the oppurtunity to watch the relationships play out right in front of me in many stages. I see young girls imitate their mothers ways, I see more mature women protect their older and delicate mothers, I see new mothers embrace their infant daughters and all these situations make my soul smile. Sometimes I get the occasional "only if" thought that sneaks in my mind but I quickly shake it. If I dwell on what I didn't have instead of appreciate all that I did have I would probably be clinically depressed.

I often see young girls arguing with their mothers and it breaks me up. If only they knew the time they had left was so limited and how heavy the guilt of every disagreement would lie on their souls, they would be the ideal daughter. I know I can take my own advice when it comes to me and my grandmother because Lord knows I butt heads with her like I do no1 else in my life. Honestly I'm really going to work on that because I don't think she knows how much I really do appreciate her. Ok, back on topic. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have had moments when I was a total bitch had my mother not passed, hell I had them while she was here and I regret every single one, but I just want others to just strive to be the best child they can be while they still can be. I know 5 more minutes with my mother is asking the impossible of God, but I really need to remember her voice. I know I can't hear her but if a memory of her saying my name is the last sound I hear I wouldn't even complain.

I'm Still Here

I know my last post have been on some "what is her problem" type stuff. It's crazy because when I read my shit back it's real vague and dramatic, so to those who don't know me they might assume I'm going thru some crazy ass struggles. In reality my struggle is less than someone elses and more than others. And everyday that passes is another day I made it thru. But this post isnt about all that. I have a lot of things to share but I dont have the time or know how. So I'm just gonna randomly lay some shit out there. Some are just thoughts and ideas and some I will expand on later, others I dont know what to do with.

I got some songs that need to be on the blog. No I'm not gonna go the MJ route.

When did being a real person become obsolete?

When did being a gangster and bad bitch become things to aspire to be?

Not to be a man basher, but where are the real men hiding at?

When am I gonna get my shit together?

My Flaws

"the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud, was more painful than the risk to blossom"

Scary Dream

What If....

A letter to my Aunt.

I need a blunt, and not that dirt ass stress you was offering!

He plays, I play but I quit and I'm serious this time.

Volunteer?

Anyways I'll be back by the end of this week with something legit to read.

Don't Know What to Say

Well I've been gone for a minute. I've been working on some things and sorting thru some things and trying to grab some focus. I wanted to do a post on problems and how to make them powerless, but life happens from time to time and my mind gets blown when I least expect it. I'm going to post more completely tomorrow but I have to get this one out asap.

I'm so selective about people I choose to spend my time with and usually it takes a while for me to get comfortable. Sometimes I think my relationships are tested with people early. This has a been a wild past couple of days that taught me a WHOLE lot about some people in my life. I'm glad to say that I know some good ass people and found them thru unfortunate circumstances that I wouldn't change for anything.

I took a professional step back but in terms of personal acquisitions in my life I've gained tenfold. These two particular people made going to work easier and actually put smiles on my face. One of them got dealt a heavy blow this week. The way the other one stepped up to the plate reminded me of the definition of a true friend. I was shown proof that true friendships don't have probation periods. When you find real, true to heart, down for whatever friends you need to hold on tight to them. Genuine people are a rarity in this world full of counterfeits.

Faithless

Right about now I need to be the cause of something positive for somebody in this world. I need to do something right. I tried to not blog until I got out of this negative emotional state that I'm in. I can't quite pinpoint the reasoning or moment I got into this funk but I can't wait to cleanse myself of it. Lately I've been fucking up all over the place. Little incidents here and there are making me question everything about myself. I try to analyze my feelings but I realized they can't be explained. I'm just this way for the moment and like most storms this too shall pass.

I know one of my biggest problems is I have disappointed myself lately. I'm starting to lose faith in myself lately which is a big deal because throughout my life I have been the only sure thing I can count on. What do you do when you can't even depend on yourself? Who the fuck can you count on? I'm sure most people would take this opportunity to get all religious and call on a higher being but that's not really my way. Maybe I need religion but I ask too many questions to ever fully devote myself down that road. Now I'm getting off the topic at hand.

I'm finding it hard to stay confident when everything around me is telling me I'm less than what I think of myself. How do you try to prove something to yourself? At what point do you stop and think that maybe, just maybe, you have been lying to youself? I don't know because I'm not yet at those points. I'm going to fight the universes' accusations. I am smart. I am talented. I am something to somebody. I am an inspiration. I just need inspiration. I need to get the kinks out of my compass. I need to get it together. I need to make myself accountable to me. I need...

I Love My Daddy

So today is fathers day. I'm greatful to be able to partake in this little hallmark holiday and now that I have a job my Daddy takes advantage of it! It doesn't matter because he always gave me what I wanted (even tho I'm still waiting on my tint!) He hooked me up with a lot of material things but most of those get tossed aside. He constantly teaches me about life and that is what I will always value about that man. He is the only person who's opinion I value more than my own. This isn't to say I do what he says but I do take his opinion into consideration. They say children shouldn't be friends with their parents but I am my father. I'm literally a girl version of him right down to the way we think. Our relationship is one in a million. It isn't perfect but I wouldn't change shit about him, me, or my upbringing.

This isn't to say he is perfect. I don't put him on a pedestal at all. He has done many things that disappoint me and show me things in a man that I will not tolerate in my future husband, but he never sugarcoats shit. He is perfectly imperfect. I can tell him about himself and he does the same to me. Flaws and all he is my one and only father and I love him forever and ever. I wouldn't want any other father and that's real talk. The day he goes I will loose my fuckin mind. I know its a fact of life and I should be greatful that I got to have my 21 years with him but I still have too much to experience and I need him here. I love you LVM!

Music Time

So it's time for a change on the music front. Sometimes I try to have a theme with these little playlist but today there is no rhyme or reason for these selections. It's all just some really good R&B that tickles my fancy. Enjoy!

Jill Scott - Crown Royal

Who can hear this song and not love it? The beat is simple but it goes hard as hell. The content is sexy which is to be expected from Jilly from Philly. This song makes me think of somethings. I need to find an older smooth lover. Maybe I'll work on that before summer is out. Until then I'm still keeping my promise I made last month! ;-) By the way Crown Royal aint good for nothing but storing valuables in that purple and gold sack the bottle comes in. That shit is gross.

Aaliyah - Come Over

This was one of my favorite tracks off of Aaliyah's last album. Tank did his thing on the song writing. Everyone has that one person they dig being with. Especially at night, not just to have sex, but just be in their company. It's just a cool little song that everyone can say, "Yo this song reminds me of so and so."

Justin Timberlake - Until the End of Time

This is kind of the only song I still play off of FutureSexLoveSounds. I can't deny the lyrics and melodic beat. It's something that I wish was sung by a prominant 90's artist. I imagine Jodeci could freak the fuck out of this song. They probably would've put some flavor on the track. But their time is gone and JT got the song and did what he could.

Jamie Foxx ft. Marsha Ambrosius - Freakin' Me

I LOVE this song. Well Marsh could sing the alphabet and I would throw it on this blog but her voice is unique and dope. I hated to hear that Floetry broke up. I'll admit that I put up with the poetist just to hear the songstress but seein and how the songstress is only hoping on hooks I want that old thing back. This song go hard tho.

Raheem DeVaughn ft. Marsha Ambrosius - Marathon

Here she is again but I love Raheem too. He makes complete songs. You can listen to one of his songs 10 times and find something different to love about it everytime. The way they play with their voices and off of each others voice makes the track addictive. Then the horn plays with your eardrums and makes your heartbeat different. Oh yeah, the song has some quotable one liners. "...And there's no need for batteries once you turned on your light"

About That.... Don't Hold Your Breath....

So in what has to be one of the most random moments in a pretty random week I was asked to apologize. Let me just give you a little info on myself. I am stubborn as all hell. I really think things thru before I act or speak. That's one of the reasons I get silent when I pissed to a certain extent, I don't want to apologize at all. If I accidently offend someone then I apologize with the quickness. I usually only do things that will make people happy so when the outcome is other then shits and giggles then it wasn't my intent and I need to apologize. Those apologies are rare. Now when I do or say something to prove a point and someone is rubbed the wrong way, oh the fuck well, you shouldn't have pushed me. You can be mad and never speak to me and I won't give two fucks, it's your decision. However, if you decide to be cool with me, please don't make the mistake of thinking your going to get an apology out of me. In my eyes if an apology isn't sincere it is an insult. When I say "I apologize" in essence I'm saying "if I could turn back the hands of time and relive the situation things would be different." I'm no Anita Baker so get the fuck out my face! I say what I mean and do what I feel is deserved.

So the other day I was asked for an apology. Honestly I didn't know what this was all about. I said somethings in a heated debate with someone I know. When I wouldn't apologize I was called an immature child that wasn't capable of participating in an argument. I don't remember much of what typed because my mind was on fire but I do remember saying something to the effect of "That's how I feel and if you think I feel bad for it get over yourself. You will suck a dick before I apologize." With that said I logged off aim. I logged back on today I was greeted to, "I guess I won't get an apology cuz I damn sure aint suckin no dick! LOL. We always disagree and now that I think of it you never apologize." I was like, "take it or leave it." We went on to have more debates which I love.

Some people (read: Grandma) thinks I need to mature and what not. Honestly I think I'm prolly gonna be like this til it's ashes to ashes dust to dust on that ass because this makes so much sense to me. I argue my point of view and nobody has ever made a point that even makes me question my opinion.

To Need or To Want

I don't know why this came in my mind but I've been wondering if I would rather be needed or wanted by the people in my life. I've decided that the only person I have enough patience to be consistently needed by will be my future child. I think it's better to be wanted by people than needed. Neediness breeds resentment to me. Don't get it twisted tho, I love helping people. Something in me gets agitated when people repeatedly ask me for shit because they know I will always say yes. Something annoys me when people rest on their grind and become dependent on me. People easily try to take advantage of me but I'm not the type that will stand for it. To me it means more when someone genuinely WANTS my company and everything I bring.

On the other hand I don't like being dependent on people. When I tell people "You are in my life because I want you here, not because I need you.", it's often not taken the right way. I have to explain that to me I value the intangible aspects of that they bring. In a world where people want to use people to get something out of the relationship I would rather just know the person. Of course I use people to get what I need because that's human nature. People rely on people. But when I use people there is never a pretense of friendship, both parties get something out of the deal, and after the deal is done I usually make moves that build upon the help I recieved so that I don't constantly become a burden on the one who helped me. I don't mix business and pleasure.

I don't really no what the purpose of the post was. I just let the thoughts flow out of my fingertips. This is pretty raw at the moment. Maybe later I will refine my thoughts but for right now I'm happy with what I wrote.

...But Life Happened

I was all ready to do a post on an interracial dating trend I see. I was so geeked my first break at work was spent doing a little draft on my phone. I went out to accompany some new friends shopping. Plans change and I got to know one of them better. (I love meeting cool ass people. It makes me feel like I'm not the last of a dying breed. More on that later.) So anyways in between saying goodbye to my friend and walking to my car I found out my little sister is pregnant. I feel so many emotions. I can't quite put a finger on my mindset. I love her so I refuse to let her fail. As long as I have room for a negative balance in my bank account then the baby will be cool. I feel like she doesn't quite understand what is about to happen, but her ignorance is bliss. She said, "I know my youth is over but I feel like I'm starting a great adventure." I know she is going to try her best and that's really all one can ask for. All first time mothers have doubt I don't care if you're 14 or 40, having someone's whole life depend on you is a beautiful gift and a hellacious burden. I'm not going to ask the dumbass questions of "what were you thinking?" "Why didn't you do this or that?" The fact of the matter is what's done is done. The best thing is to focus on the future. With that said:



Dear Future Niece or (Hopefully) Nephew,

I was hoping you would've waited for a little while longer. I'm not ready to let go of your mommy. She's pretty fucking cool so I could see why you couldn't wait to get here. The thing is your mommy has to change and grow. I think your presence will speed that process up. I need you to be strong because the two of you will be learning together and at times it will seem like all you have in the messed up world will be each other. Remember that your bond will always be enough to get you through the toughest of times. Me and your other auntie will make sure you are cool but we don't have the same control mommy has. I'm a little overwhelmed at your existence so I don't really know what to say. You are loved already.

Love,
Me

It's Been A While

I have so much I want to write about. At work I find myself putting my mind on autopilot so that I can philosophize on different things. I have some topics and what not but I'm going to wait until my mind is right to formally get them out. I've been dumb busy trying to find a way. I always think about my future and sometimes I'm so tired that I live nap to nap and just drag thru the day. While I've managed to have some really good times lately with more to come soon no matter how my plantation (read: work) tries to rob my joy. On another note I'm doing pretty damn good in my little summer class. I hate going but I feel like if I keep it up then I'm gonna have a good grade which I desperately need. I find it easier to ease back into blogging by posting a new playlist. The one I intended to post was just some good classic shit (read: shit from before I was born) but the mood I'm in AT THE VERY MOMENT is one of cockiness. I don't know why but at the moment I feel like I'm the shit. So with that said: here is the soundtrack of the hour.

Clipse ft. Skateboard P - I'm Good

This has me foaming at the mouth for their next CD and some good ass weather. I'm not use to what L.A is going thru right now. I'm used to the sunshine but right now it's all June Gloom. As soon as the weather permits I'm going to hit up my car wash. I'm finna put this on the Zune and turn this up full blast on repeat. I'm finna feel like the shit cuz a car wash is an event. I always dress real nice and do some maintenance shit like get my nails and hair done. To top off the ambiance of feeling myself I fill my tank up. If your like me you drive different when your shit is on full. This song just makes you feel good about your damnself, and when you carry yourself confidantly it shows in your aura.

Kanye West - Can't Tell Me Nothing*

I remember how nuts I went when I first heard this song. I didn't (and still don't) have my money right but you couldn't tell me a damn thing. I was planning on making moves that I knew my people wouldn't approve of but I felt it was some shit I had to do, win or lose. It feels like so many lines in this song speak to me. This is that song that reminds you that all you really need is self esteem. "This is my life homie, you decide yours". I'm diggin that to the fullest.

Jay-Z - U Don't Know*

This song is one for all the doubters. No I'm not a drug dealer but I definately have the mindset of a hussler. I can't see myself losing. This song is more of a metaphor for my life. Some of the topics Jay spits about I may never reach in my life. I may not know what it's like to sign multi - million dollar deals but I will be in a better position in 5 years then I am now and that's off sheer determination. I never sit still in content. While for the most part I live my life with a certain amount of angst, when I look back on my situations I always come out on top.

*Please excuse these whack ass drops. If I could get the songs off my computer the quality would be so much better but I only have what mixpod has. Also forgive me for only having 3 songs. This list was rushed but it reflects how I feel. A new list and more in depth post is coming soon...

Double Standards

As a female I can say that I often get the benefit of some double standards but when it comes to sex and relationships I often find myself floored by the the ideals both men and women have when it comes to women. I don't know why I can see both sides of the argument but for some reason I can. I can see why men think women play "games" and I can see why women think men can be full of shit. I don't really know where I fall. I can play games and I can be full of shit but I can always justify my reasoning for why certain people fall where they do in my categories that I have created to describe a general relationship with the people I come in contact with.

Of course I have my own double standard when it comes to the men and women in my life. With women you are either family or an acquaintance. I have about three friends in my life that are like my sisters. Yeah I have a sister (I think. I question some bloodlines but if my family calls her my sister than that is what I will call her for the sake of a title) but these particular three that share no blood with me are just as close as my sisters that I grew up with (I know they are my sisters. So what if we don't have the same mother or father, we were raised together and they are my sisters). I have to have these people in my life no matter what. Yeah that was complicated with all the parenthesis and what not but that is not the point. The point is, that I would do for my circle of sisters some shit that would agitate me if a male friend asked. If they asked me for $100 I would get it to them within hours as long as I have access to an ATM. If a male friend asked me for $20 not only would he not get it, I prolly wouldn't talk to him anymore. Yeah that's fucked up but its a stigma that is attached with females giving males money and I'm not down with how I would feel after passing some nigga money. It would have to be an emergency in their life for me to consider passing my dead presidents.

Now with men in my life they fall in a bevy of categories and they quickly can get demoted on one false move. It could be because when it comes to men there are so many alterior motives involved. I usually make the mistake of having a preconcieved use for most men when they enter my life. I know that's wrong because when you have preconceptions of people you basically set yourself up. When men don't turn out to be what you want them to be there will be a problem. It mostly happens when people don't reach your expectations. There are rare pleasent suprises when men exceed your expectations, but that's pretty rare. I'm working on keeping an open mind when I meet men but old habits are hard to break. Sadly at this point in my life the men I come only have penis working in their favor. They don't have contacts for business ventures, sense of humor, a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, prospects for success in their future, or good reason to be around me. One can take that sentence and come to the conclusion that I might be a cold gold diggin bitch. That's not the case, I promise. Of course I'm not perfect and I realize that but I constantly work on my flaws. I'm not saying a dude needs to be on my level but I can't stand when people are content with the here and now. Have a goal and go get it.

I can't tell you how many dudes tell me that I play "games". I can't stand when they say this. It makes no sense to me because I'm not doing anything any different then them. I know on sight if a dude approaches me if I would give it up to him. Most women do whether they admit it or not. With this decision already made in my mind I decide whether they get a real number or if I change the last digit. Now, I'm not some crazy nutbucket hoe, just because you get a number doesn't mean I'm finna lay with you. Chances are you will talk yourself out of sex within the first conversation. Men do this same thing. They approach knowing that they will lay the female down if she lets them (or gets talked into it). This is where the game changes for men and women. When a woman decides she doesn't deem you worthy of her draws she is "playing games". When a man decides he is done with the woman for whatever the reason he is "full of shit". This is the part of the game I don't get. The bottom line is when people don't get what they want they move the hell on. Why all the salt? People decide what role they want to allow other people to play in their lives. Why is a woman deemed loose if she wants a jumpoff but a man is deemed a player? Why is a man deemed a good man for having standards that they want their girlfriend to possess before they settle, and a woman is deemed a gold digger (for lack of a better word) for not settling for a man that is beneath her?


*maybe soon I will break down the categories I put men in tomorrow or so if I'm inspired. Hopefully I do because I've been thinkin a lot on the topic internally. I guess it will be cool to see if my theories make sense when I read them on paper as if someone else wrote them. Damn this is a tangent but I often read some of the shit I write as if I didn't write it and think "damn that bitch is brilliant I wanna meet her, or this dumb trick sounds so stupid". I often hate my own ideals or think I'm a ghetto female Confucious who needs her own forum so she can reach the masses. LMAO literally! Who thinks this kind of stuff of themselves? Let me just publish this shit.

Farewell May

I hate May's. Maybe it's a mental thing because people aren't supposed to hate whole months but me and May have a history. Maybe it's a mental thing but they are always doozy's. Today is the second to last day in the month and I want to just breeze by them but you know I can never breeze by anthing. The only thing that comes easy to me is sleep, and lately even that hasn't been the best.

All you have to do is read May's post to see what kind of month is has been. My rant's have outnumbered my rave's. I have my moments when I am human and complain but for the most part I can't stand complaining because it is a waste of energy. I like to just be happy and enjoy what I have instead of dwelling on what I don't have. With that said please bring on June. I'm not excited about summer school but I'm excited about the unknowns that lie ahead. I'm dumb geeked about June 1st. I'm gonna bring in the month right, with hopefully nothing but good vibes.

But first thing first, I have to go say my goodbyes.

Anxicelibacy....

What a crazy ass 24 hours I've had. My mind is on another level of trickery and it had me feeling some crazy way. After an anxiety filled 24 hours I have come to the decision to be celibate for a minute. I don't exactly know how long this going to last. I don't know even my personal terms of this decision, all I know is that at THIS very moment in time I'm gonna put a lock on it. What made me do this? Read on...

Yesterday while I was gettin my locs maintained my grandma calls me talkin bout, "Kaiser said call them." I'm pissed because my grandmother is the type of person who loves asking me questions when I don't know shit. When she doesn't get the answers she goes and tells my grandfather and Daddy. They have that same complex. It's worse with my dad because he will ask and not really want to know the answer. I push it out of my mind because it was after hours and nothing could be done and on top of that I had aleady got results for my screening. As I was driving it clicked that I hadn't gotten the results for my STD screening. I shrugged that off because that's one thing I don't play about. I have to hold some negative results in my hand and see that shit in black and white before a damn thing goes down. At this point I was solid that STD's couldn't be what this dr wanted to discuss but I hadn't been there for any other reason than a physical exam and all the lab work was precautionary STD screening.

When I got home the barrage of questions that hit made my head spin. I learned that if I'm interragated I might fuck around and admit to some shit I know I didn't do. My grandmother went from interrogator to dr in 5 seconds. "Maybe your anemic, maybe you don't eat enough, take this multi - vitamin, are you pregnant. You know they only call when something is bad." I just had to say I was probably anemic and take my black ass to my room knowing damn well I didn't get my blood tested for iron levels. When my dad called yet again I coulda just cut off all communication with the outside world because this shit was getting on my nerves. I had no idea why they called and I need to change my grandmothers contact number. I'm fuckin grown and pay my own insurance so they need to call me. That's just a personal note to myself I guess.

So anyway, I was winding down and this is when my mind with ape shit crazy. It was dead silent and all I could hear was everyone telling me calls from drs only mean your dying. I don't what came over me but I became a straight up Dr. I earned my degree from the University of Google in the matter of seconds. I asked some crazy ass questions and looked up every STD and symptom from HIV to trich. By the time I was done diagnosing myself not only did I have every STD known to man, I was finna go down in history as the first carrier of about 5 more. I should've just took my black ass to sleep cuz the last time I had sex there was a condom present before and after, and the last time I had sexual activity I just got some head and rolled out. (Yeah that's too much info but you don't know me and this is my uncensored mind and experience! I just want yall to know how far out my mind is. All of this could've been avoided if I had just talked to someone and let them talk some sense into me. I have a bad habit of living , digesting, and then sharing.)

You would think I would realize how silly I was being but no, that's not my way. I morphed into the most religious person ever. I got on my knees and prayed HARD. At one point in my conversation with God I begged for chlamydia or gonorrhea because that shit had a cure. I got so desperate with prayer I told Him that if I had the monster just let me die in a regular way. I was like, "Please don't let me go out like Gia. (I know yall seen that movie) Just let me get in an accident or something so my death isn't stigmatized. I don't want to die slow and with pity. I really don't want any disease. Lord you know how careful I am and I know pre-marital sex is a sin but you know I sin everyday and you make it feel so right! Ok, ok, ok sorry God I'm off topic." I remember saying, "If I live I won't have sex til I'm married. I don't care if I'm 30! Amen." I laid in my bed for about an hour and then I thought about what I just said. I got up out my bed and hit the floor again and was like, "God, its me again. You know how our relationship is... I'm only 21 and marriage seems far away from me. I know you don't expect me to never have sex again. I know you don't expect me to wait 9 years. Imma try real hard though, in the end you know my heart. So, ummm, yeah just let me live. Amen. P.S don't strike me. Amen." Then I said a quick prayer to my mother and laid back down.

It was late. Like 12:30 and I had to get up 3 hours and drag my ass to work. I went to sleep and had a fucked up dream. It was so surreal. I was in my late 20's and I was talking to some high school kids. In my little spill I was talking about living with AIDS. It was vivid and my story was real fucked up. I woke up at 3:05 in the coldest sweat ever. I was so greatful that I woke up in my room as myself that I wasn't even mad that I didn't get no sleep and had to go to work.

I wasn't really tired but I wasn't exactly focused either. I was just waiting to be able to call Kaiser and see what the fuck they wanted. After being on hold for what seemed like forever the lady told me what they called me for. God did me a favor. I didn't have no kind of STD at all. I have some lil common infection that will go away with some pills. I learned a lot in these few lil 24 hours though, that I will never take for granted. It's crazy how my mind works. This hysteria I work myself up in is a gift and curse. Sometimes I be trippin. I dig it though because, I don't always have to play with fire to feel the effects of a burn.

And that is why until futher notice I'm on the celibate tip. You don't have to be as cautious as me. I'm pretty sure a condom will have you covered, but a fresh ass test never hurts. As always "Respect yourself, Protect yourself."

Whenever I Feel Like It...

So the "Weekly 5" has turned into a whenever I feel like changing my music type thing. As before I will give a description for the songs and whatnot but I think I will change the music when my fancy is tickled. I may change less than or more than every week. I haven't posted in a minute because my life is changing right now. I see the pro's and I see the con's but I'm just tryna let it flow. Lately I've been taking it one day at a time. I'm happy summer is here tho. It's not gonna be what I thought i would be but few things in my life turn out how I think it will. I love it all the same. Enough with the small talk, I'll make a legit post later, ON TO THE MUSIC!

Sade - Couldn't Love You More

I absolutely LOVE Sade. She's simply classic and her music makes me feel so relaxed and calm. I don't what it is but when I hear particular songs my mind just goes on a natural high. This isn't one of those songs but it I love it. When I hear songs like this it makes me want to meet the person who inspired it. It also makes me wonder if there is anyone in my future who will make me feel such a way. "I couldn't love you more, if I tried."

Mary J. Blige - You Are Everything

I'm am not a huge Mary fan. Especially of the shit releases these days. I don't get her appeal. She's one of those bitches who sings lead in the choir because she scares the conductor. If disagree leave in a comment, and I expect the comments (if anyone reads this blog) to be dirty because Mary fans are of a different cloth. I remember saying Mary couldn't sing at work and I almost got shanked. Anywho. Mary has some undeniable gems and this one of them. I really remember the video because it was beautiful. From her Indian inspired style, to the location, to them sexy ass men in that long ass boat. I was young but their sexy was not to be denied. I should just post the YouTube and call it a day. As a matter of fact I'm gonna go peep the YouTube and see if young me knew what was good in the hood.

Jazmine Sullivan - Prototype (live)

Now this tramp here! I feel some kinda way about Ms. Sullivan. I am more than pissed about her debut CD and I only have myself to blame. I heard "Need U Bad" before it became the anthem for the bitch that can't let go, and I was diggin it. When I first hear an artist I like I become a little scavenger for their music. I found ALL TYPES OF GREAT shit from Ms. Sullivan and it had my ears ready for some great shit. I had my money ready for Tuesday release of her album. Then I played the album. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. It was as the equivalent of seeing a dude with a size 12 shoe and when he shows you his pipe its more pinky finger than penis. I gave her CD to my cousin but I still rock to the unreleased shit. This was a gem.

Raheem DeVaughn - Desire

I dig the hell out of Mr. DeVaughn. Never mind the fact that he looks like a cute lil cartoon character, the man is talented. I saw one of his shows on BETJ and I need to go to one live real soon. He actually has this dude paints as he sings and his band plays and the artwork comes out really dope. This song has so much good shit going on I don't where to start. I'm a sucker for harmonies and break downs and this song starts out letting you know that something is coming with all the warm-up action. The content is simple but sick. It lets you know the power woman can hold over a man's mind.

Pete Rock & C.L Smooth - It's On You

The production on this song is simply sick. Pete Rock lost his mind with this one, but then again all the production he did was crazy. It's like these two were custom made for each other. There are like a plug and outlet. They both have a purpose but they need each other to have their purpose realized. When I listen to this song I just nod my head and imagine I'm in New York chillin on the block just taking in the scene. I can't paint my imagination but its vivid in my mind. It's a scene and feeling I've never felt in actuality because I'm not an adolescent male who lives in New York and it isn't 1993. Never been a boy, never been to New York, wasn't a teen in 1993. Just a movie that's in my mind. I get the same feeling when I listen to Jay-Z's debut album. When I listen to that CD I feel like I'm his little sister and I rode shotgun with him and got to experience his life. More on that later. Times like this I wish I could let ppl borrow my mind so they could feel what I can't convey.

Listen, enjoy, and add to your collection!

When You ASSume

I have a coworker who is obsessed with the homicide blog that the LA Times runs. She reads it everyday. Everyday she comments and generalizes the deceased victims names that appear on the blog. I never really speak on it. Thankfully I never really know anyone on the blog. Since I don't know them I keep my comments to myself out of respect. I'm not gonna lie tho, I have a few friends that make me nervous when I don't hear from them for a few weeks. When she reads the names I pray that by the end of the report I know none of the victims and none of the murderers. I'm honest and will call, a spade a fuckin spade. If one of my affiliated friends ended up on this list I wouldn't even say shit if she offered her two cents. In society no one ever deserves to have their lives cut short at the hands of another man, but my affiliated friends live by a different set of rules. They wake up knowing that something as simple as walking on the wrong street will cost them their life and in their minds it makes sense. While I don't agree with their lifestyle these are my friends. If they die in the game I would be sad at my personal loss but that's the rules, they played the game, they lost.

Today my coworker was reading the blog. Now I have known that my friend has been gone since May 13 but I was taken a back when his name showed up on this blog all the same. I guess I still can't believe he's gone. I like to think that is a big ass joke and that I can text him and expect a response in minutes. Her reading his name out loud just did something to me today. She started talking about how the people on the blog were living recklessly. I don't why but I had to check her.

She felt shittier then shit when I told her I knew one of the people she named. That I talked to him 3 hours before he was fatally shot. She looked silly as hell when I told her that he had been on his own since he was 18 years old. How he was putting himself through school and always held a job down. How I never heard him complain or use any excuse even though nobody ever game him shit. How he wouldn't even be allowed in a gang if he wanted to because of his open sexual preference. I even had to ask her how she would feel if her son, who is affiliated, was on this blog (Lord forbid) and somewhere some judgemental person was making assumptions about his whole life based on a faulty ass line? That someone, somewhere was judging the child that she made because he had an ethnic name and was shot in a place that wasn't known for being affluent, but he called home. She didn't have a damn thing to say. Really, what could she have said? I scraped the egg off her face and scrambled that shit.

All of this to say I think we all, myself included, need to check ourselves before we make such brazen assumptions. Especially when it comes to the deceased. I know that I can be judgemental and think I know everything about a person. It is a terrible flaw and one that I am really trying to correct. I really want to be a better person and being an ass and assuming shit will really stunt my growth. When I feel like assuming I will flip the script and take the time to learn and understand. Thanks Money Mike. You teach me lessons, even in the afterlife.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/homicidereport/2009/05/the.html

Fear Of Flying?

I think I'm relatively successful but I know that I'm scared. I'm not afraid to fall because that means at one point I was in rare air. In my mind if I did it once then I must be able to do it again. I am, however, scared of the pressure. When I am successful people always expect more when I have given my all. How do you tell someone that there is no more? How do you deal with their reaction to your revelation? Can you reach and fulfill their expectations or do you know your limit and move on?

I think that this is the battle that I fight within myself. I hate to disappoint others but I have to stay true to myself. In the end I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I have to answer to myself. When everything is on the up and up I will share the credit with everyone in my life because they molded me. When shit turns sour I have take the blame because the final decision is up to me.

All of this to say: Whether I reach my destination or crash and burn, I can't be afraid to fly...

Blow.

Yesterday I had one of those days that made me happy that I had been chosen to live my life and no1 else's. My month has been filled with ups and downs but yesterday was a peak. I was excited as soon as I got off work on Sunday. I had a great after work day so anticipation was high for Monday. I woke up a lil earlier than I had to. The only pressing issue of the day was my final. I wasn't even mad tho. It's like I was just happy to be and I went on about my morning ritual.

I went to my friends house to pick up some Billy. My friend and I talked a lil business then I was off to school to take this final. I stopped by the bookstore to sale all my books. I was bummed out when they only took one for a measly 41 bucks but it was more than I had in my pocket when I woke up so I rolled with it. I went in my test ready to just go ahead and bubble whatever but something in me told me to go ahead and give it a college try. I did and later found out I got a D and ended up with a C in the class. All in all I wasn't fazed as long as I didn't sit in the class next semester.

Timing was perfect because when I got home I got a lil rest then went to go catch up with my girls. We were STARVING like nobodies business. We took the scenic route (aka I made a mistake and got on the wrong freeway) but we ended up at BJ's. I fucked my food up and showed my chocolate pizookie with oreo creme the same treatment. I can't remember what was said but it made me laugh so hard. One of those good deep laughs that make you feel like you maxed out on crunches.

We went next door to the hookah lounge and had a goofy time. I decided to go ahead and get my own hookah for the summer nights that I enjoy in my beautiful city. My friend bought me pineapple smoke (she only did it so I won't charge her to come to the lounge at my house). Next we went to the galleria when I ran into my friends mother. We need to locate her daughter cuz we aint hung out since March. Where are you Dinkus? I bought some cute heels for Bad Bitch Saturday. I can't wait! Anywho after that went to Del Amo and went to Metropark, one of my favorite place for shirts that feature bad bitches with pistols. Which reminds me I need to get a gun license and a cute custom gun.

Afterwards we went to the hills to spark Billy up. Billy had me relaxed and calm. Great ending to a cool day except for we wasn't done. We went to Petco to get some fighter fish. My friends were still feelin Billy so I went alone. I picked a beautiful fish. He became even prettier when the cool ass cashier gave him to me for $20. Everybody meet Blow:

Damn, It's A Hard Pill Swollow

Finals are here and the way I feel, or don't feel, about them has really opened my eyes. I've always known school was NotForTheFaintOfHeart. I got good grades and all that jazz but I know my high marks were a product of the fucked up LA school district I was in. The effort I put into school would have been rewarded with fails in a better district. I can't say for sure I would've failed though because failing doesn't come easy to me, I'm almost sure I would've put in enough effort to graduate, kind of like I'm doing in college at the moment. I can pinpoint the exact event that changed my views on education. At the time I was too young to understand but in hindsight I'm pretty sure this molded me.

When I was in 3rd grade I tested for the Gifted and Talented Education program at my school and didn't get in. I don't how far off I was but that's probably irrelevant. In my mind I was one of the smartest kids in my class. I could admit that Christopher Grogan was a certified genius though, and therefore I gave him the undisputed title of ultimate person to sit next to during a test, lol (and be easy I didn't cheat in elementry). I never forgot his name even though I was in 3rd grade and now I'm one semester away from graduating from college (Lord Willing). I even crossed paths with Christopher Grogan later in life. We worked at Target together. When I saw him I was shocked because I just knew he would be one of those kids that graduated high school early and went to school on the East Coast. While I never showed my "disappointment" (for lack of a better word), for the first time I had done to someone what was always done to me. I felt that someone didn't reach their full "potential" while totally disregarding the fact that the dream I had for them was not the dream they had for themselves.

But back to the test. Me failing the test didn't make me feel inferior because I didn't understand how matching some patterns and shapes proved my apptitude to someone, but the test did make something click. It was then I decided that no grade or test could ever dictate how smart I was or wasn't. My educational experiences that followed would soon validate my theory. There have been times were I recieved an A and didn't know shit, there were times when I recieved a D and could explain the topic as if I was the teacher. There were times when I had to work really hard just to earn a C and came out more knowledgeable than I was when I entered the class. Those classes that pushed me were the ones I valued most because they served their purpose. It didn't matter that I hated or loved the subject, it didn't matter that I would probably never use the material in my life, all that mattered was that I learned something about myself and how my mind works.

Which brings me back to finals week. I see my peers husslin, busslin, and losing sleep to prepare for their finals. I compare myself to them and I realize I flat out don't give a fuck. There is no better way to explain it. It's not something I'm proud of. It's not something that brings me shame. It's just the way it is. I took three of my five finals already. Two of which where online. I failed the one I took online last night. As the results stared me in the face I was unmoved, unfazed, unaffected. I got a C on the one I took right before coming to write this post. I didn't even bother to read the damn questions. I have a test tomorrow and I already sold the book back to the bookstore so that pretty much tells you how much I plan on studying for it. The saddest part is I will probably pass all these damn classes, and that doesn't even make me feel any type of way.

So I think to myself "Are you really this fuckin mediocre? Are you just average?" To honestly answer my own questions: I'm neither mediocre or average. What I am is uninspired. What I lack is passion. So I asked myself, "What is your passion?" This question literally stopped me in my tracks as I was making my way to work. I stopped walking. I sat. I thought. And thought. I looked at the dark sky, listened to the cars that passed by, smelled the pungent odor of busy street and shrubbery, and I sat. I was late for work but it didn't matter. When I realized that I can't honestly answer the question I felt sick to my damn stomach. Just writing this and seeing it on the screen is makin me ill. I have dreams but in the hussle and bussle of life's reality I put them on my back burner, and now I need to reacquaint myself with them because they are foreign to me. Nothing I do today or tomorrow is getting me any closer to my dreams. My job definitely isn't. School isn't. My job won't and neither will school. I'm getting closer to something and it isn't my dream.