Anxicelibacy....

What a crazy ass 24 hours I've had. My mind is on another level of trickery and it had me feeling some crazy way. After an anxiety filled 24 hours I have come to the decision to be celibate for a minute. I don't exactly know how long this going to last. I don't know even my personal terms of this decision, all I know is that at THIS very moment in time I'm gonna put a lock on it. What made me do this? Read on...

Yesterday while I was gettin my locs maintained my grandma calls me talkin bout, "Kaiser said call them." I'm pissed because my grandmother is the type of person who loves asking me questions when I don't know shit. When she doesn't get the answers she goes and tells my grandfather and Daddy. They have that same complex. It's worse with my dad because he will ask and not really want to know the answer. I push it out of my mind because it was after hours and nothing could be done and on top of that I had aleady got results for my screening. As I was driving it clicked that I hadn't gotten the results for my STD screening. I shrugged that off because that's one thing I don't play about. I have to hold some negative results in my hand and see that shit in black and white before a damn thing goes down. At this point I was solid that STD's couldn't be what this dr wanted to discuss but I hadn't been there for any other reason than a physical exam and all the lab work was precautionary STD screening.

When I got home the barrage of questions that hit made my head spin. I learned that if I'm interragated I might fuck around and admit to some shit I know I didn't do. My grandmother went from interrogator to dr in 5 seconds. "Maybe your anemic, maybe you don't eat enough, take this multi - vitamin, are you pregnant. You know they only call when something is bad." I just had to say I was probably anemic and take my black ass to my room knowing damn well I didn't get my blood tested for iron levels. When my dad called yet again I coulda just cut off all communication with the outside world because this shit was getting on my nerves. I had no idea why they called and I need to change my grandmothers contact number. I'm fuckin grown and pay my own insurance so they need to call me. That's just a personal note to myself I guess.

So anyway, I was winding down and this is when my mind with ape shit crazy. It was dead silent and all I could hear was everyone telling me calls from drs only mean your dying. I don't what came over me but I became a straight up Dr. I earned my degree from the University of Google in the matter of seconds. I asked some crazy ass questions and looked up every STD and symptom from HIV to trich. By the time I was done diagnosing myself not only did I have every STD known to man, I was finna go down in history as the first carrier of about 5 more. I should've just took my black ass to sleep cuz the last time I had sex there was a condom present before and after, and the last time I had sexual activity I just got some head and rolled out. (Yeah that's too much info but you don't know me and this is my uncensored mind and experience! I just want yall to know how far out my mind is. All of this could've been avoided if I had just talked to someone and let them talk some sense into me. I have a bad habit of living , digesting, and then sharing.)

You would think I would realize how silly I was being but no, that's not my way. I morphed into the most religious person ever. I got on my knees and prayed HARD. At one point in my conversation with God I begged for chlamydia or gonorrhea because that shit had a cure. I got so desperate with prayer I told Him that if I had the monster just let me die in a regular way. I was like, "Please don't let me go out like Gia. (I know yall seen that movie) Just let me get in an accident or something so my death isn't stigmatized. I don't want to die slow and with pity. I really don't want any disease. Lord you know how careful I am and I know pre-marital sex is a sin but you know I sin everyday and you make it feel so right! Ok, ok, ok sorry God I'm off topic." I remember saying, "If I live I won't have sex til I'm married. I don't care if I'm 30! Amen." I laid in my bed for about an hour and then I thought about what I just said. I got up out my bed and hit the floor again and was like, "God, its me again. You know how our relationship is... I'm only 21 and marriage seems far away from me. I know you don't expect me to never have sex again. I know you don't expect me to wait 9 years. Imma try real hard though, in the end you know my heart. So, ummm, yeah just let me live. Amen. P.S don't strike me. Amen." Then I said a quick prayer to my mother and laid back down.

It was late. Like 12:30 and I had to get up 3 hours and drag my ass to work. I went to sleep and had a fucked up dream. It was so surreal. I was in my late 20's and I was talking to some high school kids. In my little spill I was talking about living with AIDS. It was vivid and my story was real fucked up. I woke up at 3:05 in the coldest sweat ever. I was so greatful that I woke up in my room as myself that I wasn't even mad that I didn't get no sleep and had to go to work.

I wasn't really tired but I wasn't exactly focused either. I was just waiting to be able to call Kaiser and see what the fuck they wanted. After being on hold for what seemed like forever the lady told me what they called me for. God did me a favor. I didn't have no kind of STD at all. I have some lil common infection that will go away with some pills. I learned a lot in these few lil 24 hours though, that I will never take for granted. It's crazy how my mind works. This hysteria I work myself up in is a gift and curse. Sometimes I be trippin. I dig it though because, I don't always have to play with fire to feel the effects of a burn.

And that is why until futher notice I'm on the celibate tip. You don't have to be as cautious as me. I'm pretty sure a condom will have you covered, but a fresh ass test never hurts. As always "Respect yourself, Protect yourself."