Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Wow. The other night out the clear blue I had a dream me and Guy 2 (from DreamGirl post) were having a baby. I don't know what the fuck that is supposed to mean but I'm gonna take it as a warning to stay the fuck away from him.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Reality vs Perception

I think that we all have perceptions of ourselves that is ultimately the person that we want to be. One of life's simple pleasures is becoming more like the person you dream you are. It's called evolving. In reality I think I'm at a cool place in life but I know that I want and will be so much more. The me I am in my mind isn't so damn analytical. Everything I do is such a fuckin chess game which an annoying battle that I have to fight with myself. If I could just be more daring I'd be closer to the me I want to be. I don't want to be this boring and safe person my whole life. It's time I start taking the advice I give. Fuck it. I got one life and it's mine to live.

Monday, March 22, 2010


So I'm in a situation. My friend, who I will call Guy 1, told me something crazy last week. He told me his friend, who I will call Guy 2, had a dream that we fucked. I used to work with Guy 2 and him a guy Guy 1 are not only friends but room mates. So anywho, Guy 2 is the kind of guy I wouldn't consider for anything other than a cool ass coworker. Not even sex. Not because he is ugly, he is very attractive, but because he is cocky and very loud. I'm more of a low key individual when it comes to what I do behind closed doors (or wherever the intimate act takes place). That's why I choose my sexual partners carefully because I have to trust them to do what I do. You would think I was famous and people actually cared about my personal life the way I guard that shit. Could be why people mumbled gay rumors about me at my old place of work.

Anyways after Guy 1 told me that I didn't think much of it. I just shrugged it off and went on about my life. Fast forward to a few days ago. I was at the gym talkin to Guy 1 when he told me of Guy 2's intentions to make his dream a reality. The trip part is that I wouldn't even humor Guy 2 in that way because I know it would just be some one night stand shit. Just some shit that I would do to say I did. I'll admit I seen dudes print in the break room when we used to work together. If my mind wasn't playing tricks on me then I would say dude is packin. But I already have that at my disposal so that's never gonna make me jump on. I'm not against fulfilling my curiosities about dudes on a one night adventure but the thing is I've never had such a curiosity for Guy 2. I do however have a curiosity for Guy 1. But it's a little more than a curiosity. I'm actually really feeling Guy 1.

The thing is Guy 1 has a girl. And although I don't see them making it to the summer I know that I'm not on his radar like that. We just friends and I dig that because he is a great friend to me. He may never feel me like that but on the off chance that he does I don't want the fact that I smashed his roomie to stop any potential progress. I swear that when Andre 3000 made "Prototype" he was lookin into my future. I understood that song when it came out but now I FEEL that shit. But just because Guy 1 is who he is, I can't be Guy 2's jumpoff and he can't be mine. I'm flattered tho, real talk Guy 2.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Oh, She's the Homie...

I'm getting older and I find that I'm forever a homegirl and not the girlfriend. It's a crazy annoying spot to be in. I constantly listen to dudes and their relationship problems. They are forever wanting my point of view on shit. Some a couple of the dudes I really find myself liking. Those are the ones that sting me the most. It's like they put up with so much shit and I KNOW I can be the better girlfriend. I can't scream this to the guy because that's not how I roll. I'm not God and I can't give the blind sight. Then there are the others that I probably was feeling at some time in my past but after conversation and getting to know them my mind changed.

It sucks because on the outside one would think I have it all together and that's not true. I have all the elements to make a very good girlfriend. All of my male friends tell me that I would be a great girlfriend and don't believe I have a problem getting dudes. When they say these things I ask, "If I'm so great then why am I single? And why have you let me slip away? You always say you're looking for someone like me." When I ask I get an array of responses, such as, "I never really thought you would feel me like that." Or, "I thought you might be gay." (That one really does something to my soul but I've had two different dudes say that and more than a few females come out to me). Or my personal favorite, "You are the homie!" It's like what the fuck? Just because I like sports and can crack a few jokes with the best of them I have to stay in the friend zone?

I guess I'm just venting. I'm not going to change anything I don't want to or imitate the people who have what I want just to get what I want. I'm a late bloomer and a constant work in progress. I'm slowly finding myself and growing up. At this point in my life I'm becoming a better me. I'm not where I want to be but the person I am is catching up to the person I am in my dreams and that makes me ecstatic. I don't know what the future holds for my love life. I may be single for a long ass time and while I don't wish for it, I can handle it. I'm sure there is a great guy out there who can appreciate my complex simplicities. To quote Mulan, "The prettiest flowers always bloom last."

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Another Day, Another Year

So I made it to my 22nd year. Even though I'm determined to have a good day I realize things about the people closest to me. Even my most reliable of friends ain't shit. They said birds of a feather flock together which makes me think twice about the company I keep. Shout out to my family though. I'm not the best granddaughter but my grandmother was sweeter today to me than anyone else. My grandfather came thru for me too. I adore that man. Shit, even my father exceeded my expectations. I love him thick and thin, high and low. Year 22 and I'm reminded to rely on yourself cuz in the end you all you got. Happy Birthday to me.

That was on some emo shit but it's really how I feel at THIS VERY SECOND. I still appreciate every birthday text, call, wall post, and wish everyone gave me.