Saturday, May 30, 2009
All you have to do is read May's post to see what kind of month is has been. My rant's have outnumbered my rave's. I have my moments when I am human and complain but for the most part I can't stand complaining because it is a waste of energy. I like to just be happy and enjoy what I have instead of dwelling on what I don't have. With that said please bring on June. I'm not excited about summer school but I'm excited about the unknowns that lie ahead. I'm dumb geeked about June 1st. I'm gonna bring in the month right, with hopefully nothing but good vibes.
But first thing first, I have to go say my goodbyes.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Yesterday while I was gettin my locs maintained my grandma calls me talkin bout, "Kaiser said call them." I'm pissed because my grandmother is the type of person who loves asking me questions when I don't know shit. When she doesn't get the answers she goes and tells my grandfather and Daddy. They have that same complex. It's worse with my dad because he will ask and not really want to know the answer. I push it out of my mind because it was after hours and nothing could be done and on top of that I had aleady got results for my screening. As I was driving it clicked that I hadn't gotten the results for my STD screening. I shrugged that off because that's one thing I don't play about. I have to hold some negative results in my hand and see that shit in black and white before a damn thing goes down. At this point I was solid that STD's couldn't be what this dr wanted to discuss but I hadn't been there for any other reason than a physical exam and all the lab work was precautionary STD screening.
When I got home the barrage of questions that hit made my head spin. I learned that if I'm interragated I might fuck around and admit to some shit I know I didn't do. My grandmother went from interrogator to dr in 5 seconds. "Maybe your anemic, maybe you don't eat enough, take this multi - vitamin, are you pregnant. You know they only call when something is bad." I just had to say I was probably anemic and take my black ass to my room knowing damn well I didn't get my blood tested for iron levels. When my dad called yet again I coulda just cut off all communication with the outside world because this shit was getting on my nerves. I had no idea why they called and I need to change my grandmothers contact number. I'm fuckin grown and pay my own insurance so they need to call me. That's just a personal note to myself I guess.
So anyway, I was winding down and this is when my mind with ape shit crazy. It was dead silent and all I could hear was everyone telling me calls from drs only mean your dying. I don't what came over me but I became a straight up Dr. I earned my degree from the University of Google in the matter of seconds. I asked some crazy ass questions and looked up every STD and symptom from HIV to trich. By the time I was done diagnosing myself not only did I have every STD known to man, I was finna go down in history as the first carrier of about 5 more. I should've just took my black ass to sleep cuz the last time I had sex there was a condom present before and after, and the last time I had sexual activity I just got some head and rolled out. (Yeah that's too much info but you don't know me and this is my uncensored mind and experience! I just want yall to know how far out my mind is. All of this could've been avoided if I had just talked to someone and let them talk some sense into me. I have a bad habit of living , digesting, and then sharing.)
You would think I would realize how silly I was being but no, that's not my way. I morphed into the most religious person ever. I got on my knees and prayed HARD. At one point in my conversation with God I begged for chlamydia or gonorrhea because that shit had a cure. I got so desperate with prayer I told Him that if I had the monster just let me die in a regular way. I was like, "Please don't let me go out like Gia. (I know yall seen that movie) Just let me get in an accident or something so my death isn't stigmatized. I don't want to die slow and with pity. I really don't want any disease. Lord you know how careful I am and I know pre-marital sex is a sin but you know I sin everyday and you make it feel so right! Ok, ok, ok sorry God I'm off topic." I remember saying, "If I live I won't have sex til I'm married. I don't care if I'm 30! Amen." I laid in my bed for about an hour and then I thought about what I just said. I got up out my bed and hit the floor again and was like, "God, its me again. You know how our relationship is... I'm only 21 and marriage seems far away from me. I know you don't expect me to never have sex again. I know you don't expect me to wait 9 years. Imma try real hard though, in the end you know my heart. So, ummm, yeah just let me live. Amen. P.S don't strike me. Amen." Then I said a quick prayer to my mother and laid back down.
It was late. Like 12:30 and I had to get up 3 hours and drag my ass to work. I went to sleep and had a fucked up dream. It was so surreal. I was in my late 20's and I was talking to some high school kids. In my little spill I was talking about living with AIDS. It was vivid and my story was real fucked up. I woke up at 3:05 in the coldest sweat ever. I was so greatful that I woke up in my room as myself that I wasn't even mad that I didn't get no sleep and had to go to work.
I wasn't really tired but I wasn't exactly focused either. I was just waiting to be able to call Kaiser and see what the fuck they wanted. After being on hold for what seemed like forever the lady told me what they called me for. God did me a favor. I didn't have no kind of STD at all. I have some lil common infection that will go away with some pills. I learned a lot in these few lil 24 hours though, that I will never take for granted. It's crazy how my mind works. This hysteria I work myself up in is a gift and curse. Sometimes I be trippin. I dig it though because, I don't always have to play with fire to feel the effects of a burn.
And that is why until futher notice I'm on the celibate tip. You don't have to be as cautious as me. I'm pretty sure a condom will have you covered, but a fresh ass test never hurts. As always "Respect yourself, Protect yourself."
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Today my coworker was reading the blog. Now I have known that my friend has been gone since May 13 but I was taken a back when his name showed up on this blog all the same. I guess I still can't believe he's gone. I like to think that is a big ass joke and that I can text him and expect a response in minutes. Her reading his name out loud just did something to me today. She started talking about how the people on the blog were living recklessly. I don't why but I had to check her.
She felt shittier then shit when I told her I knew one of the people she named. That I talked to him 3 hours before he was fatally shot. She looked silly as hell when I told her that he had been on his own since he was 18 years old. How he was putting himself through school and always held a job down. How I never heard him complain or use any excuse even though nobody ever game him shit. How he wouldn't even be allowed in a gang if he wanted to because of his open sexual preference. I even had to ask her how she would feel if her son, who is affiliated, was on this blog (Lord forbid) and somewhere some judgemental person was making assumptions about his whole life based on a faulty ass line? That someone, somewhere was judging the child that she made because he had an ethnic name and was shot in a place that wasn't known for being affluent, but he called home. She didn't have a damn thing to say. Really, what could she have said? I scraped the egg off her face and scrambled that shit.
All of this to say I think we all, myself included, need to check ourselves before we make such brazen assumptions. Especially when it comes to the deceased. I know that I can be judgemental and think I know everything about a person. It is a terrible flaw and one that I am really trying to correct. I really want to be a better person and being an ass and assuming shit will really stunt my growth. When I feel like assuming I will flip the script and take the time to learn and understand. Thanks Money Mike. You teach me lessons, even in the afterlife.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I think that this is the battle that I fight within myself. I hate to disappoint others but I have to stay true to myself. In the end I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I have to answer to myself. When everything is on the up and up I will share the credit with everyone in my life because they molded me. When shit turns sour I have take the blame because the final decision is up to me.
All of this to say: Whether I reach my destination or crash and burn, I can't be afraid to fly...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
When I was in 3rd grade I tested for the Gifted and Talented Education program at my school and didn't get in. I don't how far off I was but that's probably irrelevant. In my mind I was one of the smartest kids in my class. I could admit that Christopher Grogan was a certified genius though, and therefore I gave him the undisputed title of ultimate person to sit next to during a test, lol (and be easy I didn't cheat in elementry). I never forgot his name even though I was in 3rd grade and now I'm one semester away from graduating from college (Lord Willing). I even crossed paths with Christopher Grogan later in life. We worked at Target together. When I saw him I was shocked because I just knew he would be one of those kids that graduated high school early and went to school on the East Coast. While I never showed my "disappointment" (for lack of a better word), for the first time I had done to someone what was always done to me. I felt that someone didn't reach their full "potential" while totally disregarding the fact that the dream I had for them was not the dream they had for themselves.
But back to the test. Me failing the test didn't make me feel inferior because I didn't understand how matching some patterns and shapes proved my apptitude to someone, but the test did make something click. It was then I decided that no grade or test could ever dictate how smart I was or wasn't. My educational experiences that followed would soon validate my theory. There have been times were I recieved an A and didn't know shit, there were times when I recieved a D and could explain the topic as if I was the teacher. There were times when I had to work really hard just to earn a C and came out more knowledgeable than I was when I entered the class. Those classes that pushed me were the ones I valued most because they served their purpose. It didn't matter that I hated or loved the subject, it didn't matter that I would probably never use the material in my life, all that mattered was that I learned something about myself and how my mind works.
Which brings me back to finals week. I see my peers husslin, busslin, and losing sleep to prepare for their finals. I compare myself to them and I realize I flat out don't give a fuck. There is no better way to explain it. It's not something I'm proud of. It's not something that brings me shame. It's just the way it is. I took three of my five finals already. Two of which where online. I failed the one I took online last night. As the results stared me in the face I was unmoved, unfazed, unaffected. I got a C on the one I took right before coming to write this post. I didn't even bother to read the damn questions. I have a test tomorrow and I already sold the book back to the bookstore so that pretty much tells you how much I plan on studying for it. The saddest part is I will probably pass all these damn classes, and that doesn't even make me feel any type of way.
So I think to myself "Are you really this fuckin mediocre? Are you just average?" To honestly answer my own questions: I'm neither mediocre or average. What I am is uninspired. What I lack is passion. So I asked myself, "What is your passion?" This question literally stopped me in my tracks as I was making my way to work. I stopped walking. I sat. I thought. And thought. I looked at the dark sky, listened to the cars that passed by, smelled the pungent odor of busy street and shrubbery, and I sat. I was late for work but it didn't matter. When I realized that I can't honestly answer the question I felt sick to my damn stomach. Just writing this and seeing it on the screen is makin me ill. I have dreams but in the hussle and bussle of life's reality I put them on my back burner, and now I need to reacquaint myself with them because they are foreign to me. Nothing I do today or tomorrow is getting me any closer to my dreams. My job definitely isn't. School isn't. My job won't and neither will school. I'm getting closer to something and it isn't my dream.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I know you are at peace now. You struggled and persevered through more than I could probably imagine. The odds were stacked against you but in your short 20 years here on Earth you made a complete success of your life. I just knew that you would be someone I would look back on and be proud to know. You made me break my preconceptions and look at people for people. When we hung out it didn't matter that you were so many things that I didn't understand. All that mattered is that you were one of the kindest people I knew when you had every reason to be otherwise. You made me comfortable and you understood me more than anyone that was in my circle during my senior year. Our lives were on different levels after high school and we didn't hang out as much as we should've and I take most of the blame for that. You were special Money. I'm gonna miss those random text messages that you sent out the blue just to let me know you were ok, just to see if I was ok.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I've struggled in my mind a long time with this particular person. I've known him since I was 12. We've grown up together and been through more than a little bit. I sent him a text drenched in emotion because I knew it would be the last time I ever contact him. I will never forget everything he was to me and everything he taught me. After I received his text I went to the screen in the above picture. It says "Permanently delete selected contact?" I pressed yes on my touch screen. Although I delete you out of my phone, I can never delete you out of my heart. I love you. Thank you for everything.
"But the reality, honestly, you were never good for me and I was never good for you... I just remember what we used to do." -Jill Scott
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Ever since I was 16 I've been setting my table. I have a main course of a school and money dish. I have a side of the freshest gear, great friends, and a little bit of time. I had a side of time yesterday and offered it to a particular guy I'm intrigued by. He wanted to sample it and we kicked it at his house. Now my table is full, I'm not looking for anybody to add to it until I finish off this school dish. This guy always offers me dessert and wine. Things I enjoy but don't need. While I was at his house he offered me wine and I drank til I was tipsy. He constantly filled my cup and it had my head spinning. At this point I was open and ready for dessert and so was he. Only thing is he forgot to ice the cake. He promised that an uniced cake wouldn't make me sick but I'm not trying to eat for two so cooler heads prevailed. He pushed away from my table and not a minute too soon. I hate the regrets that come with over eating....
Now that I'm sober I don't regret anything that happened. The wine was great. Maybe when he gets his cake iced I can have a slice when I cook up some more time. I prolly won't tho, because uniced cake will never never be welcomed at my table. Until then I'll feast at my table till the next guest comes with dessert and wine.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The thing is losing a mother is something that one can't put in perspective unless is happens to them, and even then you can't really wrap your mind around it. The best way I can describe it is by saying after your mother dies life becomes a hollow repersentation of itself. Events that are supposed to be so fulfilling and important lose a little bit of it's luster. My mother passed when I was 12 and I am forever greatful to her for my life. She is like a personal example of Jesus. She sacrificed her life just to give me a chance. Had she not had me her life wouldn't had been so hard and she wouldn't have been so sick. She wouldn't have been in so much pain and she would have probably fulfilled her great potential. She was special but she had to drop the torch because it became to heavy. Don't worry mommy. I picked that torch up and with your strength I'm gonna reach our goals.
It's been 9 years and this day hasn't gotten any easier for me. This month is still one of my most hated and emotional ones of the year. I know I'm not the only who struggles with this because I'm not the only motherless child out in the world, let alone my family. However, I'm the only one who knows how I feel. I feel so much that I can't even really sift thru my mind's dictionary to find the words. Mother's day will never mean what it meant for me when I was able to happily give my mother the cards I made in school, participate in breakfast, and give the gifts that my grandmother and father helped me purchase. A day when these simple gestures made her feel like she could fly. A day when she was freed from the body that held her and her spirit captive. On this day, like many others I will think of you. I will remember who you were and think of what you woul've been. I will shed silent tears and brave the world strong just like you did. I love you mommy.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Now I'm not in love at the moment, I have been in love but for right now I'm cool on it. I could go into a long drawn out series of post about that one person in my life but I'll spare you and me (cuz I'm not tryna take a Minnie Ripperton type walk down memory lane).
With that said all I have is this to say on love. Its a crazy entity in life but everyone wants, if not needs it. What sucks is when feelings aren't reciprocated. I want someone to read this and realize that how you feel about one person may not be how that person feels about you. I don't believe one should ever feel stupid about loving someone because the heart feels how it feels, I will say that one should feel stupid about trying to FORCE someone to feel the same way. It just leads to... ultimately nothing. I tried to figure out what it leads to and drew a blank, which leads me to believe it leads to nothing....
Saturday, May 2, 2009
"Aye lil me, let me holla at you." Young me says, "Can't you see I'm playing basketball and this nigga is finna beat me?" I would laugh and respond, "You're so innocent. In a few years you will want nothing more than for a nigga to beat. All jokes aside, put the ball down and come walk with me, your going to win a lot of games but in a matter time you won't really care for them." Young me probably wouldn't leave the court until I made my final shot because I never left the court without making the shot for fear that it could very well be the last shot I took. Even then I knew life was just uncertain like that.
I would be like, "In five years where do you see yourself?" Without hesitation young me would say, "Playing ball for some college." I would say, "Do you see a difference between you right now and me?" After a long comparison young me would notice that older me is a just a tad thicker, my jeans are tighter than young me would wear, my nails are done, my hair isn't in the silky ponytail I thought I would never not wear, my skin is clear and my eyebrows are arched. After all of this all I would probably say is, "You look like you suck in basketball." Current me would laugh and say, "And your right. I haven't touched a ball competively in years. And contrary to your thought young one, life is pretty dope without it. Your hoop dreams would be overshadowed by an insatiable desire for independence, money, and men. Your peers will move faster than you and that's cool cuz your focused and that focus will keep you out of trouble and allow you to make your mistakes vicariously through them. Some goals will be easier to get than others but I'm sure basketball will probably be the only goal you stop trying to reach. Of course the void will remain empty because it is no coincidence that you gained a basketball after you lost mommy. No matter how hard you run, how many shots you take, how many tears you shed, your life will never be the same."
Young stubborn me would see the future right in front of me and because it wasn't what I wanted it to be I would call it a lie. She would ask, "Are you happy?" I would look her square in the eye and say, "Life isn't perfect but you wouldn't trade yours for anyone elses. Your future is bright and I dig the moves you made because it's allowing me to morph into a diamond in a street saturated with coal." I wish young me was more well rounded but she moved to her own drum so I can't knock her. Now that I'm a fresh 21 I'm still coming into my own on my own terms thankfully I still have the self - assuredness that I had then. Probably what sets me apart from my peers. They think they do what they want, while I'm not doing shit til it's exactly how I want.