I hate May's. Maybe it's a mental thing because people aren't supposed to hate whole months but me and May have a history. Maybe it's a mental thing but they are always doozy's. Today is the second to last day in the month and I want to just breeze by them but you know I can never breeze by anthing. The only thing that comes easy to me is sleep, and lately even that hasn't been the best.
All you have to do is read May's post to see what kind of month is has been. My rant's have outnumbered my rave's. I have my moments when I am human and complain but for the most part I can't stand complaining because it is a waste of energy. I like to just be happy and enjoy what I have instead of dwelling on what I don't have. With that said please bring on June. I'm not excited about summer school but I'm excited about the unknowns that lie ahead. I'm dumb geeked about June 1st. I'm gonna bring in the month right, with hopefully nothing but good vibes.
But first thing first, I have to go say my goodbyes.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Anxicelibacy....
What a crazy ass 24 hours I've had. My mind is on another level of trickery and it had me feeling some crazy way. After an anxiety filled 24 hours I have come to the decision to be celibate for a minute. I don't exactly know how long this going to last. I don't know even my personal terms of this decision, all I know is that at THIS very moment in time I'm gonna put a lock on it. What made me do this? Read on...
Yesterday while I was gettin my locs maintained my grandma calls me talkin bout, "Kaiser said call them." I'm pissed because my grandmother is the type of person who loves asking me questions when I don't know shit. When she doesn't get the answers she goes and tells my grandfather and Daddy. They have that same complex. It's worse with my dad because he will ask and not really want to know the answer. I push it out of my mind because it was after hours and nothing could be done and on top of that I had aleady got results for my screening. As I was driving it clicked that I hadn't gotten the results for my STD screening. I shrugged that off because that's one thing I don't play about. I have to hold some negative results in my hand and see that shit in black and white before a damn thing goes down. At this point I was solid that STD's couldn't be what this dr wanted to discuss but I hadn't been there for any other reason than a physical exam and all the lab work was precautionary STD screening.
When I got home the barrage of questions that hit made my head spin. I learned that if I'm interragated I might fuck around and admit to some shit I know I didn't do. My grandmother went from interrogator to dr in 5 seconds. "Maybe your anemic, maybe you don't eat enough, take this multi - vitamin, are you pregnant. You know they only call when something is bad." I just had to say I was probably anemic and take my black ass to my room knowing damn well I didn't get my blood tested for iron levels. When my dad called yet again I coulda just cut off all communication with the outside world because this shit was getting on my nerves. I had no idea why they called and I need to change my grandmothers contact number. I'm fuckin grown and pay my own insurance so they need to call me. That's just a personal note to myself I guess.
So anyway, I was winding down and this is when my mind with ape shit crazy. It was dead silent and all I could hear was everyone telling me calls from drs only mean your dying. I don't what came over me but I became a straight up Dr. I earned my degree from the University of Google in the matter of seconds. I asked some crazy ass questions and looked up every STD and symptom from HIV to trich. By the time I was done diagnosing myself not only did I have every STD known to man, I was finna go down in history as the first carrier of about 5 more. I should've just took my black ass to sleep cuz the last time I had sex there was a condom present before and after, and the last time I had sexual activity I just got some head and rolled out. (Yeah that's too much info but you don't know me and this is my uncensored mind and experience! I just want yall to know how far out my mind is. All of this could've been avoided if I had just talked to someone and let them talk some sense into me. I have a bad habit of living , digesting, and then sharing.)
You would think I would realize how silly I was being but no, that's not my way. I morphed into the most religious person ever. I got on my knees and prayed HARD. At one point in my conversation with God I begged for chlamydia or gonorrhea because that shit had a cure. I got so desperate with prayer I told Him that if I had the monster just let me die in a regular way. I was like, "Please don't let me go out like Gia. (I know yall seen that movie) Just let me get in an accident or something so my death isn't stigmatized. I don't want to die slow and with pity. I really don't want any disease. Lord you know how careful I am and I know pre-marital sex is a sin but you know I sin everyday and you make it feel so right! Ok, ok, ok sorry God I'm off topic." I remember saying, "If I live I won't have sex til I'm married. I don't care if I'm 30! Amen." I laid in my bed for about an hour and then I thought about what I just said. I got up out my bed and hit the floor again and was like, "God, its me again. You know how our relationship is... I'm only 21 and marriage seems far away from me. I know you don't expect me to never have sex again. I know you don't expect me to wait 9 years. Imma try real hard though, in the end you know my heart. So, ummm, yeah just let me live. Amen. P.S don't strike me. Amen." Then I said a quick prayer to my mother and laid back down.
It was late. Like 12:30 and I had to get up 3 hours and drag my ass to work. I went to sleep and had a fucked up dream. It was so surreal. I was in my late 20's and I was talking to some high school kids. In my little spill I was talking about living with AIDS. It was vivid and my story was real fucked up. I woke up at 3:05 in the coldest sweat ever. I was so greatful that I woke up in my room as myself that I wasn't even mad that I didn't get no sleep and had to go to work.
I wasn't really tired but I wasn't exactly focused either. I was just waiting to be able to call Kaiser and see what the fuck they wanted. After being on hold for what seemed like forever the lady told me what they called me for. God did me a favor. I didn't have no kind of STD at all. I have some lil common infection that will go away with some pills. I learned a lot in these few lil 24 hours though, that I will never take for granted. It's crazy how my mind works. This hysteria I work myself up in is a gift and curse. Sometimes I be trippin. I dig it though because, I don't always have to play with fire to feel the effects of a burn.
And that is why until futher notice I'm on the celibate tip. You don't have to be as cautious as me. I'm pretty sure a condom will have you covered, but a fresh ass test never hurts. As always "Respect yourself, Protect yourself."
Yesterday while I was gettin my locs maintained my grandma calls me talkin bout, "Kaiser said call them." I'm pissed because my grandmother is the type of person who loves asking me questions when I don't know shit. When she doesn't get the answers she goes and tells my grandfather and Daddy. They have that same complex. It's worse with my dad because he will ask and not really want to know the answer. I push it out of my mind because it was after hours and nothing could be done and on top of that I had aleady got results for my screening. As I was driving it clicked that I hadn't gotten the results for my STD screening. I shrugged that off because that's one thing I don't play about. I have to hold some negative results in my hand and see that shit in black and white before a damn thing goes down. At this point I was solid that STD's couldn't be what this dr wanted to discuss but I hadn't been there for any other reason than a physical exam and all the lab work was precautionary STD screening.
When I got home the barrage of questions that hit made my head spin. I learned that if I'm interragated I might fuck around and admit to some shit I know I didn't do. My grandmother went from interrogator to dr in 5 seconds. "Maybe your anemic, maybe you don't eat enough, take this multi - vitamin, are you pregnant. You know they only call when something is bad." I just had to say I was probably anemic and take my black ass to my room knowing damn well I didn't get my blood tested for iron levels. When my dad called yet again I coulda just cut off all communication with the outside world because this shit was getting on my nerves. I had no idea why they called and I need to change my grandmothers contact number. I'm fuckin grown and pay my own insurance so they need to call me. That's just a personal note to myself I guess.
So anyway, I was winding down and this is when my mind with ape shit crazy. It was dead silent and all I could hear was everyone telling me calls from drs only mean your dying. I don't what came over me but I became a straight up Dr. I earned my degree from the University of Google in the matter of seconds. I asked some crazy ass questions and looked up every STD and symptom from HIV to trich. By the time I was done diagnosing myself not only did I have every STD known to man, I was finna go down in history as the first carrier of about 5 more. I should've just took my black ass to sleep cuz the last time I had sex there was a condom present before and after, and the last time I had sexual activity I just got some head and rolled out. (Yeah that's too much info but you don't know me and this is my uncensored mind and experience! I just want yall to know how far out my mind is. All of this could've been avoided if I had just talked to someone and let them talk some sense into me. I have a bad habit of living , digesting, and then sharing.)
You would think I would realize how silly I was being but no, that's not my way. I morphed into the most religious person ever. I got on my knees and prayed HARD. At one point in my conversation with God I begged for chlamydia or gonorrhea because that shit had a cure. I got so desperate with prayer I told Him that if I had the monster just let me die in a regular way. I was like, "Please don't let me go out like Gia. (I know yall seen that movie) Just let me get in an accident or something so my death isn't stigmatized. I don't want to die slow and with pity. I really don't want any disease. Lord you know how careful I am and I know pre-marital sex is a sin but you know I sin everyday and you make it feel so right! Ok, ok, ok sorry God I'm off topic." I remember saying, "If I live I won't have sex til I'm married. I don't care if I'm 30! Amen." I laid in my bed for about an hour and then I thought about what I just said. I got up out my bed and hit the floor again and was like, "God, its me again. You know how our relationship is... I'm only 21 and marriage seems far away from me. I know you don't expect me to never have sex again. I know you don't expect me to wait 9 years. Imma try real hard though, in the end you know my heart. So, ummm, yeah just let me live. Amen. P.S don't strike me. Amen." Then I said a quick prayer to my mother and laid back down.
It was late. Like 12:30 and I had to get up 3 hours and drag my ass to work. I went to sleep and had a fucked up dream. It was so surreal. I was in my late 20's and I was talking to some high school kids. In my little spill I was talking about living with AIDS. It was vivid and my story was real fucked up. I woke up at 3:05 in the coldest sweat ever. I was so greatful that I woke up in my room as myself that I wasn't even mad that I didn't get no sleep and had to go to work.
I wasn't really tired but I wasn't exactly focused either. I was just waiting to be able to call Kaiser and see what the fuck they wanted. After being on hold for what seemed like forever the lady told me what they called me for. God did me a favor. I didn't have no kind of STD at all. I have some lil common infection that will go away with some pills. I learned a lot in these few lil 24 hours though, that I will never take for granted. It's crazy how my mind works. This hysteria I work myself up in is a gift and curse. Sometimes I be trippin. I dig it though because, I don't always have to play with fire to feel the effects of a burn.
And that is why until futher notice I'm on the celibate tip. You don't have to be as cautious as me. I'm pretty sure a condom will have you covered, but a fresh ass test never hurts. As always "Respect yourself, Protect yourself."
Monday, May 25, 2009
Whenever I Feel Like It...
So the "Weekly 5" has turned into a whenever I feel like changing my music type thing. As before I will give a description for the songs and whatnot but I think I will change the music when my fancy is tickled. I may change less than or more than every week. I haven't posted in a minute because my life is changing right now. I see the pro's and I see the con's but I'm just tryna let it flow. Lately I've been taking it one day at a time. I'm happy summer is here tho. It's not gonna be what I thought i would be but few things in my life turn out how I think it will. I love it all the same. Enough with the small talk, I'll make a legit post later, ON TO THE MUSIC!
Sade - Couldn't Love You More
I absolutely LOVE Sade. She's simply classic and her music makes me feel so relaxed and calm. I don't what it is but when I hear particular songs my mind just goes on a natural high. This isn't one of those songs but it I love it. When I hear songs like this it makes me want to meet the person who inspired it. It also makes me wonder if there is anyone in my future who will make me feel such a way. "I couldn't love you more, if I tried."
Mary J. Blige - You Are Everything
I'm am not a huge Mary fan. Especially of the shit releases these days. I don't get her appeal. She's one of those bitches who sings lead in the choir because she scares the conductor. If disagree leave in a comment, and I expect the comments (if anyone reads this blog) to be dirty because Mary fans are of a different cloth. I remember saying Mary couldn't sing at work and I almost got shanked. Anywho. Mary has some undeniable gems and this one of them. I really remember the video because it was beautiful. From her Indian inspired style, to the location, to them sexy ass men in that long ass boat. I was young but their sexy was not to be denied. I should just post the YouTube and call it a day. As a matter of fact I'm gonna go peep the YouTube and see if young me knew what was good in the hood.
Jazmine Sullivan - Prototype (live)
Now this tramp here! I feel some kinda way about Ms. Sullivan. I am more than pissed about her debut CD and I only have myself to blame. I heard "Need U Bad" before it became the anthem for the bitch that can't let go, and I was diggin it. When I first hear an artist I like I become a little scavenger for their music. I found ALL TYPES OF GREAT shit from Ms. Sullivan and it had my ears ready for some great shit. I had my money ready for Tuesday release of her album. Then I played the album. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. It was as the equivalent of seeing a dude with a size 12 shoe and when he shows you his pipe its more pinky finger than penis. I gave her CD to my cousin but I still rock to the unreleased shit. This was a gem.
Raheem DeVaughn - Desire
I dig the hell out of Mr. DeVaughn. Never mind the fact that he looks like a cute lil cartoon character, the man is talented. I saw one of his shows on BETJ and I need to go to one live real soon. He actually has this dude paints as he sings and his band plays and the artwork comes out really dope. This song has so much good shit going on I don't where to start. I'm a sucker for harmonies and break downs and this song starts out letting you know that something is coming with all the warm-up action. The content is simple but sick. It lets you know the power woman can hold over a man's mind.
Pete Rock & C.L Smooth - It's On You
The production on this song is simply sick. Pete Rock lost his mind with this one, but then again all the production he did was crazy. It's like these two were custom made for each other. There are like a plug and outlet. They both have a purpose but they need each other to have their purpose realized. When I listen to this song I just nod my head and imagine I'm in New York chillin on the block just taking in the scene. I can't paint my imagination but its vivid in my mind. It's a scene and feeling I've never felt in actuality because I'm not an adolescent male who lives in New York and it isn't 1993. Never been a boy, never been to New York, wasn't a teen in 1993. Just a movie that's in my mind. I get the same feeling when I listen to Jay-Z's debut album. When I listen to that CD I feel like I'm his little sister and I rode shotgun with him and got to experience his life. More on that later. Times like this I wish I could let ppl borrow my mind so they could feel what I can't convey.
Listen, enjoy, and add to your collection!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
When You ASSume
I have a coworker who is obsessed with the homicide blog that the LA Times runs. She reads it everyday. Everyday she comments and generalizes the deceased victims names that appear on the blog. I never really speak on it. Thankfully I never really know anyone on the blog. Since I don't know them I keep my comments to myself out of respect. I'm not gonna lie tho, I have a few friends that make me nervous when I don't hear from them for a few weeks. When she reads the names I pray that by the end of the report I know none of the victims and none of the murderers. I'm honest and will call, a spade a fuckin spade. If one of my affiliated friends ended up on this list I wouldn't even say shit if she offered her two cents. In society no one ever deserves to have their lives cut short at the hands of another man, but my affiliated friends live by a different set of rules. They wake up knowing that something as simple as walking on the wrong street will cost them their life and in their minds it makes sense. While I don't agree with their lifestyle these are my friends. If they die in the game I would be sad at my personal loss but that's the rules, they played the game, they lost.
Today my coworker was reading the blog. Now I have known that my friend has been gone since May 13 but I was taken a back when his name showed up on this blog all the same. I guess I still can't believe he's gone. I like to think that is a big ass joke and that I can text him and expect a response in minutes. Her reading his name out loud just did something to me today. She started talking about how the people on the blog were living recklessly. I don't why but I had to check her.
She felt shittier then shit when I told her I knew one of the people she named. That I talked to him 3 hours before he was fatally shot. She looked silly as hell when I told her that he had been on his own since he was 18 years old. How he was putting himself through school and always held a job down. How I never heard him complain or use any excuse even though nobody ever game him shit. How he wouldn't even be allowed in a gang if he wanted to because of his open sexual preference. I even had to ask her how she would feel if her son, who is affiliated, was on this blog (Lord forbid) and somewhere some judgemental person was making assumptions about his whole life based on a faulty ass line? That someone, somewhere was judging the child that she made because he had an ethnic name and was shot in a place that wasn't known for being affluent, but he called home. She didn't have a damn thing to say. Really, what could she have said? I scraped the egg off her face and scrambled that shit.
All of this to say I think we all, myself included, need to check ourselves before we make such brazen assumptions. Especially when it comes to the deceased. I know that I can be judgemental and think I know everything about a person. It is a terrible flaw and one that I am really trying to correct. I really want to be a better person and being an ass and assuming shit will really stunt my growth. When I feel like assuming I will flip the script and take the time to learn and understand. Thanks Money Mike. You teach me lessons, even in the afterlife.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/homicidereport/2009/05/the.html
Today my coworker was reading the blog. Now I have known that my friend has been gone since May 13 but I was taken a back when his name showed up on this blog all the same. I guess I still can't believe he's gone. I like to think that is a big ass joke and that I can text him and expect a response in minutes. Her reading his name out loud just did something to me today. She started talking about how the people on the blog were living recklessly. I don't why but I had to check her.
She felt shittier then shit when I told her I knew one of the people she named. That I talked to him 3 hours before he was fatally shot. She looked silly as hell when I told her that he had been on his own since he was 18 years old. How he was putting himself through school and always held a job down. How I never heard him complain or use any excuse even though nobody ever game him shit. How he wouldn't even be allowed in a gang if he wanted to because of his open sexual preference. I even had to ask her how she would feel if her son, who is affiliated, was on this blog (Lord forbid) and somewhere some judgemental person was making assumptions about his whole life based on a faulty ass line? That someone, somewhere was judging the child that she made because he had an ethnic name and was shot in a place that wasn't known for being affluent, but he called home. She didn't have a damn thing to say. Really, what could she have said? I scraped the egg off her face and scrambled that shit.
All of this to say I think we all, myself included, need to check ourselves before we make such brazen assumptions. Especially when it comes to the deceased. I know that I can be judgemental and think I know everything about a person. It is a terrible flaw and one that I am really trying to correct. I really want to be a better person and being an ass and assuming shit will really stunt my growth. When I feel like assuming I will flip the script and take the time to learn and understand. Thanks Money Mike. You teach me lessons, even in the afterlife.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/homicidereport/2009/05/the.html
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Fear Of Flying?
I think I'm relatively successful but I know that I'm scared. I'm not afraid to fall because that means at one point I was in rare air. In my mind if I did it once then I must be able to do it again. I am, however, scared of the pressure. When I am successful people always expect more when I have given my all. How do you tell someone that there is no more? How do you deal with their reaction to your revelation? Can you reach and fulfill their expectations or do you know your limit and move on?
I think that this is the battle that I fight within myself. I hate to disappoint others but I have to stay true to myself. In the end I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I have to answer to myself. When everything is on the up and up I will share the credit with everyone in my life because they molded me. When shit turns sour I have take the blame because the final decision is up to me.
All of this to say: Whether I reach my destination or crash and burn, I can't be afraid to fly...
I think that this is the battle that I fight within myself. I hate to disappoint others but I have to stay true to myself. In the end I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I have to answer to myself. When everything is on the up and up I will share the credit with everyone in my life because they molded me. When shit turns sour I have take the blame because the final decision is up to me.
All of this to say: Whether I reach my destination or crash and burn, I can't be afraid to fly...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Blow.
Yesterday I had one of those days that made me happy that I had been chosen to live my life and no1 else's. My month has been filled with ups and downs but yesterday was a peak. I was excited as soon as I got off work on Sunday. I had a great after work day so anticipation was high for Monday. I woke up a lil earlier than I had to. The only pressing issue of the day was my final. I wasn't even mad tho. It's like I was just happy to be and I went on about my morning ritual.
I went to my friends house to pick up some Billy. My friend and I talked a lil business then I was off to school to take this final. I stopped by the bookstore to sale all my books. I was bummed out when they only took one for a measly 41 bucks but it was more than I had in my pocket when I woke up so I rolled with it. I went in my test ready to just go ahead and bubble whatever but something in me told me to go ahead and give it a college try. I did and later found out I got a D and ended up with a C in the class. All in all I wasn't fazed as long as I didn't sit in the class next semester.
Timing was perfect because when I got home I got a lil rest then went to go catch up with my girls. We were STARVING like nobodies business. We took the scenic route (aka I made a mistake and got on the wrong freeway) but we ended up at BJ's. I fucked my food up and showed my chocolate pizookie with oreo creme the same treatment. I can't remember what was said but it made me laugh so hard. One of those good deep laughs that make you feel like you maxed out on crunches.
We went next door to the hookah lounge and had a goofy time. I decided to go ahead and get my own hookah for the summer nights that I enjoy in my beautiful city. My friend bought me pineapple smoke (she only did it so I won't charge her to come to the lounge at my house). Next we went to the galleria when I ran into my friends mother. We need to locate her daughter cuz we aint hung out since March. Where are you Dinkus? I bought some cute heels for Bad Bitch Saturday. I can't wait! Anywho after that went to Del Amo and went to Metropark, one of my favorite place for shirts that feature bad bitches with pistols. Which reminds me I need to get a gun license and a cute custom gun.
Afterwards we went to the hills to spark Billy up. Billy had me relaxed and calm. Great ending to a cool day except for we wasn't done. We went to Petco to get some fighter fish. My friends were still feelin Billy so I went alone. I picked a beautiful fish. He became even prettier when the cool ass cashier gave him to me for $20. Everybody meet Blow:
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Damn, It's A Hard Pill Swollow
Finals are here and the way I feel, or don't feel, about them has really opened my eyes. I've always known school was NotForTheFaintOfHeart. I got good grades and all that jazz but I know my high marks were a product of the fucked up LA school district I was in. The effort I put into school would have been rewarded with fails in a better district. I can't say for sure I would've failed though because failing doesn't come easy to me, I'm almost sure I would've put in enough effort to graduate, kind of like I'm doing in college at the moment. I can pinpoint the exact event that changed my views on education. At the time I was too young to understand but in hindsight I'm pretty sure this molded me.
When I was in 3rd grade I tested for the Gifted and Talented Education program at my school and didn't get in. I don't how far off I was but that's probably irrelevant. In my mind I was one of the smartest kids in my class. I could admit that Christopher Grogan was a certified genius though, and therefore I gave him the undisputed title of ultimate person to sit next to during a test, lol (and be easy I didn't cheat in elementry). I never forgot his name even though I was in 3rd grade and now I'm one semester away from graduating from college (Lord Willing). I even crossed paths with Christopher Grogan later in life. We worked at Target together. When I saw him I was shocked because I just knew he would be one of those kids that graduated high school early and went to school on the East Coast. While I never showed my "disappointment" (for lack of a better word), for the first time I had done to someone what was always done to me. I felt that someone didn't reach their full "potential" while totally disregarding the fact that the dream I had for them was not the dream they had for themselves.
But back to the test. Me failing the test didn't make me feel inferior because I didn't understand how matching some patterns and shapes proved my apptitude to someone, but the test did make something click. It was then I decided that no grade or test could ever dictate how smart I was or wasn't. My educational experiences that followed would soon validate my theory. There have been times were I recieved an A and didn't know shit, there were times when I recieved a D and could explain the topic as if I was the teacher. There were times when I had to work really hard just to earn a C and came out more knowledgeable than I was when I entered the class. Those classes that pushed me were the ones I valued most because they served their purpose. It didn't matter that I hated or loved the subject, it didn't matter that I would probably never use the material in my life, all that mattered was that I learned something about myself and how my mind works.
Which brings me back to finals week. I see my peers husslin, busslin, and losing sleep to prepare for their finals. I compare myself to them and I realize I flat out don't give a fuck. There is no better way to explain it. It's not something I'm proud of. It's not something that brings me shame. It's just the way it is. I took three of my five finals already. Two of which where online. I failed the one I took online last night. As the results stared me in the face I was unmoved, unfazed, unaffected. I got a C on the one I took right before coming to write this post. I didn't even bother to read the damn questions. I have a test tomorrow and I already sold the book back to the bookstore so that pretty much tells you how much I plan on studying for it. The saddest part is I will probably pass all these damn classes, and that doesn't even make me feel any type of way.
So I think to myself "Are you really this fuckin mediocre? Are you just average?" To honestly answer my own questions: I'm neither mediocre or average. What I am is uninspired. What I lack is passion. So I asked myself, "What is your passion?" This question literally stopped me in my tracks as I was making my way to work. I stopped walking. I sat. I thought. And thought. I looked at the dark sky, listened to the cars that passed by, smelled the pungent odor of busy street and shrubbery, and I sat. I was late for work but it didn't matter. When I realized that I can't honestly answer the question I felt sick to my damn stomach. Just writing this and seeing it on the screen is makin me ill. I have dreams but in the hussle and bussle of life's reality I put them on my back burner, and now I need to reacquaint myself with them because they are foreign to me. Nothing I do today or tomorrow is getting me any closer to my dreams. My job definitely isn't. School isn't. My job won't and neither will school. I'm getting closer to something and it isn't my dream.
When I was in 3rd grade I tested for the Gifted and Talented Education program at my school and didn't get in. I don't how far off I was but that's probably irrelevant. In my mind I was one of the smartest kids in my class. I could admit that Christopher Grogan was a certified genius though, and therefore I gave him the undisputed title of ultimate person to sit next to during a test, lol (and be easy I didn't cheat in elementry). I never forgot his name even though I was in 3rd grade and now I'm one semester away from graduating from college (Lord Willing). I even crossed paths with Christopher Grogan later in life. We worked at Target together. When I saw him I was shocked because I just knew he would be one of those kids that graduated high school early and went to school on the East Coast. While I never showed my "disappointment" (for lack of a better word), for the first time I had done to someone what was always done to me. I felt that someone didn't reach their full "potential" while totally disregarding the fact that the dream I had for them was not the dream they had for themselves.
But back to the test. Me failing the test didn't make me feel inferior because I didn't understand how matching some patterns and shapes proved my apptitude to someone, but the test did make something click. It was then I decided that no grade or test could ever dictate how smart I was or wasn't. My educational experiences that followed would soon validate my theory. There have been times were I recieved an A and didn't know shit, there were times when I recieved a D and could explain the topic as if I was the teacher. There were times when I had to work really hard just to earn a C and came out more knowledgeable than I was when I entered the class. Those classes that pushed me were the ones I valued most because they served their purpose. It didn't matter that I hated or loved the subject, it didn't matter that I would probably never use the material in my life, all that mattered was that I learned something about myself and how my mind works.
Which brings me back to finals week. I see my peers husslin, busslin, and losing sleep to prepare for their finals. I compare myself to them and I realize I flat out don't give a fuck. There is no better way to explain it. It's not something I'm proud of. It's not something that brings me shame. It's just the way it is. I took three of my five finals already. Two of which where online. I failed the one I took online last night. As the results stared me in the face I was unmoved, unfazed, unaffected. I got a C on the one I took right before coming to write this post. I didn't even bother to read the damn questions. I have a test tomorrow and I already sold the book back to the bookstore so that pretty much tells you how much I plan on studying for it. The saddest part is I will probably pass all these damn classes, and that doesn't even make me feel any type of way.
So I think to myself "Are you really this fuckin mediocre? Are you just average?" To honestly answer my own questions: I'm neither mediocre or average. What I am is uninspired. What I lack is passion. So I asked myself, "What is your passion?" This question literally stopped me in my tracks as I was making my way to work. I stopped walking. I sat. I thought. And thought. I looked at the dark sky, listened to the cars that passed by, smelled the pungent odor of busy street and shrubbery, and I sat. I was late for work but it didn't matter. When I realized that I can't honestly answer the question I felt sick to my damn stomach. Just writing this and seeing it on the screen is makin me ill. I have dreams but in the hussle and bussle of life's reality I put them on my back burner, and now I need to reacquaint myself with them because they are foreign to me. Nothing I do today or tomorrow is getting me any closer to my dreams. My job definitely isn't. School isn't. My job won't and neither will school. I'm getting closer to something and it isn't my dream.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Something I'm Playing With
My mind has been all over the place lately. I have been going through a lot of changes at work, finals at school, personal losses and probably a lot more (but my subconcious mind is saving me from myself). The one constant is music. Certain songs remind me of certain things and put me in certain places. I should be doing something more productive but I've been wanting to put music on this blog for a while. I have so many songs that I love and that constantly play in my mind's Zune (yeah thats right, ZUNE fuck apple and everything they sale unless its a Granny Smith ;-P) So anywho I'm gonna add a playlist of 5 songs every week. It's hard deciding which songs should go on the list. I struggle and remake the list every hour for a long time before I actually post it. I could change it everyday but thats unrealistic because I don't even blog everyday, I visit everyday but sometimes I just can't get what I'm thinking out so I do other shit like stalk other people's blogs. Anyways the purpose of the post is to explain what your listening to and why I put it there. For future reference this will be called the Weekly 5 (until I come up with a better name).
Weekly 5
Teedra Moses - Blow Me Out
I will never get tired of this song! It's my ringtone and I can't even see myself changing it. The melodies, content, and memories connected with this song make it a keeper. I could keep this on every week, which isn't right but you can expect to hear it often so get to know and love it.
Chrisette Michele - Notebook
I just bought her CD and yeah I'm diggin it. This is one of my favorite track on the album. I can just listen to this song at night with the windows down. Yeah she's a little bit too grown to be lusting after a man and not speaking up but not every woman can be so bold. I guess everyone has that crush that only their notebook knows about.
Isley Brothers - Make Me Say It Again, Girl
Classic, Classic, Classic! Nevermind the fact that I wasn't even a twinkle in my dad's eye when this song came, I still groove to this. This song just makes you wanna two step. If I was of age during the time this song came out I would've been an original groupie waiting backstage for one of them brothers. None of them are my type so I would just pick one by instrument.
Amerie- Why Don't We Fall In Love
This song is one of those that just remind me of summer. When those horns come on in the beginning I just get a smile on face and nod my head. I love it so much I want to slap Amerie because it's so short! The content is cool to. Simply put the song makes me feel good. I need that right about now.
Keith Sweat ft. Athena Cage - Butterscotch
I love Athena Cage and don't like too many Keith Sweat songs that don't feature her and Kut Klose. Any song that says, "Your qualified, let's do what freaks do" is alright by me! This song just reminds of someone even though he turned me off before I could make this his soundtrack. Oh well though, the chase was fun before we got tired.
And there it is folks, this weeks 5. Enjoy, comment, and add to your collection!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
R.I.P Michael Moore
Dear Money,
I know you are at peace now. You struggled and persevered through more than I could probably imagine. The odds were stacked against you but in your short 20 years here on Earth you made a complete success of your life. I just knew that you would be someone I would look back on and be proud to know. You made me break my preconceptions and look at people for people. When we hung out it didn't matter that you were so many things that I didn't understand. All that mattered is that you were one of the kindest people I knew when you had every reason to be otherwise. You made me comfortable and you understood me more than anyone that was in my circle during my senior year. Our lives were on different levels after high school and we didn't hang out as much as we should've and I take most of the blame for that. You were special Money. I'm gonna miss those random text messages that you sent out the blue just to let me know you were ok, just to see if I was ok.
I know you are at peace now. You struggled and persevered through more than I could probably imagine. The odds were stacked against you but in your short 20 years here on Earth you made a complete success of your life. I just knew that you would be someone I would look back on and be proud to know. You made me break my preconceptions and look at people for people. When we hung out it didn't matter that you were so many things that I didn't understand. All that mattered is that you were one of the kindest people I knew when you had every reason to be otherwise. You made me comfortable and you understood me more than anyone that was in my circle during my senior year. Our lives were on different levels after high school and we didn't hang out as much as we should've and I take most of the blame for that. You were special Money. I'm gonna miss those random text messages that you sent out the blue just to let me know you were ok, just to see if I was ok.
Like a candle in the wind, gone too soon....
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Delete This Contact?
Today I had a conversation with a friend. We got on a subject that is so damn sore for me. I didn't even want to go into detail when given an opportunity earlier on this blog. We talked for a long while and I was emotional. She asked me, "Wth? Why the circles? A new nigga is a new nigga. If you have no intentions on going back burn the map." The bold part echoed in my mind vividly even though it was only a text. This isn't the first time she gave me this advice.I've struggled in my mind a long time with this particular person. I've known him since I was 12. We've grown up together and been through more than a little bit. I sent him a text drenched in emotion because I knew it would be the last time I ever contact him. I will never forget everything he was to me and everything he taught me. After I received his text I went to the screen in the above picture. It says "Permanently delete selected contact?" I pressed yes on my touch screen. Although I delete you out of my phone, I can never delete you out of my heart. I love you. Thank you for everything.
"But the reality, honestly, you were never good for me and I was never good for you... I just remember what we used to do." -Jill Scott
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I Almost Over Ate...
*bare with me cuz this is finna be a long ass metaphor. It makes sense in my mind but sometimes it loses translation between my mind and paper, or this case screen.*
Ever since I was 16 I've been setting my table. I have a main course of a school and money dish. I have a side of the freshest gear, great friends, and a little bit of time. I had a side of time yesterday and offered it to a particular guy I'm intrigued by. He wanted to sample it and we kicked it at his house. Now my table is full, I'm not looking for anybody to add to it until I finish off this school dish. This guy always offers me dessert and wine. Things I enjoy but don't need. While I was at his house he offered me wine and I drank til I was tipsy. He constantly filled my cup and it had my head spinning. At this point I was open and ready for dessert and so was he. Only thing is he forgot to ice the cake. He promised that an uniced cake wouldn't make me sick but I'm not trying to eat for two so cooler heads prevailed. He pushed away from my table and not a minute too soon. I hate the regrets that come with over eating....
Now that I'm sober I don't regret anything that happened. The wine was great. Maybe when he gets his cake iced I can have a slice when I cook up some more time. I prolly won't tho, because uniced cake will never never be welcomed at my table. Until then I'll feast at my table till the next guest comes with dessert and wine.
Ever since I was 16 I've been setting my table. I have a main course of a school and money dish. I have a side of the freshest gear, great friends, and a little bit of time. I had a side of time yesterday and offered it to a particular guy I'm intrigued by. He wanted to sample it and we kicked it at his house. Now my table is full, I'm not looking for anybody to add to it until I finish off this school dish. This guy always offers me dessert and wine. Things I enjoy but don't need. While I was at his house he offered me wine and I drank til I was tipsy. He constantly filled my cup and it had my head spinning. At this point I was open and ready for dessert and so was he. Only thing is he forgot to ice the cake. He promised that an uniced cake wouldn't make me sick but I'm not trying to eat for two so cooler heads prevailed. He pushed away from my table and not a minute too soon. I hate the regrets that come with over eating....
Now that I'm sober I don't regret anything that happened. The wine was great. Maybe when he gets his cake iced I can have a slice when I cook up some more time. I prolly won't tho, because uniced cake will never never be welcomed at my table. Until then I'll feast at my table till the next guest comes with dessert and wine.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
So... About Sunday...
Sunday is Mother's Day. I could have easily forgot (and hurt the feelings of my loving grandmother and aunt) if it wasn't for taking a trip with one of my good friends to get her mother a gift for the day. I love my aunt and my grandmother and I'm forever greatful that they would even care enough to attempt to do the impossible: filling the void left by my mother. It's not that I'm not appreciative. I know that me forgetting the hallmark holiday would give the perception that I'm ungreatful.
The thing is losing a mother is something that one can't put in perspective unless is happens to them, and even then you can't really wrap your mind around it. The best way I can describe it is by saying after your mother dies life becomes a hollow repersentation of itself. Events that are supposed to be so fulfilling and important lose a little bit of it's luster. My mother passed when I was 12 and I am forever greatful to her for my life. She is like a personal example of Jesus. She sacrificed her life just to give me a chance. Had she not had me her life wouldn't had been so hard and she wouldn't have been so sick. She wouldn't have been in so much pain and she would have probably fulfilled her great potential. She was special but she had to drop the torch because it became to heavy. Don't worry mommy. I picked that torch up and with your strength I'm gonna reach our goals.
It's been 9 years and this day hasn't gotten any easier for me. This month is still one of my most hated and emotional ones of the year. I know I'm not the only who struggles with this because I'm not the only motherless child out in the world, let alone my family. However, I'm the only one who knows how I feel. I feel so much that I can't even really sift thru my mind's dictionary to find the words. Mother's day will never mean what it meant for me when I was able to happily give my mother the cards I made in school, participate in breakfast, and give the gifts that my grandmother and father helped me purchase. A day when these simple gestures made her feel like she could fly. A day when she was freed from the body that held her and her spirit captive. On this day, like many others I will think of you. I will remember who you were and think of what you woul've been. I will shed silent tears and brave the world strong just like you did. I love you mommy.
The thing is losing a mother is something that one can't put in perspective unless is happens to them, and even then you can't really wrap your mind around it. The best way I can describe it is by saying after your mother dies life becomes a hollow repersentation of itself. Events that are supposed to be so fulfilling and important lose a little bit of it's luster. My mother passed when I was 12 and I am forever greatful to her for my life. She is like a personal example of Jesus. She sacrificed her life just to give me a chance. Had she not had me her life wouldn't had been so hard and she wouldn't have been so sick. She wouldn't have been in so much pain and she would have probably fulfilled her great potential. She was special but she had to drop the torch because it became to heavy. Don't worry mommy. I picked that torch up and with your strength I'm gonna reach our goals.
It's been 9 years and this day hasn't gotten any easier for me. This month is still one of my most hated and emotional ones of the year. I know I'm not the only who struggles with this because I'm not the only motherless child out in the world, let alone my family. However, I'm the only one who knows how I feel. I feel so much that I can't even really sift thru my mind's dictionary to find the words. Mother's day will never mean what it meant for me when I was able to happily give my mother the cards I made in school, participate in breakfast, and give the gifts that my grandmother and father helped me purchase. A day when these simple gestures made her feel like she could fly. A day when she was freed from the body that held her and her spirit captive. On this day, like many others I will think of you. I will remember who you were and think of what you woul've been. I will shed silent tears and brave the world strong just like you did. I love you mommy.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Chronos
"If given the time you can make money, if given the money you can't buy time..."
-NotForTheFaintOfHeart
People think I'm crazy when I go off when I feel my time is being wasted. I don't know how to put in to words the importance of time to me. The concept of time is the most unique concept ever. The only thing you can spend but can't buy, use but can't replace, you can't relive it, and you can only capture it but even the capsules are insufficient because once that exact moment is gone it's gone. When I waste time or do something I don't want to do I always think of what I would've or could've been doing and I get really angry.
On with the reason I'm posting this. The other day I was hanging out with a friend of mine. There is a strange tension between he and I that we both refuse to acknowledge. I don't know why but for now it's just apart of us that we deal with. Lately we had been arguing a lot and seeing as how we are each other's "open ear" so to speak I know that the fact that we weren't right had to be corrected. We decided ditch school and hit up gameworks in the LBC. Everything was cool until my phone rung. I think it is so rude to talk on the phone while you are spending time that you set aside for someone else. (Technology really is fucking with societies people skills and I refuse to be apart of that crowd. *note to self* Maybe I'll do a post analyzing how technology brings us closer yet separates us.) So I silenced my phone, put it on silent and told him to put it in his pocket because I left my purse in the car and my jeans were to tight for my phone. His phone was ringing off the hook and he took every oppurtunity to answer it. Inside I was burning but I just let him do him. The drop that cracked my patience cup was when he decided to stop the game I was whoopin his ass in to talk on the phone for a cool 10 minutes. At this point I reached in his pockets. He thought I was grabbing his swipe but I was just grabbing my keys and phone.
I got my items and led him to the parking lot. At this point he still hadn't hung up the phone which was cool cuz I was already pissed and at this point nothing he could do would save my mood. He knew I was pissed when I wouldn't say anything to him. When I am mad I get quiet so I don't say anything that would later require an apology. I don't apologize. I mean what I say and do and I will never apologize because I never regret it. That is for a different post tho. So I dropped him off at home. I had to hug him because I was mad but if I had not hugged him and that was the last time we saw each other I would be hurt. When he got in the house I checked my phone and was more than pissed. When I saw I had a missed phone call, voicemail, and text from a guy who I had pegged to end my current drought saying that he was trying to end the drought I could've rung the doorbell and slapped the color out of my friend. Not only did he disrespect my time, when I thought about how my time could've been spent and the orgasmic memories I would've made I became livid.
Moral of the post is to make sure you spend your time wisely because when it's gone it's gone. After talking it out with my friend he now understands why was so upset. He hit my pet peeve in the worse way. I'm sure he learned his lesson, and I surely have learned mine.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Just A Thought
"Love does not guarantee reciprocation..."
-NotForTheFaintOfHeart
Sometimes I just come up with random thoughts and they just stick with me. I was driving by myself listening to Sade after smoking some of Cali's finest at school. I don't know what it was but I was really mellow and on autopilot. I went to Popeye's to get some spicy strips, rice and beans, and , mashed potatoes, mississippi mud pie and a coke. While I was waiting on my food my mind went bananas. I thought a lot of random things in between ordering and recieving my food, but the above quote stuck with me.
Now I'm not in love at the moment, I have been in love but for right now I'm cool on it. I could go into a long drawn out series of post about that one person in my life but I'll spare you and me (cuz I'm not tryna take a Minnie Ripperton type walk down memory lane).
With that said all I have is this to say on love. Its a crazy entity in life but everyone wants, if not needs it. What sucks is when feelings aren't reciprocated. I want someone to read this and realize that how you feel about one person may not be how that person feels about you. I don't believe one should ever feel stupid about loving someone because the heart feels how it feels, I will say that one should feel stupid about trying to FORCE someone to feel the same way. It just leads to... ultimately nothing. I tried to figure out what it leads to and drew a blank, which leads me to believe it leads to nothing....
**I don't want to end this post like this. It feels so incomplete. This is the kind of shit I wish I could analyze with someone else, but alas my friends would swear I was on some other shit. Especially since I'm single as a slice of cheese. That's why I blog tho. Maybe I will come back and complete this when I get some experience to test my theory. Maybe not though, I can't imagine me forcing the greatness that is my love on someone who doesn't want it. I also dont want to be on the other side having someone feel love for me and not returning the favor because that would also make my heart ache, and I refuse to act like I'm in love to spare some feelings, my life is not a movie and I wouldn't recieve an academy for such a role. So I guess this how this one will end.**
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Conversation With a Younger Me
I came across an interesting post that posed the following question: What would you warn your 13 year old self about the future? I would rather be able to just have a conversation with my 13 year old self instead of warn her about the future. I'm sure she would appreciate the convo more than warnings that she would never heed to anyways. 5 yr old self, 13 yr old self, 21 yr old self, and probably future self never really makes decisions off of warnings anyways. When I was 13 all I gave a fuck about was basketball. I'm not the person today that I thought I would be when I was 13 (Thank God). My conversation would probably go like this:
"Aye lil me, let me holla at you." Young me says, "Can't you see I'm playing basketball and this nigga is finna beat me?" I would laugh and respond, "You're so innocent. In a few years you will want nothing more than for a nigga to beat. All jokes aside, put the ball down and come walk with me, your going to win a lot of games but in a matter time you won't really care for them." Young me probably wouldn't leave the court until I made my final shot because I never left the court without making the shot for fear that it could very well be the last shot I took. Even then I knew life was just uncertain like that.
I would be like, "In five years where do you see yourself?" Without hesitation young me would say, "Playing ball for some college." I would say, "Do you see a difference between you right now and me?" After a long comparison young me would notice that older me is a just a tad thicker, my jeans are tighter than young me would wear, my nails are done, my hair isn't in the silky ponytail I thought I would never not wear, my skin is clear and my eyebrows are arched. After all of this all I would probably say is, "You look like you suck in basketball." Current me would laugh and say, "And your right. I haven't touched a ball competively in years. And contrary to your thought young one, life is pretty dope without it. Your hoop dreams would be overshadowed by an insatiable desire for independence, money, and men. Your peers will move faster than you and that's cool cuz your focused and that focus will keep you out of trouble and allow you to make your mistakes vicariously through them. Some goals will be easier to get than others but I'm sure basketball will probably be the only goal you stop trying to reach. Of course the void will remain empty because it is no coincidence that you gained a basketball after you lost mommy. No matter how hard you run, how many shots you take, how many tears you shed, your life will never be the same."
Young stubborn me would see the future right in front of me and because it wasn't what I wanted it to be I would call it a lie. She would ask, "Are you happy?" I would look her square in the eye and say, "Life isn't perfect but you wouldn't trade yours for anyone elses. Your future is bright and I dig the moves you made because it's allowing me to morph into a diamond in a street saturated with coal." I wish young me was more well rounded but she moved to her own drum so I can't knock her. Now that I'm a fresh 21 I'm still coming into my own on my own terms thankfully I still have the self - assuredness that I had then. Probably what sets me apart from my peers. They think they do what they want, while I'm not doing shit til it's exactly how I want.
"Aye lil me, let me holla at you." Young me says, "Can't you see I'm playing basketball and this nigga is finna beat me?" I would laugh and respond, "You're so innocent. In a few years you will want nothing more than for a nigga to beat. All jokes aside, put the ball down and come walk with me, your going to win a lot of games but in a matter time you won't really care for them." Young me probably wouldn't leave the court until I made my final shot because I never left the court without making the shot for fear that it could very well be the last shot I took. Even then I knew life was just uncertain like that.
I would be like, "In five years where do you see yourself?" Without hesitation young me would say, "Playing ball for some college." I would say, "Do you see a difference between you right now and me?" After a long comparison young me would notice that older me is a just a tad thicker, my jeans are tighter than young me would wear, my nails are done, my hair isn't in the silky ponytail I thought I would never not wear, my skin is clear and my eyebrows are arched. After all of this all I would probably say is, "You look like you suck in basketball." Current me would laugh and say, "And your right. I haven't touched a ball competively in years. And contrary to your thought young one, life is pretty dope without it. Your hoop dreams would be overshadowed by an insatiable desire for independence, money, and men. Your peers will move faster than you and that's cool cuz your focused and that focus will keep you out of trouble and allow you to make your mistakes vicariously through them. Some goals will be easier to get than others but I'm sure basketball will probably be the only goal you stop trying to reach. Of course the void will remain empty because it is no coincidence that you gained a basketball after you lost mommy. No matter how hard you run, how many shots you take, how many tears you shed, your life will never be the same."
Young stubborn me would see the future right in front of me and because it wasn't what I wanted it to be I would call it a lie. She would ask, "Are you happy?" I would look her square in the eye and say, "Life isn't perfect but you wouldn't trade yours for anyone elses. Your future is bright and I dig the moves you made because it's allowing me to morph into a diamond in a street saturated with coal." I wish young me was more well rounded but she moved to her own drum so I can't knock her. Now that I'm a fresh 21 I'm still coming into my own on my own terms thankfully I still have the self - assuredness that I had then. Probably what sets me apart from my peers. They think they do what they want, while I'm not doing shit til it's exactly how I want.
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