Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

Black Girl Lost

I'm sitting here frustrated like nobody's business. Why the fuck am I in school? I seriously don't know why I'm still here. I just took a final in my favorite class and got an 86 on it. I check my grade and all though I'm only missing 94 points I have a C because of the weights the teacher assigns to the assignments. This is probably going to be the best grade I get. I worked so damn hard this semester yet I'm still going to get average grades. It's not like I even go to a remotely reputable university either. I could be being overly dramatic right now but I have wasted 4 fuckin years of my life. I'm going to graduate and still probably be doing the same thing I do now. I could do this without a damn degree. I've always known that college isn't for me. I don't want to be a teacher, lawyer, or doctor. I never wanted to be anything really. I just wanted things. That is part of my problem. I have goals that don't have mapped out stepping stones. For example if I wanted to be a doctor then I would have a blueprint to follow. Go to school and get good grades. Go to medical school. Etc etc until I'm a doctor. There is no blueprint to do what I want to do. Exactly what is it that I want to do? Good fuckin question! I guess I'm basically saying "There is no blueprint for being confused about life and surviving at the same time." Until I figure it out I'm just a black girl lost.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Crushed Crush

Is this something that you doin for the moment?
Are you happy?
Do you think that she's the truth, kid?
I ain't hatin...
Ok maybe a lil bit!
I think I'm better
But you won't let me prove it
I might just loose it.
But naw...
Can't fight for what was never mine
Like Badu said I guess I'll see you next lifetime

You ever been in a one sided crush? The only thing worse is when you find out it wasn't so one sided when it's too late. I guess the lesson learned is when you feeling something you should let it be known. Take it from me.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Void

My room has been a revolving door
Of tricks that treat
After we climax on my sheets
Their numbers I delete
Only to find our actions provide no relief
I'm annoyed and need to find a way to fill the _ _ _ _

Friday, November 13, 2009


I can't really explain how I'm feeling but I'm scared. I have a lot of great things happening for me. I'm super greatful but something is missing. I can't quite put my finger on it and it is bothering me. I don't want to dwell on it too much because I'm in too good of a place right now. I'm the type of person that likes to focus on what I do have rather than question why I'm missing something. But sometimes that missing element nags at me. It grates my nerves even more when I don't know what the hell is missing. Whatever it is will come to me one day. Hopefully. Maybe.

Friday, November 6, 2009

And My Vaginal Muscles Tightened....

I'm not super religious but when God is tryna tell me something I definately do listen. I've been on this celibacy thing for longer than a lil while. It is hard and I most definately get weak. I know that the only obstacles in between me and some pipe can be easily navigated. Everytime I get ready to settle and just go get it something makes me take that second thought. The other day a coworker provided me with that second thought.

I'm gonna call him Herp. Herp is not my cup of tea by any strech of the imagination. He's about my height which is strike number one. He has the hugest teeth and I can only assume they hurt. Strike two. Until recently I couldn't put my finger on strike three. I saw him at a club once and he looked like a dork. He was wearing a short sleeve white shirt with a tie, jeans, and suspenders. Hey he thought he was fly and if he liked it then that's all that matters. That wasn't enough to make me look at this dude like he was an annoyance tho. We casually talk here and there at work and keep it cordial.

So Herp comes up to me and says, "You're a girl, lemme ask you a question?" I half heartedly listened because I was focused on this nasty as blister on his lip. He asked, "Would you hit a dude that had previously fucked your friend?" I was like, "Hell naw! Anybody who's even kissed my friend is so off limits he might as well have AIDS." He was like, "even if they wasn't together? It was just a hit and quit." I was like, "Hell no. I don't hit my friends pieces under any circumstance ever. It's not cool. Not at all. Besides I don't want my friends sloppy seconds." He was like, "How many virgins have you had sex with?" "None.", I replied. "Then you have had sombody's sloppy seconds. You might as well have your friends, at least you know them." His logic was making my stomach turn. He kept it twisting when he said, "I don't give a fuck. I've hit the homies ho's." I was like, "so you don't care that you don't have standards?" "They look good." I was, "nevermind the fact all your homies ran through them. Yall sit and compare notes? Why wait, run a train and help the next friend get the most out it. Give some tips." He thought I was humorous. In all seriousness he said, "I do have my morals. I would never hit my homies baby mamas or wives." That's when a coworker came up and blasted him. "Them morals keep your ass in the clinic. You keep the penicillin distributers busy." Herp didnt even get mad to have his status blasted. He just said, "You win some you lose some. My dick aint fell off yet, 200 plus served." STRIKE FUCKIN THREE. Did this dude just say 200 plus served as if he was McDonald's of dick? Is that's what is good in the hood?

I was disgusted to say the least. I'm sure he isn't even in the minority with his sexual standards. After talkin with him I'm convinced that the blister he had isn't just a "cold sore" this nigga prolly had herpes. That should slow anyone down. I guess he doesn't care. He's not dead and people he fuckin with don't need a test to get it in. He's on that don't ask don't tell. Herpes and HIV is losing it's stigma. People just aren't as shook by it as the where in the 80's. Fuck death. The symptom for the next STD is you won't be able to orgasm. Imagine how scary that would be... It would be called NoCum or some shit.

Anywho. Talking to him crossed my legs up even tighter. And by fate this morning I woke up to a picture message of a dude who has supposedly given 70 plus men and women HIV on purpose. I don't know how true the message is but it definately has my celibacy stance on lock. Be safe. Get tested before and often. Wrap it up and then have fun. Oh yeah. Ladies pop those pills. Babies can be just as bad as STD's if you aren't ready for the responsibilty.