If One More Person....

This is a flat the fuck out rant. Inspired by ignorance, driven by lack of desire to educate yourself. So I have locs. When I first got them my then loctician told me that this would test me and build my character. Granted I did my little research but the bottom line was I thought the style would look good on me and I was tired of the Eurocentric ideals of beauty that I was forced to try to attain when we all know that it can't be reached. I'm not of those people that is all high and mighty. I still wear acrylics, I plan on dying my shit, and I shave and all that good stuff. Hell, sometimes I see a bitch with her hair so properly laid the hell out that I have to give her propers. I'm all for what fits a person. If you look gorgeous with a short hair cut, then get at it. If you are your prettiest and most confident with a weave the go for it. It just so happens that loc's fit me best. Cool. Now it's time for me to get to the point.

I HATE DUMB ASS QUESTIONS ABOUT MY HAIR! I only give a pass to people who are not black and even that pass is limited. Here is a short list of the questions that test the fuck out of my patience. I have a loose tongue and these make me pause before answering to make sure I don't hurt no feelings.

1) When are you going to take your hair down?
You fuck face, there is no taking these down. My strands are so intertwined with each other only a comb handled by God could separate them.

2) Do you wash your hair?
*blank stare* No. I just like to let dandruff, sweat, and dust clog up my scalp.

3) What part of Jamaica are you from?
I have never been to a place that I had to cross water to get to. That's nothing to brag about because it means I'm geographically challenged but the point I'm making is I'm from L.A California. Not everybody with loc's is from Jamaica, and not every Jamaican has loc's.

4) You sale weed? No? Oh I thought because of your hair you was a rasta.
What. The. Fuck? Ok, I will admit that I have blown some of Cali's finest trees. You aren't really from L.A until u party with the aliens...but I am far from a rasta. As a matter of fact I don't think I've done anything stronger than a hookah since I got loc'd.

5) Did you feel that?
Ummmm *punches you in the throat* did you feel that shit? Of course I felt you tug my damn loc. If you aren't invited (read: my stylist or my dude) to touch my head please refrain from doing so. Not only are you invading my space but you are invading my space. I only allow a select few people to touch me. Strangers are never allowed to touch me. I know it's silly but handshakes make my skin do crazy things. It's all mental but still. So someone touching my hair drives me nuts.


I don't go around asking people with weaves silly questions like, "How did you get the hair on the weft? Or, "Does it matter what color string you sew the hair in with?" I don't ask people if their pubic hair changes color when they dye the hair on their head. You see how asinine these questions are?

Pop - Up Ads

I can't stand when people, namely dudes, try to pop back up in my life out of he clean blue. Here I am minding my own business getting my nails done. I can already tell I'm not going to like them which had me thinking about a special project I'm going to do for myself. My phone alerts me to a text. I look and it is a number with no name. I vaguely recognize the number but the style with which this person text me I put two and two together. It was a dude I was super feeling a while back. We just never matched up. He liked me our freshman year but I was soooo damn in love with my little middle school sweetheart I just kept it friendly. Then me and Mr. Not Anymore broke up after he shattered the shit out of my young heart. I remained friends with the guy from college for a long time. Saw him through many relationships and everything. We dated for a while but he told me he wasn't ready for a committed relationship. Next thing I know with in a matter of months he was engaged. That cut pretty deep but what could I do about it? Not a damn thing. Slowly I weened myself off of him. We hung out less and we talked on the phone less and less. I dated other people and eventually deleted his number from my phone. With the deletion of his number the potential I saw in him got weaker and weaker. He still pops up on my facebook page but I treat his name just like I do those damn farmland notifications...ignore them. It is no more than clutter on my page. I have interest in this new guy and I think he is wonderful even though I'm not sure what we are or could be. I responded to the text. Dry standard text. He suggested we kick it soon. I just said "you know how to find me" and deleted the thread. Next time I won't even bother with a response.

On a Lighter Note....

For every situation that doesn't go my way I have many other opportunities to look forward too. I had an interview a few days ago for a job that I want. No so much for the peso's cuz it's still not gonna afford me the life I want but more so for the change. I need constant change at work or I will be sooooo unhappy. I can't really stay one place too long. I start to get irritated rather quickly with forced repetition.

I've been beasting the gym lately. I tried this stomach belt today. I didn't too much like how I felt the sweat when I moved certain ways. I definitely didn't like the shower situation. Everyone who knows me knows that I take lengthy showers. The only way I will conserve is if they turn the shit off and I can't control it. I take my shower game VERY seriously and I didn't like the idea of showering behind a stranger. I saw a long hair stuck to the wall and I felt dirty. Not a good look but the workout started my day off RIGHT at work.

School is low key stressing me but I'm gonna sit back and sip on this "Don't Give a Fuck" flavored Iced Tea. It makes everything go down oh so smoove. I have had group projects in all but one class and relying on people sucks when I feel I have a better idea. But as long as I pass oh fuckin well. I have 5 more classes to take in then I'm shuffling on across that stage. I'm considering grad school but I doubt I'm gonna go. It hasn't been in my heart or future plans. I'm gonna take a break and then start some businesses. I want to own a little Mrs. Feilds and I have the perfect location right up the street from my apartment. That would be cool to be able to have some of the high school kids make cookies and shit. Give them they first little jobs and teach them some responsibility. Not to mention I could have all the chocolate chip walnut nibblers my heart can handle. I love those things.

I'm young, independent and healthy. I truly can't complain.

Of Goals, Wishes, and Dreams

I was in the shower aka "my think tank" and thoughts were running thru my mind like the water out of the faucet. My thoughts were all over the place. I didn't have enough on one thought to dedicate a whole post but I had some "revelations", if you want to call it that. In the end I decided to make a change or two by the time my shower was done.

Goals: I don't consider myself "goal oriented". I'm a more of a go getter than a planner. Sometimes things I want to do just plop down in my lap and I do them. Other times I have to scheme and plot until I make it happen. I just think it and do it. I think I'm a pretty good person. I never set out to be someone that a person will regret ever knowing but I have to admit some of the things I set out to do don't make me a better person. I mean I actually can't pinpoint the last thing I wanted to do that made me a better person after I did it. It's quite sad. I have this potential and I choose to do things that are empty in attainment. In the chase to gain independence, cash flow, and degree's what exactly do I gain? These are just examples. I have personal and selfish goals that I strive for. I'm gonna get. And after I conquered them I still will be the same. I'm not gonna sit here and say every goal from here on out has to make me or the world a better place but I am going to try to reach a balance. For every selfish goal I am going to make one that helps someone else.

Wishes: I was really thinking about somethings and for some reason I just really wish I could get my mother's opinion on it. I internalize a lot of things, for reasons I'm not too sure of. Maybe I just don't a lot of people or maybe I'm just stubborn and honestly don't care for opinions either way I don't too much talk about whatever it is I may be going through at the time be it good or bad. I want to talk to my mother about things to get her point of view. I don't know how much a like we were or weren't. I don't know what she did at this point in her life and what experiences or advice she could've passed on to me. Our relationship was different because of her sickness. It taught me a lot but if I had one sincere wish that I could make it would be to take 20 healthy years of my life and give them to her so I could have her at this critical time in my life. So much I want to know, ask, and share that is lost forever. She was very private and secretive so not too many people can tell me a lot about her that I didn't already know. That's my only wish tho. Bring her back in a healthy form, free from restrictions. Many things I have yet to do that I'm going to need her for and to already know I'm not gonna have her is pretty hollowing. It's been 10 years and my prospective future without her is still scary. It's scarier now than when I was 12 because I didn't understand the magnitude of her absence.

Dreams: I have dreams at night. At night I have these visions of the person I want to be. I'm getting pretty close.