Of Goals, Wishes, and Dreams

I was in the shower aka "my think tank" and thoughts were running thru my mind like the water out of the faucet. My thoughts were all over the place. I didn't have enough on one thought to dedicate a whole post but I had some "revelations", if you want to call it that. In the end I decided to make a change or two by the time my shower was done.

Goals: I don't consider myself "goal oriented". I'm a more of a go getter than a planner. Sometimes things I want to do just plop down in my lap and I do them. Other times I have to scheme and plot until I make it happen. I just think it and do it. I think I'm a pretty good person. I never set out to be someone that a person will regret ever knowing but I have to admit some of the things I set out to do don't make me a better person. I mean I actually can't pinpoint the last thing I wanted to do that made me a better person after I did it. It's quite sad. I have this potential and I choose to do things that are empty in attainment. In the chase to gain independence, cash flow, and degree's what exactly do I gain? These are just examples. I have personal and selfish goals that I strive for. I'm gonna get. And after I conquered them I still will be the same. I'm not gonna sit here and say every goal from here on out has to make me or the world a better place but I am going to try to reach a balance. For every selfish goal I am going to make one that helps someone else.

Wishes: I was really thinking about somethings and for some reason I just really wish I could get my mother's opinion on it. I internalize a lot of things, for reasons I'm not too sure of. Maybe I just don't a lot of people or maybe I'm just stubborn and honestly don't care for opinions either way I don't too much talk about whatever it is I may be going through at the time be it good or bad. I want to talk to my mother about things to get her point of view. I don't know how much a like we were or weren't. I don't know what she did at this point in her life and what experiences or advice she could've passed on to me. Our relationship was different because of her sickness. It taught me a lot but if I had one sincere wish that I could make it would be to take 20 healthy years of my life and give them to her so I could have her at this critical time in my life. So much I want to know, ask, and share that is lost forever. She was very private and secretive so not too many people can tell me a lot about her that I didn't already know. That's my only wish tho. Bring her back in a healthy form, free from restrictions. Many things I have yet to do that I'm going to need her for and to already know I'm not gonna have her is pretty hollowing. It's been 10 years and my prospective future without her is still scary. It's scarier now than when I was 12 because I didn't understand the magnitude of her absence.

Dreams: I have dreams at night. At night I have these visions of the person I want to be. I'm getting pretty close.