Damn, It's A Hard Pill Swollow

Finals are here and the way I feel, or don't feel, about them has really opened my eyes. I've always known school was NotForTheFaintOfHeart. I got good grades and all that jazz but I know my high marks were a product of the fucked up LA school district I was in. The effort I put into school would have been rewarded with fails in a better district. I can't say for sure I would've failed though because failing doesn't come easy to me, I'm almost sure I would've put in enough effort to graduate, kind of like I'm doing in college at the moment. I can pinpoint the exact event that changed my views on education. At the time I was too young to understand but in hindsight I'm pretty sure this molded me.

When I was in 3rd grade I tested for the Gifted and Talented Education program at my school and didn't get in. I don't how far off I was but that's probably irrelevant. In my mind I was one of the smartest kids in my class. I could admit that Christopher Grogan was a certified genius though, and therefore I gave him the undisputed title of ultimate person to sit next to during a test, lol (and be easy I didn't cheat in elementry). I never forgot his name even though I was in 3rd grade and now I'm one semester away from graduating from college (Lord Willing). I even crossed paths with Christopher Grogan later in life. We worked at Target together. When I saw him I was shocked because I just knew he would be one of those kids that graduated high school early and went to school on the East Coast. While I never showed my "disappointment" (for lack of a better word), for the first time I had done to someone what was always done to me. I felt that someone didn't reach their full "potential" while totally disregarding the fact that the dream I had for them was not the dream they had for themselves.

But back to the test. Me failing the test didn't make me feel inferior because I didn't understand how matching some patterns and shapes proved my apptitude to someone, but the test did make something click. It was then I decided that no grade or test could ever dictate how smart I was or wasn't. My educational experiences that followed would soon validate my theory. There have been times were I recieved an A and didn't know shit, there were times when I recieved a D and could explain the topic as if I was the teacher. There were times when I had to work really hard just to earn a C and came out more knowledgeable than I was when I entered the class. Those classes that pushed me were the ones I valued most because they served their purpose. It didn't matter that I hated or loved the subject, it didn't matter that I would probably never use the material in my life, all that mattered was that I learned something about myself and how my mind works.

Which brings me back to finals week. I see my peers husslin, busslin, and losing sleep to prepare for their finals. I compare myself to them and I realize I flat out don't give a fuck. There is no better way to explain it. It's not something I'm proud of. It's not something that brings me shame. It's just the way it is. I took three of my five finals already. Two of which where online. I failed the one I took online last night. As the results stared me in the face I was unmoved, unfazed, unaffected. I got a C on the one I took right before coming to write this post. I didn't even bother to read the damn questions. I have a test tomorrow and I already sold the book back to the bookstore so that pretty much tells you how much I plan on studying for it. The saddest part is I will probably pass all these damn classes, and that doesn't even make me feel any type of way.

So I think to myself "Are you really this fuckin mediocre? Are you just average?" To honestly answer my own questions: I'm neither mediocre or average. What I am is uninspired. What I lack is passion. So I asked myself, "What is your passion?" This question literally stopped me in my tracks as I was making my way to work. I stopped walking. I sat. I thought. And thought. I looked at the dark sky, listened to the cars that passed by, smelled the pungent odor of busy street and shrubbery, and I sat. I was late for work but it didn't matter. When I realized that I can't honestly answer the question I felt sick to my damn stomach. Just writing this and seeing it on the screen is makin me ill. I have dreams but in the hussle and bussle of life's reality I put them on my back burner, and now I need to reacquaint myself with them because they are foreign to me. Nothing I do today or tomorrow is getting me any closer to my dreams. My job definitely isn't. School isn't. My job won't and neither will school. I'm getting closer to something and it isn't my dream.