I gotta jump. I may fly. I may falter. Here goes.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm at a cross road. I want to move bottom line. I wish to just go cruise around my city in search for a vacancy. Paying my first and last and then seeing what will happen from there. Every week I get ready to do it. While I'm driving I just rationalize with myself. "Your close to saving your 10 g's. Wait til you get that promotion. Wait and see if the G band bill passes." Then the devil's advocate pops up in my head. "Just go for it. If you can make it now then if you come across extra money you will be cool. What if all the affordable spots get jumped on while you sit and come up with excuses not to make the move?" When I think about it, I have more reasons to leave than I have to stay.

For one, it was a personal goal to be independent by 22. Always has been. I had plans on being graduated from college and on my own. I figured I wouldn't have my dream job. Partly because of the economy, mostly because I don't have a dream job. I have a dream lifestyle. My vision is to be able to pay on bills and be done with school. That's it. Nothing more nothing less. I will be out of here by March but the graduation thing will have to wait unfortunately. I'm not tripping because my goals are ambitious and even if I don't reach them I'm still above average.

For two, I really think absence from my home will improve my relationship with my grandmother. It's wack right now. We say hello. Exchange a few sentences and then our doors close. I'm gonna take most of the responsibility for us being this way. It stems from my youth tho. She has always been good to me but our relationship has always been a certain way. I've always chilled in my sister's shadow. I'm sure at one point it bothered me. As I've matured I became content in that shadow. My sister left for college and to fill the void she tried to shine a little light on me. I'm used to the shadow so the light is too hot for me. I don't want it and that makes us both feel some kind of way.

For three, my sister is on her way back home. She's not happy about it. Which is understandable. I'm not happy about it and its pretty fucked up. I don't have a problem with sharing the space that I've come accustom to. My problem lies in the fact that I know I will be put in positions that will cause arguments. I know I will be asked to sacrifice things that I will not be willing to. Over the past 5 years I have grown. I don't know if my sister noticed during her visits or not but I no longer yearn for her love, approval, or affection. I used to jump through hoops for her only to be disappointed when I wasn't good enough. Those days are gone. I know at the first disagreement she will run to grandma and I will be cast in the familiar role of villain. I'm not even trying to ruin my relationship with my grandmother or hurt her feelings. But I can't be anybodies bitch up in here either.

These are my top three reasons to roll.

The only thing keeping here is comfort and the fact that I don't want to be like my sister. I can go without. I'm used to it. And only 2% of me thinks that I can be anything like my sister. I just don't think I could be that weak.

I guess it's decided. I gotta jump.