Faded Memories

I can't quite put my finger on it. Lately I've been having dreams of my mother. I can't quite call it. One was about how life would have been had she not been sick. It was rather pleasant. I had a little brother and all of that great shit. The latest one was almost too much for me to handle tho. She was trying to tell me something but she lost her voice. Her mouth was moving but I just couldn't understand her. She was frustrated and I was sad because I was helpless. When I woke up it was about 2:42 this morning and I cried. I realized I have forgotten my mothers voice. I haven't heard it in so long. I remember things she said, how she would react in certain situations, amongst other things. Facial expressions are becoming vaguer and no matter how hard I try I can't quite grasp the tone of her voice. I can't imitate it. This shit is frustrating to me.

Times like this I realize that I take so much for granted. Everyday I constantly chase the unknown. I'm always on the move. I'm always doing something even when I don't always know the cause or purpose. As I get older I realize that my mother's death has affected me more than I give it credit for. I'm sure as I grow and one day become a mother myself this void will become even more evident. Even though I've had adequate mother like figures and been adopted into some great environments it all falls short.

I love watching the mother daughter dynamic. It's such an uniquely beautiful bond. Where I work I'm afforded the oppurtunity to watch the relationships play out right in front of me in many stages. I see young girls imitate their mothers ways, I see more mature women protect their older and delicate mothers, I see new mothers embrace their infant daughters and all these situations make my soul smile. Sometimes I get the occasional "only if" thought that sneaks in my mind but I quickly shake it. If I dwell on what I didn't have instead of appreciate all that I did have I would probably be clinically depressed.

I often see young girls arguing with their mothers and it breaks me up. If only they knew the time they had left was so limited and how heavy the guilt of every disagreement would lie on their souls, they would be the ideal daughter. I know I can take my own advice when it comes to me and my grandmother because Lord knows I butt heads with her like I do no1 else in my life. Honestly I'm really going to work on that because I don't think she knows how much I really do appreciate her. Ok, back on topic. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have had moments when I was a total bitch had my mother not passed, hell I had them while she was here and I regret every single one, but I just want others to just strive to be the best child they can be while they still can be. I know 5 more minutes with my mother is asking the impossible of God, but I really need to remember her voice. I know I can't hear her but if a memory of her saying my name is the last sound I hear I wouldn't even complain.