How Are You?

So today is your 47th Birthday. It's crazy that every year I mark your birthday and I realize just how young you were. I wish I could just talk with you over a slice of cake. I would even settle for sitting in silence and just basking in your presence. These years have been a crazy distorted reality to me but lately you've been coming to me in my dreams. I cherish these subconcious thoughts even though when I awake from them my mental is usually messed up because I know that's as close as I'll get to you until I die.

On this day I think about you and try to do something in your honor. I texted Jackie today. Imagine that, right. I sent your best friend a text on my cell phone. Crazy that when you were alive neither one of us had a cell phone, and when I think about it, I didn't know too many people with a cell phone. Now I'm texting your friend on a phone I purchased all by myself. Anyways, I thanked her for you. She was always really good to you and she kept your hair tight! Remember when she cut the shag and gave you a fly dye job and cut like hers? I remember because you were a whole new woman when I saw you. You was glowin that night. I always appreciated her because she treated you as an equal. She was a true friend. I hope that if something happens to me I have friends like Jackie.

I wonder about how you are doing. I'm pretty sure your ok because in life even when you were down you weren't out. I know this crazy but sometimes I wish that all of this was really a hoax. Like, maybe, you wanted a fresh start so you faked your death. That way I could have a chance to just run into you. I wouldn't even be mad. I would just be happy for the chance. When I see people with strokes, I see you. I hear about people with lupus and I send silent prayers for strength their way. Sometimes I see women that favor you and I stare, HARD. I hear people call your name and I break my neck just to see who answers. I don't what I am expecting. I know it isn't going to be you I see. I was there when you were lowered into the ground, and although I never had the strength to look in your casket I know you were in there. Just like your spirit is invincible, so is my hope. I hope you are happy... Happy Birthday Mommy.