Chance Meeting

I had a dream last night. I was shopping in Target and I ran into my mother. I was walking down the CD aisle. It was one more CD left and me and this woman reached for it at the same time. I recognized her hand. I followed her hand up to her arm and eventually her face. When our eyes met it was like I was staring at a more progressed version of myself. The woman I was staring at is the women that I imagine my mother would have been had she not gotten sick. She was healthy. She was independent. She was alive. I don't know what came over me but I collapsed in her arms. Tears exploded from my eyes as I my arms wrapped around her tight. My snotty nose didn't stop me from inhaling her millennia perfume. She calmly kissed my forehead, pulled her shades over her teary eyes and freed herself from my grasp. I wiped my eyes and she was gone.

A part of me wishes that I could just randomly run into my mother. It wouldn't matter to me that I went the last 10 years of my life without her. I wouldn't ask questions about where she went and why she left. I would just be grateful that she was mine again. I have so many conversations that I wish I could have but never will. So many apologies because I know there were times I could have been a better daughter. Now that I'm older and understand her sacrifices better I wish I could just tell her I appreciate her. I wish she was here after I got my first job so I could have given her a better present. I can't relive the past. I just go through the present sometimes. I'm sad when I think of all of the memories that will be one sided. I want her to meet the man I will marry. I want her opinion on him. I want her to hold my future child. When I wake up in cold sweats with tears in my eyes from dreams like this, I know. I haven't dealt with this. Her funeral is a montage. I knew what death was. I knew I would never hear her voice. I knew I would never touch her again. I just never knew how much my life would change. I never knew how much she would cross my mind. I could never fathom how much I would miss her.

The Has Beens, The Wanna Bes, and the In Crowd

I recently spent a little time by myself and reflected on my life and what I want to make of it. Living life has rudely awaken me from my pleasant little dream world that I created. I used to believe that good people always got their way because the world appreciated them and everything they offered. I used to daydream about all types great futures. If my dreams came to fruition by this time in my life I would be staying in a penthouse suite on the beach with a fly ass beamer. I would be engaged by now to a picture perfect man who was gainfully employed and only had eyes for me. Thoughts like this are has beens. I don't even dream these kinds of dreams. I've let them go. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect life. I'm grown enough to know that even though life isn't fair or perfect I can still be perfectly happy.

I now have realistic goals for where I want to be in life and a plan to get there. I want to make a decent living and I want to be happy. These days I desire intangible things. I truly just want to be happy and true happiness can't be achieved through material things. I just want to find a career that I can enjoy and live comfortably with. I want to have a healthy family one day. I really don't think I'm asking for much. I just want my fork full of this American pie. This is where I wanna be.

I'm apart of this crowd. A crowd of people just trying to find their way in the world. It's a fine line between working toward your future and forgetting to live out your present. I'm caught up between living everyday like its my last while planning for my future. I really don't know which one to focus more on. After all I very well could die tomorrow (Lord forbid) and all I will have done is tried to do good while not making all of the impacts I could have made because I was worried about a future I will never get. Our I could live everyday like its my last and end up dying at 100, either way I will have nothing to show for it. I just have to find a way to get what I want. I may never figure out but I will keep living. I'm sure something great will come of it.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes my dreams get totally out of hand and I end up where I am at this moment. I have so much going on that nothing is happening. There aren't enough hours in my day and I really need to slow the fuck down and make something happen. My time is spent doing things I don't want to do and this strangles my spirit. Nobody ever told me growing up would do me like this, but with the gift of life comes the curse of struggle. Somehow you have to get through it and I'm going to manage. In life there are no do overs so I'm not going to have regrets but I do admit that I've made some mistakes. No lie, I've been humbled and I'm sure there is a reason for me having stumbled the way I have. Right now I'm dealing with it the best I can. I need help but I'm going to rely on me. I don't consider myself a prideful individual.... I have pride but I behave the way I do because I have major trust issues. I tend not to reach out to others. It's not that I don't want to seem weak, I know that I am human and I love the fact that I'm flawed. It's because I don't want to be dependent. I have a fear of everything being snatched from me. I never really dealt with losing my mother but that taught me that nothing in this world is truly mine. Literally any and everything you have right now can be gone in the matter of minutes. I appreciate everyone, every instance, and every experience in my life from a distance. The whole while I'm in that moment, I'm preparing for when the situation will change and that's not what it is anymore. I never allow myself to forget life before "this" came to be because it's how I deal when "this" is gone. I want to change. I kind of have to unless I want to die alone, but I still have some work to do with myself before I can take on the task of getting over these attachment issues.

Right now I have to begrudgingly put some of my dreams to the side and be an adult. I have to handle my business in school because it truly is my ticket out of my current situation. My job isn't the worst but I'm not going to continue to put up with all the bullshit I put up, especially since I don't ever see myself achieving the lifestyle I want here. I've probably hit my own personal ceiling and I'm closer to depression than I am to happiness. I don't consider myself to be an idiot. I see something in my life that I don't like so I have to do something about it. I know what I don't want and this is it. Knowing what I do want is where shit gets fuzzy. I know I want to be comfortable. I don't want to be filthy rich but I definitely don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I'm living that life right now and let me tell you, it ain't the shit. I want shit that you can't buy. I want things that are intangible. I want happiness. I'm not depressed but I can't say I'm content with where I am in life right now either. I've outgrown this space and now I'm ready for something different. Some soul searching is in my near future. I need clarity.

*insert WTF face here*

At this point in my life I just refuse to have lame sex. I'm just not going to settle for it. My last partner was by far the lamest I have ever had in life. He's was a cool guy even with all his hang ups, but sexually? It wasn't there. He was a stubborn guy who thought he knew all there was to know in the bedroom. I'm not even going to go into detail on his anatomy. I'm just gonna say that it was a learning experience. I could have gone whole life time without wasting time with him. I'll take responsibility for that. I didn't take the time to access the situation before taking a chance and diving right in.

Here is the light bulb that went off in my head. Men are not hard to come by. Men are not hard to get in the bed with. Men are easy, bottom line. So why should a young lady like me rush into anything? There is nothing worse to me than having unfufulling sex. I mean, after wack sex, I just don't give a fuck if I ever see you again. Quite honestly your only place in my life is to provide me that great physical release. I have to explain myself. I don't want to seem like someone who just disregard people's feelings and is evil. When it's a sex situation it's usually a mutual decision. The man doesn't want a relationship with me and vice versa. It's just a sexual curiosity and we want to explore it. It's understood that we want to push each other to our physical limits and go on and live our separate lives. Now when this is the only purpose of our knowing each other and you can't even hold up to your end of the bargain, you damn straight I'm going to be upset.

To avoid these types of situations I've learned to take heed to the warning signs. I'm not pressed for anything. If the dude is pressed then he can go on his way. I'm painfully patient for what it is that I really want. When I have my mind made up I will settle for nothing less. Sometimes I suffer for my ways but the reward is way worth it. Besides the consequences of rushed sex are far to dire for me to just say "fuck it" and go at it. Say I just take whatever is thrown at me and end up with a baby or life changing disease, for a wack lay, when all I had to do was exhibit some patience and do a little screening? So I had a new prospect. He was older and seemed to be about business. Sexually, he was immature and it only took a few conversations to realize that he wasn't what I was looking for.

He was a little scary when I mentioned certain things which let me know that I was on a level that he wasn't trying to reach. The straw that broke the camel's back was this text: "I guess I'm an Indian Giver when it comes to. Somethings...I feel I should get head off top and if I want to give u head I eventually...I guess I've been spoiled" *INSERT WTF FACE HERE* I almost called him and went off. I slowed down and tried to rationalize his thought process. I just couldn't. I just responded: "Well I hope that all works out for you. Good luck with school and what not" The old me would have deleted his number without even as much as a response to his ignorant ass text. I just let him go his way though. He's just a selfish lover. That's not his fault. He's been with women that don't demand satisfaction in their sex life and as far as I'm concerned we would never click. I just imagine him humping and sweating over me for about 3 minutes before rolling over with a full condom to go to sleep. I'm not some 15 year old virgin and this would never fly. I'm cracking up as I write this because I just can't fathom that grown men still had this mindset. I was cool with just moving on but I still get random flirty text messages from him. I don't respond anymore.

On to the Next...

Dating....Dating....Dating. I'm just reflecting on this Summer and although I don't have a solid relationship at the moment I've learned a lot about this dating thing. There are a few things I just refuse to stress and harp over because I've come to this crazy realization: THERE IS ALWAYS A NEXT. Always. I've been single for a while. I'm not going to sit here and say that it's the shit but it definitely isn't the worst situation that I could find myself in. It gets really annoying that you go through this stage of dating only for things to not work out and you feel like you wasted a shitload of time and energy. Then when you least expect it you find yourself in the same situation all over again.

As many situations as I've had that didn't go my way I always love starting over. I love when possibility makes me giddy. Every moment is highly anticipated and this new man's every move is intriguing to me. I love the torture of sculpting every text message and anticipating his response, spending time together here and there to pick up on traits, making plans for future outings, debating on when the right time is to test the sexual waters, just all in all having a good time and seeing what becomes of it.

Right now I'm at the point where I'm starting all over. Just taking things as they come and not trying to get so involved. I'm learning to do things at my own pace. I have yet to master the art of not putting all your eggs in one basket. I would love to just be able to have a different date for each night but that just isn't my reality. It's mostly because I don't have all the time in the world and I'm picky. As fate would have it I'm not always interested in the guys that are interested in me. Like a guy I don't just settle for whatever falls off of the branch after I shake it. I usually hone in on the one I'm after and take it from there. If I get to know him and all things seem like a go then I move. If he pays me no mind then I move on. I will continue to play this game until I have a mutual feeling about a man and we decide that both of us are ready and worthy of committing to each other. Only time will tell if this game has winners and losers and which team I will be on....

Keep the Change

Not all change is good and some is not worth making. Every so often life puts in a situation where I just want to give up on my personal values and just say fuck it and join the ways of the world. For brief moments in time I become the people I see getting what I want even though they aren't "righteous". When I say "righteous" I don't mean religiously virtuous, I mean they just didn't regard anyone else's feelings but their own. I'm not going to say that I'm Mother Teresa but some principles I refuse to break no matter what I can gain. I just feel like nothing is worth the compromise. All though I've been tempted to do things that others do, or things I'm already accused of, I know better. What is or isn't in my heart is or isn't for me to do? You follow?

Everyday I am faced with a decision to change or stay true to myself. I try to mimic the grimeyness that others display but I can't quite rock it like them. It's just not in me to be conniving unless I'm pushed. I can't be malicious for no reason. I have to be personally attacked but that's rare because I rarely let people get close enough to for people to make me that mad. I just stop dealing with them way before they get to that point. They just cease to exist... but that aint what this is about. Point is if I don't fit in with what's going in I just don't try anymore. I rather get what's for me by staying true. I say all of this because this is one of the main reasons I need to get a new job.

The upward mobility is cool but I feel like I have a glass ceiling that's capping my potential. I'm not the type of person that was built for this job. I don't conform easily. All of my beliefs are carefully crafted and I'm stubborn about them. I don't believe any amount of money is worth doing things just because that's how they have been done. There are people in leadership positions that see the system is failed but they are so afraid to try something new that their is no innovation. Without innovation you are bound to fail. And in my industry failure literally equals death. They just trudge a long doing the same them and treating their SOP like bibles. I'm sorry but I'm not going to dumb myself down. I'm not going to forsake common sense in the name of compliance. Supervisors tell me all the time that if I made a few changes I could be one of them. The trip is they used to be just like me. Then they got power and the rules and perspective changed for them. Not saying I knock them, but that change you can keep.

On Some Simp Shit....

I want to fall in love.

My Coke Went Flat

Today my coke went flat. Shit was great when it was bubbly but you know what happens when you leave it out too long. That's right, it goes flat. I called this Coke because he was my first choice. Sure we have our Pepsi, which is a serviceable alternative. Then we have our Root Beer which you wouldn't drink for the world. Currently I've been an exclusive Coke drinker. Now I'm back to water. I'm not fuckin with Pepsi cuz that doesn't get me any closer to what I desire. I usually mask my feelings behind metaphors. It expresses what I want to say while keeping my feelings private. Part of me wants to rant about how fucked up I feel but pride won't let me. I will say this, the Coke went flat and gave me the hiccups but I hope he quenches the next girls thirst.

Work Relationships

You ever feel like you know more than you ever desired to know about your coworkers outside life? People get too damn comfortable for me these days. There is no way I should know that you only give your dude head on "special occasions" (yes I'm judging you). There is no way I should know that you are a grown ass man with a 10 year old child that still lives with your father. I don't even talk to my best friend about this type of shit so I surely don't want to hear it from you. If you want to hear yourself talk then by all means I will pretend to listen.

Here is where I have the problem. There comes a point in these conversations where I am awakened out of my thoughts by a coworker staring in my mouth waiting for me to say something. At some point I realize that they are waiting for me to go ahead and put my business in the air. I just look at them with a blank look on my face. It's that I have the most exciting life in the world, I just don't want them to know what I do. I'm just here to get my check and roll bounce. I don't give two fucks about you after I clock out. It's crazy to me that when you think about it, work forces us to coexist with people that we would never be in the same room with them if it wasn't for our need for this check. Let's not forget this.

...And Life Will Find A Way to Humble You

When it comes to moving on, I usually get my way. Before a few months ago, every job I've applied for was mine. I don't know why, but getting jobs has always been rather easy for me. Now things are different. Now things are difficult. Now things are frustrating. Now, the shit is real. (I'm aware that shit can get realer tho) I do not like my current employment. My feelings are not secret and can't be minced. Besides my check there is only one other positive that I can think of right now. I'm desperately searching for a way out. Not up the ladder but completely off it. This job has great upwards mobility but I just can't see myself doing this until I retire. I want something different. I've been applying for all types of shit. Some of it I don't even know what the job requires but if it pays enough for me to continue my current lifestyle I'm applying.

Now it seems like I'm grasping at straws. I KNOW I'm supposed to be learning a lesson from these current failures. I'm not always sure what these lessons are but I don't mind the failures as long as I'm learning. As I look at myself I see where I need to be improved. I needed to be humbled. There is a fine line between confidence and cockiness. I was to the left of cocky. I know I can do any job out there. The cockiness came when I felt I didn't have to prove it. I know I can be more appreciative. I have a problem with authority. I know I'm smarter than most of my "superiors". When people can't answer my simplest of questions I lose respect, and just like spoken words can't be undone, lost respect can't be found. The difference between them and I is they played the game and got to level 3. I'm still at level 2.

So personally, I'm doing pretty good but I'm far from satisfied. I can't act like everything is everything when clearly it isn't. I do however need to take a minute to evaluate my faults and fix them. I may feel like the world is against me, but it isn't. There are just some lessons I need to learn. I need to find my goals and go get them. Right now I'm just a black girl lost. There is a branch swaying in the wind and every time I come close to grasping it...the wind changes direction. So as I push through this change of scenery with another door closed I keep telling myself, "What is deterred is not denied." Just when I was about to play the woe is me card my friend told me, "Night is darkest right before dawn." Shit like that is why I have so much love, respect, and appreciation for this dude. But that's for another post....actually I could make a whole 'nother blog for that nigga....

What Are You Afraid Of?....

I need to really check myself sometimes. I've been really patient. I've found something within my reach that I've been waiting for, for all my adult life. It's this dude that I start to like more and more with each moment we spend together, yet I find myself scared. It's really immature of me because I'm blogging these feelings when I could and should be telling him. I should be telling him that when I'm listening to him talk I just want to kiss him. I should be telling him that he changed my views of caking. I should be showing him the person I claim to be. It's hard to go against your human nature. I'm guarded because I'm so sensitive. Now it's time tho. I just gotta close my eyes and bite the bullet. What am I afraid of....

Difficult

Met this dude named Difficult
They say he's hard to get
When you got it figured out
He goes a different route
They pucker up and dumb it down
Just to get his attention
They do more for him than I'm willing to mention
I got my chance
I thought it over and got it done
This dude is easy
Fuck this nigga
The battle's won


After I conquered him, he tried to diss my confidence
"You got me good, wait til you meet Impossible
I look up to him
He taught me everything I know"
I had to laugh at the audacity of this nigga
Thinkin he can shake me cuz he claim his fam is bigger
Little does he know I'm wreckless, I don't just give respect
I just looked at him, rolled my eyes and said "next"...

May

It sucks. I hope that when I have a child it is born in May so that I have something to make the month not suck so bad. See you in June.... That is all.

If One More Person....

This is a flat the fuck out rant. Inspired by ignorance, driven by lack of desire to educate yourself. So I have locs. When I first got them my then loctician told me that this would test me and build my character. Granted I did my little research but the bottom line was I thought the style would look good on me and I was tired of the Eurocentric ideals of beauty that I was forced to try to attain when we all know that it can't be reached. I'm not of those people that is all high and mighty. I still wear acrylics, I plan on dying my shit, and I shave and all that good stuff. Hell, sometimes I see a bitch with her hair so properly laid the hell out that I have to give her propers. I'm all for what fits a person. If you look gorgeous with a short hair cut, then get at it. If you are your prettiest and most confident with a weave the go for it. It just so happens that loc's fit me best. Cool. Now it's time for me to get to the point.

I HATE DUMB ASS QUESTIONS ABOUT MY HAIR! I only give a pass to people who are not black and even that pass is limited. Here is a short list of the questions that test the fuck out of my patience. I have a loose tongue and these make me pause before answering to make sure I don't hurt no feelings.

1) When are you going to take your hair down?
You fuck face, there is no taking these down. My strands are so intertwined with each other only a comb handled by God could separate them.

2) Do you wash your hair?
*blank stare* No. I just like to let dandruff, sweat, and dust clog up my scalp.

3) What part of Jamaica are you from?
I have never been to a place that I had to cross water to get to. That's nothing to brag about because it means I'm geographically challenged but the point I'm making is I'm from L.A California. Not everybody with loc's is from Jamaica, and not every Jamaican has loc's.

4) You sale weed? No? Oh I thought because of your hair you was a rasta.
What. The. Fuck? Ok, I will admit that I have blown some of Cali's finest trees. You aren't really from L.A until u party with the aliens...but I am far from a rasta. As a matter of fact I don't think I've done anything stronger than a hookah since I got loc'd.

5) Did you feel that?
Ummmm *punches you in the throat* did you feel that shit? Of course I felt you tug my damn loc. If you aren't invited (read: my stylist or my dude) to touch my head please refrain from doing so. Not only are you invading my space but you are invading my space. I only allow a select few people to touch me. Strangers are never allowed to touch me. I know it's silly but handshakes make my skin do crazy things. It's all mental but still. So someone touching my hair drives me nuts.


I don't go around asking people with weaves silly questions like, "How did you get the hair on the weft? Or, "Does it matter what color string you sew the hair in with?" I don't ask people if their pubic hair changes color when they dye the hair on their head. You see how asinine these questions are?

Pop - Up Ads

I can't stand when people, namely dudes, try to pop back up in my life out of he clean blue. Here I am minding my own business getting my nails done. I can already tell I'm not going to like them which had me thinking about a special project I'm going to do for myself. My phone alerts me to a text. I look and it is a number with no name. I vaguely recognize the number but the style with which this person text me I put two and two together. It was a dude I was super feeling a while back. We just never matched up. He liked me our freshman year but I was soooo damn in love with my little middle school sweetheart I just kept it friendly. Then me and Mr. Not Anymore broke up after he shattered the shit out of my young heart. I remained friends with the guy from college for a long time. Saw him through many relationships and everything. We dated for a while but he told me he wasn't ready for a committed relationship. Next thing I know with in a matter of months he was engaged. That cut pretty deep but what could I do about it? Not a damn thing. Slowly I weened myself off of him. We hung out less and we talked on the phone less and less. I dated other people and eventually deleted his number from my phone. With the deletion of his number the potential I saw in him got weaker and weaker. He still pops up on my facebook page but I treat his name just like I do those damn farmland notifications...ignore them. It is no more than clutter on my page. I have interest in this new guy and I think he is wonderful even though I'm not sure what we are or could be. I responded to the text. Dry standard text. He suggested we kick it soon. I just said "you know how to find me" and deleted the thread. Next time I won't even bother with a response.

On a Lighter Note....

For every situation that doesn't go my way I have many other opportunities to look forward too. I had an interview a few days ago for a job that I want. No so much for the peso's cuz it's still not gonna afford me the life I want but more so for the change. I need constant change at work or I will be sooooo unhappy. I can't really stay one place too long. I start to get irritated rather quickly with forced repetition.

I've been beasting the gym lately. I tried this stomach belt today. I didn't too much like how I felt the sweat when I moved certain ways. I definitely didn't like the shower situation. Everyone who knows me knows that I take lengthy showers. The only way I will conserve is if they turn the shit off and I can't control it. I take my shower game VERY seriously and I didn't like the idea of showering behind a stranger. I saw a long hair stuck to the wall and I felt dirty. Not a good look but the workout started my day off RIGHT at work.

School is low key stressing me but I'm gonna sit back and sip on this "Don't Give a Fuck" flavored Iced Tea. It makes everything go down oh so smoove. I have had group projects in all but one class and relying on people sucks when I feel I have a better idea. But as long as I pass oh fuckin well. I have 5 more classes to take in then I'm shuffling on across that stage. I'm considering grad school but I doubt I'm gonna go. It hasn't been in my heart or future plans. I'm gonna take a break and then start some businesses. I want to own a little Mrs. Feilds and I have the perfect location right up the street from my apartment. That would be cool to be able to have some of the high school kids make cookies and shit. Give them they first little jobs and teach them some responsibility. Not to mention I could have all the chocolate chip walnut nibblers my heart can handle. I love those things.

I'm young, independent and healthy. I truly can't complain.

Of Goals, Wishes, and Dreams

I was in the shower aka "my think tank" and thoughts were running thru my mind like the water out of the faucet. My thoughts were all over the place. I didn't have enough on one thought to dedicate a whole post but I had some "revelations", if you want to call it that. In the end I decided to make a change or two by the time my shower was done.

Goals: I don't consider myself "goal oriented". I'm a more of a go getter than a planner. Sometimes things I want to do just plop down in my lap and I do them. Other times I have to scheme and plot until I make it happen. I just think it and do it. I think I'm a pretty good person. I never set out to be someone that a person will regret ever knowing but I have to admit some of the things I set out to do don't make me a better person. I mean I actually can't pinpoint the last thing I wanted to do that made me a better person after I did it. It's quite sad. I have this potential and I choose to do things that are empty in attainment. In the chase to gain independence, cash flow, and degree's what exactly do I gain? These are just examples. I have personal and selfish goals that I strive for. I'm gonna get. And after I conquered them I still will be the same. I'm not gonna sit here and say every goal from here on out has to make me or the world a better place but I am going to try to reach a balance. For every selfish goal I am going to make one that helps someone else.

Wishes: I was really thinking about somethings and for some reason I just really wish I could get my mother's opinion on it. I internalize a lot of things, for reasons I'm not too sure of. Maybe I just don't a lot of people or maybe I'm just stubborn and honestly don't care for opinions either way I don't too much talk about whatever it is I may be going through at the time be it good or bad. I want to talk to my mother about things to get her point of view. I don't know how much a like we were or weren't. I don't know what she did at this point in her life and what experiences or advice she could've passed on to me. Our relationship was different because of her sickness. It taught me a lot but if I had one sincere wish that I could make it would be to take 20 healthy years of my life and give them to her so I could have her at this critical time in my life. So much I want to know, ask, and share that is lost forever. She was very private and secretive so not too many people can tell me a lot about her that I didn't already know. That's my only wish tho. Bring her back in a healthy form, free from restrictions. Many things I have yet to do that I'm going to need her for and to already know I'm not gonna have her is pretty hollowing. It's been 10 years and my prospective future without her is still scary. It's scarier now than when I was 12 because I didn't understand the magnitude of her absence.

Dreams: I have dreams at night. At night I have these visions of the person I want to be. I'm getting pretty close.

DreamBoy

Wow. The other night out the clear blue I had a dream me and Guy 2 (from DreamGirl post) were having a baby. I don't know what the fuck that is supposed to mean but I'm gonna take it as a warning to stay the fuck away from him.

Reality vs Perception

I think that we all have perceptions of ourselves that is ultimately the person that we want to be. One of life's simple pleasures is becoming more like the person you dream you are. It's called evolving. In reality I think I'm at a cool place in life but I know that I want and will be so much more. The me I am in my mind isn't so damn analytical. Everything I do is such a fuckin chess game which an annoying battle that I have to fight with myself. If I could just be more daring I'd be closer to the me I want to be. I don't want to be this boring and safe person my whole life. It's time I start taking the advice I give. Fuck it. I got one life and it's mine to live.

Dreamgirl

So I'm in a situation. My friend, who I will call Guy 1, told me something crazy last week. He told me his friend, who I will call Guy 2, had a dream that we fucked. I used to work with Guy 2 and him a guy Guy 1 are not only friends but room mates. So anywho, Guy 2 is the kind of guy I wouldn't consider for anything other than a cool ass coworker. Not even sex. Not because he is ugly, he is very attractive, but because he is cocky and very loud. I'm more of a low key individual when it comes to what I do behind closed doors (or wherever the intimate act takes place). That's why I choose my sexual partners carefully because I have to trust them to do what I do. You would think I was famous and people actually cared about my personal life the way I guard that shit. Could be why people mumbled gay rumors about me at my old place of work.

Anyways after Guy 1 told me that I didn't think much of it. I just shrugged it off and went on about my life. Fast forward to a few days ago. I was at the gym talkin to Guy 1 when he told me of Guy 2's intentions to make his dream a reality. The trip part is that I wouldn't even humor Guy 2 in that way because I know it would just be some one night stand shit. Just some shit that I would do to say I did. I'll admit I seen dudes print in the break room when we used to work together. If my mind wasn't playing tricks on me then I would say dude is packin. But I already have that at my disposal so that's never gonna make me jump on. I'm not against fulfilling my curiosities about dudes on a one night adventure but the thing is I've never had such a curiosity for Guy 2. I do however have a curiosity for Guy 1. But it's a little more than a curiosity. I'm actually really feeling Guy 1.

The thing is Guy 1 has a girl. And although I don't see them making it to the summer I know that I'm not on his radar like that. We just friends and I dig that because he is a great friend to me. He may never feel me like that but on the off chance that he does I don't want the fact that I smashed his roomie to stop any potential progress. I swear that when Andre 3000 made "Prototype" he was lookin into my future. I understood that song when it came out but now I FEEL that shit. But just because Guy 1 is who he is, I can't be Guy 2's jumpoff and he can't be mine. I'm flattered tho, real talk Guy 2.

Oh, She's the Homie...

I'm getting older and I find that I'm forever a homegirl and not the girlfriend. It's a crazy annoying spot to be in. I constantly listen to dudes and their relationship problems. They are forever wanting my point of view on shit. Some a couple of the dudes I really find myself liking. Those are the ones that sting me the most. It's like they put up with so much shit and I KNOW I can be the better girlfriend. I can't scream this to the guy because that's not how I roll. I'm not God and I can't give the blind sight. Then there are the others that I probably was feeling at some time in my past but after conversation and getting to know them my mind changed.

It sucks because on the outside one would think I have it all together and that's not true. I have all the elements to make a very good girlfriend. All of my male friends tell me that I would be a great girlfriend and don't believe I have a problem getting dudes. When they say these things I ask, "If I'm so great then why am I single? And why have you let me slip away? You always say you're looking for someone like me." When I ask I get an array of responses, such as, "I never really thought you would feel me like that." Or, "I thought you might be gay." (That one really does something to my soul but I've had two different dudes say that and more than a few females come out to me). Or my personal favorite, "You are the homie!" It's like what the fuck? Just because I like sports and can crack a few jokes with the best of them I have to stay in the friend zone?

I guess I'm just venting. I'm not going to change anything I don't want to or imitate the people who have what I want just to get what I want. I'm a late bloomer and a constant work in progress. I'm slowly finding myself and growing up. At this point in my life I'm becoming a better me. I'm not where I want to be but the person I am is catching up to the person I am in my dreams and that makes me ecstatic. I don't know what the future holds for my love life. I may be single for a long ass time and while I don't wish for it, I can handle it. I'm sure there is a great guy out there who can appreciate my complex simplicities. To quote Mulan, "The prettiest flowers always bloom last."

Another Day, Another Year

So I made it to my 22nd year. Even though I'm determined to have a good day I realize things about the people closest to me. Even my most reliable of friends ain't shit. They said birds of a feather flock together which makes me think twice about the company I keep. Shout out to my family though. I'm not the best granddaughter but my grandmother was sweeter today to me than anyone else. My grandfather came thru for me too. I adore that man. Shit, even my father exceeded my expectations. I love him thick and thin, high and low. Year 22 and I'm reminded to rely on yourself cuz in the end you all you got. Happy Birthday to me.

That was on some emo shit but it's really how I feel at THIS VERY SECOND. I still appreciate every birthday text, call, wall post, and wish everyone gave me.

Lately

Lately I've been checkin my blog just to get updates from the blogs I follow. I know that's bad but I don't think anyone is checking for me like I'm checking for them. I'll be back in a few...


On a quick side note: I said I would nvr date a dude I work with but I think someone is changing my mind. He says all the right shit AND his actions be adding up. Flaws and all I dig his ass. I think he thinks I'm just a cool ass that chick and that sucks cuz I know I'm what he's lookin for. He's just missing the trees to see the forest (or however that saying goes). So if you reading this and you feel me, just let me know and we can keep it on the low until we get out the terminal. If not just don't change...

Meet Mina...

*So this was supposed to be a quick short story but once I started flowing it evolved into something more. So I will post this in parts. Here is part 1*



I met this young woman while I was taking a break from filming. I was patronizing a local liquor store when I saw her make a drug deal. She couldn’t have been older than 16. I saw her pull a vial of crack, a red top, out of her poorly counterfeited Gucci purse. The addict tried to short the girl 2 dollars and she punched him right in the face and he pulled the crumpled up bills and gave them to her. “Don’t try that shit again, Lou!” she yelled. I wasn’t the only one in that store. I was, however, the only one disturbed. How is it that a young girl could openly sell hard narcotics to an elder at 11:15 on a Tuesday morning and no one thinks anything of it? She saw somebody she knew and hustled out of the store to catch up. Absent mindedly I ran after her, ignoring the store owner who wanted the money for the orange soda I had in my hand. It’s laughable now that I think of it. He let the little girl slang crack but was going to hound me for 80 fuckin cents.

I got up to her while she was with a group of older dudes. “Hey…. Hey…. Why aren’t you in school?” A big dude, who later I got to know as Ace, stepped up to me. “Yo, Mina who the fuck is this bitch?...” I felt disrespected but I was out of bounds. I would take being called a bitch and keeping my life over a brutal beating that was sure to be handed to me if I fought for my honor. You have to pick your battles, and I knew Ace would win every battle and eventually any war that we had. Mina looked at me and was like, “Some broad who been snooping around the hood lately. She always got some damn camera in her hand and these niggas is just crawling over themselves to be in front of it with they dumb ass. Up here acting like she in some 3rd world country doin films for national geographic or some shit.” I had been to 3rd world countries and little did she know, they had more in common than she could ever imagine. I dare not say that though. Mina was interesting to me. I wanted to get to know more about her. For some reason I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy task. She has a story and I wanted to hear it. “Can I interview you?” She laughed hard as hell. “Yo, Ace this bitch wants to interview me.” She turned her attention back to me, “Look. The last time I was interviewed was by a D.A. Needless to say I’m not fond of interviews. So you can take your camera and whatever story you’re trynna expose and go back to whatever ritzy neighborhood you hail from. Unless you giving my people money or jobs then please be on your way.” I knew this girl was bright. I just didn’t know how she ended up here. She was walking away but my curiosity wouldn’t allow me to just let her slip. As a documentarian by nature I am nosey. I also have a 6th sense about people who are put in my life to open my eyes. Mina was one of those people. “Look, no camera. Just me, you, and lunch.” She laughed. She seemed to think I was a comedian. “Bitch I’m not gay.” Now I was starting to become frustrated. “You ignorant cunt…” As soon as the words escaped my mouth I wished I could catch up to them and swallow them, but they were already in the atmosphere. The next thing I know Mina’s fist, adorned with two gold rings was buried in my cheek. She stared at me as I stumbled to catch my footing. When I got enough balance I lunged at her throat. One of her friends was going to attack me but Ace held her back. I got a few licks in before Mina shut my whole situation down. She grabbed me by the throat and pushed me up against the wall just like a man would. She drew back to hit me but something stopped her. She knew I wasn’t from here. She knew that I had no idea of how the streets worked and she pitied me for my ignorance. She let me go. She picked up her bag and I could hear her friends giving her a hard time for not finishing me off. I heard her say, “That’s the difference between you and me. I’m not breaking a sweat over no bitch.” I knew she was just putting up a front for her friends. Her eyes exposed her to me. I had to know the person behind her legend. I had to know Mina.

Hey Everyone

I'm so sorry. I never wanted to become "that blogger" who got you hooked and then went away forever. I'm not the most popular but I appreciate all of the people who check my blog whether they choose to "follow" or not. So I've started school and I'm getting into the swing of being on my own. I decided not to make a school post because I always have these high ass hopes of getting straight A's only to not recieve any. So school is school and I'm going 'til I'm done. As for living on my own. I must admit that it is a lifestyle change(thanks, captain obvious). I don't just go out without thinking about if my bills are paid. For the first time in my life I've had to stay home because I flat out don't have the funds. It's crazy because everytime I say I'm gonna spend my whole check on me some shit comes up. Be it a crib for my niece that's takin her sweet ass time to arrive. My little cousin's birthday coming up. I was happy not to have a Valentine this year cuz I could spend my cash on me but her birthday is 2 days after and she's gettin older. I remember giving her and her little sister a $20 bill would be good enough. Now the girl wants a sidekick 09. I didn't make no promises but she's a good kid and I want her to get what she wants so I'm gonna hussle and make that happen for her. I'm not sad about it tho. Money comes back as soon as goes. That's the perk of having a stable ass job. You gonna get paid every other Saturday come rain or shine. For that I am greatful. Can't say I love my job but I love what it does for me.

So anywho, I'm at home sick and I finally have the time to work on a personal little side project. It's a short story. In my mind it's the shit but by the time I finish it might not be what I thought it was. No matter what I'm gonna share it. I might get bored enough and make a short movie but I don't have the proper technology or patienece for all of that. One can dream though. Anywho later today or early tomorrow I'm gonna post it. If you read it please comment. I want to know if I get my point across, if it's whack, if its unoriginal, if its brilliant.... I just want a little feedback on this one.

Gender Is Becoming Extinct

Today I saw a young man of slight stature with a pressed bun in his head and a turquoise and pink shirt. I got lost in a thought. In my mind I asked, "Why do girls want to be men so bad?" I mean, sure I've wondered what it would be like to be a man for a day. I had my tomboy phase where I wanted to kick it with the boys and play basketball but I still did girly things. As I grew into a young woman kicking it with the fellas bit me hard. After we all hit puberty I grew found of their beauty and wanted to be more than friends but they all saw me as their lil sister or "the homie". I didn't start gettin action til I moved on from school, but that's not the topic of this damn post. Back to the regularly scheduled programming.

Anywho I must of blanked out because the dude was like, "Hey Ma." My whole mind was rocked. Here stood before me a boy. Who looked like a girl, that was trying to be a boy. In essence he looked like a stud. And he was tryna holla! At this point I wasn't sure of anything in this world. I don't know whether this dude is feminine, or if females are becoming too masculine. I snapped out of it to not be rude and say "Hi" even though I just wanted to walk away. He continued to talk to me eventually asking for my number. I took his instead, later deleting it after he walked away.

I say all of that to wonder aloud: Why aren't men manly anymore? Now that I think of it gender is becoming extinct. Men I encounter have a lot of feminine traits. I might attribute this to lack of male figures growing up. Women are becoming harder. I attribute this to being scorned or seeing their examples of they women they should become having to take on the male roles. I can go on about this forever. I think I will do separate posts for the soft male and the hard female.

Missing....

I don't know why. Right now at this very moment thoughts of her are flooding me. I'm not really one for tears but I want to cry so much right now. I know that millions of people lose their mothers. Some at even a younger age than me. I never felt sorry for myself. I never envy people that still have those relationships. Right now I'm lying in bed, knowing I need to go to sleep for work tomorrow. I'm torturing myself by asking "Why?" In the almost 10 yrs since she was taken from me I've never asked this question. I don't so much think about the past because those memories are fading and that depresses me. Thinking about my future, as bright as it is, also depresses me. I'm due to walk the stage for college graduation in a few months and I'm not even excited about it. The faces of those that support me will unfairly be dulled by her absence. I feel bad about that but I can't change how I feel. And I already know somebody will make the mistake of saying, "Your mother is here in spirit" or "she's watching you from heaven" or something to that affect. I don't think I can handle it. When I was younger I used to cling to the past. Now that I'm older I just feel this damn void about the future. I need her. She is the one person that will allude me for the rest of my natural life and it stings. Not having her probably is why I consider people in my life expendable. I'm just really confused right now, and it scares me. I miss you.

Does Premium Gas Work in a Bucket?

"When you get a Lexus it says in the manual to only put premium gas in it. You gonna keep that Lex running right and always put premium in it. Have you ever tried putting premium gas in a bucket?" I replied with, "Yeah, it goes crazy." He said, "Exactly." Right then I had an epiphany of sorts. We weren't talking about cars at all. We were talking about women. The metaphor was the shit and the more I thought about it the more I was feeling it.

This dude and I talk all the time at work. He's one of my favorite people to talk to even tho I haven't known him very long. I don't know why he's in my life but while he's here I'm going to learn, because that's what I do. When we first started working together I thought he was going to be some regular annoying nigga. Luckily I always observe and let people place themselves where they should be in my life before I confirm my first thoughts because he is one of the coolest dudes I've met in a while. But this isn't a post for all of that. I gotta get back to the business of this metaphor.

Basically he confirmed what everyone knows. As a woman a man will treat you however he has to for you to act right. We (women) can be ass backwards just like that bucket. You think by doing something nice (putting premium in your tank) that you would get the utmost appreciation from your lady. Instead realizing she has a good dude, she starts shitting on him (engine starts shaking and rattling). How many times have you been annoyed by a dude calling you everyday? He just wants to let you know you are important to him and you copping attitudes. That real woman (Lexus) expects to be treated a certain way. If you treat that woman right she will treat you a thousand times better. It isn't a coincidence that not everyone can afford a Lexus.

I'm going to take this a step futher by saying my era is settling for the buckets. Let me break it down. Dudes aren't willing to save up for the Lexus. They would rather buy a Monte Carlo, invest in some beat and rims. No matter how you dress that car up, its not gonna be that Lex. The rims will break your shit down. The beat will get you a few heads turned your way but as you age it will become an annoyance. You might have gotten that Monte Carlo easy but it will go just as fast. You need credit to get that Lexus off the lot. The Lexus will be a classic. A Lexus holds it's value. That's the difference between a woman and girl. A girl will break down. A woman will keep you.

The lesson learned, or should I say reaffirmed is: I'm doing the right thing. I consider myself to be a newer model Lexus. I'm gonna keep doing credit checks because not every dude can make the payment. I'm not accepting less than what I deserve because I will never give less. I'm chilling until I find someone worthy of all this Lex has to offer. Afterall I am fully loaded.

Oh Father

I have a strange relationship with my father. I really can't describe it. I feel like he knows that he isn't the prototype male. He has flaws. He knows it. He doesn't hide them. And I absolutely love him for it. He doesn't tell me what to do. He never has and I don't think he ever will. Instead he shows me what not to except. I don't know if he even realizes the example he sets. My dad is like me in many ways, or maybe I'm like him. He had and still has a shitload of potential. Rather than push himself he would rather be great and being average. He is a people person. I think he wants to be settled but he is uneasy with the idea of people getting too close to him. I'm his daughter. His baby. And I'm pretty close to him but even I don't know everything. He is honest but he still has his secrets. We share all these traits. So anyways, on to the post.

On Christmas for the first time the immediate family had dinner together. Usually there are a bunch of ppl around and everyone is chillin with their age group. This year was different. We all sat and ate and had conversation. Me and my dad have a knack for keeping things jovial. Things got awkward when my grandmother asked me why I never bought any male friends around. It's rare that I bring anybody of any sex around. It's not because I don't know many people its just that I really... I can't explain how I am. I'm not very trusting to put it in a nutshell. I have issues with getting close to people. I'm very sensitive and I have issues. I don't know how I can get thru these and I'm not sure if I want to. I have flaws and I don't want to uncover more.

So anywho on to boyfriends coming to visit. I am a secret ass individual. If I don't want you to know something YOU WILL NOT KNOW. I had one boyfriend. They met him but they couldn't have suspected what this dude meant to me and they probably never will. He wasn't shit. He was good to me. He treated me better than he treats anyone else, and he still does. We are on different levels tho. We always will be. I hold all this inside and flip the subject. I get on to my dad. He has been with this same woman for 10+ years. No marriage proposal. He cheats. He doesn't hide it. And why I believe he loves her, I don't think they too much like each other. They are there for convience. I was dug up one of the firecrackers I remember that he used to date. I vividly remember their breakup. I don't know what happened but my dad swooped me up in one swoop while I still had the dice from the board game in my hand. Never saw them again. Then there was the dumb bitch that actually went as far as to plan a wedding to my dad while never being to our house. I feel for her to this day. She was stood up at the alter. But it was her fault as much as his. The lesson I learned: If a woman my dad would date would act this way, accept this behavior, or have this trait then I'm doing the wrong thing. I don't want to attract a man like my father. I love him to death. He has some wonderful traits. But in the end I deserve a man better than my father.

I'm Baaaccckkkk

I know I don't have many readers and that's cool. I appreciate the hell out of all of my readers whether I know you read or not. I had a slight lil hiatus (I'm trying to get my life in order). I'm going to return soon now that I have internet at my new apartment. Christmas Dinner conversation left me with some thoughts about my Daddy and the role he plays in my life whether he knows it or not. That will be my first post back. I gotta get it off my chest.