Oh Father

I have a strange relationship with my father. I really can't describe it. I feel like he knows that he isn't the prototype male. He has flaws. He knows it. He doesn't hide them. And I absolutely love him for it. He doesn't tell me what to do. He never has and I don't think he ever will. Instead he shows me what not to except. I don't know if he even realizes the example he sets. My dad is like me in many ways, or maybe I'm like him. He had and still has a shitload of potential. Rather than push himself he would rather be great and being average. He is a people person. I think he wants to be settled but he is uneasy with the idea of people getting too close to him. I'm his daughter. His baby. And I'm pretty close to him but even I don't know everything. He is honest but he still has his secrets. We share all these traits. So anyways, on to the post.

On Christmas for the first time the immediate family had dinner together. Usually there are a bunch of ppl around and everyone is chillin with their age group. This year was different. We all sat and ate and had conversation. Me and my dad have a knack for keeping things jovial. Things got awkward when my grandmother asked me why I never bought any male friends around. It's rare that I bring anybody of any sex around. It's not because I don't know many people its just that I really... I can't explain how I am. I'm not very trusting to put it in a nutshell. I have issues with getting close to people. I'm very sensitive and I have issues. I don't know how I can get thru these and I'm not sure if I want to. I have flaws and I don't want to uncover more.

So anywho on to boyfriends coming to visit. I am a secret ass individual. If I don't want you to know something YOU WILL NOT KNOW. I had one boyfriend. They met him but they couldn't have suspected what this dude meant to me and they probably never will. He wasn't shit. He was good to me. He treated me better than he treats anyone else, and he still does. We are on different levels tho. We always will be. I hold all this inside and flip the subject. I get on to my dad. He has been with this same woman for 10+ years. No marriage proposal. He cheats. He doesn't hide it. And why I believe he loves her, I don't think they too much like each other. They are there for convience. I was dug up one of the firecrackers I remember that he used to date. I vividly remember their breakup. I don't know what happened but my dad swooped me up in one swoop while I still had the dice from the board game in my hand. Never saw them again. Then there was the dumb bitch that actually went as far as to plan a wedding to my dad while never being to our house. I feel for her to this day. She was stood up at the alter. But it was her fault as much as his. The lesson I learned: If a woman my dad would date would act this way, accept this behavior, or have this trait then I'm doing the wrong thing. I don't want to attract a man like my father. I love him to death. He has some wonderful traits. But in the end I deserve a man better than my father.