Missing....

I don't know why. Right now at this very moment thoughts of her are flooding me. I'm not really one for tears but I want to cry so much right now. I know that millions of people lose their mothers. Some at even a younger age than me. I never felt sorry for myself. I never envy people that still have those relationships. Right now I'm lying in bed, knowing I need to go to sleep for work tomorrow. I'm torturing myself by asking "Why?" In the almost 10 yrs since she was taken from me I've never asked this question. I don't so much think about the past because those memories are fading and that depresses me. Thinking about my future, as bright as it is, also depresses me. I'm due to walk the stage for college graduation in a few months and I'm not even excited about it. The faces of those that support me will unfairly be dulled by her absence. I feel bad about that but I can't change how I feel. And I already know somebody will make the mistake of saying, "Your mother is here in spirit" or "she's watching you from heaven" or something to that affect. I don't think I can handle it. When I was younger I used to cling to the past. Now that I'm older I just feel this damn void about the future. I need her. She is the one person that will allude me for the rest of my natural life and it stings. Not having her probably is why I consider people in my life expendable. I'm just really confused right now, and it scares me. I miss you.