Faithless

Right about now I need to be the cause of something positive for somebody in this world. I need to do something right. I tried to not blog until I got out of this negative emotional state that I'm in. I can't quite pinpoint the reasoning or moment I got into this funk but I can't wait to cleanse myself of it. Lately I've been fucking up all over the place. Little incidents here and there are making me question everything about myself. I try to analyze my feelings but I realized they can't be explained. I'm just this way for the moment and like most storms this too shall pass.

I know one of my biggest problems is I have disappointed myself lately. I'm starting to lose faith in myself lately which is a big deal because throughout my life I have been the only sure thing I can count on. What do you do when you can't even depend on yourself? Who the fuck can you count on? I'm sure most people would take this opportunity to get all religious and call on a higher being but that's not really my way. Maybe I need religion but I ask too many questions to ever fully devote myself down that road. Now I'm getting off the topic at hand.

I'm finding it hard to stay confident when everything around me is telling me I'm less than what I think of myself. How do you try to prove something to yourself? At what point do you stop and think that maybe, just maybe, you have been lying to youself? I don't know because I'm not yet at those points. I'm going to fight the universes' accusations. I am smart. I am talented. I am something to somebody. I am an inspiration. I just need inspiration. I need to get the kinks out of my compass. I need to get it together. I need to make myself accountable to me. I need...

I Love My Daddy

So today is fathers day. I'm greatful to be able to partake in this little hallmark holiday and now that I have a job my Daddy takes advantage of it! It doesn't matter because he always gave me what I wanted (even tho I'm still waiting on my tint!) He hooked me up with a lot of material things but most of those get tossed aside. He constantly teaches me about life and that is what I will always value about that man. He is the only person who's opinion I value more than my own. This isn't to say I do what he says but I do take his opinion into consideration. They say children shouldn't be friends with their parents but I am my father. I'm literally a girl version of him right down to the way we think. Our relationship is one in a million. It isn't perfect but I wouldn't change shit about him, me, or my upbringing.

This isn't to say he is perfect. I don't put him on a pedestal at all. He has done many things that disappoint me and show me things in a man that I will not tolerate in my future husband, but he never sugarcoats shit. He is perfectly imperfect. I can tell him about himself and he does the same to me. Flaws and all he is my one and only father and I love him forever and ever. I wouldn't want any other father and that's real talk. The day he goes I will loose my fuckin mind. I know its a fact of life and I should be greatful that I got to have my 21 years with him but I still have too much to experience and I need him here. I love you LVM!

Music Time

So it's time for a change on the music front. Sometimes I try to have a theme with these little playlist but today there is no rhyme or reason for these selections. It's all just some really good R&B that tickles my fancy. Enjoy!

Jill Scott - Crown Royal

Who can hear this song and not love it? The beat is simple but it goes hard as hell. The content is sexy which is to be expected from Jilly from Philly. This song makes me think of somethings. I need to find an older smooth lover. Maybe I'll work on that before summer is out. Until then I'm still keeping my promise I made last month! ;-) By the way Crown Royal aint good for nothing but storing valuables in that purple and gold sack the bottle comes in. That shit is gross.

Aaliyah - Come Over

This was one of my favorite tracks off of Aaliyah's last album. Tank did his thing on the song writing. Everyone has that one person they dig being with. Especially at night, not just to have sex, but just be in their company. It's just a cool little song that everyone can say, "Yo this song reminds me of so and so."

Justin Timberlake - Until the End of Time

This is kind of the only song I still play off of FutureSexLoveSounds. I can't deny the lyrics and melodic beat. It's something that I wish was sung by a prominant 90's artist. I imagine Jodeci could freak the fuck out of this song. They probably would've put some flavor on the track. But their time is gone and JT got the song and did what he could.

Jamie Foxx ft. Marsha Ambrosius - Freakin' Me

I LOVE this song. Well Marsh could sing the alphabet and I would throw it on this blog but her voice is unique and dope. I hated to hear that Floetry broke up. I'll admit that I put up with the poetist just to hear the songstress but seein and how the songstress is only hoping on hooks I want that old thing back. This song go hard tho.

Raheem DeVaughn ft. Marsha Ambrosius - Marathon

Here she is again but I love Raheem too. He makes complete songs. You can listen to one of his songs 10 times and find something different to love about it everytime. The way they play with their voices and off of each others voice makes the track addictive. Then the horn plays with your eardrums and makes your heartbeat different. Oh yeah, the song has some quotable one liners. "...And there's no need for batteries once you turned on your light"

About That.... Don't Hold Your Breath....

So in what has to be one of the most random moments in a pretty random week I was asked to apologize. Let me just give you a little info on myself. I am stubborn as all hell. I really think things thru before I act or speak. That's one of the reasons I get silent when I pissed to a certain extent, I don't want to apologize at all. If I accidently offend someone then I apologize with the quickness. I usually only do things that will make people happy so when the outcome is other then shits and giggles then it wasn't my intent and I need to apologize. Those apologies are rare. Now when I do or say something to prove a point and someone is rubbed the wrong way, oh the fuck well, you shouldn't have pushed me. You can be mad and never speak to me and I won't give two fucks, it's your decision. However, if you decide to be cool with me, please don't make the mistake of thinking your going to get an apology out of me. In my eyes if an apology isn't sincere it is an insult. When I say "I apologize" in essence I'm saying "if I could turn back the hands of time and relive the situation things would be different." I'm no Anita Baker so get the fuck out my face! I say what I mean and do what I feel is deserved.

So the other day I was asked for an apology. Honestly I didn't know what this was all about. I said somethings in a heated debate with someone I know. When I wouldn't apologize I was called an immature child that wasn't capable of participating in an argument. I don't remember much of what typed because my mind was on fire but I do remember saying something to the effect of "That's how I feel and if you think I feel bad for it get over yourself. You will suck a dick before I apologize." With that said I logged off aim. I logged back on today I was greeted to, "I guess I won't get an apology cuz I damn sure aint suckin no dick! LOL. We always disagree and now that I think of it you never apologize." I was like, "take it or leave it." We went on to have more debates which I love.

Some people (read: Grandma) thinks I need to mature and what not. Honestly I think I'm prolly gonna be like this til it's ashes to ashes dust to dust on that ass because this makes so much sense to me. I argue my point of view and nobody has ever made a point that even makes me question my opinion.

To Need or To Want

I don't know why this came in my mind but I've been wondering if I would rather be needed or wanted by the people in my life. I've decided that the only person I have enough patience to be consistently needed by will be my future child. I think it's better to be wanted by people than needed. Neediness breeds resentment to me. Don't get it twisted tho, I love helping people. Something in me gets agitated when people repeatedly ask me for shit because they know I will always say yes. Something annoys me when people rest on their grind and become dependent on me. People easily try to take advantage of me but I'm not the type that will stand for it. To me it means more when someone genuinely WANTS my company and everything I bring.

On the other hand I don't like being dependent on people. When I tell people "You are in my life because I want you here, not because I need you.", it's often not taken the right way. I have to explain that to me I value the intangible aspects of that they bring. In a world where people want to use people to get something out of the relationship I would rather just know the person. Of course I use people to get what I need because that's human nature. People rely on people. But when I use people there is never a pretense of friendship, both parties get something out of the deal, and after the deal is done I usually make moves that build upon the help I recieved so that I don't constantly become a burden on the one who helped me. I don't mix business and pleasure.

I don't really no what the purpose of the post was. I just let the thoughts flow out of my fingertips. This is pretty raw at the moment. Maybe later I will refine my thoughts but for right now I'm happy with what I wrote.

...But Life Happened

I was all ready to do a post on an interracial dating trend I see. I was so geeked my first break at work was spent doing a little draft on my phone. I went out to accompany some new friends shopping. Plans change and I got to know one of them better. (I love meeting cool ass people. It makes me feel like I'm not the last of a dying breed. More on that later.) So anyways in between saying goodbye to my friend and walking to my car I found out my little sister is pregnant. I feel so many emotions. I can't quite put a finger on my mindset. I love her so I refuse to let her fail. As long as I have room for a negative balance in my bank account then the baby will be cool. I feel like she doesn't quite understand what is about to happen, but her ignorance is bliss. She said, "I know my youth is over but I feel like I'm starting a great adventure." I know she is going to try her best and that's really all one can ask for. All first time mothers have doubt I don't care if you're 14 or 40, having someone's whole life depend on you is a beautiful gift and a hellacious burden. I'm not going to ask the dumbass questions of "what were you thinking?" "Why didn't you do this or that?" The fact of the matter is what's done is done. The best thing is to focus on the future. With that said:



Dear Future Niece or (Hopefully) Nephew,

I was hoping you would've waited for a little while longer. I'm not ready to let go of your mommy. She's pretty fucking cool so I could see why you couldn't wait to get here. The thing is your mommy has to change and grow. I think your presence will speed that process up. I need you to be strong because the two of you will be learning together and at times it will seem like all you have in the messed up world will be each other. Remember that your bond will always be enough to get you through the toughest of times. Me and your other auntie will make sure you are cool but we don't have the same control mommy has. I'm a little overwhelmed at your existence so I don't really know what to say. You are loved already.

Love,
Me

It's Been A While

I have so much I want to write about. At work I find myself putting my mind on autopilot so that I can philosophize on different things. I have some topics and what not but I'm going to wait until my mind is right to formally get them out. I've been dumb busy trying to find a way. I always think about my future and sometimes I'm so tired that I live nap to nap and just drag thru the day. While I've managed to have some really good times lately with more to come soon no matter how my plantation (read: work) tries to rob my joy. On another note I'm doing pretty damn good in my little summer class. I hate going but I feel like if I keep it up then I'm gonna have a good grade which I desperately need. I find it easier to ease back into blogging by posting a new playlist. The one I intended to post was just some good classic shit (read: shit from before I was born) but the mood I'm in AT THE VERY MOMENT is one of cockiness. I don't know why but at the moment I feel like I'm the shit. So with that said: here is the soundtrack of the hour.

Clipse ft. Skateboard P - I'm Good

This has me foaming at the mouth for their next CD and some good ass weather. I'm not use to what L.A is going thru right now. I'm used to the sunshine but right now it's all June Gloom. As soon as the weather permits I'm going to hit up my car wash. I'm finna put this on the Zune and turn this up full blast on repeat. I'm finna feel like the shit cuz a car wash is an event. I always dress real nice and do some maintenance shit like get my nails and hair done. To top off the ambiance of feeling myself I fill my tank up. If your like me you drive different when your shit is on full. This song just makes you feel good about your damnself, and when you carry yourself confidantly it shows in your aura.

Kanye West - Can't Tell Me Nothing*

I remember how nuts I went when I first heard this song. I didn't (and still don't) have my money right but you couldn't tell me a damn thing. I was planning on making moves that I knew my people wouldn't approve of but I felt it was some shit I had to do, win or lose. It feels like so many lines in this song speak to me. This is that song that reminds you that all you really need is self esteem. "This is my life homie, you decide yours". I'm diggin that to the fullest.

Jay-Z - U Don't Know*

This song is one for all the doubters. No I'm not a drug dealer but I definately have the mindset of a hussler. I can't see myself losing. This song is more of a metaphor for my life. Some of the topics Jay spits about I may never reach in my life. I may not know what it's like to sign multi - million dollar deals but I will be in a better position in 5 years then I am now and that's off sheer determination. I never sit still in content. While for the most part I live my life with a certain amount of angst, when I look back on my situations I always come out on top.

*Please excuse these whack ass drops. If I could get the songs off my computer the quality would be so much better but I only have what mixpod has. Also forgive me for only having 3 songs. This list was rushed but it reflects how I feel. A new list and more in depth post is coming soon...

Double Standards

As a female I can say that I often get the benefit of some double standards but when it comes to sex and relationships I often find myself floored by the the ideals both men and women have when it comes to women. I don't know why I can see both sides of the argument but for some reason I can. I can see why men think women play "games" and I can see why women think men can be full of shit. I don't really know where I fall. I can play games and I can be full of shit but I can always justify my reasoning for why certain people fall where they do in my categories that I have created to describe a general relationship with the people I come in contact with.

Of course I have my own double standard when it comes to the men and women in my life. With women you are either family or an acquaintance. I have about three friends in my life that are like my sisters. Yeah I have a sister (I think. I question some bloodlines but if my family calls her my sister than that is what I will call her for the sake of a title) but these particular three that share no blood with me are just as close as my sisters that I grew up with (I know they are my sisters. So what if we don't have the same mother or father, we were raised together and they are my sisters). I have to have these people in my life no matter what. Yeah that was complicated with all the parenthesis and what not but that is not the point. The point is, that I would do for my circle of sisters some shit that would agitate me if a male friend asked. If they asked me for $100 I would get it to them within hours as long as I have access to an ATM. If a male friend asked me for $20 not only would he not get it, I prolly wouldn't talk to him anymore. Yeah that's fucked up but its a stigma that is attached with females giving males money and I'm not down with how I would feel after passing some nigga money. It would have to be an emergency in their life for me to consider passing my dead presidents.

Now with men in my life they fall in a bevy of categories and they quickly can get demoted on one false move. It could be because when it comes to men there are so many alterior motives involved. I usually make the mistake of having a preconcieved use for most men when they enter my life. I know that's wrong because when you have preconceptions of people you basically set yourself up. When men don't turn out to be what you want them to be there will be a problem. It mostly happens when people don't reach your expectations. There are rare pleasent suprises when men exceed your expectations, but that's pretty rare. I'm working on keeping an open mind when I meet men but old habits are hard to break. Sadly at this point in my life the men I come only have penis working in their favor. They don't have contacts for business ventures, sense of humor, a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, prospects for success in their future, or good reason to be around me. One can take that sentence and come to the conclusion that I might be a cold gold diggin bitch. That's not the case, I promise. Of course I'm not perfect and I realize that but I constantly work on my flaws. I'm not saying a dude needs to be on my level but I can't stand when people are content with the here and now. Have a goal and go get it.

I can't tell you how many dudes tell me that I play "games". I can't stand when they say this. It makes no sense to me because I'm not doing anything any different then them. I know on sight if a dude approaches me if I would give it up to him. Most women do whether they admit it or not. With this decision already made in my mind I decide whether they get a real number or if I change the last digit. Now, I'm not some crazy nutbucket hoe, just because you get a number doesn't mean I'm finna lay with you. Chances are you will talk yourself out of sex within the first conversation. Men do this same thing. They approach knowing that they will lay the female down if she lets them (or gets talked into it). This is where the game changes for men and women. When a woman decides she doesn't deem you worthy of her draws she is "playing games". When a man decides he is done with the woman for whatever the reason he is "full of shit". This is the part of the game I don't get. The bottom line is when people don't get what they want they move the hell on. Why all the salt? People decide what role they want to allow other people to play in their lives. Why is a woman deemed loose if she wants a jumpoff but a man is deemed a player? Why is a man deemed a good man for having standards that they want their girlfriend to possess before they settle, and a woman is deemed a gold digger (for lack of a better word) for not settling for a man that is beneath her?


*maybe soon I will break down the categories I put men in tomorrow or so if I'm inspired. Hopefully I do because I've been thinkin a lot on the topic internally. I guess it will be cool to see if my theories make sense when I read them on paper as if someone else wrote them. Damn this is a tangent but I often read some of the shit I write as if I didn't write it and think "damn that bitch is brilliant I wanna meet her, or this dumb trick sounds so stupid". I often hate my own ideals or think I'm a ghetto female Confucious who needs her own forum so she can reach the masses. LMAO literally! Who thinks this kind of stuff of themselves? Let me just publish this shit.