Gender Is Becoming Extinct

Today I saw a young man of slight stature with a pressed bun in his head and a turquoise and pink shirt. I got lost in a thought. In my mind I asked, "Why do girls want to be men so bad?" I mean, sure I've wondered what it would be like to be a man for a day. I had my tomboy phase where I wanted to kick it with the boys and play basketball but I still did girly things. As I grew into a young woman kicking it with the fellas bit me hard. After we all hit puberty I grew found of their beauty and wanted to be more than friends but they all saw me as their lil sister or "the homie". I didn't start gettin action til I moved on from school, but that's not the topic of this damn post. Back to the regularly scheduled programming.

Anywho I must of blanked out because the dude was like, "Hey Ma." My whole mind was rocked. Here stood before me a boy. Who looked like a girl, that was trying to be a boy. In essence he looked like a stud. And he was tryna holla! At this point I wasn't sure of anything in this world. I don't know whether this dude is feminine, or if females are becoming too masculine. I snapped out of it to not be rude and say "Hi" even though I just wanted to walk away. He continued to talk to me eventually asking for my number. I took his instead, later deleting it after he walked away.

I say all of that to wonder aloud: Why aren't men manly anymore? Now that I think of it gender is becoming extinct. Men I encounter have a lot of feminine traits. I might attribute this to lack of male figures growing up. Women are becoming harder. I attribute this to being scorned or seeing their examples of they women they should become having to take on the male roles. I can go on about this forever. I think I will do separate posts for the soft male and the hard female.

Missing....

I don't know why. Right now at this very moment thoughts of her are flooding me. I'm not really one for tears but I want to cry so much right now. I know that millions of people lose their mothers. Some at even a younger age than me. I never felt sorry for myself. I never envy people that still have those relationships. Right now I'm lying in bed, knowing I need to go to sleep for work tomorrow. I'm torturing myself by asking "Why?" In the almost 10 yrs since she was taken from me I've never asked this question. I don't so much think about the past because those memories are fading and that depresses me. Thinking about my future, as bright as it is, also depresses me. I'm due to walk the stage for college graduation in a few months and I'm not even excited about it. The faces of those that support me will unfairly be dulled by her absence. I feel bad about that but I can't change how I feel. And I already know somebody will make the mistake of saying, "Your mother is here in spirit" or "she's watching you from heaven" or something to that affect. I don't think I can handle it. When I was younger I used to cling to the past. Now that I'm older I just feel this damn void about the future. I need her. She is the one person that will allude me for the rest of my natural life and it stings. Not having her probably is why I consider people in my life expendable. I'm just really confused right now, and it scares me. I miss you.

Does Premium Gas Work in a Bucket?

"When you get a Lexus it says in the manual to only put premium gas in it. You gonna keep that Lex running right and always put premium in it. Have you ever tried putting premium gas in a bucket?" I replied with, "Yeah, it goes crazy." He said, "Exactly." Right then I had an epiphany of sorts. We weren't talking about cars at all. We were talking about women. The metaphor was the shit and the more I thought about it the more I was feeling it.

This dude and I talk all the time at work. He's one of my favorite people to talk to even tho I haven't known him very long. I don't know why he's in my life but while he's here I'm going to learn, because that's what I do. When we first started working together I thought he was going to be some regular annoying nigga. Luckily I always observe and let people place themselves where they should be in my life before I confirm my first thoughts because he is one of the coolest dudes I've met in a while. But this isn't a post for all of that. I gotta get back to the business of this metaphor.

Basically he confirmed what everyone knows. As a woman a man will treat you however he has to for you to act right. We (women) can be ass backwards just like that bucket. You think by doing something nice (putting premium in your tank) that you would get the utmost appreciation from your lady. Instead realizing she has a good dude, she starts shitting on him (engine starts shaking and rattling). How many times have you been annoyed by a dude calling you everyday? He just wants to let you know you are important to him and you copping attitudes. That real woman (Lexus) expects to be treated a certain way. If you treat that woman right she will treat you a thousand times better. It isn't a coincidence that not everyone can afford a Lexus.

I'm going to take this a step futher by saying my era is settling for the buckets. Let me break it down. Dudes aren't willing to save up for the Lexus. They would rather buy a Monte Carlo, invest in some beat and rims. No matter how you dress that car up, its not gonna be that Lex. The rims will break your shit down. The beat will get you a few heads turned your way but as you age it will become an annoyance. You might have gotten that Monte Carlo easy but it will go just as fast. You need credit to get that Lexus off the lot. The Lexus will be a classic. A Lexus holds it's value. That's the difference between a woman and girl. A girl will break down. A woman will keep you.

The lesson learned, or should I say reaffirmed is: I'm doing the right thing. I consider myself to be a newer model Lexus. I'm gonna keep doing credit checks because not every dude can make the payment. I'm not accepting less than what I deserve because I will never give less. I'm chilling until I find someone worthy of all this Lex has to offer. Afterall I am fully loaded.

Oh Father

I have a strange relationship with my father. I really can't describe it. I feel like he knows that he isn't the prototype male. He has flaws. He knows it. He doesn't hide them. And I absolutely love him for it. He doesn't tell me what to do. He never has and I don't think he ever will. Instead he shows me what not to except. I don't know if he even realizes the example he sets. My dad is like me in many ways, or maybe I'm like him. He had and still has a shitload of potential. Rather than push himself he would rather be great and being average. He is a people person. I think he wants to be settled but he is uneasy with the idea of people getting too close to him. I'm his daughter. His baby. And I'm pretty close to him but even I don't know everything. He is honest but he still has his secrets. We share all these traits. So anyways, on to the post.

On Christmas for the first time the immediate family had dinner together. Usually there are a bunch of ppl around and everyone is chillin with their age group. This year was different. We all sat and ate and had conversation. Me and my dad have a knack for keeping things jovial. Things got awkward when my grandmother asked me why I never bought any male friends around. It's rare that I bring anybody of any sex around. It's not because I don't know many people its just that I really... I can't explain how I am. I'm not very trusting to put it in a nutshell. I have issues with getting close to people. I'm very sensitive and I have issues. I don't know how I can get thru these and I'm not sure if I want to. I have flaws and I don't want to uncover more.

So anywho on to boyfriends coming to visit. I am a secret ass individual. If I don't want you to know something YOU WILL NOT KNOW. I had one boyfriend. They met him but they couldn't have suspected what this dude meant to me and they probably never will. He wasn't shit. He was good to me. He treated me better than he treats anyone else, and he still does. We are on different levels tho. We always will be. I hold all this inside and flip the subject. I get on to my dad. He has been with this same woman for 10+ years. No marriage proposal. He cheats. He doesn't hide it. And why I believe he loves her, I don't think they too much like each other. They are there for convience. I was dug up one of the firecrackers I remember that he used to date. I vividly remember their breakup. I don't know what happened but my dad swooped me up in one swoop while I still had the dice from the board game in my hand. Never saw them again. Then there was the dumb bitch that actually went as far as to plan a wedding to my dad while never being to our house. I feel for her to this day. She was stood up at the alter. But it was her fault as much as his. The lesson I learned: If a woman my dad would date would act this way, accept this behavior, or have this trait then I'm doing the wrong thing. I don't want to attract a man like my father. I love him to death. He has some wonderful traits. But in the end I deserve a man better than my father.

I'm Baaaccckkkk

I know I don't have many readers and that's cool. I appreciate the hell out of all of my readers whether I know you read or not. I had a slight lil hiatus (I'm trying to get my life in order). I'm going to return soon now that I have internet at my new apartment. Christmas Dinner conversation left me with some thoughts about my Daddy and the role he plays in my life whether he knows it or not. That will be my first post back. I gotta get it off my chest.