The Learning Process

"I have learnt silence from the talkative, tolerant from the intorlerant , and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungreatful to these teachers" -Kahlil Gibran


I have yet to read words that jumped off the page in this fashion to me. I FEEL this quote. This is the only way I learn.

I Beg for Good News

I'm not a woe is me type of person but this shit is getting rediculous. Shit keeps happening to me or not happening for me. I try to shake it off and keep my nose to the grind but damn. What bad karma have I put in the air? What am I not doing to help myself? I'm trying hard not to be sensitive. I'm trying hard to be negative.


P.S I'm tired of having these emotionally draining post. I'm not returning until I pick myself up. I pray this is just some hormonal shit and I'm tripping real hard.

Overwhelmed

I'm reaching for the word or words that accurately describes how I feel at this very moment. Perhaps it hasn't been created because it's not in the thesaurus. All I can say is my levies are breaking. One more drop will expand my cracks. I look ahead there is another storm coming my way. I'm going to break, that part is inevitable because I don't see my life getting perfect anytime soon. It's just something that will happen but all messes can be cleaned up. All problems have solutions. And as long as I'm able bodied I'm not going to be defeated. I may fail but I refuse to be a failure.

Walk the Line

__________________________________________________


That red line above these words is the line of hypocrisy. I straddle this line daily. I know how I feel about a certain situation until it happens and its time to sink or swim, do or die, flutter or fly. Every so often I find myself giving out great advice that I don't practice. It is really easy to dissect the hell out of someone else but when it's time to turn the scalpel on yourself you are too shaky to make the first cut. Well, I am flawed. I sit and I think everyday. I make plans everyday. I say "tomorrow I will be better at....", yet everyday I fail to make the change. I'm not perfect. Never claimed to be. Not even striving for perfection, never have never will. I want better for others than I want for myself. I advise others to do things I can't do. I wish for my loved ones to perfect my flaws that they display in themselves so that maybe in turn I can learn from them. I also do things that I know I shouldn't. For these reasons, among others, I trip on that red line everyday. I am a hypocrite.

How Are You?

So today is your 47th Birthday. It's crazy that every year I mark your birthday and I realize just how young you were. I wish I could just talk with you over a slice of cake. I would even settle for sitting in silence and just basking in your presence. These years have been a crazy distorted reality to me but lately you've been coming to me in my dreams. I cherish these subconcious thoughts even though when I awake from them my mental is usually messed up because I know that's as close as I'll get to you until I die.

On this day I think about you and try to do something in your honor. I texted Jackie today. Imagine that, right. I sent your best friend a text on my cell phone. Crazy that when you were alive neither one of us had a cell phone, and when I think about it, I didn't know too many people with a cell phone. Now I'm texting your friend on a phone I purchased all by myself. Anyways, I thanked her for you. She was always really good to you and she kept your hair tight! Remember when she cut the shag and gave you a fly dye job and cut like hers? I remember because you were a whole new woman when I saw you. You was glowin that night. I always appreciated her because she treated you as an equal. She was a true friend. I hope that if something happens to me I have friends like Jackie.

I wonder about how you are doing. I'm pretty sure your ok because in life even when you were down you weren't out. I know this crazy but sometimes I wish that all of this was really a hoax. Like, maybe, you wanted a fresh start so you faked your death. That way I could have a chance to just run into you. I wouldn't even be mad. I would just be happy for the chance. When I see people with strokes, I see you. I hear about people with lupus and I send silent prayers for strength their way. Sometimes I see women that favor you and I stare, HARD. I hear people call your name and I break my neck just to see who answers. I don't what I am expecting. I know it isn't going to be you I see. I was there when you were lowered into the ground, and although I never had the strength to look in your casket I know you were in there. Just like your spirit is invincible, so is my hope. I hope you are happy... Happy Birthday Mommy.

Busy but Shit Aint Gettin Done, Why?

I've been really busy lately. My time is being streched in multiple directions. Some people like doing shit everyday and going out and shit but I don't. If I oly went out once a month I prolly wouldn't complain as long as I saw certain people every so often. With that being said I have to start just saying no because I don't like my current busy bee schedule because I'm not getting the shit done that needs to be done. I also need to take a week or two off from work. I'm waiting until I get the 80 bitch ass hours I need but by the time I get those who knows where I'll be. They say if you make a list of shit you want to do and look at it then it will be easier to do it. In my mind that list is done but the action part is really hard for me to do. So here it is written.

I HAVE to go shopping. I'm not eating meat this week yet I have not went to the store to get a damn thing which is horrible because I refuse to get lazy and go to Taco Bell and get some bean burritos.

I HAVE to go to class. My homegirl copied me the book and we have a test on Wednesday so I need to get it together. As usual I had a high goal of getting an A in this class but my actions have desired a C. In the end I COULD have done better and probably will look back and say I SHOULD have done better, but a credit is a fuckin credit no matter how you slice or dice that bitch.

I HAVE to pay for this damn summer session and parking ticket I recieved. Shame on it all for me letting it get this far but thats just money I don't want to spend on that.

I WANT to go to yoga. My friends want me to go with them but I have a certain routine I follow and the time they want to go doesn't match up with the time I want to go. They gonna think I'm a flaker but oh well. I been pleasing others all month it seems by doing shit I don't necessarily want or need to do so I gotta charge other people's feelings to the game sometimes.

I REALLY WANT to kick it with my muse. It's pretty impossible because I work days and he works nights. He told me he is open on Tuesday but I have plans with one of my best friends that I'm not going to break. Hopefully his night is open and we can do something then. This dude has me crushin on him. SMH at what his text messages do to me. I talk to him everyday and he has yet to say anything that makes me want to delete him out my phone.

I NEED to sit down and write this card for Auntie. We were supposed to go to the movies today but she couldn't make it. We rescheduled for next Monday and she wants to take my little cousins school shopping. I NEED to come up with money for that because I always help out with that every year.

I WANT to buy a little fridge for my room.

I NEED to get my fuckin car washed. It's too great to be so dirty but I need more hours in my night so I could get enough sleep for all this shit. I hate to say it but I may have to go a week with a bedtime and see how my body is effected. I can't fuckin wait til the shift bid. I'm running to the night shift. I was never this damn tired. Cross your fingers that I could get Friday Saturday off guys.

Time Affects Decisions

So I was in my economics class, zoned out like always. For some reason "Simple Life" by No Doubt was in my mind. The beat would play and the words, "If we met tomorrow for the very first time" kept looping thru my mind. Sometimes a line from a song will just fuck me up and get my wheels turning. So this got me going thru random situations that occur in everyday life and how this question could help me come thru decisions about life.

"If we met tomorrow for the very first time..."

Would this matter to me? Sometimes it's not so cut a dry. I realized at this point how powerful time is. I know I think about time a lot because it's pretty damn amazing to me. Example, when it comes to relationships, say your partner has sex with someone else yesterday. Thats a big ass deal and grounds for termination. If he or she had sex with someone yesterday and met you tomorrow it wouldn't even matter. Time makes the question null in void.

In a different situtaion the question can help you see how trivial your actual anger really is. Example, I don't have one at the moment. It's one of things that made sense at the time but on paper I can't get it out. Urgh I hate when that happens. But I'm sure there is a situation where you can ask, "If I met you tomorrow for the very first time, would I even care about this?" And the answer would be, "no" and you can move on and keep kickin it.

Just food for thought I guess.

OFF TOPIC: why won't people leave me the fuck alone? That's why I need to move. I need to be left to my own damn devices.