Live in the Moment

My coworker gave me some great advice one day when it comes to how he deals with people he's seeing. He said, "I just take it day by day. I enjoy when we are together and make sure I leave on good terms. When I think too far in advance I fuck up. I psyche myself out. I don't have time for that." I don't know why this everyday conversation had such a profound effect on me. It's most likely because I always move full throttle. I always want to give all my greatness before I find out that they weren't really worthy of it. I don't really feel stupid after wards because I always just do what's on my heart but I do feel like I need to slow down before I end up becoming one of those bitter people who go unappreciated for far too long. Day by day.

Birth.Basketball.________.Death

Nike used to have these shirts that said "Birth.Basketball.Death". This shirt implies that basketball is life. As much as one would want that to be true there is life after basketball, or whatever sport you play. I read an article in the LA Times the other day about athletes who suffer with depression after they are no longer active in their sport. I could relate with these athletes. I didn't go through depression but to this day I'm still trying to find my new niche.

I started playing basketball when I was 12 years old. Instantly immersed myself in the sport. It was all I watched, if it was daylight I was outside with the ball, every decision I made was made with regards as to how it would effect my "basketball career". At 12 years old I loved the game and no one could tell me that I wasn't going to be playing in the NCAA tourney when I went to school. Clearly it did not turn out like that. I worked out with my college but I took a job rather than officially try out for the team.

So there I was. Retired at 19. At first I was happy for the break. No more practice, no more running, no more being tethered to this round ball. So now I found that I had this free time but guess what? No friends because they were all still playing basketball. So now I had this sort of emptiness. All this free time. No matter what I did you could look at me and know that I was an athlete. I had a basketball "swag" It's been a long and tedious process but I promise I'm getting better everyday at this new phase of life.

Now I'm a young woman at 23. I still love sports in general. My love for basketball isn't nearly as fanatical as it was when I was 12. People change. I'm still most comfortable in basketball shorts and a beater but I can rock heels and look damn good when I do so. I let go of my ponytail and started locking my hair. My confidence no longer comes from how good I am on the court. My confidence comes from a whole nother place. Where exactly? I can't say for sure. I just know I have it. I went from an athlete to a more well rounded person. I can't shed my tendencies from the past because they are forever engraved in me. I'm just picking up more parts of me along the way as I live and I'm so proud of the person I'm becoming. There is something in between basketball and death. It's called...LIFE.

Freedom of Speech

I hate my job. It was no secret and every friend on my Facebook page knew it. I added people who I thought I could trust on my facebook. Whenever I felt something I went to facebook. I was everyone's must read post because I said whatever was on my mind. I said whatever happened to me good or bad. I was always honest. I liked facebook because of the instant feedback. I would post something and instantly a conversation could be started. Be it a debate, someone virtually laughing, someone encouraging me, or someone letting me know that they have been there I got a reaction. I was able to reveal sides of me to people who only got to see me in certain settings. Ironically the reason I love facebook is the reason I left it.

One of my high school friends and coworkers got caught up in some shit at work because of facebook. Her post was child's play compared to what I post. Someone she trusted enough to allow in her personal thoughts reported her to someone at work and before she knew it she was under investigation. What kind of shit is that? It just really got me thinking. 1) You can't trust people. 2) You aren't free to say what you want, even if it's the truth. 3) I realized why I'm private. I only expose myself to the few people close to me. It was fun socially mingling for the couple years I had my facebook but in the end I'm not for the masses. The craziest thing is that I would have people that never posted on facebook comment to me in real life about something I posted. At first it would creep me out but then I realized people are really afraid to let other people know what's on their mind.

Facebook has been my addiction and my muse but now it's over. There is a silver lining in all of this though. Number one I'll get back to my original muse. This blog. I'm glad I never compromised my blog. It's still confidential. No pics, no name. I can and will be as free as I want to without having to censor myself. Censorship kills me. I will never censor myself. Number two is I'll finally be so bored that I'll have to get out of the house. Number three is I will have my heir of mystery back. I realize that people chit and chat about me. Before facebook there was no way to confirm their suspicions. People use to search my fb to prove or disprove their theories. Now that's out the window.

*I know this post is poorly constructed and all over the place but I just had to jump back into things.

Tomorrow

Nothing is stopping me. I got my transcripts and now I'm about to apply apply apply until I get a job. It may not come quick but it will come. I'm ready.

FriendZone

Believe it or not women get stuck here too. I used to believe that men and women couldn't be friends and even though I find myself in a platonic relationship I STILL believe that they can't be. The situation is that he wants to be friends but I can't stand it. I'm an all or nothing type of person and I can't stand just getting the piece of himself that he wants to give me. The cold part is that he knows I would drop every dude to make him the one. He's in this relationship and being his friend I get to sit and listen to everything she does wrong. I get to hear him be unhappy and in my heart I just want to be a hater and say how much better I would be for him. I know better than that. There is a reason he stays. He has love for me but he is in love with her. I can't live in this zone though. I can't wait in the wings for something that may never happen. I can't let my feelings boil over in this pot knowing that I will never remove the lid. If I can't be his lover, I won't be his friend. I know I'm selfish. I lose a friend and spare my feelings. Fuck the friend zone.

Single Life?

I'm trying to roll with the punches when it comes to this single situation but I'm about to get knocked the fuck out. I've been super patient but damn I'm about to give up. I've been meeting guys but for some reason or another things haven't been clicking. I'm starting to think that maybe I have some type of issue or something. It takes two to tango tho. Of all the guys I meet all of them are willing to bump to uglies. Sometimes I take the offering of their body but more often than not I decline. Some are just not ready for relationships. I totally understand that. I don't want to be with someone who isn't even on Get My Shit Together Street. I'm looking for someone on Sky Is the Limit Lane. I just purchased real estate there and I like this block. Sometimes I'm the one bullshitting. I'm not trying to settle but fuck, can someone with some true potential come my way? I know everyone is on that "when you stop looking he will come" bullshit but I'm not with it. My whole adult life I've been single and I'm not trying to be this way forever. Anyways, that's where I'm at today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Thank God for this blog, I often come here for a quick venting.

What Happened

It never was what it should have been
If I could choose again, I would go with sin
But shit happens for a reason
You gave up forever to only become a season

Sadly I'm not sure what to believe in
Questions are irrelevant, I'll never understand
It is what it is. I just wonder what happened...

How often do you get what you want?

I was on facebook one day talking to one of my coworkers. Every so often we go back in forth in my comment section and I'm always amazed by him. He is so much deeper than I ever would peg him to be. I mentioned how I'm not much of a competitor. I said, "I always manage to get what I need." He questioned, "It's cool to get what you need, but how often do you get what you want?" As I stared at the question on my screen I seriously thought about it. When it comes to goals where all I have to do is "A, B, and C" I'm going to get it done. When it's just me standing in between myself and the goal I'm never going to hold myself back. If it's a job I'm going to get it. If it's a grade I'm going to get it. Even then I don't strive to do it better than everybody else doing it, I just strive to get it done. When it comes to matters of other people I will often take the L. If I want something and someone else wants the same thing I will just let them have it. I don't know if it's a feeling of inferiority because I never feel less than the next person. I just know that I can do without. No matter what I'm going to be ok. I always want to see everyone succeed. In order to make this happen sometimes I sacrifice what I want. It's not always good because 8 out of 10 people operate with their own interest at heart. I don't want to compromise who I am as a person but if I want to get what I want and not just what I need a change may be necessary. Is it worth it though?

Doors Unlock From the Inside

Let me start this off by saying at the moment I'm ok with being single. Of course everyone covets what they don't have. I want a relationship. Not like the ones I see my peers in. I want something a little bit more pure. Something that takes time to build. A lot of people don't desire what I'm looking after and I'm not into trying force myself on anyone. So while I'm open to meeting people and letting them bring to my what they will, I'm not in a rush to give all of my greatness.

With that said I'm changing. I used to be a selfish person. I used to want everyone to reveal themselves to me while I gave very little of myself. I wanted to be catered to. The problem is that some men don't care to get to know you. They want to get it in and/or get lost. I don't have a problem with this. Do what you want get it how you live. I'd rather guys make their intentions known. I can make my decisions. If we aren't on the same page there is no need to waste anybody's time. (If you go back to early post you can read how much of a nuisance wasting my time is). I'm grown enough to know that sex isn't going to make a dude like or not like you. If I want to have sex with a man I'm going to do that as long as all of my screening goes through properly. I'm not going to have sex in hopes that a relationship will come from it. I'm not going to not have sex in hopes that a relationship will come from it. Those rules are just silly to me.

Now I just take every situation with the opposite sex for what it is. People always make their intentions true. I've just learned to take the ingredients that people give me and see what they gave me. If you give me lemons I'm not going to call it lemonade. I used to keep my doors locked and wonder why I was always inside and alone. I'm unlocking the door and allowing people in. I know there are chances that I will have to escort people back to where they came but hopefully I will be richer for the experience of opening my door in the first place.

A Quick Drop In

I'm truly falling in love with myself. I'm coming into my own as a young woman and I've noticed that my energy is a lot different. Trivial things just don't matter anymore. My life is moving in a positive direction and I appreciate all of the people and events that are being placed on my path with me. Letting go, and living.