Get It Together

I need to refocus. Somehow school got put on the backburner and I'm doing everything instead of study. I have to refocus because I'm in the dog days of the semester and I really don't want all my hardwork to go down the drain. I would be devestated.

Like and Love...

Can you have one without the other?

I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. I just realized I have a lot of people in my life that I like and will never love. I have just as many that I love and may never like. Then I have few that I like and love equally. I guess I came to this realized this yesterday. Well I've known this for a while but yesterday cemented it. An old friend called and asked me a favor a couple days ago. Usually I would jump to help him but I didn't. The minute I told him I couldn't do it, I realized I don't really like him right now. The next day I hit him up to see if his friend was still pilfering mattresses so I could get a new one. He told me I could get that fresh king for 250 which had me dumb hyped. His next text message is how he chose to tell me his mother died. I have been through this and really there are no words to help someone in such a situation. I was doing some scavenger hunting for apartments but I put that on hold. One day I didn't like him enough to want to see him but the next day my love for him made me go to him just to see that he was ok. That's love.

Now I have love relationship for my sister but I can't say I like her. But this falls in the same category that I just described. I like people that I have met from everyday life. I can't say I will ever love them. To me such an emotion takes too much. At this very moment I'm so focused on getting to my goals that if I don't already love you then I prolly won't any time soon because I can't give the time that love deserves. I think everyone goes through this, some just are quicker than others to feel the like and love.

And then there is my inner circle. I love and like them 95% of the time. I may not like their ways or some of their decisions but I either grow to like it or get over it. My love is unflappable for them tho. The kind of shit that warms me and keeps me confident cuz I know no mistake is too great. They know ME. They may not know everything about what I do. No one will because I believe everybody needs a part of them that no one knows but they know all of me that I share. I need them. Scary but I wouldn't change it.

I gotta jump. I may fly. I may falter. Here goes.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm at a cross road. I want to move bottom line. I wish to just go cruise around my city in search for a vacancy. Paying my first and last and then seeing what will happen from there. Every week I get ready to do it. While I'm driving I just rationalize with myself. "Your close to saving your 10 g's. Wait til you get that promotion. Wait and see if the G band bill passes." Then the devil's advocate pops up in my head. "Just go for it. If you can make it now then if you come across extra money you will be cool. What if all the affordable spots get jumped on while you sit and come up with excuses not to make the move?" When I think about it, I have more reasons to leave than I have to stay.

For one, it was a personal goal to be independent by 22. Always has been. I had plans on being graduated from college and on my own. I figured I wouldn't have my dream job. Partly because of the economy, mostly because I don't have a dream job. I have a dream lifestyle. My vision is to be able to pay on bills and be done with school. That's it. Nothing more nothing less. I will be out of here by March but the graduation thing will have to wait unfortunately. I'm not tripping because my goals are ambitious and even if I don't reach them I'm still above average.

For two, I really think absence from my home will improve my relationship with my grandmother. It's wack right now. We say hello. Exchange a few sentences and then our doors close. I'm gonna take most of the responsibility for us being this way. It stems from my youth tho. She has always been good to me but our relationship has always been a certain way. I've always chilled in my sister's shadow. I'm sure at one point it bothered me. As I've matured I became content in that shadow. My sister left for college and to fill the void she tried to shine a little light on me. I'm used to the shadow so the light is too hot for me. I don't want it and that makes us both feel some kind of way.

For three, my sister is on her way back home. She's not happy about it. Which is understandable. I'm not happy about it and its pretty fucked up. I don't have a problem with sharing the space that I've come accustom to. My problem lies in the fact that I know I will be put in positions that will cause arguments. I know I will be asked to sacrifice things that I will not be willing to. Over the past 5 years I have grown. I don't know if my sister noticed during her visits or not but I no longer yearn for her love, approval, or affection. I used to jump through hoops for her only to be disappointed when I wasn't good enough. Those days are gone. I know at the first disagreement she will run to grandma and I will be cast in the familiar role of villain. I'm not even trying to ruin my relationship with my grandmother or hurt her feelings. But I can't be anybodies bitch up in here either.

These are my top three reasons to roll.

The only thing keeping here is comfort and the fact that I don't want to be like my sister. I can go without. I'm used to it. And only 2% of me thinks that I can be anything like my sister. I just don't think I could be that weak.

I guess it's decided. I gotta jump.

Bout Time, Right?

So I should be doing an essay draft. I can't bring myself to do it because I hate the idea of some student that's paying the same cash as me to learn correcting my shit. I know it's just an assignment but I take their corrections personally even though I don't revise the paper. I just turn it in like it is. Anywho, I decided to procrastinate by updating the music on this blog. I was tired of hearing the same songs and I'm sure my few followers was too. By the way I love yall! I try to comment on your blogs. Comments get me geeked so I'm sure other bloggers feel the same. And on to the new music.

Jesse Boykins III - Sunstar

I absolutely adore this song and most of his music. I'm made that his CD is only availible in digital format but that's neither here nor there. The video for this song is set in South Beach and it's fitting because this song just makes me think of summer nights. One in particular. I went to a movie with a boy I was crushing this summer and this song came on. He was like, "I aint wit all this R&B but dis a smoov ass nigga." I can't help but do my lil groove when certain songs come on. I do it while driving and it gives off the impression that I'm nice on the dance floor (which is a total lie). The crush was like, "Look at her! We got a groover." I taught him my dance and now when I see him around he does it.

Teena Marie - Oooh La La La

I'm not sure but I think I've already put this song in a mix but I really do love it. It's another song that makes me do my groove. First off Lady T is a LEGEND in my mind. I swear I be thanking Rick James for having the vision to take on Teena Marie. I can't imagine her coming out with anyone else. They were music magic soul mates. They were made for each other. Anywho, she absolutely KILLS this song. During the breakdown she holds a note throughout her whole coversation. Who the hell does that? I timed it and she holds it for 15 seconds! Thats nuts. And then you add her convo with the sax and I will play this song everytime. I really don't have to say no more about it though. Yall know this shit is great and if you don't agree then click that red x in the corner.

Chrisette Michele - What You Do

Everyone can tell this song was written and produced by Neyo. Hate or love it that boy has a formula and he sticks to it. You can't deny his talent or her voice. I love Chrisette's distinctive voice. I feel like it's going to carry her for a lot of years. I don't know why but I constantly have deja vu of me and some man celebrating our 25th anniversary on a cruise and she is a part of the entertainment. I imagine her singing "Mr. Radio" and I'm there two stepping my heart out. (This is why I people think I have a problem. I always take things really far and off topic.) Back to topic, this song speaks the truth though. I'm a believer in actions speaking louder than words. People who know me no that this is true because I don't believe what people say, I'd rather you just come on thru with the action. I'm even really careful with my words and commitments because I know I change and so do other people. Ummm yeah tho, the song is sick though.

Teedra Moses - Take My Love Away

I stan for her. Point. Blank. Perieod. I've been on this song for some years now and lately I don't skip it when it comes on in the car. Her voice is so damn smooth and the piano is flowing on the track. The story is one that I think that every woman has or will be able to relate to. Sometimes relationships get in a rut and things become mundane. You seem to argue over the same thing and people promise change and break them and what was once love turns to resentment. She is talking about letting the relationship simmer down before all feelings fade. In some instances is better to have some than all or none. I dig that.

Jesse Boykins III - I Care 4 U

This year some neo soul artist released a tribute album to Aaliyah to remeber her. Everyone put their own spin on some of my favorites. Some I could vibe with, and some I wish went untouched. I Care 4 U is one of my favorite tracks. I love what he did with the track. I'm mad that I couldn't get the full version of the song but the snippet is a good representaton of the full song.

Let's Put it Out There

I went to see "Good Hair" today and I loved it. It talked about the hair industry good and bad. One thing I appreciated is that even though he exposed some rather ludicrous aspects of black women and our hair, Chris Rock never once made the women feel less than about the choices they made with their hair. In my personal opinion he should have went hard on them women who was perming the babies head. That was kind of heart breaking but in the end that's not my daughter and if Lord ever saw fit for me to have a daughter it will never be. I don't care how nappy my daughters hair may be if ever she perms it will be under her own will as an adult. But this is not a critique of the film, community, or my veiws on hair and what it represents.

The realest quote from the movie came from Ice T of all people. "If a woman aint happy with herself she aint gone do nothing but bring pain to every fuckin body around her." Notice this comment isn't race specific, but it is gender inclusive, and it can be applied to everyone. It is human nature for people to find some company for their misery. With that said I'm going to go ahead and state my piece.

As women we subject ourselves to some off the wall shit for the sake of achieving something that we don't naturally have. The love-hate affair that women have with their hair has been disected, documented, criticized, debated, and flipped inside out. Everyone says that a woman who chooses to weave or straighten their hair is trying to assimilate to Eurocentric standards of beauty and so on and so forth. That's cool. You have some valid points, but this shoe fits another foot. It's time to flip the script. Come on down off your pedestal becuase you have your green eyed monster too.

What is it called when the white woman visit's her locoal nip/tuck specialist to gain fuller lips, fuller bottoms, and fuller breast? It is called body motification or "slef - enhancement". Give us our credit please. White women long for the exotic features that derive from Africa, yet when they gain them there is no mention of them trying to assimilate to Afrocentric standards of beauty. What is the difference between a butt enhancement and a sew in weave? Both parties are trying to recreate some asthetically pleasing trait of another culture and are in search of... I use ellipses because I have no clue what these women are trying to attain, and in some cases neither do they. I didn't draw this parallel to suggest one act as right and the other as wrong. I'm just saying no one has room to judge, critique, or codemn. Everybody has eyes their are green with envy. Everyone has a distored sense of self.

"Work in Progress"

He is applauded

he is condemned

THEY duck & dodge bullets

He volunteered in

he lookin for a way out

THEY both wont see 30

He will be burried with a flag

he will be burried with a rag

BOTH victims of environment

He's an American soldier

he's your ghetto hoodlum