How often do you get what you want?

I was on facebook one day talking to one of my coworkers. Every so often we go back in forth in my comment section and I'm always amazed by him. He is so much deeper than I ever would peg him to be. I mentioned how I'm not much of a competitor. I said, "I always manage to get what I need." He questioned, "It's cool to get what you need, but how often do you get what you want?" As I stared at the question on my screen I seriously thought about it. When it comes to goals where all I have to do is "A, B, and C" I'm going to get it done. When it's just me standing in between myself and the goal I'm never going to hold myself back. If it's a job I'm going to get it. If it's a grade I'm going to get it. Even then I don't strive to do it better than everybody else doing it, I just strive to get it done. When it comes to matters of other people I will often take the L. If I want something and someone else wants the same thing I will just let them have it. I don't know if it's a feeling of inferiority because I never feel less than the next person. I just know that I can do without. No matter what I'm going to be ok. I always want to see everyone succeed. In order to make this happen sometimes I sacrifice what I want. It's not always good because 8 out of 10 people operate with their own interest at heart. I don't want to compromise who I am as a person but if I want to get what I want and not just what I need a change may be necessary. Is it worth it though?

Doors Unlock From the Inside

Let me start this off by saying at the moment I'm ok with being single. Of course everyone covets what they don't have. I want a relationship. Not like the ones I see my peers in. I want something a little bit more pure. Something that takes time to build. A lot of people don't desire what I'm looking after and I'm not into trying force myself on anyone. So while I'm open to meeting people and letting them bring to my what they will, I'm not in a rush to give all of my greatness.

With that said I'm changing. I used to be a selfish person. I used to want everyone to reveal themselves to me while I gave very little of myself. I wanted to be catered to. The problem is that some men don't care to get to know you. They want to get it in and/or get lost. I don't have a problem with this. Do what you want get it how you live. I'd rather guys make their intentions known. I can make my decisions. If we aren't on the same page there is no need to waste anybody's time. (If you go back to early post you can read how much of a nuisance wasting my time is). I'm grown enough to know that sex isn't going to make a dude like or not like you. If I want to have sex with a man I'm going to do that as long as all of my screening goes through properly. I'm not going to have sex in hopes that a relationship will come from it. I'm not going to not have sex in hopes that a relationship will come from it. Those rules are just silly to me.

Now I just take every situation with the opposite sex for what it is. People always make their intentions true. I've just learned to take the ingredients that people give me and see what they gave me. If you give me lemons I'm not going to call it lemonade. I used to keep my doors locked and wonder why I was always inside and alone. I'm unlocking the door and allowing people in. I know there are chances that I will have to escort people back to where they came but hopefully I will be richer for the experience of opening my door in the first place.

A Quick Drop In

I'm truly falling in love with myself. I'm coming into my own as a young woman and I've noticed that my energy is a lot different. Trivial things just don't matter anymore. My life is moving in a positive direction and I appreciate all of the people and events that are being placed on my path with me. Letting go, and living.

Chance Meeting

I had a dream last night. I was shopping in Target and I ran into my mother. I was walking down the CD aisle. It was one more CD left and me and this woman reached for it at the same time. I recognized her hand. I followed her hand up to her arm and eventually her face. When our eyes met it was like I was staring at a more progressed version of myself. The woman I was staring at is the women that I imagine my mother would have been had she not gotten sick. She was healthy. She was independent. She was alive. I don't know what came over me but I collapsed in her arms. Tears exploded from my eyes as I my arms wrapped around her tight. My snotty nose didn't stop me from inhaling her millennia perfume. She calmly kissed my forehead, pulled her shades over her teary eyes and freed herself from my grasp. I wiped my eyes and she was gone.

A part of me wishes that I could just randomly run into my mother. It wouldn't matter to me that I went the last 10 years of my life without her. I wouldn't ask questions about where she went and why she left. I would just be grateful that she was mine again. I have so many conversations that I wish I could have but never will. So many apologies because I know there were times I could have been a better daughter. Now that I'm older and understand her sacrifices better I wish I could just tell her I appreciate her. I wish she was here after I got my first job so I could have given her a better present. I can't relive the past. I just go through the present sometimes. I'm sad when I think of all of the memories that will be one sided. I want her to meet the man I will marry. I want her opinion on him. I want her to hold my future child. When I wake up in cold sweats with tears in my eyes from dreams like this, I know. I haven't dealt with this. Her funeral is a montage. I knew what death was. I knew I would never hear her voice. I knew I would never touch her again. I just never knew how much my life would change. I never knew how much she would cross my mind. I could never fathom how much I would miss her.

The Has Beens, The Wanna Bes, and the In Crowd

I recently spent a little time by myself and reflected on my life and what I want to make of it. Living life has rudely awaken me from my pleasant little dream world that I created. I used to believe that good people always got their way because the world appreciated them and everything they offered. I used to daydream about all types great futures. If my dreams came to fruition by this time in my life I would be staying in a penthouse suite on the beach with a fly ass beamer. I would be engaged by now to a picture perfect man who was gainfully employed and only had eyes for me. Thoughts like this are has beens. I don't even dream these kinds of dreams. I've let them go. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect life. I'm grown enough to know that even though life isn't fair or perfect I can still be perfectly happy.

I now have realistic goals for where I want to be in life and a plan to get there. I want to make a decent living and I want to be happy. These days I desire intangible things. I truly just want to be happy and true happiness can't be achieved through material things. I just want to find a career that I can enjoy and live comfortably with. I want to have a healthy family one day. I really don't think I'm asking for much. I just want my fork full of this American pie. This is where I wanna be.

I'm apart of this crowd. A crowd of people just trying to find their way in the world. It's a fine line between working toward your future and forgetting to live out your present. I'm caught up between living everyday like its my last while planning for my future. I really don't know which one to focus more on. After all I very well could die tomorrow (Lord forbid) and all I will have done is tried to do good while not making all of the impacts I could have made because I was worried about a future I will never get. Our I could live everyday like its my last and end up dying at 100, either way I will have nothing to show for it. I just have to find a way to get what I want. I may never figure out but I will keep living. I'm sure something great will come of it.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes my dreams get totally out of hand and I end up where I am at this moment. I have so much going on that nothing is happening. There aren't enough hours in my day and I really need to slow the fuck down and make something happen. My time is spent doing things I don't want to do and this strangles my spirit. Nobody ever told me growing up would do me like this, but with the gift of life comes the curse of struggle. Somehow you have to get through it and I'm going to manage. In life there are no do overs so I'm not going to have regrets but I do admit that I've made some mistakes. No lie, I've been humbled and I'm sure there is a reason for me having stumbled the way I have. Right now I'm dealing with it the best I can. I need help but I'm going to rely on me. I don't consider myself a prideful individual.... I have pride but I behave the way I do because I have major trust issues. I tend not to reach out to others. It's not that I don't want to seem weak, I know that I am human and I love the fact that I'm flawed. It's because I don't want to be dependent. I have a fear of everything being snatched from me. I never really dealt with losing my mother but that taught me that nothing in this world is truly mine. Literally any and everything you have right now can be gone in the matter of minutes. I appreciate everyone, every instance, and every experience in my life from a distance. The whole while I'm in that moment, I'm preparing for when the situation will change and that's not what it is anymore. I never allow myself to forget life before "this" came to be because it's how I deal when "this" is gone. I want to change. I kind of have to unless I want to die alone, but I still have some work to do with myself before I can take on the task of getting over these attachment issues.

Right now I have to begrudgingly put some of my dreams to the side and be an adult. I have to handle my business in school because it truly is my ticket out of my current situation. My job isn't the worst but I'm not going to continue to put up with all the bullshit I put up, especially since I don't ever see myself achieving the lifestyle I want here. I've probably hit my own personal ceiling and I'm closer to depression than I am to happiness. I don't consider myself to be an idiot. I see something in my life that I don't like so I have to do something about it. I know what I don't want and this is it. Knowing what I do want is where shit gets fuzzy. I know I want to be comfortable. I don't want to be filthy rich but I definitely don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I'm living that life right now and let me tell you, it ain't the shit. I want shit that you can't buy. I want things that are intangible. I want happiness. I'm not depressed but I can't say I'm content with where I am in life right now either. I've outgrown this space and now I'm ready for something different. Some soul searching is in my near future. I need clarity.

*insert WTF face here*

At this point in my life I just refuse to have lame sex. I'm just not going to settle for it. My last partner was by far the lamest I have ever had in life. He's was a cool guy even with all his hang ups, but sexually? It wasn't there. He was a stubborn guy who thought he knew all there was to know in the bedroom. I'm not even going to go into detail on his anatomy. I'm just gonna say that it was a learning experience. I could have gone whole life time without wasting time with him. I'll take responsibility for that. I didn't take the time to access the situation before taking a chance and diving right in.

Here is the light bulb that went off in my head. Men are not hard to come by. Men are not hard to get in the bed with. Men are easy, bottom line. So why should a young lady like me rush into anything? There is nothing worse to me than having unfufulling sex. I mean, after wack sex, I just don't give a fuck if I ever see you again. Quite honestly your only place in my life is to provide me that great physical release. I have to explain myself. I don't want to seem like someone who just disregard people's feelings and is evil. When it's a sex situation it's usually a mutual decision. The man doesn't want a relationship with me and vice versa. It's just a sexual curiosity and we want to explore it. It's understood that we want to push each other to our physical limits and go on and live our separate lives. Now when this is the only purpose of our knowing each other and you can't even hold up to your end of the bargain, you damn straight I'm going to be upset.

To avoid these types of situations I've learned to take heed to the warning signs. I'm not pressed for anything. If the dude is pressed then he can go on his way. I'm painfully patient for what it is that I really want. When I have my mind made up I will settle for nothing less. Sometimes I suffer for my ways but the reward is way worth it. Besides the consequences of rushed sex are far to dire for me to just say "fuck it" and go at it. Say I just take whatever is thrown at me and end up with a baby or life changing disease, for a wack lay, when all I had to do was exhibit some patience and do a little screening? So I had a new prospect. He was older and seemed to be about business. Sexually, he was immature and it only took a few conversations to realize that he wasn't what I was looking for.

He was a little scary when I mentioned certain things which let me know that I was on a level that he wasn't trying to reach. The straw that broke the camel's back was this text: "I guess I'm an Indian Giver when it comes to. Somethings...I feel I should get head off top and if I want to give u head I eventually...I guess I've been spoiled" *INSERT WTF FACE HERE* I almost called him and went off. I slowed down and tried to rationalize his thought process. I just couldn't. I just responded: "Well I hope that all works out for you. Good luck with school and what not" The old me would have deleted his number without even as much as a response to his ignorant ass text. I just let him go his way though. He's just a selfish lover. That's not his fault. He's been with women that don't demand satisfaction in their sex life and as far as I'm concerned we would never click. I just imagine him humping and sweating over me for about 3 minutes before rolling over with a full condom to go to sleep. I'm not some 15 year old virgin and this would never fly. I'm cracking up as I write this because I just can't fathom that grown men still had this mindset. I was cool with just moving on but I still get random flirty text messages from him. I don't respond anymore.