A Quick Drop In

I'm truly falling in love with myself. I'm coming into my own as a young woman and I've noticed that my energy is a lot different. Trivial things just don't matter anymore. My life is moving in a positive direction and I appreciate all of the people and events that are being placed on my path with me. Letting go, and living.

Chance Meeting

I had a dream last night. I was shopping in Target and I ran into my mother. I was walking down the CD aisle. It was one more CD left and me and this woman reached for it at the same time. I recognized her hand. I followed her hand up to her arm and eventually her face. When our eyes met it was like I was staring at a more progressed version of myself. The woman I was staring at is the women that I imagine my mother would have been had she not gotten sick. She was healthy. She was independent. She was alive. I don't know what came over me but I collapsed in her arms. Tears exploded from my eyes as I my arms wrapped around her tight. My snotty nose didn't stop me from inhaling her millennia perfume. She calmly kissed my forehead, pulled her shades over her teary eyes and freed herself from my grasp. I wiped my eyes and she was gone.

A part of me wishes that I could just randomly run into my mother. It wouldn't matter to me that I went the last 10 years of my life without her. I wouldn't ask questions about where she went and why she left. I would just be grateful that she was mine again. I have so many conversations that I wish I could have but never will. So many apologies because I know there were times I could have been a better daughter. Now that I'm older and understand her sacrifices better I wish I could just tell her I appreciate her. I wish she was here after I got my first job so I could have given her a better present. I can't relive the past. I just go through the present sometimes. I'm sad when I think of all of the memories that will be one sided. I want her to meet the man I will marry. I want her opinion on him. I want her to hold my future child. When I wake up in cold sweats with tears in my eyes from dreams like this, I know. I haven't dealt with this. Her funeral is a montage. I knew what death was. I knew I would never hear her voice. I knew I would never touch her again. I just never knew how much my life would change. I never knew how much she would cross my mind. I could never fathom how much I would miss her.

The Has Beens, The Wanna Bes, and the In Crowd

I recently spent a little time by myself and reflected on my life and what I want to make of it. Living life has rudely awaken me from my pleasant little dream world that I created. I used to believe that good people always got their way because the world appreciated them and everything they offered. I used to daydream about all types great futures. If my dreams came to fruition by this time in my life I would be staying in a penthouse suite on the beach with a fly ass beamer. I would be engaged by now to a picture perfect man who was gainfully employed and only had eyes for me. Thoughts like this are has beens. I don't even dream these kinds of dreams. I've let them go. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect life. I'm grown enough to know that even though life isn't fair or perfect I can still be perfectly happy.

I now have realistic goals for where I want to be in life and a plan to get there. I want to make a decent living and I want to be happy. These days I desire intangible things. I truly just want to be happy and true happiness can't be achieved through material things. I just want to find a career that I can enjoy and live comfortably with. I want to have a healthy family one day. I really don't think I'm asking for much. I just want my fork full of this American pie. This is where I wanna be.

I'm apart of this crowd. A crowd of people just trying to find their way in the world. It's a fine line between working toward your future and forgetting to live out your present. I'm caught up between living everyday like its my last while planning for my future. I really don't know which one to focus more on. After all I very well could die tomorrow (Lord forbid) and all I will have done is tried to do good while not making all of the impacts I could have made because I was worried about a future I will never get. Our I could live everyday like its my last and end up dying at 100, either way I will have nothing to show for it. I just have to find a way to get what I want. I may never figure out but I will keep living. I'm sure something great will come of it.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes my dreams get totally out of hand and I end up where I am at this moment. I have so much going on that nothing is happening. There aren't enough hours in my day and I really need to slow the fuck down and make something happen. My time is spent doing things I don't want to do and this strangles my spirit. Nobody ever told me growing up would do me like this, but with the gift of life comes the curse of struggle. Somehow you have to get through it and I'm going to manage. In life there are no do overs so I'm not going to have regrets but I do admit that I've made some mistakes. No lie, I've been humbled and I'm sure there is a reason for me having stumbled the way I have. Right now I'm dealing with it the best I can. I need help but I'm going to rely on me. I don't consider myself a prideful individual.... I have pride but I behave the way I do because I have major trust issues. I tend not to reach out to others. It's not that I don't want to seem weak, I know that I am human and I love the fact that I'm flawed. It's because I don't want to be dependent. I have a fear of everything being snatched from me. I never really dealt with losing my mother but that taught me that nothing in this world is truly mine. Literally any and everything you have right now can be gone in the matter of minutes. I appreciate everyone, every instance, and every experience in my life from a distance. The whole while I'm in that moment, I'm preparing for when the situation will change and that's not what it is anymore. I never allow myself to forget life before "this" came to be because it's how I deal when "this" is gone. I want to change. I kind of have to unless I want to die alone, but I still have some work to do with myself before I can take on the task of getting over these attachment issues.

Right now I have to begrudgingly put some of my dreams to the side and be an adult. I have to handle my business in school because it truly is my ticket out of my current situation. My job isn't the worst but I'm not going to continue to put up with all the bullshit I put up, especially since I don't ever see myself achieving the lifestyle I want here. I've probably hit my own personal ceiling and I'm closer to depression than I am to happiness. I don't consider myself to be an idiot. I see something in my life that I don't like so I have to do something about it. I know what I don't want and this is it. Knowing what I do want is where shit gets fuzzy. I know I want to be comfortable. I don't want to be filthy rich but I definitely don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I'm living that life right now and let me tell you, it ain't the shit. I want shit that you can't buy. I want things that are intangible. I want happiness. I'm not depressed but I can't say I'm content with where I am in life right now either. I've outgrown this space and now I'm ready for something different. Some soul searching is in my near future. I need clarity.

*insert WTF face here*

At this point in my life I just refuse to have lame sex. I'm just not going to settle for it. My last partner was by far the lamest I have ever had in life. He's was a cool guy even with all his hang ups, but sexually? It wasn't there. He was a stubborn guy who thought he knew all there was to know in the bedroom. I'm not even going to go into detail on his anatomy. I'm just gonna say that it was a learning experience. I could have gone whole life time without wasting time with him. I'll take responsibility for that. I didn't take the time to access the situation before taking a chance and diving right in.

Here is the light bulb that went off in my head. Men are not hard to come by. Men are not hard to get in the bed with. Men are easy, bottom line. So why should a young lady like me rush into anything? There is nothing worse to me than having unfufulling sex. I mean, after wack sex, I just don't give a fuck if I ever see you again. Quite honestly your only place in my life is to provide me that great physical release. I have to explain myself. I don't want to seem like someone who just disregard people's feelings and is evil. When it's a sex situation it's usually a mutual decision. The man doesn't want a relationship with me and vice versa. It's just a sexual curiosity and we want to explore it. It's understood that we want to push each other to our physical limits and go on and live our separate lives. Now when this is the only purpose of our knowing each other and you can't even hold up to your end of the bargain, you damn straight I'm going to be upset.

To avoid these types of situations I've learned to take heed to the warning signs. I'm not pressed for anything. If the dude is pressed then he can go on his way. I'm painfully patient for what it is that I really want. When I have my mind made up I will settle for nothing less. Sometimes I suffer for my ways but the reward is way worth it. Besides the consequences of rushed sex are far to dire for me to just say "fuck it" and go at it. Say I just take whatever is thrown at me and end up with a baby or life changing disease, for a wack lay, when all I had to do was exhibit some patience and do a little screening? So I had a new prospect. He was older and seemed to be about business. Sexually, he was immature and it only took a few conversations to realize that he wasn't what I was looking for.

He was a little scary when I mentioned certain things which let me know that I was on a level that he wasn't trying to reach. The straw that broke the camel's back was this text: "I guess I'm an Indian Giver when it comes to. Somethings...I feel I should get head off top and if I want to give u head I eventually...I guess I've been spoiled" *INSERT WTF FACE HERE* I almost called him and went off. I slowed down and tried to rationalize his thought process. I just couldn't. I just responded: "Well I hope that all works out for you. Good luck with school and what not" The old me would have deleted his number without even as much as a response to his ignorant ass text. I just let him go his way though. He's just a selfish lover. That's not his fault. He's been with women that don't demand satisfaction in their sex life and as far as I'm concerned we would never click. I just imagine him humping and sweating over me for about 3 minutes before rolling over with a full condom to go to sleep. I'm not some 15 year old virgin and this would never fly. I'm cracking up as I write this because I just can't fathom that grown men still had this mindset. I was cool with just moving on but I still get random flirty text messages from him. I don't respond anymore.

On to the Next...

Dating....Dating....Dating. I'm just reflecting on this Summer and although I don't have a solid relationship at the moment I've learned a lot about this dating thing. There are a few things I just refuse to stress and harp over because I've come to this crazy realization: THERE IS ALWAYS A NEXT. Always. I've been single for a while. I'm not going to sit here and say that it's the shit but it definitely isn't the worst situation that I could find myself in. It gets really annoying that you go through this stage of dating only for things to not work out and you feel like you wasted a shitload of time and energy. Then when you least expect it you find yourself in the same situation all over again.

As many situations as I've had that didn't go my way I always love starting over. I love when possibility makes me giddy. Every moment is highly anticipated and this new man's every move is intriguing to me. I love the torture of sculpting every text message and anticipating his response, spending time together here and there to pick up on traits, making plans for future outings, debating on when the right time is to test the sexual waters, just all in all having a good time and seeing what becomes of it.

Right now I'm at the point where I'm starting all over. Just taking things as they come and not trying to get so involved. I'm learning to do things at my own pace. I have yet to master the art of not putting all your eggs in one basket. I would love to just be able to have a different date for each night but that just isn't my reality. It's mostly because I don't have all the time in the world and I'm picky. As fate would have it I'm not always interested in the guys that are interested in me. Like a guy I don't just settle for whatever falls off of the branch after I shake it. I usually hone in on the one I'm after and take it from there. If I get to know him and all things seem like a go then I move. If he pays me no mind then I move on. I will continue to play this game until I have a mutual feeling about a man and we decide that both of us are ready and worthy of committing to each other. Only time will tell if this game has winners and losers and which team I will be on....

Keep the Change

Not all change is good and some is not worth making. Every so often life puts in a situation where I just want to give up on my personal values and just say fuck it and join the ways of the world. For brief moments in time I become the people I see getting what I want even though they aren't "righteous". When I say "righteous" I don't mean religiously virtuous, I mean they just didn't regard anyone else's feelings but their own. I'm not going to say that I'm Mother Teresa but some principles I refuse to break no matter what I can gain. I just feel like nothing is worth the compromise. All though I've been tempted to do things that others do, or things I'm already accused of, I know better. What is or isn't in my heart is or isn't for me to do? You follow?

Everyday I am faced with a decision to change or stay true to myself. I try to mimic the grimeyness that others display but I can't quite rock it like them. It's just not in me to be conniving unless I'm pushed. I can't be malicious for no reason. I have to be personally attacked but that's rare because I rarely let people get close enough to for people to make me that mad. I just stop dealing with them way before they get to that point. They just cease to exist... but that aint what this is about. Point is if I don't fit in with what's going in I just don't try anymore. I rather get what's for me by staying true. I say all of this because this is one of the main reasons I need to get a new job.

The upward mobility is cool but I feel like I have a glass ceiling that's capping my potential. I'm not the type of person that was built for this job. I don't conform easily. All of my beliefs are carefully crafted and I'm stubborn about them. I don't believe any amount of money is worth doing things just because that's how they have been done. There are people in leadership positions that see the system is failed but they are so afraid to try something new that their is no innovation. Without innovation you are bound to fail. And in my industry failure literally equals death. They just trudge a long doing the same them and treating their SOP like bibles. I'm sorry but I'm not going to dumb myself down. I'm not going to forsake common sense in the name of compliance. Supervisors tell me all the time that if I made a few changes I could be one of them. The trip is they used to be just like me. Then they got power and the rules and perspective changed for them. Not saying I knock them, but that change you can keep.