Keep the Change

Not all change is good and some is not worth making. Every so often life puts in a situation where I just want to give up on my personal values and just say fuck it and join the ways of the world. For brief moments in time I become the people I see getting what I want even though they aren't "righteous". When I say "righteous" I don't mean religiously virtuous, I mean they just didn't regard anyone else's feelings but their own. I'm not going to say that I'm Mother Teresa but some principles I refuse to break no matter what I can gain. I just feel like nothing is worth the compromise. All though I've been tempted to do things that others do, or things I'm already accused of, I know better. What is or isn't in my heart is or isn't for me to do? You follow?

Everyday I am faced with a decision to change or stay true to myself. I try to mimic the grimeyness that others display but I can't quite rock it like them. It's just not in me to be conniving unless I'm pushed. I can't be malicious for no reason. I have to be personally attacked but that's rare because I rarely let people get close enough to for people to make me that mad. I just stop dealing with them way before they get to that point. They just cease to exist... but that aint what this is about. Point is if I don't fit in with what's going in I just don't try anymore. I rather get what's for me by staying true. I say all of this because this is one of the main reasons I need to get a new job.

The upward mobility is cool but I feel like I have a glass ceiling that's capping my potential. I'm not the type of person that was built for this job. I don't conform easily. All of my beliefs are carefully crafted and I'm stubborn about them. I don't believe any amount of money is worth doing things just because that's how they have been done. There are people in leadership positions that see the system is failed but they are so afraid to try something new that their is no innovation. Without innovation you are bound to fail. And in my industry failure literally equals death. They just trudge a long doing the same them and treating their SOP like bibles. I'm sorry but I'm not going to dumb myself down. I'm not going to forsake common sense in the name of compliance. Supervisors tell me all the time that if I made a few changes I could be one of them. The trip is they used to be just like me. Then they got power and the rules and perspective changed for them. Not saying I knock them, but that change you can keep.

On Some Simp Shit....

I want to fall in love.

My Coke Went Flat

Today my coke went flat. Shit was great when it was bubbly but you know what happens when you leave it out too long. That's right, it goes flat. I called this Coke because he was my first choice. Sure we have our Pepsi, which is a serviceable alternative. Then we have our Root Beer which you wouldn't drink for the world. Currently I've been an exclusive Coke drinker. Now I'm back to water. I'm not fuckin with Pepsi cuz that doesn't get me any closer to what I desire. I usually mask my feelings behind metaphors. It expresses what I want to say while keeping my feelings private. Part of me wants to rant about how fucked up I feel but pride won't let me. I will say this, the Coke went flat and gave me the hiccups but I hope he quenches the next girls thirst.

Work Relationships

You ever feel like you know more than you ever desired to know about your coworkers outside life? People get too damn comfortable for me these days. There is no way I should know that you only give your dude head on "special occasions" (yes I'm judging you). There is no way I should know that you are a grown ass man with a 10 year old child that still lives with your father. I don't even talk to my best friend about this type of shit so I surely don't want to hear it from you. If you want to hear yourself talk then by all means I will pretend to listen.

Here is where I have the problem. There comes a point in these conversations where I am awakened out of my thoughts by a coworker staring in my mouth waiting for me to say something. At some point I realize that they are waiting for me to go ahead and put my business in the air. I just look at them with a blank look on my face. It's that I have the most exciting life in the world, I just don't want them to know what I do. I'm just here to get my check and roll bounce. I don't give two fucks about you after I clock out. It's crazy to me that when you think about it, work forces us to coexist with people that we would never be in the same room with them if it wasn't for our need for this check. Let's not forget this.

...And Life Will Find A Way to Humble You

When it comes to moving on, I usually get my way. Before a few months ago, every job I've applied for was mine. I don't know why, but getting jobs has always been rather easy for me. Now things are different. Now things are difficult. Now things are frustrating. Now, the shit is real. (I'm aware that shit can get realer tho) I do not like my current employment. My feelings are not secret and can't be minced. Besides my check there is only one other positive that I can think of right now. I'm desperately searching for a way out. Not up the ladder but completely off it. This job has great upwards mobility but I just can't see myself doing this until I retire. I want something different. I've been applying for all types of shit. Some of it I don't even know what the job requires but if it pays enough for me to continue my current lifestyle I'm applying.

Now it seems like I'm grasping at straws. I KNOW I'm supposed to be learning a lesson from these current failures. I'm not always sure what these lessons are but I don't mind the failures as long as I'm learning. As I look at myself I see where I need to be improved. I needed to be humbled. There is a fine line between confidence and cockiness. I was to the left of cocky. I know I can do any job out there. The cockiness came when I felt I didn't have to prove it. I know I can be more appreciative. I have a problem with authority. I know I'm smarter than most of my "superiors". When people can't answer my simplest of questions I lose respect, and just like spoken words can't be undone, lost respect can't be found. The difference between them and I is they played the game and got to level 3. I'm still at level 2.

So personally, I'm doing pretty good but I'm far from satisfied. I can't act like everything is everything when clearly it isn't. I do however need to take a minute to evaluate my faults and fix them. I may feel like the world is against me, but it isn't. There are just some lessons I need to learn. I need to find my goals and go get them. Right now I'm just a black girl lost. There is a branch swaying in the wind and every time I come close to grasping it...the wind changes direction. So as I push through this change of scenery with another door closed I keep telling myself, "What is deterred is not denied." Just when I was about to play the woe is me card my friend told me, "Night is darkest right before dawn." Shit like that is why I have so much love, respect, and appreciation for this dude. But that's for another post....actually I could make a whole 'nother blog for that nigga....

What Are You Afraid Of?....

I need to really check myself sometimes. I've been really patient. I've found something within my reach that I've been waiting for, for all my adult life. It's this dude that I start to like more and more with each moment we spend together, yet I find myself scared. It's really immature of me because I'm blogging these feelings when I could and should be telling him. I should be telling him that when I'm listening to him talk I just want to kiss him. I should be telling him that he changed my views of caking. I should be showing him the person I claim to be. It's hard to go against your human nature. I'm guarded because I'm so sensitive. Now it's time tho. I just gotta close my eyes and bite the bullet. What am I afraid of....

Difficult

Met this dude named Difficult
They say he's hard to get
When you got it figured out
He goes a different route
They pucker up and dumb it down
Just to get his attention
They do more for him than I'm willing to mention
I got my chance
I thought it over and got it done
This dude is easy
Fuck this nigga
The battle's won


After I conquered him, he tried to diss my confidence
"You got me good, wait til you meet Impossible
I look up to him
He taught me everything I know"
I had to laugh at the audacity of this nigga
Thinkin he can shake me cuz he claim his fam is bigger
Little does he know I'm wreckless, I don't just give respect
I just looked at him, rolled my eyes and said "next"...