Sunday, March 28, 2010
Reality vs Perception
I think that we all have perceptions of ourselves that is ultimately the person that we want to be. One of life's simple pleasures is becoming more like the person you dream you are. It's called evolving. In reality I think I'm at a cool place in life but I know that I want and will be so much more. The me I am in my mind isn't so damn analytical. Everything I do is such a fuckin chess game which an annoying battle that I have to fight with myself. If I could just be more daring I'd be closer to the me I want to be. I don't want to be this boring and safe person my whole life. It's time I start taking the advice I give. Fuck it. I got one life and it's mine to live.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Dreamgirl
So I'm in a situation. My friend, who I will call Guy 1, told me something crazy last week. He told me his friend, who I will call Guy 2, had a dream that we fucked. I used to work with Guy 2 and him a guy Guy 1 are not only friends but room mates. So anywho, Guy 2 is the kind of guy I wouldn't consider for anything other than a cool ass coworker. Not even sex. Not because he is ugly, he is very attractive, but because he is cocky and very loud. I'm more of a low key individual when it comes to what I do behind closed doors (or wherever the intimate act takes place). That's why I choose my sexual partners carefully because I have to trust them to do what I do. You would think I was famous and people actually cared about my personal life the way I guard that shit. Could be why people mumbled gay rumors about me at my old place of work.
Anyways after Guy 1 told me that I didn't think much of it. I just shrugged it off and went on about my life. Fast forward to a few days ago. I was at the gym talkin to Guy 1 when he told me of Guy 2's intentions to make his dream a reality. The trip part is that I wouldn't even humor Guy 2 in that way because I know it would just be some one night stand shit. Just some shit that I would do to say I did. I'll admit I seen dudes print in the break room when we used to work together. If my mind wasn't playing tricks on me then I would say dude is packin. But I already have that at my disposal so that's never gonna make me jump on. I'm not against fulfilling my curiosities about dudes on a one night adventure but the thing is I've never had such a curiosity for Guy 2. I do however have a curiosity for Guy 1. But it's a little more than a curiosity. I'm actually really feeling Guy 1.
The thing is Guy 1 has a girl. And although I don't see them making it to the summer I know that I'm not on his radar like that. We just friends and I dig that because he is a great friend to me. He may never feel me like that but on the off chance that he does I don't want the fact that I smashed his roomie to stop any potential progress. I swear that when Andre 3000 made "Prototype" he was lookin into my future. I understood that song when it came out but now I FEEL that shit. But just because Guy 1 is who he is, I can't be Guy 2's jumpoff and he can't be mine. I'm flattered tho, real talk Guy 2.
Anyways after Guy 1 told me that I didn't think much of it. I just shrugged it off and went on about my life. Fast forward to a few days ago. I was at the gym talkin to Guy 1 when he told me of Guy 2's intentions to make his dream a reality. The trip part is that I wouldn't even humor Guy 2 in that way because I know it would just be some one night stand shit. Just some shit that I would do to say I did. I'll admit I seen dudes print in the break room when we used to work together. If my mind wasn't playing tricks on me then I would say dude is packin. But I already have that at my disposal so that's never gonna make me jump on. I'm not against fulfilling my curiosities about dudes on a one night adventure but the thing is I've never had such a curiosity for Guy 2. I do however have a curiosity for Guy 1. But it's a little more than a curiosity. I'm actually really feeling Guy 1.
The thing is Guy 1 has a girl. And although I don't see them making it to the summer I know that I'm not on his radar like that. We just friends and I dig that because he is a great friend to me. He may never feel me like that but on the off chance that he does I don't want the fact that I smashed his roomie to stop any potential progress. I swear that when Andre 3000 made "Prototype" he was lookin into my future. I understood that song when it came out but now I FEEL that shit. But just because Guy 1 is who he is, I can't be Guy 2's jumpoff and he can't be mine. I'm flattered tho, real talk Guy 2.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Oh, She's the Homie...
I'm getting older and I find that I'm forever a homegirl and not the girlfriend. It's a crazy annoying spot to be in. I constantly listen to dudes and their relationship problems. They are forever wanting my point of view on shit. Some a couple of the dudes I really find myself liking. Those are the ones that sting me the most. It's like they put up with so much shit and I KNOW I can be the better girlfriend. I can't scream this to the guy because that's not how I roll. I'm not God and I can't give the blind sight. Then there are the others that I probably was feeling at some time in my past but after conversation and getting to know them my mind changed.
It sucks because on the outside one would think I have it all together and that's not true. I have all the elements to make a very good girlfriend. All of my male friends tell me that I would be a great girlfriend and don't believe I have a problem getting dudes. When they say these things I ask, "If I'm so great then why am I single? And why have you let me slip away? You always say you're looking for someone like me." When I ask I get an array of responses, such as, "I never really thought you would feel me like that." Or, "I thought you might be gay." (That one really does something to my soul but I've had two different dudes say that and more than a few females come out to me). Or my personal favorite, "You are the homie!" It's like what the fuck? Just because I like sports and can crack a few jokes with the best of them I have to stay in the friend zone?
I guess I'm just venting. I'm not going to change anything I don't want to or imitate the people who have what I want just to get what I want. I'm a late bloomer and a constant work in progress. I'm slowly finding myself and growing up. At this point in my life I'm becoming a better me. I'm not where I want to be but the person I am is catching up to the person I am in my dreams and that makes me ecstatic. I don't know what the future holds for my love life. I may be single for a long ass time and while I don't wish for it, I can handle it. I'm sure there is a great guy out there who can appreciate my complex simplicities. To quote Mulan, "The prettiest flowers always bloom last."
It sucks because on the outside one would think I have it all together and that's not true. I have all the elements to make a very good girlfriend. All of my male friends tell me that I would be a great girlfriend and don't believe I have a problem getting dudes. When they say these things I ask, "If I'm so great then why am I single? And why have you let me slip away? You always say you're looking for someone like me." When I ask I get an array of responses, such as, "I never really thought you would feel me like that." Or, "I thought you might be gay." (That one really does something to my soul but I've had two different dudes say that and more than a few females come out to me). Or my personal favorite, "You are the homie!" It's like what the fuck? Just because I like sports and can crack a few jokes with the best of them I have to stay in the friend zone?
I guess I'm just venting. I'm not going to change anything I don't want to or imitate the people who have what I want just to get what I want. I'm a late bloomer and a constant work in progress. I'm slowly finding myself and growing up. At this point in my life I'm becoming a better me. I'm not where I want to be but the person I am is catching up to the person I am in my dreams and that makes me ecstatic. I don't know what the future holds for my love life. I may be single for a long ass time and while I don't wish for it, I can handle it. I'm sure there is a great guy out there who can appreciate my complex simplicities. To quote Mulan, "The prettiest flowers always bloom last."
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Another Day, Another Year
So I made it to my 22nd year. Even though I'm determined to have a good day I realize things about the people closest to me. Even my most reliable of friends ain't shit. They said birds of a feather flock together which makes me think twice about the company I keep. Shout out to my family though. I'm not the best granddaughter but my grandmother was sweeter today to me than anyone else. My grandfather came thru for me too. I adore that man. Shit, even my father exceeded my expectations. I love him thick and thin, high and low. Year 22 and I'm reminded to rely on yourself cuz in the end you all you got. Happy Birthday to me.
That was on some emo shit but it's really how I feel at THIS VERY SECOND. I still appreciate every birthday text, call, wall post, and wish everyone gave me.
That was on some emo shit but it's really how I feel at THIS VERY SECOND. I still appreciate every birthday text, call, wall post, and wish everyone gave me.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Lately
Lately I've been checkin my blog just to get updates from the blogs I follow. I know that's bad but I don't think anyone is checking for me like I'm checking for them. I'll be back in a few...
On a quick side note: I said I would nvr date a dude I work with but I think someone is changing my mind. He says all the right shit AND his actions be adding up. Flaws and all I dig his ass. I think he thinks I'm just a cool ass that chick and that sucks cuz I know I'm what he's lookin for. He's just missing the trees to see the forest (or however that saying goes). So if you reading this and you feel me, just let me know and we can keep it on the low until we get out the terminal. If not just don't change...
On a quick side note: I said I would nvr date a dude I work with but I think someone is changing my mind. He says all the right shit AND his actions be adding up. Flaws and all I dig his ass. I think he thinks I'm just a cool ass that chick and that sucks cuz I know I'm what he's lookin for. He's just missing the trees to see the forest (or however that saying goes). So if you reading this and you feel me, just let me know and we can keep it on the low until we get out the terminal. If not just don't change...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Meet Mina...
*So this was supposed to be a quick short story but once I started flowing it evolved into something more. So I will post this in parts. Here is part 1*
I met this young woman while I was taking a break from filming. I was patronizing a local liquor store when I saw her make a drug deal. She couldn’t have been older than 16. I saw her pull a vial of crack, a red top, out of her poorly counterfeited Gucci purse. The addict tried to short the girl 2 dollars and she punched him right in the face and he pulled the crumpled up bills and gave them to her. “Don’t try that shit again, Lou!” she yelled. I wasn’t the only one in that store. I was, however, the only one disturbed. How is it that a young girl could openly sell hard narcotics to an elder at 11:15 on a Tuesday morning and no one thinks anything of it? She saw somebody she knew and hustled out of the store to catch up. Absent mindedly I ran after her, ignoring the store owner who wanted the money for the orange soda I had in my hand. It’s laughable now that I think of it. He let the little girl slang crack but was going to hound me for 80 fuckin cents.
I got up to her while she was with a group of older dudes. “Hey…. Hey…. Why aren’t you in school?” A big dude, who later I got to know as Ace, stepped up to me. “Yo, Mina who the fuck is this bitch?...” I felt disrespected but I was out of bounds. I would take being called a bitch and keeping my life over a brutal beating that was sure to be handed to me if I fought for my honor. You have to pick your battles, and I knew Ace would win every battle and eventually any war that we had. Mina looked at me and was like, “Some broad who been snooping around the hood lately. She always got some damn camera in her hand and these niggas is just crawling over themselves to be in front of it with they dumb ass. Up here acting like she in some 3rd world country doin films for national geographic or some shit.” I had been to 3rd world countries and little did she know, they had more in common than she could ever imagine. I dare not say that though. Mina was interesting to me. I wanted to get to know more about her. For some reason I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy task. She has a story and I wanted to hear it. “Can I interview you?” She laughed hard as hell. “Yo, Ace this bitch wants to interview me.” She turned her attention back to me, “Look. The last time I was interviewed was by a D.A. Needless to say I’m not fond of interviews. So you can take your camera and whatever story you’re trynna expose and go back to whatever ritzy neighborhood you hail from. Unless you giving my people money or jobs then please be on your way.” I knew this girl was bright. I just didn’t know how she ended up here. She was walking away but my curiosity wouldn’t allow me to just let her slip. As a documentarian by nature I am nosey. I also have a 6th sense about people who are put in my life to open my eyes. Mina was one of those people. “Look, no camera. Just me, you, and lunch.” She laughed. She seemed to think I was a comedian. “Bitch I’m not gay.” Now I was starting to become frustrated. “You ignorant cunt…” As soon as the words escaped my mouth I wished I could catch up to them and swallow them, but they were already in the atmosphere. The next thing I know Mina’s fist, adorned with two gold rings was buried in my cheek. She stared at me as I stumbled to catch my footing. When I got enough balance I lunged at her throat. One of her friends was going to attack me but Ace held her back. I got a few licks in before Mina shut my whole situation down. She grabbed me by the throat and pushed me up against the wall just like a man would. She drew back to hit me but something stopped her. She knew I wasn’t from here. She knew that I had no idea of how the streets worked and she pitied me for my ignorance. She let me go. She picked up her bag and I could hear her friends giving her a hard time for not finishing me off. I heard her say, “That’s the difference between you and me. I’m not breaking a sweat over no bitch.” I knew she was just putting up a front for her friends. Her eyes exposed her to me. I had to know the person behind her legend. I had to know Mina.
I met this young woman while I was taking a break from filming. I was patronizing a local liquor store when I saw her make a drug deal. She couldn’t have been older than 16. I saw her pull a vial of crack, a red top, out of her poorly counterfeited Gucci purse. The addict tried to short the girl 2 dollars and she punched him right in the face and he pulled the crumpled up bills and gave them to her. “Don’t try that shit again, Lou!” she yelled. I wasn’t the only one in that store. I was, however, the only one disturbed. How is it that a young girl could openly sell hard narcotics to an elder at 11:15 on a Tuesday morning and no one thinks anything of it? She saw somebody she knew and hustled out of the store to catch up. Absent mindedly I ran after her, ignoring the store owner who wanted the money for the orange soda I had in my hand. It’s laughable now that I think of it. He let the little girl slang crack but was going to hound me for 80 fuckin cents.
I got up to her while she was with a group of older dudes. “Hey…. Hey…. Why aren’t you in school?” A big dude, who later I got to know as Ace, stepped up to me. “Yo, Mina who the fuck is this bitch?...” I felt disrespected but I was out of bounds. I would take being called a bitch and keeping my life over a brutal beating that was sure to be handed to me if I fought for my honor. You have to pick your battles, and I knew Ace would win every battle and eventually any war that we had. Mina looked at me and was like, “Some broad who been snooping around the hood lately. She always got some damn camera in her hand and these niggas is just crawling over themselves to be in front of it with they dumb ass. Up here acting like she in some 3rd world country doin films for national geographic or some shit.” I had been to 3rd world countries and little did she know, they had more in common than she could ever imagine. I dare not say that though. Mina was interesting to me. I wanted to get to know more about her. For some reason I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy task. She has a story and I wanted to hear it. “Can I interview you?” She laughed hard as hell. “Yo, Ace this bitch wants to interview me.” She turned her attention back to me, “Look. The last time I was interviewed was by a D.A. Needless to say I’m not fond of interviews. So you can take your camera and whatever story you’re trynna expose and go back to whatever ritzy neighborhood you hail from. Unless you giving my people money or jobs then please be on your way.” I knew this girl was bright. I just didn’t know how she ended up here. She was walking away but my curiosity wouldn’t allow me to just let her slip. As a documentarian by nature I am nosey. I also have a 6th sense about people who are put in my life to open my eyes. Mina was one of those people. “Look, no camera. Just me, you, and lunch.” She laughed. She seemed to think I was a comedian. “Bitch I’m not gay.” Now I was starting to become frustrated. “You ignorant cunt…” As soon as the words escaped my mouth I wished I could catch up to them and swallow them, but they were already in the atmosphere. The next thing I know Mina’s fist, adorned with two gold rings was buried in my cheek. She stared at me as I stumbled to catch my footing. When I got enough balance I lunged at her throat. One of her friends was going to attack me but Ace held her back. I got a few licks in before Mina shut my whole situation down. She grabbed me by the throat and pushed me up against the wall just like a man would. She drew back to hit me but something stopped her. She knew I wasn’t from here. She knew that I had no idea of how the streets worked and she pitied me for my ignorance. She let me go. She picked up her bag and I could hear her friends giving her a hard time for not finishing me off. I heard her say, “That’s the difference between you and me. I’m not breaking a sweat over no bitch.” I knew she was just putting up a front for her friends. Her eyes exposed her to me. I had to know the person behind her legend. I had to know Mina.
Hey Everyone
I'm so sorry. I never wanted to become "that blogger" who got you hooked and then went away forever. I'm not the most popular but I appreciate all of the people who check my blog whether they choose to "follow" or not. So I've started school and I'm getting into the swing of being on my own. I decided not to make a school post because I always have these high ass hopes of getting straight A's only to not recieve any. So school is school and I'm going 'til I'm done. As for living on my own. I must admit that it is a lifestyle change(thanks, captain obvious). I don't just go out without thinking about if my bills are paid. For the first time in my life I've had to stay home because I flat out don't have the funds. It's crazy because everytime I say I'm gonna spend my whole check on me some shit comes up. Be it a crib for my niece that's takin her sweet ass time to arrive. My little cousin's birthday coming up. I was happy not to have a Valentine this year cuz I could spend my cash on me but her birthday is 2 days after and she's gettin older. I remember giving her and her little sister a $20 bill would be good enough. Now the girl wants a sidekick 09. I didn't make no promises but she's a good kid and I want her to get what she wants so I'm gonna hussle and make that happen for her. I'm not sad about it tho. Money comes back as soon as goes. That's the perk of having a stable ass job. You gonna get paid every other Saturday come rain or shine. For that I am greatful. Can't say I love my job but I love what it does for me.
So anywho, I'm at home sick and I finally have the time to work on a personal little side project. It's a short story. In my mind it's the shit but by the time I finish it might not be what I thought it was. No matter what I'm gonna share it. I might get bored enough and make a short movie but I don't have the proper technology or patienece for all of that. One can dream though. Anywho later today or early tomorrow I'm gonna post it. If you read it please comment. I want to know if I get my point across, if it's whack, if its unoriginal, if its brilliant.... I just want a little feedback on this one.
So anywho, I'm at home sick and I finally have the time to work on a personal little side project. It's a short story. In my mind it's the shit but by the time I finish it might not be what I thought it was. No matter what I'm gonna share it. I might get bored enough and make a short movie but I don't have the proper technology or patienece for all of that. One can dream though. Anywho later today or early tomorrow I'm gonna post it. If you read it please comment. I want to know if I get my point across, if it's whack, if its unoriginal, if its brilliant.... I just want a little feedback on this one.
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