Live in the Moment

My coworker gave me some great advice one day when it comes to how he deals with people he's seeing. He said, "I just take it day by day. I enjoy when we are together and make sure I leave on good terms. When I think too far in advance I fuck up. I psyche myself out. I don't have time for that." I don't know why this everyday conversation had such a profound effect on me. It's most likely because I always move full throttle. I always want to give all my greatness before I find out that they weren't really worthy of it. I don't really feel stupid after wards because I always just do what's on my heart but I do feel like I need to slow down before I end up becoming one of those bitter people who go unappreciated for far too long. Day by day.

Birth.Basketball.________.Death

Nike used to have these shirts that said "Birth.Basketball.Death". This shirt implies that basketball is life. As much as one would want that to be true there is life after basketball, or whatever sport you play. I read an article in the LA Times the other day about athletes who suffer with depression after they are no longer active in their sport. I could relate with these athletes. I didn't go through depression but to this day I'm still trying to find my new niche.

I started playing basketball when I was 12 years old. Instantly immersed myself in the sport. It was all I watched, if it was daylight I was outside with the ball, every decision I made was made with regards as to how it would effect my "basketball career". At 12 years old I loved the game and no one could tell me that I wasn't going to be playing in the NCAA tourney when I went to school. Clearly it did not turn out like that. I worked out with my college but I took a job rather than officially try out for the team.

So there I was. Retired at 19. At first I was happy for the break. No more practice, no more running, no more being tethered to this round ball. So now I found that I had this free time but guess what? No friends because they were all still playing basketball. So now I had this sort of emptiness. All this free time. No matter what I did you could look at me and know that I was an athlete. I had a basketball "swag" It's been a long and tedious process but I promise I'm getting better everyday at this new phase of life.

Now I'm a young woman at 23. I still love sports in general. My love for basketball isn't nearly as fanatical as it was when I was 12. People change. I'm still most comfortable in basketball shorts and a beater but I can rock heels and look damn good when I do so. I let go of my ponytail and started locking my hair. My confidence no longer comes from how good I am on the court. My confidence comes from a whole nother place. Where exactly? I can't say for sure. I just know I have it. I went from an athlete to a more well rounded person. I can't shed my tendencies from the past because they are forever engraved in me. I'm just picking up more parts of me along the way as I live and I'm so proud of the person I'm becoming. There is something in between basketball and death. It's called...LIFE.

Freedom of Speech

I hate my job. It was no secret and every friend on my Facebook page knew it. I added people who I thought I could trust on my facebook. Whenever I felt something I went to facebook. I was everyone's must read post because I said whatever was on my mind. I said whatever happened to me good or bad. I was always honest. I liked facebook because of the instant feedback. I would post something and instantly a conversation could be started. Be it a debate, someone virtually laughing, someone encouraging me, or someone letting me know that they have been there I got a reaction. I was able to reveal sides of me to people who only got to see me in certain settings. Ironically the reason I love facebook is the reason I left it.

One of my high school friends and coworkers got caught up in some shit at work because of facebook. Her post was child's play compared to what I post. Someone she trusted enough to allow in her personal thoughts reported her to someone at work and before she knew it she was under investigation. What kind of shit is that? It just really got me thinking. 1) You can't trust people. 2) You aren't free to say what you want, even if it's the truth. 3) I realized why I'm private. I only expose myself to the few people close to me. It was fun socially mingling for the couple years I had my facebook but in the end I'm not for the masses. The craziest thing is that I would have people that never posted on facebook comment to me in real life about something I posted. At first it would creep me out but then I realized people are really afraid to let other people know what's on their mind.

Facebook has been my addiction and my muse but now it's over. There is a silver lining in all of this though. Number one I'll get back to my original muse. This blog. I'm glad I never compromised my blog. It's still confidential. No pics, no name. I can and will be as free as I want to without having to censor myself. Censorship kills me. I will never censor myself. Number two is I'll finally be so bored that I'll have to get out of the house. Number three is I will have my heir of mystery back. I realize that people chit and chat about me. Before facebook there was no way to confirm their suspicions. People use to search my fb to prove or disprove their theories. Now that's out the window.

*I know this post is poorly constructed and all over the place but I just had to jump back into things.

Tomorrow

Nothing is stopping me. I got my transcripts and now I'm about to apply apply apply until I get a job. It may not come quick but it will come. I'm ready.

FriendZone

Believe it or not women get stuck here too. I used to believe that men and women couldn't be friends and even though I find myself in a platonic relationship I STILL believe that they can't be. The situation is that he wants to be friends but I can't stand it. I'm an all or nothing type of person and I can't stand just getting the piece of himself that he wants to give me. The cold part is that he knows I would drop every dude to make him the one. He's in this relationship and being his friend I get to sit and listen to everything she does wrong. I get to hear him be unhappy and in my heart I just want to be a hater and say how much better I would be for him. I know better than that. There is a reason he stays. He has love for me but he is in love with her. I can't live in this zone though. I can't wait in the wings for something that may never happen. I can't let my feelings boil over in this pot knowing that I will never remove the lid. If I can't be his lover, I won't be his friend. I know I'm selfish. I lose a friend and spare my feelings. Fuck the friend zone.

Single Life?

I'm trying to roll with the punches when it comes to this single situation but I'm about to get knocked the fuck out. I've been super patient but damn I'm about to give up. I've been meeting guys but for some reason or another things haven't been clicking. I'm starting to think that maybe I have some type of issue or something. It takes two to tango tho. Of all the guys I meet all of them are willing to bump to uglies. Sometimes I take the offering of their body but more often than not I decline. Some are just not ready for relationships. I totally understand that. I don't want to be with someone who isn't even on Get My Shit Together Street. I'm looking for someone on Sky Is the Limit Lane. I just purchased real estate there and I like this block. Sometimes I'm the one bullshitting. I'm not trying to settle but fuck, can someone with some true potential come my way? I know everyone is on that "when you stop looking he will come" bullshit but I'm not with it. My whole adult life I've been single and I'm not trying to be this way forever. Anyways, that's where I'm at today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Thank God for this blog, I often come here for a quick venting.

What Happened

It never was what it should have been
If I could choose again, I would go with sin
But shit happens for a reason
You gave up forever to only become a season

Sadly I'm not sure what to believe in
Questions are irrelevant, I'll never understand
It is what it is. I just wonder what happened...

How often do you get what you want?

I was on facebook one day talking to one of my coworkers. Every so often we go back in forth in my comment section and I'm always amazed by him. He is so much deeper than I ever would peg him to be. I mentioned how I'm not much of a competitor. I said, "I always manage to get what I need." He questioned, "It's cool to get what you need, but how often do you get what you want?" As I stared at the question on my screen I seriously thought about it. When it comes to goals where all I have to do is "A, B, and C" I'm going to get it done. When it's just me standing in between myself and the goal I'm never going to hold myself back. If it's a job I'm going to get it. If it's a grade I'm going to get it. Even then I don't strive to do it better than everybody else doing it, I just strive to get it done. When it comes to matters of other people I will often take the L. If I want something and someone else wants the same thing I will just let them have it. I don't know if it's a feeling of inferiority because I never feel less than the next person. I just know that I can do without. No matter what I'm going to be ok. I always want to see everyone succeed. In order to make this happen sometimes I sacrifice what I want. It's not always good because 8 out of 10 people operate with their own interest at heart. I don't want to compromise who I am as a person but if I want to get what I want and not just what I need a change may be necessary. Is it worth it though?

Doors Unlock From the Inside

Let me start this off by saying at the moment I'm ok with being single. Of course everyone covets what they don't have. I want a relationship. Not like the ones I see my peers in. I want something a little bit more pure. Something that takes time to build. A lot of people don't desire what I'm looking after and I'm not into trying force myself on anyone. So while I'm open to meeting people and letting them bring to my what they will, I'm not in a rush to give all of my greatness.

With that said I'm changing. I used to be a selfish person. I used to want everyone to reveal themselves to me while I gave very little of myself. I wanted to be catered to. The problem is that some men don't care to get to know you. They want to get it in and/or get lost. I don't have a problem with this. Do what you want get it how you live. I'd rather guys make their intentions known. I can make my decisions. If we aren't on the same page there is no need to waste anybody's time. (If you go back to early post you can read how much of a nuisance wasting my time is). I'm grown enough to know that sex isn't going to make a dude like or not like you. If I want to have sex with a man I'm going to do that as long as all of my screening goes through properly. I'm not going to have sex in hopes that a relationship will come from it. I'm not going to not have sex in hopes that a relationship will come from it. Those rules are just silly to me.

Now I just take every situation with the opposite sex for what it is. People always make their intentions true. I've just learned to take the ingredients that people give me and see what they gave me. If you give me lemons I'm not going to call it lemonade. I used to keep my doors locked and wonder why I was always inside and alone. I'm unlocking the door and allowing people in. I know there are chances that I will have to escort people back to where they came but hopefully I will be richer for the experience of opening my door in the first place.

A Quick Drop In

I'm truly falling in love with myself. I'm coming into my own as a young woman and I've noticed that my energy is a lot different. Trivial things just don't matter anymore. My life is moving in a positive direction and I appreciate all of the people and events that are being placed on my path with me. Letting go, and living.

Chance Meeting

I had a dream last night. I was shopping in Target and I ran into my mother. I was walking down the CD aisle. It was one more CD left and me and this woman reached for it at the same time. I recognized her hand. I followed her hand up to her arm and eventually her face. When our eyes met it was like I was staring at a more progressed version of myself. The woman I was staring at is the women that I imagine my mother would have been had she not gotten sick. She was healthy. She was independent. She was alive. I don't know what came over me but I collapsed in her arms. Tears exploded from my eyes as I my arms wrapped around her tight. My snotty nose didn't stop me from inhaling her millennia perfume. She calmly kissed my forehead, pulled her shades over her teary eyes and freed herself from my grasp. I wiped my eyes and she was gone.

A part of me wishes that I could just randomly run into my mother. It wouldn't matter to me that I went the last 10 years of my life without her. I wouldn't ask questions about where she went and why she left. I would just be grateful that she was mine again. I have so many conversations that I wish I could have but never will. So many apologies because I know there were times I could have been a better daughter. Now that I'm older and understand her sacrifices better I wish I could just tell her I appreciate her. I wish she was here after I got my first job so I could have given her a better present. I can't relive the past. I just go through the present sometimes. I'm sad when I think of all of the memories that will be one sided. I want her to meet the man I will marry. I want her opinion on him. I want her to hold my future child. When I wake up in cold sweats with tears in my eyes from dreams like this, I know. I haven't dealt with this. Her funeral is a montage. I knew what death was. I knew I would never hear her voice. I knew I would never touch her again. I just never knew how much my life would change. I never knew how much she would cross my mind. I could never fathom how much I would miss her.

The Has Beens, The Wanna Bes, and the In Crowd

I recently spent a little time by myself and reflected on my life and what I want to make of it. Living life has rudely awaken me from my pleasant little dream world that I created. I used to believe that good people always got their way because the world appreciated them and everything they offered. I used to daydream about all types great futures. If my dreams came to fruition by this time in my life I would be staying in a penthouse suite on the beach with a fly ass beamer. I would be engaged by now to a picture perfect man who was gainfully employed and only had eyes for me. Thoughts like this are has beens. I don't even dream these kinds of dreams. I've let them go. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect life. I'm grown enough to know that even though life isn't fair or perfect I can still be perfectly happy.

I now have realistic goals for where I want to be in life and a plan to get there. I want to make a decent living and I want to be happy. These days I desire intangible things. I truly just want to be happy and true happiness can't be achieved through material things. I just want to find a career that I can enjoy and live comfortably with. I want to have a healthy family one day. I really don't think I'm asking for much. I just want my fork full of this American pie. This is where I wanna be.

I'm apart of this crowd. A crowd of people just trying to find their way in the world. It's a fine line between working toward your future and forgetting to live out your present. I'm caught up between living everyday like its my last while planning for my future. I really don't know which one to focus more on. After all I very well could die tomorrow (Lord forbid) and all I will have done is tried to do good while not making all of the impacts I could have made because I was worried about a future I will never get. Our I could live everyday like its my last and end up dying at 100, either way I will have nothing to show for it. I just have to find a way to get what I want. I may never figure out but I will keep living. I'm sure something great will come of it.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes my dreams get totally out of hand and I end up where I am at this moment. I have so much going on that nothing is happening. There aren't enough hours in my day and I really need to slow the fuck down and make something happen. My time is spent doing things I don't want to do and this strangles my spirit. Nobody ever told me growing up would do me like this, but with the gift of life comes the curse of struggle. Somehow you have to get through it and I'm going to manage. In life there are no do overs so I'm not going to have regrets but I do admit that I've made some mistakes. No lie, I've been humbled and I'm sure there is a reason for me having stumbled the way I have. Right now I'm dealing with it the best I can. I need help but I'm going to rely on me. I don't consider myself a prideful individual.... I have pride but I behave the way I do because I have major trust issues. I tend not to reach out to others. It's not that I don't want to seem weak, I know that I am human and I love the fact that I'm flawed. It's because I don't want to be dependent. I have a fear of everything being snatched from me. I never really dealt with losing my mother but that taught me that nothing in this world is truly mine. Literally any and everything you have right now can be gone in the matter of minutes. I appreciate everyone, every instance, and every experience in my life from a distance. The whole while I'm in that moment, I'm preparing for when the situation will change and that's not what it is anymore. I never allow myself to forget life before "this" came to be because it's how I deal when "this" is gone. I want to change. I kind of have to unless I want to die alone, but I still have some work to do with myself before I can take on the task of getting over these attachment issues.

Right now I have to begrudgingly put some of my dreams to the side and be an adult. I have to handle my business in school because it truly is my ticket out of my current situation. My job isn't the worst but I'm not going to continue to put up with all the bullshit I put up, especially since I don't ever see myself achieving the lifestyle I want here. I've probably hit my own personal ceiling and I'm closer to depression than I am to happiness. I don't consider myself to be an idiot. I see something in my life that I don't like so I have to do something about it. I know what I don't want and this is it. Knowing what I do want is where shit gets fuzzy. I know I want to be comfortable. I don't want to be filthy rich but I definitely don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I'm living that life right now and let me tell you, it ain't the shit. I want shit that you can't buy. I want things that are intangible. I want happiness. I'm not depressed but I can't say I'm content with where I am in life right now either. I've outgrown this space and now I'm ready for something different. Some soul searching is in my near future. I need clarity.

*insert WTF face here*

At this point in my life I just refuse to have lame sex. I'm just not going to settle for it. My last partner was by far the lamest I have ever had in life. He's was a cool guy even with all his hang ups, but sexually? It wasn't there. He was a stubborn guy who thought he knew all there was to know in the bedroom. I'm not even going to go into detail on his anatomy. I'm just gonna say that it was a learning experience. I could have gone whole life time without wasting time with him. I'll take responsibility for that. I didn't take the time to access the situation before taking a chance and diving right in.

Here is the light bulb that went off in my head. Men are not hard to come by. Men are not hard to get in the bed with. Men are easy, bottom line. So why should a young lady like me rush into anything? There is nothing worse to me than having unfufulling sex. I mean, after wack sex, I just don't give a fuck if I ever see you again. Quite honestly your only place in my life is to provide me that great physical release. I have to explain myself. I don't want to seem like someone who just disregard people's feelings and is evil. When it's a sex situation it's usually a mutual decision. The man doesn't want a relationship with me and vice versa. It's just a sexual curiosity and we want to explore it. It's understood that we want to push each other to our physical limits and go on and live our separate lives. Now when this is the only purpose of our knowing each other and you can't even hold up to your end of the bargain, you damn straight I'm going to be upset.

To avoid these types of situations I've learned to take heed to the warning signs. I'm not pressed for anything. If the dude is pressed then he can go on his way. I'm painfully patient for what it is that I really want. When I have my mind made up I will settle for nothing less. Sometimes I suffer for my ways but the reward is way worth it. Besides the consequences of rushed sex are far to dire for me to just say "fuck it" and go at it. Say I just take whatever is thrown at me and end up with a baby or life changing disease, for a wack lay, when all I had to do was exhibit some patience and do a little screening? So I had a new prospect. He was older and seemed to be about business. Sexually, he was immature and it only took a few conversations to realize that he wasn't what I was looking for.

He was a little scary when I mentioned certain things which let me know that I was on a level that he wasn't trying to reach. The straw that broke the camel's back was this text: "I guess I'm an Indian Giver when it comes to. Somethings...I feel I should get head off top and if I want to give u head I eventually...I guess I've been spoiled" *INSERT WTF FACE HERE* I almost called him and went off. I slowed down and tried to rationalize his thought process. I just couldn't. I just responded: "Well I hope that all works out for you. Good luck with school and what not" The old me would have deleted his number without even as much as a response to his ignorant ass text. I just let him go his way though. He's just a selfish lover. That's not his fault. He's been with women that don't demand satisfaction in their sex life and as far as I'm concerned we would never click. I just imagine him humping and sweating over me for about 3 minutes before rolling over with a full condom to go to sleep. I'm not some 15 year old virgin and this would never fly. I'm cracking up as I write this because I just can't fathom that grown men still had this mindset. I was cool with just moving on but I still get random flirty text messages from him. I don't respond anymore.

On to the Next...

Dating....Dating....Dating. I'm just reflecting on this Summer and although I don't have a solid relationship at the moment I've learned a lot about this dating thing. There are a few things I just refuse to stress and harp over because I've come to this crazy realization: THERE IS ALWAYS A NEXT. Always. I've been single for a while. I'm not going to sit here and say that it's the shit but it definitely isn't the worst situation that I could find myself in. It gets really annoying that you go through this stage of dating only for things to not work out and you feel like you wasted a shitload of time and energy. Then when you least expect it you find yourself in the same situation all over again.

As many situations as I've had that didn't go my way I always love starting over. I love when possibility makes me giddy. Every moment is highly anticipated and this new man's every move is intriguing to me. I love the torture of sculpting every text message and anticipating his response, spending time together here and there to pick up on traits, making plans for future outings, debating on when the right time is to test the sexual waters, just all in all having a good time and seeing what becomes of it.

Right now I'm at the point where I'm starting all over. Just taking things as they come and not trying to get so involved. I'm learning to do things at my own pace. I have yet to master the art of not putting all your eggs in one basket. I would love to just be able to have a different date for each night but that just isn't my reality. It's mostly because I don't have all the time in the world and I'm picky. As fate would have it I'm not always interested in the guys that are interested in me. Like a guy I don't just settle for whatever falls off of the branch after I shake it. I usually hone in on the one I'm after and take it from there. If I get to know him and all things seem like a go then I move. If he pays me no mind then I move on. I will continue to play this game until I have a mutual feeling about a man and we decide that both of us are ready and worthy of committing to each other. Only time will tell if this game has winners and losers and which team I will be on....

Keep the Change

Not all change is good and some is not worth making. Every so often life puts in a situation where I just want to give up on my personal values and just say fuck it and join the ways of the world. For brief moments in time I become the people I see getting what I want even though they aren't "righteous". When I say "righteous" I don't mean religiously virtuous, I mean they just didn't regard anyone else's feelings but their own. I'm not going to say that I'm Mother Teresa but some principles I refuse to break no matter what I can gain. I just feel like nothing is worth the compromise. All though I've been tempted to do things that others do, or things I'm already accused of, I know better. What is or isn't in my heart is or isn't for me to do? You follow?

Everyday I am faced with a decision to change or stay true to myself. I try to mimic the grimeyness that others display but I can't quite rock it like them. It's just not in me to be conniving unless I'm pushed. I can't be malicious for no reason. I have to be personally attacked but that's rare because I rarely let people get close enough to for people to make me that mad. I just stop dealing with them way before they get to that point. They just cease to exist... but that aint what this is about. Point is if I don't fit in with what's going in I just don't try anymore. I rather get what's for me by staying true. I say all of this because this is one of the main reasons I need to get a new job.

The upward mobility is cool but I feel like I have a glass ceiling that's capping my potential. I'm not the type of person that was built for this job. I don't conform easily. All of my beliefs are carefully crafted and I'm stubborn about them. I don't believe any amount of money is worth doing things just because that's how they have been done. There are people in leadership positions that see the system is failed but they are so afraid to try something new that their is no innovation. Without innovation you are bound to fail. And in my industry failure literally equals death. They just trudge a long doing the same them and treating their SOP like bibles. I'm sorry but I'm not going to dumb myself down. I'm not going to forsake common sense in the name of compliance. Supervisors tell me all the time that if I made a few changes I could be one of them. The trip is they used to be just like me. Then they got power and the rules and perspective changed for them. Not saying I knock them, but that change you can keep.

On Some Simp Shit....

I want to fall in love.

My Coke Went Flat

Today my coke went flat. Shit was great when it was bubbly but you know what happens when you leave it out too long. That's right, it goes flat. I called this Coke because he was my first choice. Sure we have our Pepsi, which is a serviceable alternative. Then we have our Root Beer which you wouldn't drink for the world. Currently I've been an exclusive Coke drinker. Now I'm back to water. I'm not fuckin with Pepsi cuz that doesn't get me any closer to what I desire. I usually mask my feelings behind metaphors. It expresses what I want to say while keeping my feelings private. Part of me wants to rant about how fucked up I feel but pride won't let me. I will say this, the Coke went flat and gave me the hiccups but I hope he quenches the next girls thirst.

Work Relationships

You ever feel like you know more than you ever desired to know about your coworkers outside life? People get too damn comfortable for me these days. There is no way I should know that you only give your dude head on "special occasions" (yes I'm judging you). There is no way I should know that you are a grown ass man with a 10 year old child that still lives with your father. I don't even talk to my best friend about this type of shit so I surely don't want to hear it from you. If you want to hear yourself talk then by all means I will pretend to listen.

Here is where I have the problem. There comes a point in these conversations where I am awakened out of my thoughts by a coworker staring in my mouth waiting for me to say something. At some point I realize that they are waiting for me to go ahead and put my business in the air. I just look at them with a blank look on my face. It's that I have the most exciting life in the world, I just don't want them to know what I do. I'm just here to get my check and roll bounce. I don't give two fucks about you after I clock out. It's crazy to me that when you think about it, work forces us to coexist with people that we would never be in the same room with them if it wasn't for our need for this check. Let's not forget this.

...And Life Will Find A Way to Humble You

When it comes to moving on, I usually get my way. Before a few months ago, every job I've applied for was mine. I don't know why, but getting jobs has always been rather easy for me. Now things are different. Now things are difficult. Now things are frustrating. Now, the shit is real. (I'm aware that shit can get realer tho) I do not like my current employment. My feelings are not secret and can't be minced. Besides my check there is only one other positive that I can think of right now. I'm desperately searching for a way out. Not up the ladder but completely off it. This job has great upwards mobility but I just can't see myself doing this until I retire. I want something different. I've been applying for all types of shit. Some of it I don't even know what the job requires but if it pays enough for me to continue my current lifestyle I'm applying.

Now it seems like I'm grasping at straws. I KNOW I'm supposed to be learning a lesson from these current failures. I'm not always sure what these lessons are but I don't mind the failures as long as I'm learning. As I look at myself I see where I need to be improved. I needed to be humbled. There is a fine line between confidence and cockiness. I was to the left of cocky. I know I can do any job out there. The cockiness came when I felt I didn't have to prove it. I know I can be more appreciative. I have a problem with authority. I know I'm smarter than most of my "superiors". When people can't answer my simplest of questions I lose respect, and just like spoken words can't be undone, lost respect can't be found. The difference between them and I is they played the game and got to level 3. I'm still at level 2.

So personally, I'm doing pretty good but I'm far from satisfied. I can't act like everything is everything when clearly it isn't. I do however need to take a minute to evaluate my faults and fix them. I may feel like the world is against me, but it isn't. There are just some lessons I need to learn. I need to find my goals and go get them. Right now I'm just a black girl lost. There is a branch swaying in the wind and every time I come close to grasping it...the wind changes direction. So as I push through this change of scenery with another door closed I keep telling myself, "What is deterred is not denied." Just when I was about to play the woe is me card my friend told me, "Night is darkest right before dawn." Shit like that is why I have so much love, respect, and appreciation for this dude. But that's for another post....actually I could make a whole 'nother blog for that nigga....