Not For The Faint Of Heart...

Live in the Moment

2011-10-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

My coworker gave me some great advice one day when it comes to how he deals with people he's seeing. He said, "I just take it day by day. I enjoy when we are together and make sure I leave on good terms. When I think too far in advance I fuck up. I psyche myself out. I don't have time for that." I don't know why this everyday conversation had such a profound effect on me. It's most likely because I always move full throttle. I always want to give all my greatness before I find out that they weren't really worthy of it. I don't really feel stupid after wards because I always just do what's on my heart but I do feel like I need to slow down before I end up becoming one of those bitter people who go unappreciated for far too long. Day by day.

Birth.Basketball.________.Death

2011-07-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

Nike used to have these shirts that said "Birth.Basketball.Death". This shirt implies that basketball is life. As much as one would want that to be true there is life after basketball, or whatever sport you play. I read an article in the LA Times the other day about athletes who suffer with depression after they are no longer active in their sport. I could relate with these athletes. I didn't go through depression but to this day I'm still trying to find my new niche.

I started playing basketball when I was 12 years old. Instantly immersed myself in the sport. It was all I watched, if it was daylight I was outside with the ball, every decision I made was made with regards as to how it would effect my "basketball career". At 12 years old I loved the game and no one could tell me that I wasn't going to be playing in the NCAA tourney when I went to school. Clearly it did not turn out like that. I worked out with my college but I took a job rather than officially try out for the team.

So there I was. Retired at 19. At first I was happy for the break. No more practice, no more running, no more being tethered to this round ball. So now I found that I had this free time but guess what? No friends because they were all still playing basketball. So now I had this sort of emptiness. All this free time. No matter what I did you could look at me and know that I was an athlete. I had a basketball "swag" It's been a long and tedious process but I promise I'm getting better everyday at this new phase of life.

Now I'm a young woman at 23. I still love sports in general. My love for basketball isn't nearly as fanatical as it was when I was 12. People change. I'm still most comfortable in basketball shorts and a beater but I can rock heels and look damn good when I do so. I let go of my ponytail and started locking my hair. My confidence no longer comes from how good I am on the court. My confidence comes from a whole nother place. Where exactly? I can't say for sure. I just know I have it. I went from an athlete to a more well rounded person. I can't shed my tendencies from the past because they are forever engraved in me. I'm just picking up more parts of me along the way as I live and I'm so proud of the person I'm becoming. There is something in between basketball and death. It's called...LIFE.

Freedom of Speech

2011-07-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

I hate my job. It was no secret and every friend on my Facebook page knew it. I added people who I thought I could trust on my facebook. Whenever I felt something I went to facebook. I was everyone's must read post because I said whatever was on my mind. I said whatever happened to me good or bad. I was always honest. I liked facebook because of the instant feedback. I would post something and instantly a conversation could be started. Be it a debate, someone virtually laughing, someone encouraging me, or someone letting me know that they have been there I got a reaction. I was able to reveal sides of me to people who only got to see me in certain settings. Ironically the reason I love facebook is the reason I left it.

One of my high school friends and coworkers got caught up in some shit at work because of facebook. Her post was child's play compared to what I post. Someone she trusted enough to allow in her personal thoughts reported her to someone at work and before she knew it she was under investigation. What kind of shit is that? It just really got me thinking. 1) You can't trust people. 2) You aren't free to say what you want, even if it's the truth. 3) I realized why I'm private. I only expose myself to the few people close to me. It was fun socially mingling for the couple years I had my facebook but in the end I'm not for the masses. The craziest thing is that I would have people that never posted on facebook comment to me in real life about something I posted. At first it would creep me out but then I realized people are really afraid to let other people know what's on their mind.

Facebook has been my addiction and my muse but now it's over. There is a silver lining in all of this though. Number one I'll get back to my original muse. This blog. I'm glad I never compromised my blog. It's still confidential. No pics, no name. I can and will be as free as I want to without having to censor myself. Censorship kills me. I will never censor myself. Number two is I'll finally be so bored that I'll have to get out of the house. Number three is I will have my heir of mystery back. I realize that people chit and chat about me. Before facebook there was no way to confirm their suspicions. People use to search my fb to prove or disprove their theories. Now that's out the window.

*I know this post is poorly constructed and all over the place but I just had to jump back into things.

Tomorrow

2011-07-17T20:12:00.000-07:00

Nothing is stopping me. I got my transcripts and now I'm about to apply apply apply until I get a job. It may not come quick but it will come. I'm ready.

FriendZone

2011-06-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not women get stuck here too. I used to believe that men and women couldn't be friends and even though I find myself in a platonic relationship I STILL believe that they can't be. The situation is that he wants to be friends but I can't stand it. I'm an all or nothing type of person and I can't stand just getting the piece of himself that he wants to give me. The cold part is that he knows I would drop every dude to make him the one. He's in this relationship and being his friend I get to sit and listen to everything she does wrong. I get to hear him be unhappy and in my heart I just want to be a hater and say how much better I would be for him. I know better than that. There is a reason he stays. He has love for me but he is in love with her. I can't live in this zone though. I can't wait in the wings for something that may never happen. I can't let my feelings boil over in this pot knowing that I will never remove the lid. If I can't be his lover, I won't be his friend. I know I'm selfish. I lose a friend and spare my feelings. Fuck the friend zone.

Single Life?

2011-05-23T23:50:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to roll with the punches when it comes to this single situation but I'm about to get knocked the fuck out. I've been super patient but damn I'm about to give up. I've been meeting guys but for some reason or another things haven't been clicking. I'm starting to think that maybe I have some type of issue or something. It takes two to tango tho. Of all the guys I meet all of them are willing to bump to uglies. Sometimes I take the offering of their body but more often than not I decline. Some are just not ready for relationships. I totally understand that. I don't want to be with someone who isn't even on Get My Shit Together Street. I'm looking for someone on Sky Is the Limit Lane. I just purchased real estate there and I like this block. Sometimes I'm the one bullshitting. I'm not trying to settle but fuck, can someone with some true potential come my way? I know everyone is on that "when you stop looking he will come" bullshit but I'm not with it. My whole adult life I've been single and I'm not trying to be this way forever. Anyways, that's where I'm at today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Thank God for this blog, I often come here for a quick venting.

What Happened

2011-04-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

It never was what it should have been
If I could choose again, I would go with sin
But shit happens for a reason
You gave up forever to only become a season

Sadly I'm not sure what to believe in
Questions are irrelevant, I'll never understand
It is what it is. I just wonder what happened...

How often do you get what you want?

2011-04-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

I was on facebook one day talking to one of my coworkers. Every so often we go back in forth in my comment section and I'm always amazed by him. He is so much deeper than I ever would peg him to be. I mentioned how I'm not much of a competitor. I said, "I always manage to get what I need." He questioned, "It's cool to get what you need, but how often do you get what you want?" As I stared at the question on my screen I seriously thought about it. When it comes to goals where all I have to do is "A, B, and C" I'm going to get it done. When it's just me standing in between myself and the goal I'm never going to hold myself back. If it's a job I'm going to get it. If it's a grade I'm going to get it. Even then I don't strive to do it better than everybody else doing it, I just strive to get it done. When it comes to matters of other people I will often take the L. If I want something and someone else wants the same thing I will just let them have it. I don't know if it's a feeling of inferiority because I never feel less than the next person. I just know that I can do without. No matter what I'm going to be ok. I always want to see everyone succeed. In order to make this happen sometimes I sacrifice what I want. It's not always good because 8 out of 10 people operate with their own interest at heart. I don't want to compromise who I am as a person but if I want to get what I want and not just what I need a change may be necessary. Is it worth it though?

Doors Unlock From the Inside

2011-04-03T22:19:00.000-07:00

Let me start this off by saying at the moment I'm ok with being single. Of course everyone covets what they don't have. I want a relationship. Not like the ones I see my peers in. I want something a little bit more pure. Something that takes time to build. A lot of people don't desire what I'm looking after and I'm not into trying force myself on anyone. So while I'm open to meeting people and letting them bring to my what they will, I'm not in a rush to give all of my greatness.

With that said I'm changing. I used to be a selfish person. I used to want everyone to reveal themselves to me while I gave very little of myself. I wanted to be catered to. The problem is that some men don't care to get to know you. They want to get it in and/or get lost. I don't have a problem with this. Do what you want get it how you live. I'd rather guys make their intentions known. I can make my decisions. If we aren't on the same page there is no need to waste anybody's time. (If you go back to early post you can read how much of a nuisance wasting my time is). I'm grown enough to know that sex isn't going to make a dude like or not like you. If I want to have sex with a man I'm going to do that as long as all of my screening goes through properly. I'm not going to have sex in hopes that a relationship will come from it. I'm not going to not have sex in hopes that a relationship will come from it. Those rules are just silly to me.

Now I just take every situation with the opposite sex for what it is. People always make their intentions true. I've just learned to take the ingredients that people give me and see what they gave me. If you give me lemons I'm not going to call it lemonade. I used to keep my doors locked and wonder why I was always inside and alone. I'm unlocking the door and allowing people in. I know there are chances that I will have to escort people back to where they came but hopefully I will be richer for the experience of opening my door in the first place.

A Quick Drop In

2011-02-20T21:44:00.000-08:00

I'm truly falling in love with myself. I'm coming into my own as a young woman and I've noticed that my energy is a lot different. Trivial things just don't matter anymore. My life is moving in a positive direction and I appreciate all of the people and events that are being placed on my path with me. Letting go, and living.

Chance Meeting

2010-12-01T16:18:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night. I was shopping in Target and I ran into my mother. I was walking down the CD aisle. It was one more CD left and me and this woman reached for it at the same time. I recognized her hand. I followed her hand up to her arm and eventually her face. When our eyes met it was like I was staring at a more progressed version of myself. The woman I was staring at is the women that I imagine my mother would have been had she not gotten sick. She was healthy. She was independent. She was alive. I don't know what came over me but I collapsed in her arms. Tears exploded from my eyes as I my arms wrapped around her tight. My snotty nose didn't stop me from inhaling her millennia perfume. She calmly kissed my forehead, pulled her shades over her teary eyes and freed herself from my grasp. I wiped my eyes and she was gone.

A part of me wishes that I could just randomly run into my mother. It wouldn't matter to me that I went the last 10 years of my life without her. I wouldn't ask questions about where she went and why she left. I would just be grateful that she was mine again. I have so many conversations that I wish I could have but never will. So many apologies because I know there were times I could have been a better daughter. Now that I'm older and understand her sacrifices better I wish I could just tell her I appreciate her. I wish she was here after I got my first job so I could have given her a better present. I can't relive the past. I just go through the present sometimes. I'm sad when I think of all of the memories that will be one sided. I want her to meet the man I will marry. I want her opinion on him. I want her to hold my future child. When I wake up in cold sweats with tears in my eyes from dreams like this, I know. I haven't dealt with this. Her funeral is a montage. I knew what death was. I knew I would never hear her voice. I knew I would never touch her again. I just never knew how much my life would change. I never knew how much she would cross my mind. I could never fathom how much I would miss her.

The Has Beens, The Wanna Bes, and the In Crowd

2010-11-27T20:18:00.000-08:00

I recently spent a little time by myself and reflected on my life and what I want to make of it. Living life has rudely awaken me from my pleasant little dream world that I created. I used to believe that good people always got their way because the world appreciated them and everything they offered. I used to daydream about all types great futures. If my dreams came to fruition by this time in my life I would be staying in a penthouse suite on the beach with a fly ass beamer. I would be engaged by now to a picture perfect man who was gainfully employed and only had eyes for me. Thoughts like this are has beens. I don't even dream these kinds of dreams. I've let them go. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect life. I'm grown enough to know that even though life isn't fair or perfect I can still be perfectly happy.

I now have realistic goals for where I want to be in life and a plan to get there. I want to make a decent living and I want to be happy. These days I desire intangible things. I truly just want to be happy and true happiness can't be achieved through material things. I just want to find a career that I can enjoy and live comfortably with. I want to have a healthy family one day. I really don't think I'm asking for much. I just want my fork full of this American pie. This is where I wanna be.

I'm apart of this crowd. A crowd of people just trying to find their way in the world. It's a fine line between working toward your future and forgetting to live out your present. I'm caught up between living everyday like its my last while planning for my future. I really don't know which one to focus more on. After all I very well could die tomorrow (Lord forbid) and all I will have done is tried to do good while not making all of the impacts I could have made because I was worried about a future I will never get. Our I could live everyday like its my last and end up dying at 100, either way I will have nothing to show for it. I just have to find a way to get what I want. I may never figure out but I will keep living. I'm sure something great will come of it.

Overwhelmed

2010-10-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my dreams get totally out of hand and I end up where I am at this moment. I have so much going on that nothing is happening. There aren't enough hours in my day and I really need to slow the fuck down and make something happen. My time is spent doing things I don't want to do and this strangles my spirit. Nobody ever told me growing up would do me like this, but with the gift of life comes the curse of struggle. Somehow you have to get through it and I'm going to manage. In life there are no do overs so I'm not going to have regrets but I do admit that I've made some mistakes. No lie, I've been humbled and I'm sure there is a reason for me having stumbled the way I have. Right now I'm dealing with it the best I can. I need help but I'm going to rely on me. I don't consider myself a prideful individual.... I have pride but I behave the way I do because I have major trust issues. I tend not to reach out to others. It's not that I don't want to seem weak, I know that I am human and I love the fact that I'm flawed. It's because I don't want to be dependent. I have a fear of everything being snatched from me. I never really dealt with losing my mother but that taught me that nothing in this world is truly mine. Literally any and everything you have right now can be gone in the matter of minutes. I appreciate everyone, every instance, and every experience in my life from a distance. The whole while I'm in that moment, I'm preparing for when the situation will change and that's not what it is anymore. I never allow myself to forget life before "this" came to be because it's how I deal when "this" is gone. I want to change. I kind of have to unless I want to die alone, but I still have some work to do with myself before I can take on the task of getting over these attachment issues.

Right now I have to begrudgingly put some of my dreams to the side and be an adult. I have to handle my business in school because it truly is my ticket out of my current situation. My job isn't the worst but I'm not going to continue to put up with all the bullshit I put up, especially since I don't ever see myself achieving the lifestyle I want here. I've probably hit my own personal ceiling and I'm closer to depression than I am to happiness. I don't consider myself to be an idiot. I see something in my life that I don't like so I have to do something about it. I know what I don't want and this is it. Knowing what I do want is where shit gets fuzzy. I know I want to be comfortable. I don't want to be filthy rich but I definitely don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I'm living that life right now and let me tell you, it ain't the shit. I want shit that you can't buy. I want things that are intangible. I want happiness. I'm not depressed but I can't say I'm content with where I am in life right now either. I've outgrown this space and now I'm ready for something different. Some soul searching is in my near future. I need clarity.

insert WTF face here

2010-09-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

At this point in my life I just refuse to have lame sex. I'm just not going to settle for it. My last partner was by far the lamest I have ever had in life. He's was a cool guy even with all his hang ups, but sexually? It wasn't there. He was a stubborn guy who thought he knew all there was to know in the bedroom. I'm not even going to go into detail on his anatomy. I'm just gonna say that it was a learning experience. I could have gone whole life time without wasting time with him. I'll take responsibility for that. I didn't take the time to access the situation before taking a chance and diving right in.

Here is the light bulb that went off in my head. Men are not hard to come by. Men are not hard to get in the bed with. Men are easy, bottom line. So why should a young lady like me rush into anything? There is nothing worse to me than having unfufulling sex. I mean, after wack sex, I just don't give a fuck if I ever see you again. Quite honestly your only place in my life is to provide me that great physical release. I have to explain myself. I don't want to seem like someone who just disregard people's feelings and is evil. When it's a sex situation it's usually a mutual decision. The man doesn't want a relationship with me and vice versa. It's just a sexual curiosity and we want to explore it. It's understood that we want to push each other to our physical limits and go on and live our separate lives. Now when this is the only purpose of our knowing each other and you can't even hold up to your end of the bargain, you damn straight I'm going to be upset.

To avoid these types of situations I've learned to take heed to the warning signs. I'm not pressed for anything. If the dude is pressed then he can go on his way. I'm painfully patient for what it is that I really want. When I have my mind made up I will settle for nothing less. Sometimes I suffer for my ways but the reward is way worth it. Besides the consequences of rushed sex are far to dire for me to just say "fuck it" and go at it. Say I just take whatever is thrown at me and end up with a baby or life changing disease, for a wack lay, when all I had to do was exhibit some patience and do a little screening? So I had a new prospect. He was older and seemed to be about business. Sexually, he was immature and it only took a few conversations to realize that he wasn't what I was looking for.

He was a little scary when I mentioned certain things which let me know that I was on a level that he wasn't trying to reach. The straw that broke the camel's back was this text: "I guess I'm an Indian Giver when it comes to. Somethings...I feel I should get head off top and if I want to give u head I eventually...I guess I've been spoiled" *INSERT WTF FACE HERE* I almost called him and went off. I slowed down and tried to rationalize his thought process. I just couldn't. I just responded: "Well I hope that all works out for you. Good luck with school and what not" The old me would have deleted his number without even as much as a response to his ignorant ass text. I just let him go his way though. He's just a selfish lover. That's not his fault. He's been with women that don't demand satisfaction in their sex life and as far as I'm concerned we would never click. I just imagine him humping and sweating over me for about 3 minutes before rolling over with a full condom to go to sleep. I'm not some 15 year old virgin and this would never fly. I'm cracking up as I write this because I just can't fathom that grown men still had this mindset. I was cool with just moving on but I still get random flirty text messages from him. I don't respond anymore.

On to the Next...

2010-08-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

Dating....Dating....Dating. I'm just reflecting on this Summer and although I don't have a solid relationship at the moment I've learned a lot about this dating thing. There are a few things I just refuse to stress and harp over because I've come to this crazy realization: THERE IS ALWAYS A NEXT. Always. I've been single for a while. I'm not going to sit here and say that it's the shit but it definitely isn't the worst situation that I could find myself in. It gets really annoying that you go through this stage of dating only for things to not work out and you feel like you wasted a shitload of time and energy. Then when you least expect it you find yourself in the same situation all over again.

As many situations as I've had that didn't go my way I always love starting over. I love when possibility makes me giddy. Every moment is highly anticipated and this new man's every move is intriguing to me. I love the torture of sculpting every text message and anticipating his response, spending time together here and there to pick up on traits, making plans for future outings, debating on when the right time is to test the sexual waters, just all in all having a good time and seeing what becomes of it.

Right now I'm at the point where I'm starting all over. Just taking things as they come and not trying to get so involved. I'm learning to do things at my own pace. I have yet to master the art of not putting all your eggs in one basket. I would love to just be able to have a different date for each night but that just isn't my reality. It's mostly because I don't have all the time in the world and I'm picky. As fate would have it I'm not always interested in the guys that are interested in me. Like a guy I don't just settle for whatever falls off of the branch after I shake it. I usually hone in on the one I'm after and take it from there. If I get to know him and all things seem like a go then I move. If he pays me no mind then I move on. I will continue to play this game until I have a mutual feeling about a man and we decide that both of us are ready and worthy of committing to each other. Only time will tell if this game has winners and losers and which team I will be on....

Keep the Change

2010-07-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

Not all change is good and some is not worth making. Every so often life puts in a situation where I just want to give up on my personal values and just say fuck it and join the ways of the world. For brief moments in time I become the people I see getting what I want even though they aren't "righteous". When I say "righteous" I don't mean religiously virtuous, I mean they just didn't regard anyone else's feelings but their own. I'm not going to say that I'm Mother Teresa but some principles I refuse to break no matter what I can gain. I just feel like nothing is worth the compromise. All though I've been tempted to do things that others do, or things I'm already accused of, I know better. What is or isn't in my heart is or isn't for me to do? You follow?

Everyday I am faced with a decision to change or stay true to myself. I try to mimic the grimeyness that others display but I can't quite rock it like them. It's just not in me to be conniving unless I'm pushed. I can't be malicious for no reason. I have to be personally attacked but that's rare because I rarely let people get close enough to for people to make me that mad. I just stop dealing with them way before they get to that point. They just cease to exist... but that aint what this is about. Point is if I don't fit in with what's going in I just don't try anymore. I rather get what's for me by staying true. I say all of this because this is one of the main reasons I need to get a new job.

The upward mobility is cool but I feel like I have a glass ceiling that's capping my potential. I'm not the type of person that was built for this job. I don't conform easily. All of my beliefs are carefully crafted and I'm stubborn about them. I don't believe any amount of money is worth doing things just because that's how they have been done. There are people in leadership positions that see the system is failed but they are so afraid to try something new that their is no innovation. Without innovation you are bound to fail. And in my industry failure literally equals death. They just trudge a long doing the same them and treating their SOP like bibles. I'm sorry but I'm not going to dumb myself down. I'm not going to forsake common sense in the name of compliance. Supervisors tell me all the time that if I made a few changes I could be one of them. The trip is they used to be just like me. Then they got power and the rules and perspective changed for them. Not saying I knock them, but that change you can keep.

On Some Simp Shit....

2010-07-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

I want to fall in love.

My Coke Went Flat

2010-07-05T21:02:00.000-07:00

Today my coke went flat. Shit was great when it was bubbly but you know what happens when you leave it out too long. That's right, it goes flat. I called this Coke because he was my first choice. Sure we have our Pepsi, which is a serviceable alternative. Then we have our Root Beer which you wouldn't drink for the world. Currently I've been an exclusive Coke drinker. Now I'm back to water. I'm not fuckin with Pepsi cuz that doesn't get me any closer to what I desire. I usually mask my feelings behind metaphors. It expresses what I want to say while keeping my feelings private. Part of me wants to rant about how fucked up I feel but pride won't let me. I will say this, the Coke went flat and gave me the hiccups but I hope he quenches the next girls thirst.

Work Relationships

2010-06-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

You ever feel like you know more than you ever desired to know about your coworkers outside life? People get too damn comfortable for me these days. There is no way I should know that you only give your dude head on "special occasions" (yes I'm judging you). There is no way I should know that you are a grown ass man with a 10 year old child that still lives with your father. I don't even talk to my best friend about this type of shit so I surely don't want to hear it from you. If you want to hear yourself talk then by all means I will pretend to listen.

Here is where I have the problem. There comes a point in these conversations where I am awakened out of my thoughts by a coworker staring in my mouth waiting for me to say something. At some point I realize that they are waiting for me to go ahead and put my business in the air. I just look at them with a blank look on my face. It's that I have the most exciting life in the world, I just don't want them to know what I do. I'm just here to get my check and roll bounce. I don't give two fucks about you after I clock out. It's crazy to me that when you think about it, work forces us to coexist with people that we would never be in the same room with them if it wasn't for our need for this check. Let's not forget this.

...And Life Will Find A Way to Humble You

2010-06-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

When it comes to moving on, I usually get my way. Before a few months ago, every job I've applied for was mine. I don't know why, but getting jobs has always been rather easy for me. Now things are different. Now things are difficult. Now things are frustrating. Now, the shit is real. (I'm aware that shit can get realer tho) I do not like my current employment. My feelings are not secret and can't be minced. Besides my check there is only one other positive that I can think of right now. I'm desperately searching for a way out. Not up the ladder but completely off it. This job has great upwards mobility but I just can't see myself doing this until I retire. I want something different. I've been applying for all types of shit. Some of it I don't even know what the job requires but if it pays enough for me to continue my current lifestyle I'm applying.

Now it seems like I'm grasping at straws. I KNOW I'm supposed to be learning a lesson from these current failures. I'm not always sure what these lessons are but I don't mind the failures as long as I'm learning. As I look at myself I see where I need to be improved. I needed to be humbled. There is a fine line between confidence and cockiness. I was to the left of cocky. I know I can do any job out there. The cockiness came when I felt I didn't have to prove it. I know I can be more appreciative. I have a problem with authority. I know I'm smarter than most of my "superiors". When people can't answer my simplest of questions I lose respect, and just like spoken words can't be undone, lost respect can't be found. The difference between them and I is they played the game and got to level 3. I'm still at level 2.

So personally, I'm doing pretty good but I'm far from satisfied. I can't act like everything is everything when clearly it isn't. I do however need to take a minute to evaluate my faults and fix them. I may feel like the world is against me, but it isn't. There are just some lessons I need to learn. I need to find my goals and go get them. Right now I'm just a black girl lost. There is a branch swaying in the wind and every time I come close to grasping it...the wind changes direction. So as I push through this change of scenery with another door closed I keep telling myself, "What is deterred is not denied." Just when I was about to play the woe is me card my friend told me, "Night is darkest right before dawn." Shit like that is why I have so much love, respect, and appreciation for this dude. But that's for another post....actually I could make a whole 'nother blog for that nigga....

What Are You Afraid Of?....

2010-06-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

I need to really check myself sometimes. I've been really patient. I've found something within my reach that I've been waiting for, for all my adult life. It's this dude that I start to like more and more with each moment we spend together, yet I find myself scared. It's really immature of me because I'm blogging these feelings when I could and should be telling him. I should be telling him that when I'm listening to him talk I just want to kiss him. I should be telling him that he changed my views of caking. I should be showing him the person I claim to be. It's hard to go against your human nature. I'm guarded because I'm so sensitive. Now it's time tho. I just gotta close my eyes and bite the bullet. What am I afraid of....

Difficult

2010-06-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

Met this dude named Difficult
They say he's hard to get
When you got it figured out
He goes a different route
They pucker up and dumb it down
Just to get his attention
They do more for him than I'm willing to mention
I got my chance
I thought it over and got it done
This dude is easy
Fuck this nigga
The battle's won

After I conquered him, he tried to diss my confidence
"You got me good, wait til you meet Impossible
I look up to him
He taught me everything I know"
I had to laugh at the audacity of this nigga
Thinkin he can shake me cuz he claim his fam is bigger
Little does he know I'm wreckless, I don't just give respect
I just looked at him, rolled my eyes and said "next"...

May

2010-05-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

It sucks. I hope that when I have a child it is born in May so that I have something to make the month not suck so bad. See you in June.... That is all.

If One More Person....

2010-04-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

This is a flat the fuck out rant. Inspired by ignorance, driven by lack of desire to educate yourself. So I have locs. When I first got them my then loctician told me that this would test me and build my character. Granted I did my little research but the bottom line was I thought the style would look good on me and I was tired of the Eurocentric ideals of beauty that I was forced to try to attain when we all know that it can't be reached. I'm not of those people that is all high and mighty. I still wear acrylics, I plan on dying my shit, and I shave and all that good stuff. Hell, sometimes I see a bitch with her hair so properly laid the hell out that I have to give her propers. I'm all for what fits a person. If you look gorgeous with a short hair cut, then get at it. If you are your prettiest and most confident with a weave the go for it. It just so happens that loc's fit me best. Cool. Now it's time for me to get to the point.

I HATE DUMB ASS QUESTIONS ABOUT MY HAIR! I only give a pass to people who are not black and even that pass is limited. Here is a short list of the questions that test the fuck out of my patience. I have a loose tongue and these make me pause before answering to make sure I don't hurt no feelings.

1) When are you going to take your hair down?
You fuck face, there is no taking these down. My strands are so intertwined with each other only a comb handled by God could separate them.

2) Do you wash your hair?
*blank stare* No. I just like to let dandruff, sweat, and dust clog up my scalp.

3) What part of Jamaica are you from?
I have never been to a place that I had to cross water to get to. That's nothing to brag about because it means I'm geographically challenged but the point I'm making is I'm from L.A California. Not everybody with loc's is from Jamaica, and not every Jamaican has loc's.

4) You sale weed? No? Oh I thought because of your hair you was a rasta.
What. The. Fuck? Ok, I will admit that I have blown some of Cali's finest trees. You aren't really from L.A until u party with the aliens...but I am far from a rasta. As a matter of fact I don't think I've done anything stronger than a hookah since I got loc'd.

5) Did you feel that?
Ummmm *punches you in the throat* did you feel that shit? Of course I felt you tug my damn loc. If you aren't invited (read: my stylist or my dude) to touch my head please refrain from doing so. Not only are you invading my space but you are invading my space. I only allow a select few people to touch me. Strangers are never allowed to touch me. I know it's silly but handshakes make my skin do crazy things. It's all mental but still. So someone touching my hair drives me nuts.

I don't go around asking people with weaves silly questions like, "How did you get the hair on the weft? Or, "Does it matter what color string you sew the hair in with?" I don't ask people if their pubic hair changes color when they dye the hair on their head. You see how asinine these questions are?

Pop - Up Ads

2010-04-26T12:46:00.001-07:00

I can't stand when people, namely dudes, try to pop back up in my life out of he clean blue. Here I am minding my own business getting my nails done. I can already tell I'm not going to like them which had me thinking about a special project I'm going to do for myself. My phone alerts me to a text. I look and it is a number with no name. I vaguely recognize the number but the style with which this person text me I put two and two together. It was a dude I was super feeling a while back. We just never matched up. He liked me our freshman year but I was soooo damn in love with my little middle school sweetheart I just kept it friendly. Then me and Mr. Not Anymore broke up after he shattered the shit out of my young heart. I remained friends with the guy from college for a long time. Saw him through many relationships and everything. We dated for a while but he told me he wasn't ready for a committed relationship. Next thing I know with in a matter of months he was engaged. That cut pretty deep but what could I do about it? Not a damn thing. Slowly I weened myself off of him. We hung out less and we talked on the phone less and less. I dated other people and eventually deleted his number from my phone. With the deletion of his number the potential I saw in him got weaker and weaker. He still pops up on my facebook page but I treat his name just like I do those damn farmland notifications...ignore them. It is no more than clutter on my page. I have interest in this new guy and I think he is wonderful even though I'm not sure what we are or could be. I responded to the text. Dry standard text. He suggested we kick it soon. I just said "you know how to find me" and deleted the thread. Next time I won't even bother with a response.

On a Lighter Note....

2010-04-15T19:05:00.001-07:00

For every situation that doesn't go my way I have many other opportunities to look forward too. I had an interview a few days ago for a job that I want. No so much for the peso's cuz it's still not gonna afford me the life I want but more so for the change. I need constant change at work or I will be sooooo unhappy. I can't really stay one place too long. I start to get irritated rather quickly with forced repetition.

I've been beasting the gym lately. I tried this stomach belt today. I didn't too much like how I felt the sweat when I moved certain ways. I definitely didn't like the shower situation. Everyone who knows me knows that I take lengthy showers. The only way I will conserve is if they turn the shit off and I can't control it. I take my shower game VERY seriously and I didn't like the idea of showering behind a stranger. I saw a long hair stuck to the wall and I felt dirty. Not a good look but the workout started my day off RIGHT at work.

School is low key stressing me but I'm gonna sit back and sip on this "Don't Give a Fuck" flavored Iced Tea. It makes everything go down oh so smoove. I have had group projects in all but one class and relying on people sucks when I feel I have a better idea. But as long as I pass oh fuckin well. I have 5 more classes to take in then I'm shuffling on across that stage. I'm considering grad school but I doubt I'm gonna go. It hasn't been in my heart or future plans. I'm gonna take a break and then start some businesses. I want to own a little Mrs. Feilds and I have the perfect location right up the street from my apartment. That would be cool to be able to have some of the high school kids make cookies and shit. Give them they first little jobs and teach them some responsibility. Not to mention I could have all the chocolate chip walnut nibblers my heart can handle. I love those things.

I'm young, independent and healthy. I truly can't complain.

Of Goals, Wishes, and Dreams

2010-04-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

I was in the shower aka "my think tank" and thoughts were running thru my mind like the water out of the faucet. My thoughts were all over the place. I didn't have enough on one thought to dedicate a whole post but I had some "revelations", if you want to call it that. In the end I decided to make a change or two by the time my shower was done.

Goals: I don't consider myself "goal oriented". I'm a more of a go getter than a planner. Sometimes things I want to do just plop down in my lap and I do them. Other times I have to scheme and plot until I make it happen. I just think it and do it. I think I'm a pretty good person. I never set out to be someone that a person will regret ever knowing but I have to admit some of the things I set out to do don't make me a better person. I mean I actually can't pinpoint the last thing I wanted to do that made me a better person after I did it. It's quite sad. I have this potential and I choose to do things that are empty in attainment. In the chase to gain independence, cash flow, and degree's what exactly do I gain? These are just examples. I have personal and selfish goals that I strive for. I'm gonna get. And after I conquered them I still will be the same. I'm not gonna sit here and say every goal from here on out has to make me or the world a better place but I am going to try to reach a balance. For every selfish goal I am going to make one that helps someone else.

Wishes: I was really thinking about somethings and for some reason I just really wish I could get my mother's opinion on it. I internalize a lot of things, for reasons I'm not too sure of. Maybe I just don't a lot of people or maybe I'm just stubborn and honestly don't care for opinions either way I don't too much talk about whatever it is I may be going through at the time be it good or bad. I want to talk to my mother about things to get her point of view. I don't know how much a like we were or weren't. I don't know what she did at this point in her life and what experiences or advice she could've passed on to me. Our relationship was different because of her sickness. It taught me a lot but if I had one sincere wish that I could make it would be to take 20 healthy years of my life and give them to her so I could have her at this critical time in my life. So much I want to know, ask, and share that is lost forever. She was very private and secretive so not too many people can tell me a lot about her that I didn't already know. That's my only wish tho. Bring her back in a healthy form, free from restrictions. Many things I have yet to do that I'm going to need her for and to already know I'm not gonna have her is pretty hollowing. It's been 10 years and my prospective future without her is still scary. It's scarier now than when I was 12 because I didn't understand the magnitude of her absence.

Dreams: I have dreams at night. At night I have these visions of the person I want to be. I'm getting pretty close.

DreamBoy

2010-03-31T19:02:00.000-07:00

Wow. The other night out the clear blue I had a dream me and Guy 2 (from DreamGirl post) were having a baby. I don't know what the fuck that is supposed to mean but I'm gonna take it as a warning to stay the fuck away from him.

Reality vs Perception

2010-03-28T22:27:00.000-07:00

I think that we all have perceptions of ourselves that is ultimately the person that we want to be. One of life's simple pleasures is becoming more like the person you dream you are. It's called evolving. In reality I think I'm at a cool place in life but I know that I want and will be so much more. The me I am in my mind isn't so damn analytical. Everything I do is such a fuckin chess game which an annoying battle that I have to fight with myself. If I could just be more daring I'd be closer to the me I want to be. I don't want to be this boring and safe person my whole life. It's time I start taking the advice I give. Fuck it. I got one life and it's mine to live.

Dreamgirl

2010-03-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm in a situation. My friend, who I will call Guy 1, told me something crazy last week. He told me his friend, who I will call Guy 2, had a dream that we fucked. I used to work with Guy 2 and him a guy Guy 1 are not only friends but room mates. So anywho, Guy 2 is the kind of guy I wouldn't consider for anything other than a cool ass coworker. Not even sex. Not because he is ugly, he is very attractive, but because he is cocky and very loud. I'm more of a low key individual when it comes to what I do behind closed doors (or wherever the intimate act takes place). That's why I choose my sexual partners carefully because I have to trust them to do what I do. You would think I was famous and people actually cared about my personal life the way I guard that shit. Could be why people mumbled gay rumors about me at my old place of work.

Anyways after Guy 1 told me that I didn't think much of it. I just shrugged it off and went on about my life. Fast forward to a few days ago. I was at the gym talkin to Guy 1 when he told me of Guy 2's intentions to make his dream a reality. The trip part is that I wouldn't even humor Guy 2 in that way because I know it would just be some one night stand shit. Just some shit that I would do to say I did. I'll admit I seen dudes print in the break room when we used to work together. If my mind wasn't playing tricks on me then I would say dude is packin. But I already have that at my disposal so that's never gonna make me jump on. I'm not against fulfilling my curiosities about dudes on a one night adventure but the thing is I've never had such a curiosity for Guy 2. I do however have a curiosity for Guy 1. But it's a little more than a curiosity. I'm actually really feeling Guy 1.

The thing is Guy 1 has a girl. And although I don't see them making it to the summer I know that I'm not on his radar like that. We just friends and I dig that because he is a great friend to me. He may never feel me like that but on the off chance that he does I don't want the fact that I smashed his roomie to stop any potential progress. I swear that when Andre 3000 made "Prototype" he was lookin into my future. I understood that song when it came out but now I FEEL that shit. But just because Guy 1 is who he is, I can't be Guy 2's jumpoff and he can't be mine. I'm flattered tho, real talk Guy 2.

Oh, She's the Homie...

2010-03-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

I'm getting older and I find that I'm forever a homegirl and not the girlfriend. It's a crazy annoying spot to be in. I constantly listen to dudes and their relationship problems. They are forever wanting my point of view on shit. Some a couple of the dudes I really find myself liking. Those are the ones that sting me the most. It's like they put up with so much shit and I KNOW I can be the better girlfriend. I can't scream this to the guy because that's not how I roll. I'm not God and I can't give the blind sight. Then there are the others that I probably was feeling at some time in my past but after conversation and getting to know them my mind changed.

It sucks because on the outside one would think I have it all together and that's not true. I have all the elements to make a very good girlfriend. All of my male friends tell me that I would be a great girlfriend and don't believe I have a problem getting dudes. When they say these things I ask, "If I'm so great then why am I single? And why have you let me slip away? You always say you're looking for someone like me." When I ask I get an array of responses, such as, "I never really thought you would feel me like that." Or, "I thought you might be gay." (That one really does something to my soul but I've had two different dudes say that and more than a few females come out to me). Or my personal favorite, "You are the homie!" It's like what the fuck? Just because I like sports and can crack a few jokes with the best of them I have to stay in the friend zone?

I guess I'm just venting. I'm not going to change anything I don't want to or imitate the people who have what I want just to get what I want. I'm a late bloomer and a constant work in progress. I'm slowly finding myself and growing up. At this point in my life I'm becoming a better me. I'm not where I want to be but the person I am is catching up to the person I am in my dreams and that makes me ecstatic. I don't know what the future holds for my love life. I may be single for a long ass time and while I don't wish for it, I can handle it. I'm sure there is a great guy out there who can appreciate my complex simplicities. To quote Mulan, "The prettiest flowers always bloom last."

Another Day, Another Year

2010-03-06T17:03:00.000-08:00

So I made it to my 22nd year. Even though I'm determined to have a good day I realize things about the people closest to me. Even my most reliable of friends ain't shit. They said birds of a feather flock together which makes me think twice about the company I keep. Shout out to my family though. I'm not the best granddaughter but my grandmother was sweeter today to me than anyone else. My grandfather came thru for me too. I adore that man. Shit, even my father exceeded my expectations. I love him thick and thin, high and low. Year 22 and I'm reminded to rely on yourself cuz in the end you all you got. Happy Birthday to me.

That was on some emo shit but it's really how I feel at THIS VERY SECOND. I still appreciate every birthday text, call, wall post, and wish everyone gave me.

Lately

2010-02-28T22:12:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been checkin my blog just to get updates from the blogs I follow. I know that's bad but I don't think anyone is checking for me like I'm checking for them. I'll be back in a few...

On a quick side note: I said I would nvr date a dude I work with but I think someone is changing my mind. He says all the right shit AND his actions be adding up. Flaws and all I dig his ass. I think he thinks I'm just a cool ass that chick and that sucks cuz I know I'm what he's lookin for. He's just missing the trees to see the forest (or however that saying goes). So if you reading this and you feel me, just let me know and we can keep it on the low until we get out the terminal. If not just don't change...

Meet Mina...

2010-02-11T21:29:00.000-08:00

*So this was supposed to be a quick short story but once I started flowing it evolved into something more. So I will post this in parts. Here is part 1*

I met this young woman while I was taking a break from filming. I was patronizing a local liquor store when I saw her make a drug deal. She couldn’t have been older than 16. I saw her pull a vial of crack, a red top, out of her poorly counterfeited Gucci purse. The addict tried to short the girl 2 dollars and she punched him right in the face and he pulled the crumpled up bills and gave them to her. “Don’t try that shit again, Lou!” she yelled. I wasn’t the only one in that store. I was, however, the only one disturbed. How is it that a young girl could openly sell hard narcotics to an elder at 11:15 on a Tuesday morning and no one thinks anything of it? She saw somebody she knew and hustled out of the store to catch up. Absent mindedly I ran after her, ignoring the store owner who wanted the money for the orange soda I had in my hand. It’s laughable now that I think of it. He let the little girl slang crack but was going to hound me for 80 fuckin cents.

I got up to her while she was with a group of older dudes. “Hey…. Hey…. Why aren’t you in school?” A big dude, who later I got to know as Ace, stepped up to me. “Yo, Mina who the fuck is this bitch?...” I felt disrespected but I was out of bounds. I would take being called a bitch and keeping my life over a brutal beating that was sure to be handed to me if I fought for my honor. You have to pick your battles, and I knew Ace would win every battle and eventually any war that we had. Mina looked at me and was like, “Some broad who been snooping around the hood lately. She always got some damn camera in her hand and these niggas is just crawling over themselves to be in front of it with they dumb ass. Up here acting like she in some 3rd world country doin films for national geographic or some shit.” I had been to 3rd world countries and little did she know, they had more in common than she could ever imagine. I dare not say that though. Mina was interesting to me. I wanted to get to know more about her. For some reason I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy task. She has a story and I wanted to hear it. “Can I interview you?” She laughed hard as hell. “Yo, Ace this bitch wants to interview me.” She turned her attention back to me, “Look. The last time I was interviewed was by a D.A. Needless to say I’m not fond of interviews. So you can take your camera and whatever story you’re trynna expose and go back to whatever ritzy neighborhood you hail from. Unless you giving my people money or jobs then please be on your way.” I knew this girl was bright. I just didn’t know how she ended up here. She was walking away but my curiosity wouldn’t allow me to just let her slip. As a documentarian by nature I am nosey. I also have a 6th sense about people who are put in my life to open my eyes. Mina was one of those people. “Look, no camera. Just me, you, and lunch.” She laughed. She seemed to think I was a comedian. “Bitch I’m not gay.” Now I was starting to become frustrated. “You ignorant cunt…” As soon as the words escaped my mouth I wished I could catch up to them and swallow them, but they were already in the atmosphere. The next thing I know Mina’s fist, adorned with two gold rings was buried in my cheek. She stared at me as I stumbled to catch my footing. When I got enough balance I lunged at her throat. One of her friends was going to attack me but Ace held her back. I got a few licks in before Mina shut my whole situation down. She grabbed me by the throat and pushed me up against the wall just like a man would. She drew back to hit me but something stopped her. She knew I wasn’t from here. She knew that I had no idea of how the streets worked and she pitied me for my ignorance. She let me go. She picked up her bag and I could hear her friends giving her a hard time for not finishing me off. I heard her say, “That’s the difference between you and me. I’m not breaking a sweat over no bitch.” I knew she was just putting up a front for her friends. Her eyes exposed her to me. I had to know the person behind her legend. I had to know Mina.

Hey Everyone

2010-02-11T11:31:00.001-08:00

I'm so sorry. I never wanted to become "that blogger" who got you hooked and then went away forever. I'm not the most popular but I appreciate all of the people who check my blog whether they choose to "follow" or not. So I've started school and I'm getting into the swing of being on my own. I decided not to make a school post because I always have these high ass hopes of getting straight A's only to not recieve any. So school is school and I'm going 'til I'm done. As for living on my own. I must admit that it is a lifestyle change(thanks, captain obvious). I don't just go out without thinking about if my bills are paid. For the first time in my life I've had to stay home because I flat out don't have the funds. It's crazy because everytime I say I'm gonna spend my whole check on me some shit comes up. Be it a crib for my niece that's takin her sweet ass time to arrive. My little cousin's birthday coming up. I was happy not to have a Valentine this year cuz I could spend my cash on me but her birthday is 2 days after and she's gettin older. I remember giving her and her little sister a $20 bill would be good enough. Now the girl wants a sidekick 09. I didn't make no promises but she's a good kid and I want her to get what she wants so I'm gonna hussle and make that happen for her. I'm not sad about it tho. Money comes back as soon as goes. That's the perk of having a stable ass job. You gonna get paid every other Saturday come rain or shine. For that I am greatful. Can't say I love my job but I love what it does for me.

So anywho, I'm at home sick and I finally have the time to work on a personal little side project. It's a short story. In my mind it's the shit but by the time I finish it might not be what I thought it was. No matter what I'm gonna share it. I might get bored enough and make a short movie but I don't have the proper technology or patienece for all of that. One can dream though. Anywho later today or early tomorrow I'm gonna post it. If you read it please comment. I want to know if I get my point across, if it's whack, if its unoriginal, if its brilliant.... I just want a little feedback on this one.

Gender Is Becoming Extinct

2010-01-24T22:37:00.000-08:00

Today I saw a young man of slight stature with a pressed bun in his head and a turquoise and pink shirt. I got lost in a thought. In my mind I asked, "Why do girls want to be men so bad?" I mean, sure I've wondered what it would be like to be a man for a day. I had my tomboy phase where I wanted to kick it with the boys and play basketball but I still did girly things. As I grew into a young woman kicking it with the fellas bit me hard. After we all hit puberty I grew found of their beauty and wanted to be more than friends but they all saw me as their lil sister or "the homie". I didn't start gettin action til I moved on from school, but that's not the topic of this damn post. Back to the regularly scheduled programming.

Anywho I must of blanked out because the dude was like, "Hey Ma." My whole mind was rocked. Here stood before me a boy. Who looked like a girl, that was trying to be a boy. In essence he looked like a stud. And he was tryna holla! At this point I wasn't sure of anything in this world. I don't know whether this dude is feminine, or if females are becoming too masculine. I snapped out of it to not be rude and say "Hi" even though I just wanted to walk away. He continued to talk to me eventually asking for my number. I took his instead, later deleting it after he walked away.

I say all of that to wonder aloud: Why aren't men manly anymore? Now that I think of it gender is becoming extinct. Men I encounter have a lot of feminine traits. I might attribute this to lack of male figures growing up. Women are becoming harder. I attribute this to being scorned or seeing their examples of they women they should become having to take on the male roles. I can go on about this forever. I think I will do separate posts for the soft male and the hard female.

Missing....

2010-01-19T23:01:00.001-08:00

I don't know why. Right now at this very moment thoughts of her are flooding me. I'm not really one for tears but I want to cry so much right now. I know that millions of people lose their mothers. Some at even a younger age than me. I never felt sorry for myself. I never envy people that still have those relationships. Right now I'm lying in bed, knowing I need to go to sleep for work tomorrow. I'm torturing myself by asking "Why?" In the almost 10 yrs since she was taken from me I've never asked this question. I don't so much think about the past because those memories are fading and that depresses me. Thinking about my future, as bright as it is, also depresses me. I'm due to walk the stage for college graduation in a few months and I'm not even excited about it. The faces of those that support me will unfairly be dulled by her absence. I feel bad about that but I can't change how I feel. And I already know somebody will make the mistake of saying, "Your mother is here in spirit" or "she's watching you from heaven" or something to that affect. I don't think I can handle it. When I was younger I used to cling to the past. Now that I'm older I just feel this damn void about the future. I need her. She is the one person that will allude me for the rest of my natural life and it stings. Not having her probably is why I consider people in my life expendable. I'm just really confused right now, and it scares me. I miss you.

Does Premium Gas Work in a Bucket?

2010-01-17T17:31:00.000-08:00

"When you get a Lexus it says in the manual to only put premium gas in it. You gonna keep that Lex running right and always put premium in it. Have you ever tried putting premium gas in a bucket?" I replied with, "Yeah, it goes crazy." He said, "Exactly." Right then I had an epiphany of sorts. We weren't talking about cars at all. We were talking about women. The metaphor was the shit and the more I thought about it the more I was feeling it.

This dude and I talk all the time at work. He's one of my favorite people to talk to even tho I haven't known him very long. I don't know why he's in my life but while he's here I'm going to learn, because that's what I do. When we first started working together I thought he was going to be some regular annoying nigga. Luckily I always observe and let people place themselves where they should be in my life before I confirm my first thoughts because he is one of the coolest dudes I've met in a while. But this isn't a post for all of that. I gotta get back to the business of this metaphor.

Basically he confirmed what everyone knows. As a woman a man will treat you however he has to for you to act right. We (women) can be ass backwards just like that bucket. You think by doing something nice (putting premium in your tank) that you would get the utmost appreciation from your lady. Instead realizing she has a good dude, she starts shitting on him (engine starts shaking and rattling). How many times have you been annoyed by a dude calling you everyday? He just wants to let you know you are important to him and you copping attitudes. That real woman (Lexus) expects to be treated a certain way. If you treat that woman right she will treat you a thousand times better. It isn't a coincidence that not everyone can afford a Lexus.

I'm going to take this a step futher by saying my era is settling for the buckets. Let me break it down. Dudes aren't willing to save up for the Lexus. They would rather buy a Monte Carlo, invest in some beat and rims. No matter how you dress that car up, its not gonna be that Lex. The rims will break your shit down. The beat will get you a few heads turned your way but as you age it will become an annoyance. You might have gotten that Monte Carlo easy but it will go just as fast. You need credit to get that Lexus off the lot. The Lexus will be a classic. A Lexus holds it's value. That's the difference between a woman and girl. A girl will break down. A woman will keep you.

The lesson learned, or should I say reaffirmed is: I'm doing the right thing. I consider myself to be a newer model Lexus. I'm gonna keep doing credit checks because not every dude can make the payment. I'm not accepting less than what I deserve because I will never give less. I'm chilling until I find someone worthy of all this Lex has to offer. Afterall I am fully loaded.

Oh Father

2010-01-04T21:01:00.000-08:00

I have a strange relationship with my father. I really can't describe it. I feel like he knows that he isn't the prototype male. He has flaws. He knows it. He doesn't hide them. And I absolutely love him for it. He doesn't tell me what to do. He never has and I don't think he ever will. Instead he shows me what not to except. I don't know if he even realizes the example he sets. My dad is like me in many ways, or maybe I'm like him. He had and still has a shitload of potential. Rather than push himself he would rather be great and being average. He is a people person. I think he wants to be settled but he is uneasy with the idea of people getting too close to him. I'm his daughter. His baby. And I'm pretty close to him but even I don't know everything. He is honest but he still has his secrets. We share all these traits. So anyways, on to the post.

On Christmas for the first time the immediate family had dinner together. Usually there are a bunch of ppl around and everyone is chillin with their age group. This year was different. We all sat and ate and had conversation. Me and my dad have a knack for keeping things jovial. Things got awkward when my grandmother asked me why I never bought any male friends around. It's rare that I bring anybody of any sex around. It's not because I don't know many people its just that I really... I can't explain how I am. I'm not very trusting to put it in a nutshell. I have issues with getting close to people. I'm very sensitive and I have issues. I don't know how I can get thru these and I'm not sure if I want to. I have flaws and I don't want to uncover more.

So anywho on to boyfriends coming to visit. I am a secret ass individual. If I don't want you to know something YOU WILL NOT KNOW. I had one boyfriend. They met him but they couldn't have suspected what this dude meant to me and they probably never will. He wasn't shit. He was good to me. He treated me better than he treats anyone else, and he still does. We are on different levels tho. We always will be. I hold all this inside and flip the subject. I get on to my dad. He has been with this same woman for 10+ years. No marriage proposal. He cheats. He doesn't hide it. And why I believe he loves her, I don't think they too much like each other. They are there for convience. I was dug up one of the firecrackers I remember that he used to date. I vividly remember their breakup. I don't know what happened but my dad swooped me up in one swoop while I still had the dice from the board game in my hand. Never saw them again. Then there was the dumb bitch that actually went as far as to plan a wedding to my dad while never being to our house. I feel for her to this day. She was stood up at the alter. But it was her fault as much as his. The lesson I learned: If a woman my dad would date would act this way, accept this behavior, or have this trait then I'm doing the wrong thing. I don't want to attract a man like my father. I love him to death. He has some wonderful traits. But in the end I deserve a man better than my father.

I'm Baaaccckkkk

2010-01-02T20:25:00.000-08:00

I know I don't have many readers and that's cool. I appreciate the hell out of all of my readers whether I know you read or not. I had a slight lil hiatus (I'm trying to get my life in order). I'm going to return soon now that I have internet at my new apartment. Christmas Dinner conversation left me with some thoughts about my Daddy and the role he plays in my life whether he knows it or not. That will be my first post back. I gotta get it off my chest.

The Culmination of an Infatuation

2009-12-22T18:04:00.000-08:00

One of my good friends came over for a visit the other night. We were shooting the breeze and watching tv like we normally did when I would go over his house for a visit. I can't quite explain what really happened but I can't forget what I felt as we talked. We talked about our past and the shit that we always wanted to say but never did because we were really young and really shy. This particular day we were no longer the two kids sitting next to each other in Mr. Porter's Science class playing Pokemon when we should've been paying attention to the presentation. I was no longer the tomboy that chased basketball dreams. He was no longer the 16 year old that was living too fast for his own good. I was no longer the 19 year old that was in love with him. He was no longer the 19 year old that was troubled. We were here. We were grown. We were experienced. The tension was in the air and we both knew what was going to go down. He had to make a trip to that 7-11 on the corner.

While he was gone I had time to actually think about what was about to take place. This was the one that I always thought about. I wondered what sex with him would be like way before I even had a sexual experience. He's the one that I thought I would give my virginity to. He's the same dude that I kissed under stairwells at Curtiss when I should've been in class. He's the one I experimented with in high school. We never hit that homerun and I didn't think we ever would. Our paths took us to different places. I've experienced different things and I'm sure he has as well. In my selectivness I've grown accustomed to certain levels of satisfaction. Doubt crept in. What if I was wack? What if he was disappointing? I had to shake this shit. I knew what I was doing. I knew I would regret not fulfilling this curiosity way more than if I did. My buzzer rang. It was time.

I had to ask what took him so long. He said he was conflicted for lack of a better word. I understood what he meant but he rung that doorbell for a reason and we both knew what time it was. He sat on my couch and I took control from there. We went at it HARD. All the anxiety I had while he ran that errand vanished. He let go of his inhibitions as well and it made for a really good time. His body was telling me things and I was listening. I was yearning for this because I was on a hiatus and he gave me what I asked for. I tried a few positions I had been wanting to try. I allowed him to teach me some new tricks. We talked shit. We fell silent. We took each other to the breaking point more than a few times. I have climaxed more during past escapades but never as hard. This was incomprable. We danced until we were spent. The next day when we woke from that deep sleep we had only one regret. "I should've got two packs."

Now that my curiosity has been filled I don't know what will come of this. I'm cool if our experience was like Hailey's commet, never to be seen again in this lifetime. Part of me wants it like that just in case it's never as good as the first time. I don't know if that perfect storm of passion, desire, and heat will pass through again. Then the other part of me wants to see if we could top it. All I know is that I'm still sore. History was written. A memory was etched. And me and my body won't forget it.

I'm Coming Back Soon...

2009-12-20T07:30:00.000-08:00

I moved and I'm tryna find some cheap Internet. I have so much to say. Even if I have to keep posting from my phone for a while I'm gonna get it in. Until we meet again (aka I go to my grandmothers house for Internet).

Opinions, Suggestions, and Commentary

2009-12-02T18:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big fan of unsolicited opinions, suggestions or commentary. As a matter of fact it is one of the many things that send me on edge. Nothing makes me turn into the biggest bitch you've ever seen than offering something I've never asked for in the first place. Today I was minding my own business when a classmate tells me, "I noticed you wear Nikes a lot, did you know they are mostly produced in sweat shops?" I am highly aware that Nikes are produced in sweat shops. What I am not aware of is why this dude just tried to impose his views on me indirectly. I don't know him. I don't speak to him. I couldn't pick him out of a line up yet he felt the need to offer up a fun fact about the shoes. I responded, "I noticed I was minding my own business and didn't ask you to research my shoes. I know how to use google. By the way, that is a nice hat you are wearing. Tiger Woods huh? A Nike hat. Probably made upstairs in the factory where these Air Forces came from. Good shit." He proceeded to his seat.

My grandmother is a good one for offering commentary. She always ask me if I can do something we both know I can do. She sometimes treats me as if I'm just learning how to use a toilet. Today I was washing my clothes. She says, "You washed them. Good job. Now let's see if you know how to put them in a dryer and hang them up?" WHAT THE FUCK? She might as well said, "Good job. You tinkled. Now can you wipe and flush?" I can't stand my intelligence being insulted. This is why clash. That's for another day, another post. She and I have to work through that issue before I can speak on that.

I am not a suggestion box. Do not place your thoughts in my brain space. I also don't need people asking me for my suggestion or opinion when they have their mind made up. If you know what you are going to do just do it. I'm not the friend you come to when you want your ego stroked or your opinion second. If I wouldn't do it then I'm going to tell you so and give your my justification. After that you can take it or leave it but please do not talk shit about it. After all you asked, I did not offer.

Febuary 8, 2010

2009-11-25T20:54:00.000-08:00

Enough said.

Black Girl Lost

2009-11-20T20:25:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here frustrated like nobody's business. Why the fuck am I in school? I seriously don't know why I'm still here. I just took a final in my favorite class and got an 86 on it. I check my grade and all though I'm only missing 94 points I have a C because of the weights the teacher assigns to the assignments. This is probably going to be the best grade I get. I worked so damn hard this semester yet I'm still going to get average grades. It's not like I even go to a remotely reputable university either. I could be being overly dramatic right now but I have wasted 4 fuckin years of my life. I'm going to graduate and still probably be doing the same thing I do now. I could do this without a damn degree. I've always known that college isn't for me. I don't want to be a teacher, lawyer, or doctor. I never wanted to be anything really. I just wanted things. That is part of my problem. I have goals that don't have mapped out stepping stones. For example if I wanted to be a doctor then I would have a blueprint to follow. Go to school and get good grades. Go to medical school. Etc etc until I'm a doctor. There is no blueprint to do what I want to do. Exactly what is it that I want to do? Good fuckin question! I guess I'm basically saying "There is no blueprint for being confused about life and surviving at the same time." Until I figure it out I'm just a black girl lost.

The Crushed Crush

2009-11-17T21:50:00.000-08:00

Is this something that you doin for the moment?
Are you happy?
Do you think that she's the truth, kid?
I ain't hatin...
Ok maybe a lil bit!
I think I'm better
But you won't let me prove it
I might just loose it.
But naw...
Can't fight for what was never mine
Like Badu said I guess I'll see you next lifetime

You ever been in a one sided crush? The only thing worse is when you find out it wasn't so one sided when it's too late. I guess the lesson learned is when you feeling something you should let it be known. Take it from me.

The Void

2009-11-15T18:14:00.000-08:00

My room has been a revolving door
Of tricks that treat
After we climax on my sheets
Their numbers I delete
Only to find our actions provide no relief
I'm annoyed and need to find a way to fill the _ _ _ _

Untitled

2009-11-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

I can't really explain how I'm feeling but I'm scared. I have a lot of great things happening for me. I'm super greatful but something is missing. I can't quite put my finger on it and it is bothering me. I don't want to dwell on it too much because I'm in too good of a place right now. I'm the type of person that likes to focus on what I do have rather than question why I'm missing something. But sometimes that missing element nags at me. It grates my nerves even more when I don't know what the hell is missing. Whatever it is will come to me one day. Hopefully. Maybe.

And My Vaginal Muscles Tightened....

2009-11-06T15:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not super religious but when God is tryna tell me something I definately do listen. I've been on this celibacy thing for longer than a lil while. It is hard and I most definately get weak. I know that the only obstacles in between me and some pipe can be easily navigated. Everytime I get ready to settle and just go get it something makes me take that second thought. The other day a coworker provided me with that second thought.

I'm gonna call him Herp. Herp is not my cup of tea by any strech of the imagination. He's about my height which is strike number one. He has the hugest teeth and I can only assume they hurt. Strike two. Until recently I couldn't put my finger on strike three. I saw him at a club once and he looked like a dork. He was wearing a short sleeve white shirt with a tie, jeans, and suspenders. Hey he thought he was fly and if he liked it then that's all that matters. That wasn't enough to make me look at this dude like he was an annoyance tho. We casually talk here and there at work and keep it cordial.

So Herp comes up to me and says, "You're a girl, lemme ask you a question?" I half heartedly listened because I was focused on this nasty as blister on his lip. He asked, "Would you hit a dude that had previously fucked your friend?" I was like, "Hell naw! Anybody who's even kissed my friend is so off limits he might as well have AIDS." He was like, "even if they wasn't together? It was just a hit and quit." I was like, "Hell no. I don't hit my friends pieces under any circumstance ever. It's not cool. Not at all. Besides I don't want my friends sloppy seconds." He was like, "How many virgins have you had sex with?" "None.", I replied. "Then you have had sombody's sloppy seconds. You might as well have your friends, at least you know them." His logic was making my stomach turn. He kept it twisting when he said, "I don't give a fuck. I've hit the homies ho's." I was like, "so you don't care that you don't have standards?" "They look good." I was, "nevermind the fact all your homies ran through them. Yall sit and compare notes? Why wait, run a train and help the next friend get the most out it. Give some tips." He thought I was humorous. In all seriousness he said, "I do have my morals. I would never hit my homies baby mamas or wives." That's when a coworker came up and blasted him. "Them morals keep your ass in the clinic. You keep the penicillin distributers busy." Herp didnt even get mad to have his status blasted. He just said, "You win some you lose some. My dick aint fell off yet, 200 plus served." STRIKE FUCKIN THREE. Did this dude just say 200 plus served as if he was McDonald's of dick? Is that's what is good in the hood?

I was disgusted to say the least. I'm sure he isn't even in the minority with his sexual standards. After talkin with him I'm convinced that the blister he had isn't just a "cold sore" this nigga prolly had herpes. That should slow anyone down. I guess he doesn't care. He's not dead and people he fuckin with don't need a test to get it in. He's on that don't ask don't tell. Herpes and HIV is losing it's stigma. People just aren't as shook by it as the where in the 80's. Fuck death. The symptom for the next STD is you won't be able to orgasm. Imagine how scary that would be... It would be called NoCum or some shit.

Anywho. Talking to him crossed my legs up even tighter. And by fate this morning I woke up to a picture message of a dude who has supposedly given 70 plus men and women HIV on purpose. I don't know how true the message is but it definately has my celibacy stance on lock. Be safe. Get tested before and often. Wrap it up and then have fun. Oh yeah. Ladies pop those pills. Babies can be just as bad as STD's if you aren't ready for the responsibilty.

Get It Together

2009-10-29T21:04:00.000-07:00

I need to refocus. Somehow school got put on the backburner and I'm doing everything instead of study. I have to refocus because I'm in the dog days of the semester and I really don't want all my hardwork to go down the drain. I would be devestated.

Like and Love...

2009-10-27T18:57:00.000-07:00

Can you have one without the other?

I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. I just realized I have a lot of people in my life that I like and will never love. I have just as many that I love and may never like. Then I have few that I like and love equally. I guess I came to this realized this yesterday. Well I've known this for a while but yesterday cemented it. An old friend called and asked me a favor a couple days ago. Usually I would jump to help him but I didn't. The minute I told him I couldn't do it, I realized I don't really like him right now. The next day I hit him up to see if his friend was still pilfering mattresses so I could get a new one. He told me I could get that fresh king for 250 which had me dumb hyped. His next text message is how he chose to tell me his mother died. I have been through this and really there are no words to help someone in such a situation. I was doing some scavenger hunting for apartments but I put that on hold. One day I didn't like him enough to want to see him but the next day my love for him made me go to him just to see that he was ok. That's love.

Now I have love relationship for my sister but I can't say I like her. But this falls in the same category that I just described. I like people that I have met from everyday life. I can't say I will ever love them. To me such an emotion takes too much. At this very moment I'm so focused on getting to my goals that if I don't already love you then I prolly won't any time soon because I can't give the time that love deserves. I think everyone goes through this, some just are quicker than others to feel the like and love.

And then there is my inner circle. I love and like them 95% of the time. I may not like their ways or some of their decisions but I either grow to like it or get over it. My love is unflappable for them tho. The kind of shit that warms me and keeps me confident cuz I know no mistake is too great. They know ME. They may not know everything about what I do. No one will because I believe everybody needs a part of them that no one knows but they know all of me that I share. I need them. Scary but I wouldn't change it.

I gotta jump. I may fly. I may falter. Here goes.

2009-10-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

I'm at a point in my life where I'm at a cross road. I want to move bottom line. I wish to just go cruise around my city in search for a vacancy. Paying my first and last and then seeing what will happen from there. Every week I get ready to do it. While I'm driving I just rationalize with myself. "Your close to saving your 10 g's. Wait til you get that promotion. Wait and see if the G band bill passes." Then the devil's advocate pops up in my head. "Just go for it. If you can make it now then if you come across extra money you will be cool. What if all the affordable spots get jumped on while you sit and come up with excuses not to make the move?" When I think about it, I have more reasons to leave than I have to stay.

For one, it was a personal goal to be independent by 22. Always has been. I had plans on being graduated from college and on my own. I figured I wouldn't have my dream job. Partly because of the economy, mostly because I don't have a dream job. I have a dream lifestyle. My vision is to be able to pay on bills and be done with school. That's it. Nothing more nothing less. I will be out of here by March but the graduation thing will have to wait unfortunately. I'm not tripping because my goals are ambitious and even if I don't reach them I'm still above average.

For two, I really think absence from my home will improve my relationship with my grandmother. It's wack right now. We say hello. Exchange a few sentences and then our doors close. I'm gonna take most of the responsibility for us being this way. It stems from my youth tho. She has always been good to me but our relationship has always been a certain way. I've always chilled in my sister's shadow. I'm sure at one point it bothered me. As I've matured I became content in that shadow. My sister left for college and to fill the void she tried to shine a little light on me. I'm used to the shadow so the light is too hot for me. I don't want it and that makes us both feel some kind of way.

For three, my sister is on her way back home. She's not happy about it. Which is understandable. I'm not happy about it and its pretty fucked up. I don't have a problem with sharing the space that I've come accustom to. My problem lies in the fact that I know I will be put in positions that will cause arguments. I know I will be asked to sacrifice things that I will not be willing to. Over the past 5 years I have grown. I don't know if my sister noticed during her visits or not but I no longer yearn for her love, approval, or affection. I used to jump through hoops for her only to be disappointed when I wasn't good enough. Those days are gone. I know at the first disagreement she will run to grandma and I will be cast in the familiar role of villain. I'm not even trying to ruin my relationship with my grandmother or hurt her feelings. But I can't be anybodies bitch up in here either.

These are my top three reasons to roll.

The only thing keeping here is comfort and the fact that I don't want to be like my sister. I can go without. I'm used to it. And only 2% of me thinks that I can be anything like my sister. I just don't think I could be that weak.

I guess it's decided. I gotta jump.

Bout Time, Right?

2009-10-18T20:18:00.000-07:00

So I should be doing an essay draft. I can't bring myself to do it because I hate the idea of some student that's paying the same cash as me to learn correcting my shit. I know it's just an assignment but I take their corrections personally even though I don't revise the paper. I just turn it in like it is. Anywho, I decided to procrastinate by updating the music on this blog. I was tired of hearing the same songs and I'm sure my few followers was too. By the way I love yall! I try to comment on your blogs. Comments get me geeked so I'm sure other bloggers feel the same. And on to the new music.

Jesse Boykins III - Sunstar

I absolutely adore this song and most of his music. I'm made that his CD is only availible in digital format but that's neither here nor there. The video for this song is set in South Beach and it's fitting because this song just makes me think of summer nights. One in particular. I went to a movie with a boy I was crushing this summer and this song came on. He was like, "I aint wit all this R&B but dis a smoov ass nigga." I can't help but do my lil groove when certain songs come on. I do it while driving and it gives off the impression that I'm nice on the dance floor (which is a total lie). The crush was like, "Look at her! We got a groover." I taught him my dance and now when I see him around he does it.

Teena Marie - Oooh La La La

I'm not sure but I think I've already put this song in a mix but I really do love it. It's another song that makes me do my groove. First off Lady T is a LEGEND in my mind. I swear I be thanking Rick James for having the vision to take on Teena Marie. I can't imagine her coming out with anyone else. They were music magic soul mates. They were made for each other. Anywho, she absolutely KILLS this song. During the breakdown she holds a note throughout her whole coversation. Who the hell does that? I timed it and she holds it for 15 seconds! Thats nuts. And then you add her convo with the sax and I will play this song everytime. I really don't have to say no more about it though. Yall know this shit is great and if you don't agree then click that red x in the corner.

Chrisette Michele - What You Do

Everyone can tell this song was written and produced by Neyo. Hate or love it that boy has a formula and he sticks to it. You can't deny his talent or her voice. I love Chrisette's distinctive voice. I feel like it's going to carry her for a lot of years. I don't know why but I constantly have deja vu of me and some man celebrating our 25th anniversary on a cruise and she is a part of the entertainment. I imagine her singing "Mr. Radio" and I'm there two stepping my heart out. (This is why I people think I have a problem. I always take things really far and off topic.) Back to topic, this song speaks the truth though. I'm a believer in actions speaking louder than words. People who know me no that this is true because I don't believe what people say, I'd rather you just come on thru with the action. I'm even really careful with my words and commitments because I know I change and so do other people. Ummm yeah tho, the song is sick though.

Teedra Moses - Take My Love Away

I stan for her. Point. Blank. Perieod. I've been on this song for some years now and lately I don't skip it when it comes on in the car. Her voice is so damn smooth and the piano is flowing on the track. The story is one that I think that every woman has or will be able to relate to. Sometimes relationships get in a rut and things become mundane. You seem to argue over the same thing and people promise change and break them and what was once love turns to resentment. She is talking about letting the relationship simmer down before all feelings fade. In some instances is better to have some than all or none. I dig that.

Jesse Boykins III - I Care 4 U

This year some neo soul artist released a tribute album to Aaliyah to remeber her. Everyone put their own spin on some of my favorites. Some I could vibe with, and some I wish went untouched. I Care 4 U is one of my favorite tracks. I love what he did with the track. I'm mad that I couldn't get the full version of the song but the snippet is a good representaton of the full song.

Let's Put it Out There

2009-10-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

I went to see "Good Hair" today and I loved it. It talked about the hair industry good and bad. One thing I appreciated is that even though he exposed some rather ludicrous aspects of black women and our hair, Chris Rock never once made the women feel less than about the choices they made with their hair. In my personal opinion he should have went hard on them women who was perming the babies head. That was kind of heart breaking but in the end that's not my daughter and if Lord ever saw fit for me to have a daughter it will never be. I don't care how nappy my daughters hair may be if ever she perms it will be under her own will as an adult. But this is not a critique of the film, community, or my veiws on hair and what it represents.

The realest quote from the movie came from Ice T of all people. "If a woman aint happy with herself she aint gone do nothing but bring pain to every fuckin body around her." Notice this comment isn't race specific, but it is gender inclusive, and it can be applied to everyone. It is human nature for people to find some company for their misery. With that said I'm going to go ahead and state my piece.

As women we subject ourselves to some off the wall shit for the sake of achieving something that we don't naturally have. The love-hate affair that women have with their hair has been disected, documented, criticized, debated, and flipped inside out. Everyone says that a woman who chooses to weave or straighten their hair is trying to assimilate to Eurocentric standards of beauty and so on and so forth. That's cool. You have some valid points, but this shoe fits another foot. It's time to flip the script. Come on down off your pedestal becuase you have your green eyed monster too.

What is it called when the white woman visit's her locoal nip/tuck specialist to gain fuller lips, fuller bottoms, and fuller breast? It is called body motification or "slef - enhancement". Give us our credit please. White women long for the exotic features that derive from Africa, yet when they gain them there is no mention of them trying to assimilate to Afrocentric standards of beauty. What is the difference between a butt enhancement and a sew in weave? Both parties are trying to recreate some asthetically pleasing trait of another culture and are in search of... I use ellipses because I have no clue what these women are trying to attain, and in some cases neither do they. I didn't draw this parallel to suggest one act as right and the other as wrong. I'm just saying no one has room to judge, critique, or codemn. Everybody has eyes their are green with envy. Everyone has a distored sense of self.

"Work in Progress"

2009-10-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

He is applauded

he is condemned

THEY duck & dodge bullets

He volunteered in

he lookin for a way out

THEY both wont see 30

He will be burried with a flag

he will be burried with a rag

BOTH victims of environment

He's an American soldier

he's your ghetto hoodlum

It's Not That I Don't Have Any Words...

2009-09-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

I have much to say but I've been scribbling shit down in notebooks. I'm a starter and thinker but when it comes to that finishing and getting shit out my mind that's a whole nother story. I'm workin tho. Soon I will post a work in progress. I'm writing a fable thats finna be laced with metaphors and dripped with symbolism. It's a personal challenge so I hope somebody reads and digs it. Prolly won't get out the notebook but as long as I finish I'm oh so cool with it.

The Grass Is High...

2009-09-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

The grass is high and the snakes are slithering. I would say keep a look out, but that would mean traveling with my head down. I can't do that. I was raised to walk with my head up. I need to see whats in front of me. I feel your presence, I hear you hissing, I know what you want and thats cool. We all need goals right? Your goal is to trip me up, and I respect that. My goal is to get on across this field. I can't walk on water without getting wet so I'm sure I'm gonna be a lil dusty after this journey. But I will BE. Bottom line.

P.S. Congrats Chaunce Money! The grass is high my nig. As you say "Real recognize real."

The Focus

2009-09-07T19:43:00.000-07:00

As of August 31 my focused mask is on and I won't remove it til my mission is accomplished. Some people say, "if all you do is go to school and work then you are a loser." In my mind I say, "Fuck you." In reality I just nod my head and keep it moving. Working full time is a chore in itself. This semester I'm going at this school thing like it's a full time job. If I want unprecedented personal college success then I'm gonna grinnd.

Motto of the Moment: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SHIT THAT AINT GONE GET ME PAID OR A GRADE.

To the Outsiders: It seems harsh and my distance may seem cruel but if I'm gonna do me I gotta get rid of you. Afterall nobody really cares for me like I care for them. Me not getting to close to yall allows me to roll bounce when I need to. And I need to.

To My Cirle: I love yall. You know this isn't a personal thing. I'm never too far from yall. Expect me to check in with yall to make sure everything is cool. If you need me at my desk is where I'll be posted.

To Society: I hope yall change while I take a break from yall. I want to come back to a world who's page had been refreshed.

The Learning Process

2009-08-27T19:09:00.000-07:00

"I have learnt silence from the talkative, tolerant from the intorlerant , and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungreatful to these teachers" -Kahlil Gibran

I have yet to read words that jumped off the page in this fashion to me. I FEEL this quote. This is the only way I learn.

I Beg for Good News

2009-08-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

I'm not a woe is me type of person but this shit is getting rediculous. Shit keeps happening to me or not happening for me. I try to shake it off and keep my nose to the grind but damn. What bad karma have I put in the air? What am I not doing to help myself? I'm trying hard not to be sensitive. I'm trying hard to be negative.

P.S I'm tired of having these emotionally draining post. I'm not returning until I pick myself up. I pray this is just some hormonal shit and I'm tripping real hard.

Overwhelmed

2009-08-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

I'm reaching for the word or words that accurately describes how I feel at this very moment. Perhaps it hasn't been created because it's not in the thesaurus. All I can say is my levies are breaking. One more drop will expand my cracks. I look ahead there is another storm coming my way. I'm going to break, that part is inevitable because I don't see my life getting perfect anytime soon. It's just something that will happen but all messes can be cleaned up. All problems have solutions. And as long as I'm able bodied I'm not going to be defeated. I may fail but I refuse to be a failure.

Walk the Line

2009-08-14T21:53:00.000-07:00

__________________________________________________

That red line above these words is the line of hypocrisy. I straddle this line daily. I know how I feel about a certain situation until it happens and its time to sink or swim, do or die, flutter or fly. Every so often I find myself giving out great advice that I don't practice. It is really easy to dissect the hell out of someone else but when it's time to turn the scalpel on yourself you are too shaky to make the first cut. Well, I am flawed. I sit and I think everyday. I make plans everyday. I say "tomorrow I will be better at....", yet everyday I fail to make the change. I'm not perfect. Never claimed to be. Not even striving for perfection, never have never will. I want better for others than I want for myself. I advise others to do things I can't do. I wish for my loved ones to perfect my flaws that they display in themselves so that maybe in turn I can learn from them. I also do things that I know I shouldn't. For these reasons, among others, I trip on that red line everyday. I am a hypocrite.

How Are You?

2009-08-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

So today is your 47th Birthday. It's crazy that every year I mark your birthday and I realize just how young you were. I wish I could just talk with you over a slice of cake. I would even settle for sitting in silence and just basking in your presence. These years have been a crazy distorted reality to me but lately you've been coming to me in my dreams. I cherish these subconcious thoughts even though when I awake from them my mental is usually messed up because I know that's as close as I'll get to you until I die.

On this day I think about you and try to do something in your honor. I texted Jackie today. Imagine that, right. I sent your best friend a text on my cell phone. Crazy that when you were alive neither one of us had a cell phone, and when I think about it, I didn't know too many people with a cell phone. Now I'm texting your friend on a phone I purchased all by myself. Anyways, I thanked her for you. She was always really good to you and she kept your hair tight! Remember when she cut the shag and gave you a fly dye job and cut like hers? I remember because you were a whole new woman when I saw you. You was glowin that night. I always appreciated her because she treated you as an equal. She was a true friend. I hope that if something happens to me I have friends like Jackie.

I wonder about how you are doing. I'm pretty sure your ok because in life even when you were down you weren't out. I know this crazy but sometimes I wish that all of this was really a hoax. Like, maybe, you wanted a fresh start so you faked your death. That way I could have a chance to just run into you. I wouldn't even be mad. I would just be happy for the chance. When I see people with strokes, I see you. I hear about people with lupus and I send silent prayers for strength their way. Sometimes I see women that favor you and I stare, HARD. I hear people call your name and I break my neck just to see who answers. I don't what I am expecting. I know it isn't going to be you I see. I was there when you were lowered into the ground, and although I never had the strength to look in your casket I know you were in there. Just like your spirit is invincible, so is my hope. I hope you are happy... Happy Birthday Mommy.

Busy but Shit Aint Gettin Done, Why?

2009-08-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

I've been really busy lately. My time is being streched in multiple directions. Some people like doing shit everyday and going out and shit but I don't. If I oly went out once a month I prolly wouldn't complain as long as I saw certain people every so often. With that being said I have to start just saying no because I don't like my current busy bee schedule because I'm not getting the shit done that needs to be done. I also need to take a week or two off from work. I'm waiting until I get the 80 bitch ass hours I need but by the time I get those who knows where I'll be. They say if you make a list of shit you want to do and look at it then it will be easier to do it. In my mind that list is done but the action part is really hard for me to do. So here it is written.

I HAVE to go shopping. I'm not eating meat this week yet I have not went to the store to get a damn thing which is horrible because I refuse to get lazy and go to Taco Bell and get some bean burritos.

I HAVE to go to class. My homegirl copied me the book and we have a test on Wednesday so I need to get it together. As usual I had a high goal of getting an A in this class but my actions have desired a C. In the end I COULD have done better and probably will look back and say I SHOULD have done better, but a credit is a fuckin credit no matter how you slice or dice that bitch.

I HAVE to pay for this damn summer session and parking ticket I recieved. Shame on it all for me letting it get this far but thats just money I don't want to spend on that.

I WANT to go to yoga. My friends want me to go with them but I have a certain routine I follow and the time they want to go doesn't match up with the time I want to go. They gonna think I'm a flaker but oh well. I been pleasing others all month it seems by doing shit I don't necessarily want or need to do so I gotta charge other people's feelings to the game sometimes.

I REALLY WANT to kick it with my muse. It's pretty impossible because I work days and he works nights. He told me he is open on Tuesday but I have plans with one of my best friends that I'm not going to break. Hopefully his night is open and we can do something then. This dude has me crushin on him. SMH at what his text messages do to me. I talk to him everyday and he has yet to say anything that makes me want to delete him out my phone.

I NEED to sit down and write this card for Auntie. We were supposed to go to the movies today but she couldn't make it. We rescheduled for next Monday and she wants to take my little cousins school shopping. I NEED to come up with money for that because I always help out with that every year.

I WANT to buy a little fridge for my room.

I NEED to get my fuckin car washed. It's too great to be so dirty but I need more hours in my night so I could get enough sleep for all this shit. I hate to say it but I may have to go a week with a bedtime and see how my body is effected. I can't fuckin wait til the shift bid. I'm running to the night shift. I was never this damn tired. Cross your fingers that I could get Friday Saturday off guys.

Time Affects Decisions

2009-08-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

So I was in my economics class, zoned out like always. For some reason "Simple Life" by No Doubt was in my mind. The beat would play and the words, "If we met tomorrow for the very first time" kept looping thru my mind. Sometimes a line from a song will just fuck me up and get my wheels turning. So this got me going thru random situations that occur in everyday life and how this question could help me come thru decisions about life.

"If we met tomorrow for the very first time..."

Would this matter to me? Sometimes it's not so cut a dry. I realized at this point how powerful time is. I know I think about time a lot because it's pretty damn amazing to me. Example, when it comes to relationships, say your partner has sex with someone else yesterday. Thats a big ass deal and grounds for termination. If he or she had sex with someone yesterday and met you tomorrow it wouldn't even matter. Time makes the question null in void.

In a different situtaion the question can help you see how trivial your actual anger really is. Example, I don't have one at the moment. It's one of things that made sense at the time but on paper I can't get it out. Urgh I hate when that happens. But I'm sure there is a situation where you can ask, "If I met you tomorrow for the very first time, would I even care about this?" And the answer would be, "no" and you can move on and keep kickin it.

Just food for thought I guess.

OFF TOPIC: why won't people leave me the fuck alone? That's why I need to move. I need to be left to my own damn devices.

Isn't It Ironic? Good Dude, Bad Time...

2009-07-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

The writing is on the wall,
Should I take a peak?
It's clear as day,
I'm tryna forget how to read.

This game here is crazy
My feelings are the causality
Some would say the heart looses
But it aint that deep.
Meet Mr. Perfect
Just not perfect for me....

My Music Muse Moment

2009-07-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

So it has been too long. I wish I could come back on a post but lately I haven't had much time for leisure thinking. It's a damn shame too. Maybe after I eat some pie and do (watch) my yoga on tv I will have time to do all that. My mind has recently been occupied and pretty soon I'm going to sort thru all these things. A quick update is I passed my first summer session class with a B-. Had I not failed that test I coulda did better but I got my 3 credits and I'm 3 credits closer to that bitch ass degree. I passed my first test on my current summer class. I got a C but hopefully with the curve it moves up. Anywho this post is to introduce my new playlist. I was going for a songs that I love that came out before I was born. Enjoy!

Marvin Gaye - I Want You

This a classic by Mr. Gaye and it is one of my favorites by him. It was actually written by Diana Ross' brother. I remember that from some documentry I watched a while back. Anywho when Marvin takes that first breath I just turn it up and nod my head. If any dude wants to get at me just pop this song on and lip sing it to me. If he really wants my heart he will put an extra performance on "Don't play with something, you should cherish for life..." And then we will get up and two step. Lmao. That would be funny as hell and a classic moment in my life. Prolly won't happen but I can dream, right?

Ohio Players - Sweet Sticky Thing

These dudes is smooth as hell. I'll be the first to say that if I was even 16 or 17 when they were pumpin out albums my life would be different. My future plans wouldn't include college or staying in my small town and working in an office. Nope, I would dream BIG. I would move to wherever the hell they were and follow them around until they told me that I could grace one of their album covers! That would be my claim to fame and I would be the shit even in my 80's. Young girls would be talking shit on they myspace and I would just shit on their whole lifestyle by saying, "You aint shit! I was on an OHIO PLAYERS album cover. I have been the black man's playboy for generations!" But those classic covers contained classic albums that contained classic songs like "Sweet Sticky Thing". I like this song the most because of the saxophone. I LOVE saxophones. If you hear this and don't move, check your pulse cuz your dead.

Chaka Khan - Sweet Thing

This womans voice was off the damn chain. She could barely open her mouth and let out a rich ass beautiful noise. Watchin her old youtube videos I deduct two things. 1) She was bad and her shape was one to envy. 2) The keyboardist in the group with the big fro and light eyes could've hit. (Yeah I sometimes pick out men from different eras that I would bone, o well!) I could say "I would love you anyways" and anyone with any sense will finish with "even if you can not stay" and we will continue to sing the whole damn song. Which reminds me of a Christmans Party I went to with my grandma. The lil band kept playing this song and the lady thought she was Chaka. I was like, "Grandma if they sing this song one more time I'm going to choke the shit out of this woman." They played it about 15 times while I went outside and looked for a rock to throw. Leave the classics to the legends.

Teena Marie - Oooh La La La

I love Lady T. Her voice is one of a kind! Thank God for Rick James because without him we wouldn't have the Teena Marie we have. I don't think anyone else would know what to do with her. ( I listen to these tracks as I write these little discriptions and right now I'm just grooving). One thing Teena can do like no other is hold that note and draw the fuck out of a song. Her playing with the saxophone kills me. I gotta hear it everytime the song comes on. I need her to do a little set in L.A soon so I could go. Might even light one up with Lady T.

Sade - No Ordinary Love

I'm not really sure if this song came out before her Love Deluxe album so I have to do my research real quick to see if this should be on my "Before I was born list". After research this song was on the Love Deluxe Album which debuted in 1992, which means I was 4 when this song came out but oh well. I love Sade and she will probably be on many list of mine whether she fits the theme or not because I think she is that great. All of her material is timeless to me. I have a greatest hits, but I need to get her whole catalogue. I probably wont ever see her because she keeps a low profile overseas but if I ever met her I would loose my fuckin mind. I'm not star struck. I met Kanye and didn't even spaze and I think he can do no wrong, but for Sade I would step out of my cool. This doesn't need my 2 cents. You just feel and enjoy the sensations when you listen to Ms. Adu.

I'm Filling Up

2009-07-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

This shit is crazy. I should stop and slow down but I can't. This is all so new to me but I think I'm ready. I'll see what happens. Ever get so full off of possibilities that you don't even know what to say? That's were I am.

"The world is full of shit. We use it as fertilizer and grow beautiful things."

Be Back Later (once I come down)

Benefit Vs. Cost

2009-07-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

I was talking with my older cousin today and she told me a fable she heard on the radio and it was thought provoking.

"There was a cat who wanted to cross a set a train tracks before the train passed. He mistimed his run and lost a piece of his tail. He turned around to see the damage and was beheaded."

The moral of the story: Don't lose your head over a piece of tail.

You can apply this to life, not just sex.

Faded Memories

2009-07-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

I can't quite put my finger on it. Lately I've been having dreams of my mother. I can't quite call it. One was about how life would have been had she not been sick. It was rather pleasant. I had a little brother and all of that great shit. The latest one was almost too much for me to handle tho. She was trying to tell me something but she lost her voice. Her mouth was moving but I just couldn't understand her. She was frustrated and I was sad because I was helpless. When I woke up it was about 2:42 this morning and I cried. I realized I have forgotten my mothers voice. I haven't heard it in so long. I remember things she said, how she would react in certain situations, amongst other things. Facial expressions are becoming vaguer and no matter how hard I try I can't quite grasp the tone of her voice. I can't imitate it. This shit is frustrating to me.

Times like this I realize that I take so much for granted. Everyday I constantly chase the unknown. I'm always on the move. I'm always doing something even when I don't always know the cause or purpose. As I get older I realize that my mother's death has affected me more than I give it credit for. I'm sure as I grow and one day become a mother myself this void will become even more evident. Even though I've had adequate mother like figures and been adopted into some great environments it all falls short.

I love watching the mother daughter dynamic. It's such an uniquely beautiful bond. Where I work I'm afforded the oppurtunity to watch the relationships play out right in front of me in many stages. I see young girls imitate their mothers ways, I see more mature women protect their older and delicate mothers, I see new mothers embrace their infant daughters and all these situations make my soul smile. Sometimes I get the occasional "only if" thought that sneaks in my mind but I quickly shake it. If I dwell on what I didn't have instead of appreciate all that I did have I would probably be clinically depressed.

I often see young girls arguing with their mothers and it breaks me up. If only they knew the time they had left was so limited and how heavy the guilt of every disagreement would lie on their souls, they would be the ideal daughter. I know I can take my own advice when it comes to me and my grandmother because Lord knows I butt heads with her like I do no1 else in my life. Honestly I'm really going to work on that because I don't think she knows how much I really do appreciate her. Ok, back on topic. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have had moments when I was a total bitch had my mother not passed, hell I had them while she was here and I regret every single one, but I just want others to just strive to be the best child they can be while they still can be. I know 5 more minutes with my mother is asking the impossible of God, but I really need to remember her voice. I know I can't hear her but if a memory of her saying my name is the last sound I hear I wouldn't even complain.

I'm Still Here

2009-07-07T10:07:00.001-07:00

I know my last post have been on some "what is her problem" type stuff. It's crazy because when I read my shit back it's real vague and dramatic, so to those who don't know me they might assume I'm going thru some crazy ass struggles. In reality my struggle is less than someone elses and more than others. And everyday that passes is another day I made it thru. But this post isnt about all that. I have a lot of things to share but I dont have the time or know how. So I'm just gonna randomly lay some shit out there. Some are just thoughts and ideas and some I will expand on later, others I dont know what to do with.

I got some songs that need to be on the blog. No I'm not gonna go the MJ route.

When did being a real person become obsolete?

When did being a gangster and bad bitch become things to aspire to be?

Not to be a man basher, but where are the real men hiding at?

When am I gonna get my shit together?

My Flaws

"the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud, was more painful than the risk to blossom"

Scary Dream

What If....

A letter to my Aunt.

I need a blunt, and not that dirt ass stress you was offering!

He plays, I play but I quit and I'm serious this time.

Volunteer?

Anyways I'll be back by the end of this week with something legit to read.

Don't Know What to Say

2009-07-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

Well I've been gone for a minute. I've been working on some things and sorting thru some things and trying to grab some focus. I wanted to do a post on problems and how to make them powerless, but life happens from time to time and my mind gets blown when I least expect it. I'm going to post more completely tomorrow but I have to get this one out asap.

I'm so selective about people I choose to spend my time with and usually it takes a while for me to get comfortable. Sometimes I think my relationships are tested with people early. This has a been a wild past couple of days that taught me a WHOLE lot about some people in my life. I'm glad to say that I know some good ass people and found them thru unfortunate circumstances that I wouldn't change for anything.

I took a professional step back but in terms of personal acquisitions in my life I've gained tenfold. These two particular people made going to work easier and actually put smiles on my face. One of them got dealt a heavy blow this week. The way the other one stepped up to the plate reminded me of the definition of a true friend. I was shown proof that true friendships don't have probation periods. When you find real, true to heart, down for whatever friends you need to hold on tight to them. Genuine people are a rarity in this world full of counterfeits.

Faithless

2009-06-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

Right about now I need to be the cause of something positive for somebody in this world. I need to do something right. I tried to not blog until I got out of this negative emotional state that I'm in. I can't quite pinpoint the reasoning or moment I got into this funk but I can't wait to cleanse myself of it. Lately I've been fucking up all over the place. Little incidents here and there are making me question everything about myself. I try to analyze my feelings but I realized they can't be explained. I'm just this way for the moment and like most storms this too shall pass.

I know one of my biggest problems is I have disappointed myself lately. I'm starting to lose faith in myself lately which is a big deal because throughout my life I have been the only sure thing I can count on. What do you do when you can't even depend on yourself? Who the fuck can you count on? I'm sure most people would take this opportunity to get all religious and call on a higher being but that's not really my way. Maybe I need religion but I ask too many questions to ever fully devote myself down that road. Now I'm getting off the topic at hand.

I'm finding it hard to stay confident when everything around me is telling me I'm less than what I think of myself. How do you try to prove something to yourself? At what point do you stop and think that maybe, just maybe, you have been lying to youself? I don't know because I'm not yet at those points. I'm going to fight the universes' accusations. I am smart. I am talented. I am something to somebody. I am an inspiration. I just need inspiration. I need to get the kinks out of my compass. I need to get it together. I need to make myself accountable to me. I need...

I Love My Daddy

2009-06-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

So today is fathers day. I'm greatful to be able to partake in this little hallmark holiday and now that I have a job my Daddy takes advantage of it! It doesn't matter because he always gave me what I wanted (even tho I'm still waiting on my tint!) He hooked me up with a lot of material things but most of those get tossed aside. He constantly teaches me about life and that is what I will always value about that man. He is the only person who's opinion I value more than my own. This isn't to say I do what he says but I do take his opinion into consideration. They say children shouldn't be friends with their parents but I am my father. I'm literally a girl version of him right down to the way we think. Our relationship is one in a million. It isn't perfect but I wouldn't change shit about him, me, or my upbringing.

This isn't to say he is perfect. I don't put him on a pedestal at all. He has done many things that disappoint me and show me things in a man that I will not tolerate in my future husband, but he never sugarcoats shit. He is perfectly imperfect. I can tell him about himself and he does the same to me. Flaws and all he is my one and only father and I love him forever and ever. I wouldn't want any other father and that's real talk. The day he goes I will loose my fuckin mind. I know its a fact of life and I should be greatful that I got to have my 21 years with him but I still have too much to experience and I need him here. I love you LVM!

Music Time

2009-06-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

So it's time for a change on the music front. Sometimes I try to have a theme with these little playlist but today there is no rhyme or reason for these selections. It's all just some really good R&B that tickles my fancy. Enjoy!

Jill Scott - Crown Royal

Who can hear this song and not love it? The beat is simple but it goes hard as hell. The content is sexy which is to be expected from Jilly from Philly. This song makes me think of somethings. I need to find an older smooth lover. Maybe I'll work on that before summer is out. Until then I'm still keeping my promise I made last month! ;-) By the way Crown Royal aint good for nothing but storing valuables in that purple and gold sack the bottle comes in. That shit is gross.

Aaliyah - Come Over

This was one of my favorite tracks off of Aaliyah's last album. Tank did his thing on the song writing. Everyone has that one person they dig being with. Especially at night, not just to have sex, but just be in their company. It's just a cool little song that everyone can say, "Yo this song reminds me of so and so."

Justin Timberlake - Until the End of Time

This is kind of the only song I still play off of FutureSexLoveSounds. I can't deny the lyrics and melodic beat. It's something that I wish was sung by a prominant 90's artist. I imagine Jodeci could freak the fuck out of this song. They probably would've put some flavor on the track. But their time is gone and JT got the song and did what he could.

Jamie Foxx ft. Marsha Ambrosius - Freakin' Me

I LOVE this song. Well Marsh could sing the alphabet and I would throw it on this blog but her voice is unique and dope. I hated to hear that Floetry broke up. I'll admit that I put up with the poetist just to hear the songstress but seein and how the songstress is only hoping on hooks I want that old thing back. This song go hard tho.

Raheem DeVaughn ft. Marsha Ambrosius - Marathon

Here she is again but I love Raheem too. He makes complete songs. You can listen to one of his songs 10 times and find something different to love about it everytime. The way they play with their voices and off of each others voice makes the track addictive. Then the horn plays with your eardrums and makes your heartbeat different. Oh yeah, the song has some quotable one liners. "...And there's no need for batteries once you turned on your light"

About That.... Don't Hold Your Breath....

2009-06-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

So in what has to be one of the most random moments in a pretty random week I was asked to apologize. Let me just give you a little info on myself. I am stubborn as all hell. I really think things thru before I act or speak. That's one of the reasons I get silent when I pissed to a certain extent, I don't want to apologize at all. If I accidently offend someone then I apologize with the quickness. I usually only do things that will make people happy so when the outcome is other then shits and giggles then it wasn't my intent and I need to apologize. Those apologies are rare. Now when I do or say something to prove a point and someone is rubbed the wrong way, oh the fuck well, you shouldn't have pushed me. You can be mad and never speak to me and I won't give two fucks, it's your decision. However, if you decide to be cool with me, please don't make the mistake of thinking your going to get an apology out of me. In my eyes if an apology isn't sincere it is an insult. When I say "I apologize" in essence I'm saying "if I could turn back the hands of time and relive the situation things would be different." I'm no Anita Baker so get the fuck out my face! I say what I mean and do what I feel is deserved.

So the other day I was asked for an apology. Honestly I didn't know what this was all about. I said somethings in a heated debate with someone I know. When I wouldn't apologize I was called an immature child that wasn't capable of participating in an argument. I don't remember much of what typed because my mind was on fire but I do remember saying something to the effect of "That's how I feel and if you think I feel bad for it get over yourself. You will suck a dick before I apologize." With that said I logged off aim. I logged back on today I was greeted to, "I guess I won't get an apology cuz I damn sure aint suckin no dick! LOL. We always disagree and now that I think of it you never apologize." I was like, "take it or leave it." We went on to have more debates which I love.

Some people (read: Grandma) thinks I need to mature and what not. Honestly I think I'm prolly gonna be like this til it's ashes to ashes dust to dust on that ass because this makes so much sense to me. I argue my point of view and nobody has ever made a point that even makes me question my opinion.

To Need or To Want

2009-06-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know why this came in my mind but I've been wondering if I would rather be needed or wanted by the people in my life. I've decided that the only person I have enough patience to be consistently needed by will be my future child. I think it's better to be wanted by people than needed. Neediness breeds resentment to me. Don't get it twisted tho, I love helping people. Something in me gets agitated when people repeatedly ask me for shit because they know I will always say yes. Something annoys me when people rest on their grind and become dependent on me. People easily try to take advantage of me but I'm not the type that will stand for it. To me it means more when someone genuinely WANTS my company and everything I bring.

On the other hand I don't like being dependent on people. When I tell people "You are in my life because I want you here, not because I need you.", it's often not taken the right way. I have to explain that to me I value the intangible aspects of that they bring. In a world where people want to use people to get something out of the relationship I would rather just know the person. Of course I use people to get what I need because that's human nature. People rely on people. But when I use people there is never a pretense of friendship, both parties get something out of the deal, and after the deal is done I usually make moves that build upon the help I recieved so that I don't constantly become a burden on the one who helped me. I don't mix business and pleasure.

I don't really no what the purpose of the post was. I just let the thoughts flow out of my fingertips. This is pretty raw at the moment. Maybe later I will refine my thoughts but for right now I'm happy with what I wrote.

...But Life Happened

2009-06-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

I was all ready to do a post on an interracial dating trend I see. I was so geeked my first break at work was spent doing a little draft on my phone. I went out to accompany some new friends shopping. Plans change and I got to know one of them better. (I love meeting cool ass people. It makes me feel like I'm not the last of a dying breed. More on that later.) So anyways in between saying goodbye to my friend and walking to my car I found out my little sister is pregnant. I feel so many emotions. I can't quite put a finger on my mindset. I love her so I refuse to let her fail. As long as I have room for a negative balance in my bank account then the baby will be cool. I feel like she doesn't quite understand what is about to happen, but her ignorance is bliss. She said, "I know my youth is over but I feel like I'm starting a great adventure." I know she is going to try her best and that's really all one can ask for. All first time mothers have doubt I don't care if you're 14 or 40, having someone's whole life depend on you is a beautiful gift and a hellacious burden. I'm not going to ask the dumbass questions of "what were you thinking?" "Why didn't you do this or that?" The fact of the matter is what's done is done. The best thing is to focus on the future. With that said:

Dear Future Niece or (Hopefully) Nephew,

I was hoping you would've waited for a little while longer. I'm not ready to let go of your mommy. She's pretty fucking cool so I could see why you couldn't wait to get here. The thing is your mommy has to change and grow. I think your presence will speed that process up. I need you to be strong because the two of you will be learning together and at times it will seem like all you have in the messed up world will be each other. Remember that your bond will always be enough to get you through the toughest of times. Me and your other auntie will make sure you are cool but we don't have the same control mommy has. I'm a little overwhelmed at your existence so I don't really know what to say. You are loved already.

Love,
Me

It's Been A While

2009-06-12T19:08:00.000-07:00

I have so much I want to write about. At work I find myself putting my mind on autopilot so that I can philosophize on different things. I have some topics and what not but I'm going to wait until my mind is right to formally get them out. I've been dumb busy trying to find a way. I always think about my future and sometimes I'm so tired that I live nap to nap and just drag thru the day. While I've managed to have some really good times lately with more to come soon no matter how my plantation (read: work) tries to rob my joy. On another note I'm doing pretty damn good in my little summer class. I hate going but I feel like if I keep it up then I'm gonna have a good grade which I desperately need. I find it easier to ease back into blogging by posting a new playlist. The one I intended to post was just some good classic shit (read: shit from before I was born) but the mood I'm in AT THE VERY MOMENT is one of cockiness. I don't know why but at the moment I feel like I'm the shit. So with that said: here is the soundtrack of the hour.

Clipse ft. Skateboard P - I'm Good

This has me foaming at the mouth for their next CD and some good ass weather. I'm not use to what L.A is going thru right now. I'm used to the sunshine but right now it's all June Gloom. As soon as the weather permits I'm going to hit up my car wash. I'm finna put this on the Zune and turn this up full blast on repeat. I'm finna feel like the shit cuz a car wash is an event. I always dress real nice and do some maintenance shit like get my nails and hair done. To top off the ambiance of feeling myself I fill my tank up. If your like me you drive different when your shit is on full. This song just makes you feel good about your damnself, and when you carry yourself confidantly it shows in your aura.

Kanye West - Can't Tell Me Nothing*

I remember how nuts I went when I first heard this song. I didn't (and still don't) have my money right but you couldn't tell me a damn thing. I was planning on making moves that I knew my people wouldn't approve of but I felt it was some shit I had to do, win or lose. It feels like so many lines in this song speak to me. This is that song that reminds you that all you really need is self esteem. "This is my life homie, you decide yours". I'm diggin that to the fullest.

Jay-Z - U Don't Know*

This song is one for all the doubters. No I'm not a drug dealer but I definately have the mindset of a hussler. I can't see myself losing. This song is more of a metaphor for my life. Some of the topics Jay spits about I may never reach in my life. I may not know what it's like to sign multi - million dollar deals but I will be in a better position in 5 years then I am now and that's off sheer determination. I never sit still in content. While for the most part I live my life with a certain amount of angst, when I look back on my situations I always come out on top.

*Please excuse these whack ass drops. If I could get the songs off my computer the quality would be so much better but I only have what mixpod has. Also forgive me for only having 3 songs. This list was rushed but it reflects how I feel. A new list and more in depth post is coming soon...

Double Standards

2009-06-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

As a female I can say that I often get the benefit of some double standards but when it comes to sex and relationships I often find myself floored by the the ideals both men and women have when it comes to women. I don't know why I can see both sides of the argument but for some reason I can. I can see why men think women play "games" and I can see why women think men can be full of shit. I don't really know where I fall. I can play games and I can be full of shit but I can always justify my reasoning for why certain people fall where they do in my categories that I have created to describe a general relationship with the people I come in contact with.

Of course I have my own double standard when it comes to the men and women in my life. With women you are either family or an acquaintance. I have about three friends in my life that are like my sisters. Yeah I have a sister (I think. I question some bloodlines but if my family calls her my sister than that is what I will call her for the sake of a title) but these particular three that share no blood with me are just as close as my sisters that I grew up with (I know they are my sisters. So what if we don't have the same mother or father, we were raised together and they are my sisters). I have to have these people in my life no matter what. Yeah that was complicated with all the parenthesis and what not but that is not the point. The point is, that I would do for my circle of sisters some shit that would agitate me if a male friend asked. If they asked me for $100 I would get it to them within hours as long as I have access to an ATM. If a male friend asked me for $20 not only would he not get it, I prolly wouldn't talk to him anymore. Yeah that's fucked up but its a stigma that is attached with females giving males money and I'm not down with how I would feel after passing some nigga money. It would have to be an emergency in their life for me to consider passing my dead presidents.

Now with men in my life they fall in a bevy of categories and they quickly can get demoted on one false move. It could be because when it comes to men there are so many alterior motives involved. I usually make the mistake of having a preconcieved use for most men when they enter my life. I know that's wrong because when you have preconceptions of people you basically set yourself up. When men don't turn out to be what you want them to be there will be a problem. It mostly happens when people don't reach your expectations. There are rare pleasent suprises when men exceed your expectations, but that's pretty rare. I'm working on keeping an open mind when I meet men but old habits are hard to break. Sadly at this point in my life the men I come only have penis working in their favor. They don't have contacts for business ventures, sense of humor, a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, prospects for success in their future, or good reason to be around me. One can take that sentence and come to the conclusion that I might be a cold gold diggin bitch. That's not the case, I promise. Of course I'm not perfect and I realize that but I constantly work on my flaws. I'm not saying a dude needs to be on my level but I can't stand when people are content with the here and now. Have a goal and go get it.

I can't tell you how many dudes tell me that I play "games". I can't stand when they say this. It makes no sense to me because I'm not doing anything any different then them. I know on sight if a dude approaches me if I would give it up to him. Most women do whether they admit it or not. With this decision already made in my mind I decide whether they get a real number or if I change the last digit. Now, I'm not some crazy nutbucket hoe, just because you get a number doesn't mean I'm finna lay with you. Chances are you will talk yourself out of sex within the first conversation. Men do this same thing. They approach knowing that they will lay the female down if she lets them (or gets talked into it). This is where the game changes for men and women. When a woman decides she doesn't deem you worthy of her draws she is "playing games". When a man decides he is done with the woman for whatever the reason he is "full of shit". This is the part of the game I don't get. The bottom line is when people don't get what they want they move the hell on. Why all the salt? People decide what role they want to allow other people to play in their lives. Why is a woman deemed loose if she wants a jumpoff but a man is deemed a player? Why is a man deemed a good man for having standards that they want their girlfriend to possess before they settle, and a woman is deemed a gold digger (for lack of a better word) for not settling for a man that is beneath her?

*maybe soon I will break down the categories I put men in tomorrow or so if I'm inspired. Hopefully I do because I've been thinkin a lot on the topic internally. I guess it will be cool to see if my theories make sense when I read them on paper as if someone else wrote them. Damn this is a tangent but I often read some of the shit I write as if I didn't write it and think "damn that bitch is brilliant I wanna meet her, or this dumb trick sounds so stupid". I often hate my own ideals or think I'm a ghetto female Confucious who needs her own forum so she can reach the masses. LMAO literally! Who thinks this kind of stuff of themselves? Let me just publish this shit.

Farewell May

2009-05-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

I hate May's. Maybe it's a mental thing because people aren't supposed to hate whole months but me and May have a history. Maybe it's a mental thing but they are always doozy's. Today is the second to last day in the month and I want to just breeze by them but you know I can never breeze by anthing. The only thing that comes easy to me is sleep, and lately even that hasn't been the best.

All you have to do is read May's post to see what kind of month is has been. My rant's have outnumbered my rave's. I have my moments when I am human and complain but for the most part I can't stand complaining because it is a waste of energy. I like to just be happy and enjoy what I have instead of dwelling on what I don't have. With that said please bring on June. I'm not excited about summer school but I'm excited about the unknowns that lie ahead. I'm dumb geeked about June 1st. I'm gonna bring in the month right, with hopefully nothing but good vibes.

But first thing first, I have to go say my goodbyes.

Anxicelibacy....

2009-05-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

What a crazy ass 24 hours I've had. My mind is on another level of trickery and it had me feeling some crazy way. After an anxiety filled 24 hours I have come to the decision to be celibate for a minute. I don't exactly know how long this going to last. I don't know even my personal terms of this decision, all I know is that at THIS very moment in time I'm gonna put a lock on it. What made me do this? Read on...

Yesterday while I was gettin my locs maintained my grandma calls me talkin bout, "Kaiser said call them." I'm pissed because my grandmother is the type of person who loves asking me questions when I don't know shit. When she doesn't get the answers she goes and tells my grandfather and Daddy. They have that same complex. It's worse with my dad because he will ask and not really want to know the answer. I push it out of my mind because it was after hours and nothing could be done and on top of that I had aleady got results for my screening. As I was driving it clicked that I hadn't gotten the results for my STD screening. I shrugged that off because that's one thing I don't play about. I have to hold some negative results in my hand and see that shit in black and white before a damn thing goes down. At this point I was solid that STD's couldn't be what this dr wanted to discuss but I hadn't been there for any other reason than a physical exam and all the lab work was precautionary STD screening.

When I got home the barrage of questions that hit made my head spin. I learned that if I'm interragated I might fuck around and admit to some shit I know I didn't do. My grandmother went from interrogator to dr in 5 seconds. "Maybe your anemic, maybe you don't eat enough, take this multi - vitamin, are you pregnant. You know they only call when something is bad." I just had to say I was probably anemic and take my black ass to my room knowing damn well I didn't get my blood tested for iron levels. When my dad called yet again I coulda just cut off all communication with the outside world because this shit was getting on my nerves. I had no idea why they called and I need to change my grandmothers contact number. I'm fuckin grown and pay my own insurance so they need to call me. That's just a personal note to myself I guess.

So anyway, I was winding down and this is when my mind with ape shit crazy. It was dead silent and all I could hear was everyone telling me calls from drs only mean your dying. I don't what came over me but I became a straight up Dr. I earned my degree from the University of Google in the matter of seconds. I asked some crazy ass questions and looked up every STD and symptom from HIV to trich. By the time I was done diagnosing myself not only did I have every STD known to man, I was finna go down in history as the first carrier of about 5 more. I should've just took my black ass to sleep cuz the last time I had sex there was a condom present before and after, and the last time I had sexual activity I just got some head and rolled out. (Yeah that's too much info but you don't know me and this is my uncensored mind and experience! I just want yall to know how far out my mind is. All of this could've been avoided if I had just talked to someone and let them talk some sense into me. I have a bad habit of living , digesting, and then sharing.)

You would think I would realize how silly I was being but no, that's not my way. I morphed into the most religious person ever. I got on my knees and prayed HARD. At one point in my conversation with God I begged for chlamydia or gonorrhea because that shit had a cure. I got so desperate with prayer I told Him that if I had the monster just let me die in a regular way. I was like, "Please don't let me go out like Gia. (I know yall seen that movie) Just let me get in an accident or something so my death isn't stigmatized. I don't want to die slow and with pity. I really don't want any disease. Lord you know how careful I am and I know pre-marital sex is a sin but you know I sin everyday and you make it feel so right! Ok, ok, ok sorry God I'm off topic." I remember saying, "If I live I won't have sex til I'm married. I don't care if I'm 30! Amen." I laid in my bed for about an hour and then I thought about what I just said. I got up out my bed and hit the floor again and was like, "God, its me again. You know how our relationship is... I'm only 21 and marriage seems far away from me. I know you don't expect me to never have sex again. I know you don't expect me to wait 9 years. Imma try real hard though, in the end you know my heart. So, ummm, yeah just let me live. Amen. P.S don't strike me. Amen." Then I said a quick prayer to my mother and laid back down.

It was late. Like 12:30 and I had to get up 3 hours and drag my ass to work. I went to sleep and had a fucked up dream. It was so surreal. I was in my late 20's and I was talking to some high school kids. In my little spill I was talking about living with AIDS. It was vivid and my story was real fucked up. I woke up at 3:05 in the coldest sweat ever. I was so greatful that I woke up in my room as myself that I wasn't even mad that I didn't get no sleep and had to go to work.

I wasn't really tired but I wasn't exactly focused either. I was just waiting to be able to call Kaiser and see what the fuck they wanted. After being on hold for what seemed like forever the lady told me what they called me for. God did me a favor. I didn't have no kind of STD at all. I have some lil common infection that will go away with some pills. I learned a lot in these few lil 24 hours though, that I will never take for granted. It's crazy how my mind works. This hysteria I work myself up in is a gift and curse. Sometimes I be trippin. I dig it though because, I don't always have to play with fire to feel the effects of a burn.

And that is why until futher notice I'm on the celibate tip. You don't have to be as cautious as me. I'm pretty sure a condom will have you covered, but a fresh ass test never hurts. As always "Respect yourself, Protect yourself."

Whenever I Feel Like It...

2009-05-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

So the "Weekly 5" has turned into a whenever I feel like changing my music type thing. As before I will give a description for the songs and whatnot but I think I will change the music when my fancy is tickled. I may change less than or more than every week. I haven't posted in a minute because my life is changing right now. I see the pro's and I see the con's but I'm just tryna let it flow. Lately I've been taking it one day at a time. I'm happy summer is here tho. It's not gonna be what I thought i would be but few things in my life turn out how I think it will. I love it all the same. Enough with the small talk, I'll make a legit post later, ON TO THE MUSIC!

Sade - Couldn't Love You More

I absolutely LOVE Sade. She's simply classic and her music makes me feel so relaxed and calm. I don't what it is but when I hear particular songs my mind just goes on a natural high. This isn't one of those songs but it I love it. When I hear songs like this it makes me want to meet the person who inspired it. It also makes me wonder if there is anyone in my future who will make me feel such a way. "I couldn't love you more, if I tried."

Mary J. Blige - You Are Everything

I'm am not a huge Mary fan. Especially of the shit releases these days. I don't get her appeal. She's one of those bitches who sings lead in the choir because she scares the conductor. If disagree leave in a comment, and I expect the comments (if anyone reads this blog) to be dirty because Mary fans are of a different cloth. I remember saying Mary couldn't sing at work and I almost got shanked. Anywho. Mary has some undeniable gems and this one of them. I really remember the video because it was beautiful. From her Indian inspired style, to the location, to them sexy ass men in that long ass boat. I was young but their sexy was not to be denied. I should just post the YouTube and call it a day. As a matter of fact I'm gonna go peep the YouTube and see if young me knew what was good in the hood.

Jazmine Sullivan - Prototype (live)

Now this tramp here! I feel some kinda way about Ms. Sullivan. I am more than pissed about her debut CD and I only have myself to blame. I heard "Need U Bad" before it became the anthem for the bitch that can't let go, and I was diggin it. When I first hear an artist I like I become a little scavenger for their music. I found ALL TYPES OF GREAT shit from Ms. Sullivan and it had my ears ready for some great shit. I had my money ready for Tuesday release of her album. Then I played the album. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. It was as the equivalent of seeing a dude with a size 12 shoe and when he shows you his pipe its more pinky finger than penis. I gave her CD to my cousin but I still rock to the unreleased shit. This was a gem.

Raheem DeVaughn - Desire

I dig the hell out of Mr. DeVaughn. Never mind the fact that he looks like a cute lil cartoon character, the man is talented. I saw one of his shows on BETJ and I need to go to one live real soon. He actually has this dude paints as he sings and his band plays and the artwork comes out really dope. This song has so much good shit going on I don't where to start. I'm a sucker for harmonies and break downs and this song starts out letting you know that something is coming with all the warm-up action. The content is simple but sick. It lets you know the power woman can hold over a man's mind.

Pete Rock & C.L Smooth - It's On You

The production on this song is simply sick. Pete Rock lost his mind with this one, but then again all the production he did was crazy. It's like these two were custom made for each other. There are like a plug and outlet. They both have a purpose but they need each other to have their purpose realized. When I listen to this song I just nod my head and imagine I'm in New York chillin on the block just taking in the scene. I can't paint my imagination but its vivid in my mind. It's a scene and feeling I've never felt in actuality because I'm not an adolescent male who lives in New York and it isn't 1993. Never been a boy, never been to New York, wasn't a teen in 1993. Just a movie that's in my mind. I get the same feeling when I listen to Jay-Z's debut album. When I listen to that CD I feel like I'm his little sister and I rode shotgun with him and got to experience his life. More on that later. Times like this I wish I could let ppl borrow my mind so they could feel what I can't convey.

Listen, enjoy, and add to your collection!

When You ASSume

2009-05-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

I have a coworker who is obsessed with the homicide blog that the LA Times runs. She reads it everyday. Everyday she comments and generalizes the deceased victims names that appear on the blog. I never really speak on it. Thankfully I never really know anyone on the blog. Since I don't know them I keep my comments to myself out of respect. I'm not gonna lie tho, I have a few friends that make me nervous when I don't hear from them for a few weeks. When she reads the names I pray that by the end of the report I know none of the victims and none of the murderers. I'm honest and will call, a spade a fuckin spade. If one of my affiliated friends ended up on this list I wouldn't even say shit if she offered her two cents. In society no one ever deserves to have their lives cut short at the hands of another man, but my affiliated friends live by a different set of rules. They wake up knowing that something as simple as walking on the wrong street will cost them their life and in their minds it makes sense. While I don't agree with their lifestyle these are my friends. If they die in the game I would be sad at my personal loss but that's the rules, they played the game, they lost.

Today my coworker was reading the blog. Now I have known that my friend has been gone since May 13 but I was taken a back when his name showed up on this blog all the same. I guess I still can't believe he's gone. I like to think that is a big ass joke and that I can text him and expect a response in minutes. Her reading his name out loud just did something to me today. She started talking about how the people on the blog were living recklessly. I don't why but I had to check her.

She felt shittier then shit when I told her I knew one of the people she named. That I talked to him 3 hours before he was fatally shot. She looked silly as hell when I told her that he had been on his own since he was 18 years old. How he was putting himself through school and always held a job down. How I never heard him complain or use any excuse even though nobody ever game him shit. How he wouldn't even be allowed in a gang if he wanted to because of his open sexual preference. I even had to ask her how she would feel if her son, who is affiliated, was on this blog (Lord forbid) and somewhere some judgemental person was making assumptions about his whole life based on a faulty ass line? That someone, somewhere was judging the child that she made because he had an ethnic name and was shot in a place that wasn't known for being affluent, but he called home. She didn't have a damn thing to say. Really, what could she have said? I scraped the egg off her face and scrambled that shit.

All of this to say I think we all, myself included, need to check ourselves before we make such brazen assumptions. Especially when it comes to the deceased. I know that I can be judgemental and think I know everything about a person. It is a terrible flaw and one that I am really trying to correct. I really want to be a better person and being an ass and assuming shit will really stunt my growth. When I feel like assuming I will flip the script and take the time to learn and understand. Thanks Money Mike. You teach me lessons, even in the afterlife.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/homicidereport/2009/05/the.html

Fear Of Flying?

2009-05-20T19:25:00.000-07:00

I think I'm relatively successful but I know that I'm scared. I'm not afraid to fall because that means at one point I was in rare air. In my mind if I did it once then I must be able to do it again. I am, however, scared of the pressure. When I am successful people always expect more when I have given my all. How do you tell someone that there is no more? How do you deal with their reaction to your revelation? Can you reach and fulfill their expectations or do you know your limit and move on?

I think that this is the battle that I fight within myself. I hate to disappoint others but I have to stay true to myself. In the end I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I have to answer to myself. When everything is on the up and up I will share the credit with everyone in my life because they molded me. When shit turns sour I have take the blame because the final decision is up to me.

All of this to say: Whether I reach my destination or crash and burn, I can't be afraid to fly...

Blow.

2009-05-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had one of those days that made me happy that I had been chosen to live my life and no1 else's. My month has been filled with ups and downs but yesterday was a peak. I was excited as soon as I got off work on Sunday. I had a great after work day so anticipation was high for Monday. I woke up a lil earlier than I had to. The only pressing issue of the day was my final. I wasn't even mad tho. It's like I was just happy to be and I went on about my morning ritual.

I went to my friends house to pick up some Billy. My friend and I talked a lil business then I was off to school to take this final. I stopped by the bookstore to sale all my books. I was bummed out when they only took one for a measly 41 bucks but it was more than I had in my pocket when I woke up so I rolled with it. I went in my test ready to just go ahead and bubble whatever but something in me told me to go ahead and give it a college try. I did and later found out I got a D and ended up with a C in the class. All in all I wasn't fazed as long as I didn't sit in the class next semester.

Timing was perfect because when I got home I got a lil rest then went to go catch up with my girls. We were STARVING like nobodies business. We took the scenic route (aka I made a mistake and got on the wrong freeway) but we ended up at BJ's. I fucked my food up and showed my chocolate pizookie with oreo creme the same treatment. I can't remember what was said but it made me laugh so hard. One of those good deep laughs that make you feel like you maxed out on crunches.

We went next door to the hookah lounge and had a goofy time. I decided to go ahead and get my own hookah for the summer nights that I enjoy in my beautiful city. My friend bought me pineapple smoke (she only did it so I won't charge her to come to the lounge at my house). Next we went to the galleria when I ran into my friends mother. We need to locate her daughter cuz we aint hung out since March. Where are you Dinkus? I bought some cute heels for Bad Bitch Saturday. I can't wait! Anywho after that went to Del Amo and went to Metropark, one of my favorite place for shirts that feature bad bitches with pistols. Which reminds me I need to get a gun license and a cute custom gun.

Afterwards we went to the hills to spark Billy up. Billy had me relaxed and calm. Great ending to a cool day except for we wasn't done. We went to Petco to get some fighter fish. My friends were still feelin Billy so I went alone. I picked a beautiful fish. He became even prettier when the cool ass cashier gave him to me for $20. Everybody meet Blow:

Damn, It's A Hard Pill Swollow

2009-05-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

Finals are here and the way I feel, or don't feel, about them has really opened my eyes. I've always known school was NotForTheFaintOfHeart. I got good grades and all that jazz but I know my high marks were a product of the fucked up LA school district I was in. The effort I put into school would have been rewarded with fails in a better district. I can't say for sure I would've failed though because failing doesn't come easy to me, I'm almost sure I would've put in enough effort to graduate, kind of like I'm doing in college at the moment. I can pinpoint the exact event that changed my views on education. At the time I was too young to understand but in hindsight I'm pretty sure this molded me.

When I was in 3rd grade I tested for the Gifted and Talented Education program at my school and didn't get in. I don't how far off I was but that's probably irrelevant. In my mind I was one of the smartest kids in my class. I could admit that Christopher Grogan was a certified genius though, and therefore I gave him the undisputed title of ultimate person to sit next to during a test, lol (and be easy I didn't cheat in elementry). I never forgot his name even though I was in 3rd grade and now I'm one semester away from graduating from college (Lord Willing). I even crossed paths with Christopher Grogan later in life. We worked at Target together. When I saw him I was shocked because I just knew he would be one of those kids that graduated high school early and went to school on the East Coast. While I never showed my "disappointment" (for lack of a better word), for the first time I had done to someone what was always done to me. I felt that someone didn't reach their full "potential" while totally disregarding the fact that the dream I had for them was not the dream they had for themselves.

But back to the test. Me failing the test didn't make me feel inferior because I didn't understand how matching some patterns and shapes proved my apptitude to someone, but the test did make something click. It was then I decided that no grade or test could ever dictate how smart I was or wasn't. My educational experiences that followed would soon validate my theory. There have been times were I recieved an A and didn't know shit, there were times when I recieved a D and could explain the topic as if I was the teacher. There were times when I had to work really hard just to earn a C and came out more knowledgeable than I was when I entered the class. Those classes that pushed me were the ones I valued most because they served their purpose. It didn't matter that I hated or loved the subject, it didn't matter that I would probably never use the material in my life, all that mattered was that I learned something about myself and how my mind works.

Which brings me back to finals week. I see my peers husslin, busslin, and losing sleep to prepare for their finals. I compare myself to them and I realize I flat out don't give a fuck. There is no better way to explain it. It's not something I'm proud of. It's not something that brings me shame. It's just the way it is. I took three of my five finals already. Two of which where online. I failed the one I took online last night. As the results stared me in the face I was unmoved, unfazed, unaffected. I got a C on the one I took right before coming to write this post. I didn't even bother to read the damn questions. I have a test tomorrow and I already sold the book back to the bookstore so that pretty much tells you how much I plan on studying for it. The saddest part is I will probably pass all these damn classes, and that doesn't even make me feel any type of way.

So I think to myself "Are you really this fuckin mediocre? Are you just average?" To honestly answer my own questions: I'm neither mediocre or average. What I am is uninspired. What I lack is passion. So I asked myself, "What is your passion?" This question literally stopped me in my tracks as I was making my way to work. I stopped walking. I sat. I thought. And thought. I looked at the dark sky, listened to the cars that passed by, smelled the pungent odor of busy street and shrubbery, and I sat. I was late for work but it didn't matter. When I realized that I can't honestly answer the question I felt sick to my damn stomach. Just writing this and seeing it on the screen is makin me ill. I have dreams but in the hussle and bussle of life's reality I put them on my back burner, and now I need to reacquaint myself with them because they are foreign to me. Nothing I do today or tomorrow is getting me any closer to my dreams. My job definitely isn't. School isn't. My job won't and neither will school. I'm getting closer to something and it isn't my dream.

Something I'm Playing With

2009-05-16T06:35:00.001-07:00

My mind has been all over the place lately. I have been going through a lot of changes at work, finals at school, personal losses and probably a lot more (but my subconcious mind is saving me from myself). The one constant is music. Certain songs remind me of certain things and put me in certain places. I should be doing something more productive but I've been wanting to put music on this blog for a while. I have so many songs that I love and that constantly play in my mind's Zune (yeah thats right, ZUNE fuck apple and everything they sale unless its a Granny Smith ;-P) So anywho I'm gonna add a playlist of 5 songs every week. It's hard deciding which songs should go on the list. I struggle and remake the list every hour for a long time before I actually post it. I could change it everyday but thats unrealistic because I don't even blog everyday, I visit everyday but sometimes I just can't get what I'm thinking out so I do other shit like stalk other people's blogs. Anyways the purpose of the post is to explain what your listening to and why I put it there. For future reference this will be called the Weekly 5 (until I come up with a better name).

Weekly 5

Teedra Moses - Blow Me Out

I will never get tired of this song! It's my ringtone and I can't even see myself changing it. The melodies, content, and memories connected with this song make it a keeper. I could keep this on every week, which isn't right but you can expect to hear it often so get to know and love it.

Chrisette Michele - Notebook

I just bought her CD and yeah I'm diggin it. This is one of my favorite track on the album. I can just listen to this song at night with the windows down. Yeah she's a little bit too grown to be lusting after a man and not speaking up but not every woman can be so bold. I guess everyone has that crush that only their notebook knows about.

Isley Brothers - Make Me Say It Again, Girl

Classic, Classic, Classic! Nevermind the fact that I wasn't even a twinkle in my dad's eye when this song came, I still groove to this. This song just makes you wanna two step. If I was of age during the time this song came out I would've been an original groupie waiting backstage for one of them brothers. None of them are my type so I would just pick one by instrument.

Amerie- Why Don't We Fall In Love

This song is one of those that just remind me of summer. When those horns come on in the beginning I just get a smile on face and nod my head. I love it so much I want to slap Amerie because it's so short! The content is cool to. Simply put the song makes me feel good. I need that right about now.

Keith Sweat ft. Athena Cage - Butterscotch

I love Athena Cage and don't like too many Keith Sweat songs that don't feature her and Kut Klose. Any song that says, "Your qualified, let's do what freaks do" is alright by me! This song just reminds of someone even though he turned me off before I could make this his soundtrack. Oh well though, the chase was fun before we got tired.

And there it is folks, this weeks 5. Enjoy, comment, and add to your collection!

I Gotta Get My Life Together

2009-05-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

I have to change my priorities. Point. Blank. Period.

R.I.P Michael Moore

2009-05-14T20:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Money,

I know you are at peace now. You struggled and persevered through more than I could probably imagine. The odds were stacked against you but in your short 20 years here on Earth you made a complete success of your life. I just knew that you would be someone I would look back on and be proud to know. You made me break my preconceptions and look at people for people. When we hung out it didn't matter that you were so many things that I didn't understand. All that mattered is that you were one of the kindest people I knew when you had every reason to be otherwise. You made me comfortable and you understood me more than anyone that was in my circle during my senior year. Our lives were on different levels after high school and we didn't hang out as much as we should've and I take most of the blame for that. You were special Money. I'm gonna miss those random text messages that you sent out the blue just to let me know you were ok, just to see if I was ok.

Like a candle in the wind, gone too soon....

Delete This Contact?

2009-05-13T21:27:00.000-07:00

Today I had a conversation with a friend. We got on a subject that is so damn sore for me. I didn't even want to go into detail when given an opportunity earlier on this blog. We talked for a long while and I was emotional. She asked me, "Wth? Why the circles? A new nigga is a new nigga. If you have no intentions on going back burn the map." The bold part echoed in my mind vividly even though it was only a text. This isn't the first time she gave me this advice.

I've struggled in my mind a long time with this particular person. I've known him since I was 12. We've grown up together and been through more than a little bit. I sent him a text drenched in emotion because I knew it would be the last time I ever contact him. I will never forget everything he was to me and everything he taught me. After I received his text I went to the screen in the above picture. It says "Permanently delete selected contact?" I pressed yes on my touch screen. Although I delete you out of my phone, I can never delete you out of my heart. I love you. Thank you for everything.

"But the reality, honestly, you were never good for me and I was never good for you... I just remember what we used to do." -Jill Scott

I Almost Over Ate...

2009-05-12T15:02:00.000-07:00

*bare with me cuz this is finna be a long ass metaphor. It makes sense in my mind but sometimes it loses translation between my mind and paper, or this case screen.*

Ever since I was 16 I've been setting my table. I have a main course of a school and money dish. I have a side of the freshest gear, great friends, and a little bit of time. I had a side of time yesterday and offered it to a particular guy I'm intrigued by. He wanted to sample it and we kicked it at his house. Now my table is full, I'm not looking for anybody to add to it until I finish off this school dish. This guy always offers me dessert and wine. Things I enjoy but don't need. While I was at his house he offered me wine and I drank til I was tipsy. He constantly filled my cup and it had my head spinning. At this point I was open and ready for dessert and so was he. Only thing is he forgot to ice the cake. He promised that an uniced cake wouldn't make me sick but I'm not trying to eat for two so cooler heads prevailed. He pushed away from my table and not a minute too soon. I hate the regrets that come with over eating....

Now that I'm sober I don't regret anything that happened. The wine was great. Maybe when he gets his cake iced I can have a slice when I cook up some more time. I prolly won't tho, because uniced cake will never never be welcomed at my table. Until then I'll feast at my table till the next guest comes with dessert and wine.

So... About Sunday...

2009-05-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

Sunday is Mother's Day. I could have easily forgot (and hurt the feelings of my loving grandmother and aunt) if it wasn't for taking a trip with one of my good friends to get her mother a gift for the day. I love my aunt and my grandmother and I'm forever greatful that they would even care enough to attempt to do the impossible: filling the void left by my mother. It's not that I'm not appreciative. I know that me forgetting the hallmark holiday would give the perception that I'm ungreatful.

The thing is losing a mother is something that one can't put in perspective unless is happens to them, and even then you can't really wrap your mind around it. The best way I can describe it is by saying after your mother dies life becomes a hollow repersentation of itself. Events that are supposed to be so fulfilling and important lose a little bit of it's luster. My mother passed when I was 12 and I am forever greatful to her for my life. She is like a personal example of Jesus. She sacrificed her life just to give me a chance. Had she not had me her life wouldn't had been so hard and she wouldn't have been so sick. She wouldn't have been in so much pain and she would have probably fulfilled her great potential. She was special but she had to drop the torch because it became to heavy. Don't worry mommy. I picked that torch up and with your strength I'm gonna reach our goals.

It's been 9 years and this day hasn't gotten any easier for me. This month is still one of my most hated and emotional ones of the year. I know I'm not the only who struggles with this because I'm not the only motherless child out in the world, let alone my family. However, I'm the only one who knows how I feel. I feel so much that I can't even really sift thru my mind's dictionary to find the words. Mother's day will never mean what it meant for me when I was able to happily give my mother the cards I made in school, participate in breakfast, and give the gifts that my grandmother and father helped me purchase. A day when these simple gestures made her feel like she could fly. A day when she was freed from the body that held her and her spirit captive. On this day, like many others I will think of you. I will remember who you were and think of what you woul've been. I will shed silent tears and brave the world strong just like you did. I love you mommy.

Chronos

2009-05-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

"If given the time you can make money, if given the money you can't buy time..."

-NotForTheFaintOfHeart

People think I'm crazy when I go off when I feel my time is being wasted. I don't know how to put in to words the importance of time to me. The concept of time is the most unique concept ever. The only thing you can spend but can't buy, use but can't replace, you can't relive it, and you can only capture it but even the capsules are insufficient because once that exact moment is gone it's gone. When I waste time or do something I don't want to do I always think of what I would've or could've been doing and I get really angry.

On with the reason I'm posting this. The other day I was hanging out with a friend of mine. There is a strange tension between he and I that we both refuse to acknowledge. I don't know why but for now it's just apart of us that we deal with. Lately we had been arguing a lot and seeing as how we are each other's "open ear" so to speak I know that the fact that we weren't right had to be corrected. We decided ditch school and hit up gameworks in the LBC. Everything was cool until my phone rung. I think it is so rude to talk on the phone while you are spending time that you set aside for someone else. (Technology really is fucking with societies people skills and I refuse to be apart of that crowd. *note to self* Maybe I'll do a post analyzing how technology brings us closer yet separates us.) So I silenced my phone, put it on silent and told him to put it in his pocket because I left my purse in the car and my jeans were to tight for my phone. His phone was ringing off the hook and he took every oppurtunity to answer it. Inside I was burning but I just let him do him. The drop that cracked my patience cup was when he decided to stop the game I was whoopin his ass in to talk on the phone for a cool 10 minutes. At this point I reached in his pockets. He thought I was grabbing his swipe but I was just grabbing my keys and phone.

I got my items and led him to the parking lot. At this point he still hadn't hung up the phone which was cool cuz I was already pissed and at this point nothing he could do would save my mood. He knew I was pissed when I wouldn't say anything to him. When I am mad I get quiet so I don't say anything that would later require an apology. I don't apologize. I mean what I say and do and I will never apologize because I never regret it. That is for a different post tho. So I dropped him off at home. I had to hug him because I was mad but if I had not hugged him and that was the last time we saw each other I would be hurt. When he got in the house I checked my phone and was more than pissed. When I saw I had a missed phone call, voicemail, and text from a guy who I had pegged to end my current drought saying that he was trying to end the drought I could've rung the doorbell and slapped the color out of my friend. Not only did he disrespect my time, when I thought about how my time could've been spent and the orgasmic memories I would've made I became livid.

Moral of the post is to make sure you spend your time wisely because when it's gone it's gone. After talking it out with my friend he now understands why was so upset. He hit my pet peeve in the worse way. I'm sure he learned his lesson, and I surely have learned mine.

Just A Thought

2009-05-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

"Love does not guarantee reciprocation..."

-NotForTheFaintOfHeart

Sometimes I just come up with random thoughts and they just stick with me. I was driving by myself listening to Sade after smoking some of Cali's finest at school. I don't know what it was but I was really mellow and on autopilot. I went to Popeye's to get some spicy strips, rice and beans, and , mashed potatoes, mississippi mud pie and a coke. While I was waiting on my food my mind went bananas. I thought a lot of random things in between ordering and recieving my food, but the above quote stuck with me.

Now I'm not in love at the moment, I have been in love but for right now I'm cool on it. I could go into a long drawn out series of post about that one person in my life but I'll spare you and me (cuz I'm not tryna take a Minnie Ripperton type walk down memory lane).

With that said all I have is this to say on love. Its a crazy entity in life but everyone wants, if not needs it. What sucks is when feelings aren't reciprocated. I want someone to read this and realize that how you feel about one person may not be how that person feels about you. I don't believe one should ever feel stupid about loving someone because the heart feels how it feels, I will say that one should feel stupid about trying to FORCE someone to feel the same way. It just leads to... ultimately nothing. I tried to figure out what it leads to and drew a blank, which leads me to believe it leads to nothing....

**I don't want to end this post like this. It feels so incomplete. This is the kind of shit I wish I could analyze with someone else, but alas my friends would swear I was on some other shit. Especially since I'm single as a slice of cheese. That's why I blog tho. Maybe I will come back and complete this when I get some experience to test my theory. Maybe not though, I can't imagine me forcing the greatness that is my love on someone who doesn't want it. I also dont want to be on the other side having someone feel love for me and not returning the favor because that would also make my heart ache, and I refuse to act like I'm in love to spare some feelings, my life is not a movie and I wouldn't recieve an academy for such a role. So I guess this how this one will end.**

Conversation With a Younger Me

2009-05-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

I came across an interesting post that posed the following question: What would you warn your 13 year old self about the future? I would rather be able to just have a conversation with my 13 year old self instead of warn her about the future. I'm sure she would appreciate the convo more than warnings that she would never heed to anyways. 5 yr old self, 13 yr old self, 21 yr old self, and probably future self never really makes decisions off of warnings anyways. When I was 13 all I gave a fuck about was basketball. I'm not the person today that I thought I would be when I was 13 (Thank God). My conversation would probably go like this:

"Aye lil me, let me holla at you." Young me says, "Can't you see I'm playing basketball and this nigga is finna beat me?" I would laugh and respond, "You're so innocent. In a few years you will want nothing more than for a nigga to beat. All jokes aside, put the ball down and come walk with me, your going to win a lot of games but in a matter time you won't really care for them." Young me probably wouldn't leave the court until I made my final shot because I never left the court without making the shot for fear that it could very well be the last shot I took. Even then I knew life was just uncertain like that.

I would be like, "In five years where do you see yourself?" Without hesitation young me would say, "Playing ball for some college." I would say, "Do you see a difference between you right now and me?" After a long comparison young me would notice that older me is a just a tad thicker, my jeans are tighter than young me would wear, my nails are done, my hair isn't in the silky ponytail I thought I would never not wear, my skin is clear and my eyebrows are arched. After all of this all I would probably say is, "You look like you suck in basketball." Current me would laugh and say, "And your right. I haven't touched a ball competively in years. And contrary to your thought young one, life is pretty dope without it. Your hoop dreams would be overshadowed by an insatiable desire for independence, money, and men. Your peers will move faster than you and that's cool cuz your focused and that focus will keep you out of trouble and allow you to make your mistakes vicariously through them. Some goals will be easier to get than others but I'm sure basketball will probably be the only goal you stop trying to reach. Of course the void will remain empty because it is no coincidence that you gained a basketball after you lost mommy. No matter how hard you run, how many shots you take, how many tears you shed, your life will never be the same."

Young stubborn me would see the future right in front of me and because it wasn't what I wanted it to be I would call it a lie. She would ask, "Are you happy?" I would look her square in the eye and say, "Life isn't perfect but you wouldn't trade yours for anyone elses. Your future is bright and I dig the moves you made because it's allowing me to morph into a diamond in a street saturated with coal." I wish young me was more well rounded but she moved to her own drum so I can't knock her. Now that I'm a fresh 21 I'm still coming into my own on my own terms thankfully I still have the self - assuredness that I had then. Probably what sets me apart from my peers. They think they do what they want, while I'm not doing shit til it's exactly how I want.

Moment Of Introduction

2009-04-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

Allow me to introduce myself, my name NotForTheFaintOfHeart. In my life I censor myself because I am sensitive and try to treat peole the way I want to be treated. When it comes down to it I find it hard to express myself and when I do I find it hard to find someone who will take the time to listen to me. I have things on my heart and mind that no one knows and when people closes to me say I'm too secretive they never think that maybe they don't listen or my thoughts are inadvertantly deemed insignificant so I keep them inside. So if ever you find my blog homies, you will be able to take a journey thru my uncensored mind. Enjoy...It's NotForTheFaintOfHeart....

Not For The Faint Of Heart...

Live in the Moment

Birth.Basketball.________.Death

Freedom of Speech

Tomorrow

FriendZone

Single Life?

What Happened

How often do you get what you want?

Doors Unlock From the Inside

A Quick Drop In

Chance Meeting

The Has Beens, The Wanna Bes, and the In Crowd

Overwhelmed

*insert WTF face here*

On to the Next...

Keep the Change

On Some Simp Shit....

My Coke Went Flat

Work Relationships

...And Life Will Find A Way to Humble You

What Are You Afraid Of?....

Difficult

May

If One More Person....

Pop - Up Ads

On a Lighter Note....

Of Goals, Wishes, and Dreams

DreamBoy

Reality vs Perception

Dreamgirl

Oh, She's the Homie...

Another Day, Another Year

Lately

Meet Mina...

Hey Everyone

Gender Is Becoming Extinct

Missing....

Does Premium Gas Work in a Bucket?

Oh Father

I'm Baaaccckkkk

The Culmination of an Infatuation

I'm Coming Back Soon...

Opinions, Suggestions, and Commentary

Febuary 8, 2010

Black Girl Lost

The Crushed Crush

The Void

Untitled

And My Vaginal Muscles Tightened....

Get It Together

Like and Love...

I gotta jump. I may fly. I may falter. Here goes.

Bout Time, Right?

Let's Put it Out There

"Work in Progress"

It's Not That I Don't Have Any Words...

The Grass Is High...

The Focus

The Learning Process

I Beg for Good News

Overwhelmed

Walk the Line

How Are You?

Busy but Shit Aint Gettin Done, Why?

Time Affects Decisions

Isn't It Ironic? Good Dude, Bad Time...

My Music Muse Moment

I'm Filling Up

Benefit Vs. Cost

Faded Memories

I'm Still Here

Don't Know What to Say

Faithless

I Love My Daddy

Music Time

About That.... Don't Hold Your Breath....

To Need or To Want

...But Life Happened

It's Been A While

insert WTF face here